June 24th, 2004
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6:14pm

well, we are not going to go out because jason is too stressed and too tired.
poor jason :(
so we are just going to have a low key night at his house. we'll watch a movie or something.
we have a busy schedule still ahead with seeing the new michael moore movie tomorrow night, and then saturday we are going to the zoo for his company picnic, and THEN we are going to see KISS in an outdoor concert and poison opens. ha! it will be my 1st heavy metal show of this kind! and we are 1st row center! so , wow!

i have a buffalo roast in the oven. i had a buffalo burger before. i don't remmeber it tasting all that much different from beef. it was perhaps a bit sweeter, if i recall.

5:08pm

i guess we leave at 6pm. it's really freaking cold here. we even had a windchill of 50 something degrees!
it's 61 degrees right now. i'm trying to get my hair dry before i go out or i'll freeze!

4:12pm

oh, i totally forgot that i am going out tonight with jason to see a band called the magnetic fields.
and we're going out to eat first, so, we're leaving in an hour! good thing i just took a bath!

my brain is FILLED TO THE BRIM with this whole college thing and would i want to go to learn how to make fabric or would i want to go to learn how to make clothes? i want to make fabric for my clothes! so...i want both!
then i am thinking...do i need a college or can i do it by myself?

and the pluses and minuses of all that...and then some...so...my brain is very very full right now.

i just wish there was a good college here in the twin cities for this kind fo thing. but, there just isn't :/

2:37pm

what is an Associate of Science degree?
and how does that differ from a bachelor of science degree?

12:57pm

just trying to keep my act together.
i have to start doing my taxes now. and get ALL of them finally finally finally over with.
had to call a creditor about one and that all worked out fine, i just need to send them a copy of what i am sending the government so they can note their account.

i should have sent that one thing in ages ago. i have no excuse except for my own weird brain which said i shouldn't send it in until i have ALL of the years done or something. and i had this irrational fear that i was going to send it in all wrong and incomplete and sign it on the wrong page. or what kind of written letter did i need to include with it that explained i wasn't going to pay it now but pay it when i ad all the years done so i could get on a payment plan for all of them?

how do i do that? how do i explain that? what is the proper procedure for that? i have NO idea!
and so...i just didn't send them in at all because i had no idea what to do or how to go about any of it whatsoever. and i still don't...

but i know i just need to get ready my other years for my accountant and then i think i need to see him in person and show him what papers i do have that he sent me that i was supposed to sign and send in, and see if they are still complete. and then i can sign them right in front of him and ask him these questions i have, too. because the entire thing just overwhelms and frightens me and makes me shut down and turn off and hide.

so...even tho today is yet another completely gorgeous day i am missing out on, i think i better start working on this so i have this anxiety off of me.
because i can't really completely feel happy and even "here" to enjoy anything until i have this load off my back.

+++

another thing that is causing me anxiety and it is a really maybe a bizarre thing to feel anxious about is that i was talking to my dad about how if i could go to college, i would be ready to go now. and i said that when he died and whatever money he left me i may use it to go to college. of course, i would be 60 years old or over when this would happen.

i didn't just mention this out of the blue, my dad keeps talking about his death and retirement and his will almost constantly lately, so it was pretty much on the forefront of our converstion the whole time i was there.

anyway, this brought him to say that he would maybe be able to help me out going to college now.
i told him that i would like to learn fashion design and or how to make fabric/texiles. or else furniture design.

because these are things that i don't think i could learn completely on my own as they are very technological and precise and colleges have access to all the expensive equipment and stuff.

but, of course, all the colleges that take this sort of thing seriously are either in california, new york, london, or paris.

and maybe there are other ones out there, i'm looking on the internet intermittently.
it's all rather overwhelming and confusing, too.

