july 1st , 2004

i love my dogs so much sometimes that it overwhelms me and feels as tho my heart could break and explode at the very same time because my love cannot be contained within the shell of this body.

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2 words


in photocontest right now, the theme is "self portrait with 2 handwritten words".
i have found it interesting to see what 2 words people choose to have in their self portrait.
if you were to create a self portrait of yourself which contained in it 2 words only, which 2 words would you choose?

i can't decide what i would choose.
here are some i have narrowed it down to:

"i am"
"artist discovering"
"hidden treasure"
"was here"
"am here"

but mostly i just want to say one word which is "hello"

11:28pm

i watched the movie "the last samurai" and i was completely delighted to find that it was WAY better of a movie and far more complex than the advertisements for it were. i thought i was a love story. well, not at ALL. nothing to do with that. it's too bad that all the advertisements showed is tom cruise maybe getting it on with some innocent asian woman.
the movie is EXCELLENT and i highly recommend it. it triggered a lot in me regarding my past lives, and about war and the art of war. and the grand picture of everyone's role in everything. and how each country is just a little piece of a bigger puzzle (which is, of course the same with everything). i doubt anyone many other people are going to get THAT from this movie, but really, a damn good movie on so many levels :)

and also it made me know more that i must live in the country and get to know nature. and just how "future" the japanese were about this earth technology even when it was the "past".

i yearn so much to go back in time and visit all the countries while they still had their separate identities.

but i also love, more than anything, the conglomeration and fusion of ideas.

and paradoxically, i could almost say that war is ok, if it could be fought in the samurai way. artfully and upclose.
but then also, the samarai learn jack shit if they take the easy way out and kill themselves the second they are "shamed".

it really takes true guts to live through your shame while EXAMINING IT.

jason asked me during the movie if i have ever done anything which shamed me.
and i said yes, but i only was doing the best i knew how at the time.

and then i thought a few seconds more...
and truthfully, i think maybe the reason i feel shamed by certain situations is because i DIDN'T do the best i knew how at that time.

i don't know....i guess sometimes i was looking for the easiest way out.
and sometimes the easiest way out is not the way out at all...and i didn't know that at the time...because i had never taken the easy way out until then.

so, i shouldn't be shamed by that, but at the same time, i think at some deeper level, and maybe not even a deep level at all, i knew i was acting like a total woose and just hoping that THIS time, acting like a total woose would actually work to my advantage, in the long run.
(before that i had never acted in this way, but before then i had also not been faced with these certain things)

it was my version of "bend like a willow"

but there is a VERY fine line between knowing when to bend in the wind like willow to not break,
and then just being a total wimp. and....i have not yet quite discern the difference for that in ALL situations yet.

so maybe i shouldn't beat myself up about it, but i do...
and i think the reason i still mostly beat myself up about it is because i see the pain i have caused in others for my certain actions, and so, until they release me from their pain, i don't feel i deserve to release myself from it, either.

i can't move on until they do. i have vowed to them servitude to their pain.

i don't know...it gets really complicated. and...i don't even know if i am making sense right now.

i guess i don't release myself from their pain is because when others have not even SEEN my pain, it has caused me even more pain. i have so been on the other end of things, most often. and then i have been left in the dust with no acknowledgement ever to come, even decades later, for it. i never ever want to be like the people who have done this to me, so if i cause pain to those i love, i do not allow myself to be released from it until they release me from it.

and then on the other end of things, i do not release others who have caused me pain either, for the simple fact that they have never formally apologized or acknowledged my pain that was caused by them.

now i know at some logical level no one can cause me pain but myself, or so i have logically been lead to believe is logical, and my mind is still on the fence on that one...

anyway....

this gives me a lot to think about. and even more than this i have barely scratched the surface as my peaceful japanese warrior "past life" and my peaceful japanese potter "past life, and then mix in a little clara bow (have to be a member of ana2 to catch that reference) and an android, and a prostitute and a cripple, and an eqyptian queen. good grief.

i don't know if i ever will be able to write about the whole damn thing without sounding like a complete nut.

6:04pm

selling a gun


i want to sell my 1st gun i bought, my 9mm semi automatic takarov (i think that is what it is called?). i bought it legally and everything, but i have no idea where the papers are for it now, it was so long ago. and what is something like that worth these days?
i just like my 38 special better, and i don't really need 2 guns.

how do i go about selling it legally?

it's intense for me to sell my 1st gun because it was/is a huge symbol for me of how i would never be put in the position if fearing for my life ever again if a man busted into my house and tried to rape me (which happened). it was a really powerful moment and very empowering when the gun was finally mine and i put that message out into the universe that it would not be ME who would die, but my attacker.

and when i sell it, i am going to get a tattoo of a white star, i think, to honour that moment of clarity and empowerment.

too bad i can't sell it as collector's album on ebay.
it's been used in so many anacam pix, and even in the video that is featured on my cd, anavoog.com

4 pix from the beginning of anacam with my gun
(i sure did get to be a better photographer later):

 

does anyone know where the photo is of me with my gun where i have it held up to the front of my fave pointing upwards very symetrically and i am wearing the gun silencer headphones? i cannot find that picture! weird!
it SHOULD be in 1st apt. archives.
also, i am noticing a ton of broken links in there. i wonder why broken links happen?
it was totally fine before!

it's almost like my site actually degrades and i have to go patch up holes...

 

 

3:40pm

i still have this weird creepy eery feeling. i can't seem to shake it.
my dreams affect me so much, sometimes.
maybe i just need to get outside for a walk and get in touch with reality.

yep, i think that's the ticket.

2:51pm

i can't believe it's july 1st. that is just bizarre. i have no grasp of it.
fireworks are legal in minnesota now. so it's weird to see them being set off outside my window here and there. they have always been illegal here for as long as i have lived here. they really scare the dogs, especially deiter.
one went off last night and he just flew off the bed and ran into the hall with his tail between his legs, the he quickly slinked back and hid behind me. he is such a sensitive little piglet man.

2:20pm

fell back asleep and went straight into dreaming all these very intense surreal uncomortable dreams that i am now trying to shake off out of my system. ick. in one, i had switched into another dimension which was almost like this one except that i had my canon camcorder back and jason's dad had an arm growing our of his neck. and then i wondered with great anxiety what OTHER things were different than this one. ack. i'm having this creepy feeling that i DID switch into another dimension and i am feeling eery.

oh, in in the dream everyone in my building knew who i was and it just really creeped me out.

 

10:30am

write a haiku about teflon.

i always wake up at 10am these days, even if i went to bed at 5am.
so weird and unlike me.

3:49am

write a haiku about pancakes.