June 14th, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

the email i did NOT send my mom:

you don't get what i am saying AT ALL.
and i am NOT going to explain it to you anymore.

lj a symptom of me discounting your feelings?

UNREAL that you said that. UNBELIEVABLE.

you have heard absolutely NOTHING i have said.
your entire email, to me, was so insulting. i just cannnot even get over it at all.
i am blown away by your incapacity to comprehend the reality of this situation.

please don't write to me for awhile. i am afraid for what you may write to me and it gives me great anxiety just knowing you may drop some email bomb on me any minute that ruins my life for weeks on end, as you have just done again. because you just don't know when to stop.
or you do know when to stop, but you just refuse to do so. i don't know which one.
but either way, you are obviously incapable of ceasing to say things to me that i find incredibly upsetting, hurtful, depressing, insulting, and infuriating.

i am very very upset and i don't know how to handle this at all.
i don't know how to respond to this kind of thing anymore.

i just feel like giving up. i don't know what to do. it seems we get so close to some sort of reconconciliation...and then WHAM, we are right back to square one or worse.
you just don't understand anything i ever tell you no matter how many months now i have poured my entire soul into trying to explain everything to you as clearly as i possibly can. i don't know how more clear i can ever put anything. and i cannot simply just keep saying the same things over and over to you.

and i tell you to stop writing to me about lj, and what is the very thing you do next?
you write me a BIG LONG EMAIL about, guess what? lj.
what is the deal with that?

and what you did is quite a bit different from what i did.
so don't even try to compare the two.

and i could go on and on and on and on about that and explain to you exactly what i mean by that and i HAVE.
but i'm just not going to anymore.
if you don't get it, then you just don't get it and so be it.
if that is what you want to believe, then so be it. i give up.

and if you just want to try to justify everything you did by bring up crap from the past into this and making it even murkier and muddier and messier and stupider. i am NOT going to go there with you. but trying to say that what you did...tell ALL you lj friends about me who are STRANGERS to you as somehow equal to me telling ONE of my friends about ONE of your journals, a person i have known since i was 18 years old. a person i have personally known for 20 years...if that is equal to YOU telling a whole BUNCH of perfect strangers and then god knows who else they all told...if that is equal to you...then that is really screwed up in my opinion.

and no, you didn't tell me to leave lj because YOU DIDN'T INVITE ME IN TO LIVEJOURNAL.

i was there 1st. i gave lj t you as a GIFT! I INVITED YOU IN.

get this. it's like i invited you into a party of MINE, and then YOU got out of control and i asked you to leave my party and then you WOULDN'T. and then you took a few of MY party guests with you and rolled around my my front yard for awhile.
and then you took a few of my worst enemies and paraded around with THEM for awhile.

YOU took me people off MY friends list. people i then had to take off mine and defriend because i am NOT going to have the same lj friends as YOU have. and MANY of your lj friends are friends with my lj friends. it's a very small world. and word gets around. and word DID get around.
so no, it cannot be just contained in your own little world. it ALL gets back to me. and it DID. and it STILL WILL.

DUH.

when *I* wrote stuff in my lj about YOU. YOU did NOT have a lj. you were not even ONLINE. you didn't even have email!
NO ONE had ANY way of contacting you. you did not have a journal that they could then go find and then harass you. you did not even have an email account!!! i did not come into YOUR world/business/art and crash YOUR party/business/art.

your BUSINESS!!!! YOUR SOLE SOURCE OF FRICKIN' INCOME! did i come and crash that?????
no i did not!!!

so no, you did not ask me to leave lj because it wouldn't have been in your right to do so!
because YOU did not INVITE me into lj. YOU were not there 1st! it was not given from you to me as a GIFT OF FAITH AND KINDNESS.

and no i do NOT owe it to you, after all that has happened on lj with you, to go and announce to ALL your bitchy crappy stupid gossipy psycho LJ friends that i am, indeed , your daughter, so that they will believe you that i am your daughter.

WHY on earth would i do that?? why would i go talk to a bunch of insane people who are beyond gross so that YOU can make up with them and be friends with them again and so all of this ridiculousness can continue on and on and on???? and so now it can be CONFIRMED tha indeed, here IS my lj, my website, my email, my p.o. box. COME AND GET ME!
and i can then have that crazy stalker woman harrass me MORE??? and email me more??? and tell all HER friends so THEY can harrass me?
WHY WOULD I PUT MYSELF IN THAT POSITION???

and you say you miss <name deleted>.
did you know that is a person from MY FRIENDS LIST????
and that he is friends with MANY of my lj friends who i now have had to all take off my friends list and stop talking to them because of YOU???

because all these people GOSSIP! and i have to walk around cutting these lines to stop gossip from happening and putting out all these fires.

how can you even say that what you have done with LJ is ANYTHING comparable to when i used to write about you in mine.

i understand that the pain and hurt is comparable. i understand that. and i don't write about you in my lj anymore. and i am sorry that i ever did.

but AT THE TIME, you were NOT EVEN ONLINE.

and then when you did get a lj, and people started harrassing you for things. YOU have the luxury of leaving and going and making a new journal.
and so you can just keep leaving behind all those stalker people.