but i think the thing about it that causes me the most anxiety is that if i went to college and m dad paid for part of it, i would feel this incredible duty and responsibility to do rrrreeeeaaalllly well at it. but of course, i WOULD do really well at it. i mean, it's a no brainer that i would do well. but still, just the fact that i have someone else counting on me besides just myself really makes me anxious. if i paid for it myself, and then i fuct up, i wouldn't be hurting anyone but just me. but if i take some of my dad's money, then i am also hurting him if i fuck up.

i highly doubt that i would fuck anything up, but everything is always a possibility...and so...that scares the crap out of me.

and then i go deeper and wonder if my fear is just that i am now being presented a chance to go to college but for some reason i really DON'T want to go and my anxiety is some sort of self sabatoge? (yes, i overthink things tremendously). i don't think that is it...i think i am just scared of disapointing him, well..you know...disapointing your father...that is a huge thing for almost everyone.

i have already disapointed my mother and my dad's respect is all i have left.

and i suppose his respect for me would GROW if i went to college. and it's not like he's be using money that he earned with his blood sweat and tears, it's money that he inherited from grace (but still it's HIS money! his retirement money!!), the aunt of mine who died and then i inherited her oldsmobile (which i sold). and grace woild be really happy if i went to art college. that is always what she wanted me to do.. so...

i don't know. this is so hard for me. i've never been supported by my family in anything i have ever done. and now, that i am being given this ONE chance, that is what it feels like...ONE chance. and if i blow this ONE chance, then i will never have another chance every again and i will have dosapointed my family in me even further,

and so rather than risk the chance of furtherly disapointing them, i'd just rather not take that chance at all.

it scares the crap out of me. it really really does.

and as i look at some of the courses that these places make you take in order to egt the degree...like in making things "commercial" and "marketable", well, that just makes me want to puke. i really could give a flying fuck about that. i just want to learn how to MAKE the stuff that *I* want to make.

and so...i am looking up all the different kinds of classes there are and how each college differs from each other on all that. and i just know that the only one i will want to go to is one that will be in london or new yorkl or something because that is going to be the place where they think the most progressively about these sorts of things.

and of course, i want to learn how to make all sorts of fabric....

and i'd really LOVE to take furniture design because i want to make all the furniture that is in my mind! and not have to wait until someone makes it for me, and then have to spend thousands of dollars to have it. i've always wanted to make my own furniture.

also jewelry making would be fabulous so i can finally make the things i want!
i'd love to know more how to weld and stuff and rivet things together.

i don't know...i really want to learn everything, basically. and it's all connected to me.
i want to learn how to build my own house!

we live too short of lives to learn everything.

but then, after all this schooling, i'm just going to go back to being an artist who worlks for myself.
i'm not going to work in some coorporation or factory for someone else, making things that other people find commerical and marketable.

i want to make things that people didn't even KNOW they wanted. i want to make things that expand people's brains into areas they didn't even conceive of or know were there.

but...the idea of actually going to school for it scares me and excited me. and i don't know...i really have a lot to work through and think about with this.

and then also, it kind of makes me sick to think of spending all this money for this when the 1st and foremenost thing i'd like to spend that moeny on is a house!

really, what i want is just a house. and i want to make the string and the soup.
and connect with the nature of my lawn.
and so things in my onw way. and maybe i can just experiment with all the things on my own, as i always have done.

i know i could figure out my own ways of doing all of these things, eventually.

if i just had a big space and all the tools, i know i could build the furniture i want. i don't know if ever i could figure out how to make and construct a perfect man's 17th century suit, but i could come upon my own deconstructivist rendition of it!

 

i just want a fucking house. anywhere...anything. just give me a house.

i would also like to go to chef school. i want to learn everything they make on iron chef. but i think i might be able to figure that out on my own. i'm not sure.

and i CERTAINLY do not want to be a chef in a restauraunt. wayyyyy to stressful. cooking should be a relaxing thing!

speaking of food, i have a shank of buffalo dethawing now.

how weird is that?

i'm going to eat it tonight.

i wish i could go to school in london, paris, or NYC. but i just could not afford it.
and not with 3 dogs.