June 20th, 2004
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11:19pm

i'm so nervous about going to my dad's.
i know i will have a fun and relaxing tome once i am up there, but it is so hard for me to leave the comfort and familiarity of my apartment and go be at someone else's for a few days.
i never know what to pack. i always pack too much, and then i always forget to pack something important.
i hope i pack everything correctly this time.
i wish i wasn't so nervous.
i'm so sick of being nervous all the time and waking up with a panic attack.
it doesn't help that my dreams are all weird and surreal and full of anxiety either.

 

1:41am

i'll be back wednesday night with lots of pictures and stories :)

 

12:53am

the cemetary i may lay in someday.
where i am from. my roots.	the xtra bedroom i stay in at my dad's.
he seemed so fragile after his minor surgery.
me. 1984.	my great grandfather and grandmother on my dad's side. i found out she was a secret poet tho no sign of her poetry exists. and he, rather unemotional. i own a bedspread she crocheted.	my handsome grandfather. a lowly and holy farmer. the last of his kind. quiet and passive. i wish i knew more of him.
my great great grandfather and gradmother?	grace. i inherited her oldsmobile that i sold a few months ago. she showed mt "culture" and i thank her for that. but she was also quite a snob. i love her anyway!	my grandma and grandpa
the poster of me on my dad's wall. the only physical proof i have that he was ever proud of me.	besides this art thing i made for my dad with fall leaves.	something that means nothing to you, but this little statue has been in my family for as long as i can remember.
	me one 1 year ago, reflection in the breadbox. i'm skinnier now, thank goodness!	a painting my grandma (on my mom's side) made of me
me	my brother	my uncle playing imaginary harmonica, now he is dead.
my uncle, my Dad's brother
		my dad, his brother, and sister...now the sister has disappeared...
	uncle	grandpa, grandma, uncle
grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunt	dad and brother	dad and brother
i love this picture of my dad's brother, my uncle, because of his mental handicap he would sit in the attic and play old 78 records for hours on end in his own world		my dad and pooka!
		from japan from grace. looks like pooka and deiter :)
	nature in my dad's yard
dragonfly!

so, tomorrow i get to show my dad my tattoo!
my mom, of course, has not see it yet.
i'm sure it will be met with polite indifference.
which isn't so bad really in the grand scheme of parents.

here are some pictures from maybe a YEAR ago the last time i was at my dad's , which gives me some perspective on how often i see him.

my dad has a nice yard which he doesn't have any upkeep because it's one of those condo community type things.

i'm excited to bring deiter this time 'cause last time it was pooka... and sebastian has gotten to go to NYC with me, i think, twice. it's my little deiter rumproast's turn for an adventure now.

my dad and i will rent movies (we LOVE movies! any kind almost) and we will have very polite intellectual discussions. and eat hotdish and jello, the WASP food staple.

i LOVE my dad. i have finally gotten good at not showing my dad how much i truly love and miss him. i have learned the art of letting go of the brief hug first and not showing neediness in any way whatsoever.

i am efficient, polite, and brief.

but yet, my relationship with him is probably one if the most honest ones i have... simply for how long we have known each other (all my life) and for how long i have worked on it)...

sometimes i think about writing him the letter of all letters. you know, the kind of letter you'd want to write after someone died.

but i don't think he could handle it. surprisingly and uexpectedly, for me, the older he has gotten, the more he has realized , a bit, that i am the only sane family he has left and will have left at the end of his life. and so for the 1st time ever, i have witnessed brief glimpses of him reaching out to me and actually showing me he is scared of being completely and utterly alone, although he is definitely prepared for it and will face that like a true old time norwegian/swede.

but when i reach out to him, in email only, i then don't hear from him for a month. it is the constant game of the seeker and the saught. and that is the only part of our relationship that gives me anxiety. making sure i am well aware of that dance second by second and abiding by it's silent and never spoken about "rules".

each year i get better at it, but each year i sense that my dad wonders of this is a good thing as he first "unthought".

by the time he figures it out that it is probably not such a good thing,
he will be dead.

thank godness i believe in an afterlife and a life after that...and so...i know we will have infinite time to have a good laugh about this after. if i did't know this, it would drive me mad for sure.