*I* cannot do that. *I* cannot just leave my lj and go make a new secret journal. because my lj is part of my BUSINESS.
and if i kept leaving it and making new secret ones, then it being part of my business wouldn't work out very well, would it???

so i CAN'T leave like you do. i don't have that LUXURY.

and so now here i am explaining this to you and spelling it out again, and this is exactly what i did NOT want to do.

i wake up and 1st thing i do is type this crap out for HOURS. which i will now ruminate for the rest of the day and the week and the month.
and just feel utterly depressed and like shit. and try to work through this , AGAIN, through my body and soul and try to just keep going on with my day and my life regardless.

but i am so sick and tired of putting my energy into this and typing these things to you over and over and over.

which feels like typing into a black hole of NOTHINGness, into a void. because i get NOTHING out of typing this crap to you because you NEVER get ANY of it.

and so i type and type and type and explain and explain and i get nothing out of this which is why i do not want to continue doing this anymore.

how many more of these kind of emails can i type?

NO MORE!!! i just cannot go on typing these!!! wasting hours and hours and hours and days and weeks of my life pouring out my soul to a person who cannot or won't understand what i am saying! ruining my life. lowering my energy to the point that it cuts all energy from me and makes me not be able to create or go on with my daily life. i have been just struggling for YEARS to keep going on and keep having a business and keep on with my life , clawing my way out of this hole with every fiber in my being that i have left after it's sucked dry of thinking about this insanity. and i don't want to live like this anymore!

this is so frustrating!!!!

it's a gorgeous beautiful day outside and what am i doing?? i am sitting here rehashing all this horrible stupid bullshit, making my heart hurt, whipping myself into a frenzy of pain and anxiety when i could be out there living a LIFE , for cryin' out loud. enjoying the EARTH walking my DOGS. having some fricking BREAKFAST.

but instead, i wake up with a knot in my stomache, cannot even breathe, paranoid and scared to check my email for fear of what else you are going to write to me today.

like how MY pain is a mere SYMPTOM of me "discounting" YOUR pain.
ya, MY pain is just a SYMPTOM of me discounting your pain, mom.

and you're always saying it's all about me me me and my pain.
well that is YOUR PROJECTION onto me. because it's all about YOU YOU YOU and YOUR pain.
because you can't even SEE my pain to even rightfully acknowledge it yet.
ALL YOU CAN SEE OF MY PAIN IS THAT IT MUST BE A SYMPTOM OF ME DISCOUNTING YOUR PAIN.
that is ALL it is to you. all neatly summed up.

that says it all right there.

i'm always pouring my soul out to you. rehashing all the pain i have felt for the last few years.
and all you can see of it is that it must be a symptom of me discounting your pain. unreal.

it just NEVER ENDS. it NEVER ENDS.

and it HAS TO END NOW.

i CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.

and you ask me where is my sadness and remorse for writing about my anger i have with you in my lj.
i am SORRY that i did that. i did NOT mean for you to read it or for that to hurt you. you were not even online.

but i am NOT sorry for the things that i wrote, to be perfectly frank. but those were things i honestly felt.
you WERE abusive to me. and you jsut refuse to STILL see that.

i do not need to rehash all the things you said again. but just to name a few, telling me that my breasts are grotesque and my hair looks like cnacer, and that i am psychotic, and that i am an insult to women and feminism, and that rapists come to my site to get all riled up before they go rape women, and that i am into dark and evil things, and you told me that i am stupid, and were worried i was going to go to hell. and i could go on and on and on.

so do i have remorse for being angry about that and writing about that? NO I DO NOT!

do i feel bad that i wrote in my lj??? yes, i do! for THAT i am sorry. i am sorry for WHERE i wrote it. i am NOT sorry for what i wrote.
because those were me true feelings about what you did to me. and i have every right to feel those things and be angry about those horrible things you did to me.

and i just haven't even had the LUXURY of having a BREAK from things that make me mad that you do!
so i can just never get over the anger because it just keeps piling on!
i never get a break from it!
it just keeps going and going and going and going.
and you just keep insulting me and insulting me and insulting me and it never ends!

soomeday, if EVER i could get just a few YEARS break in there from being completely insulted about things, then MAYBE i could have the luxury of not feeling so much anger anymore!

i am NOT coming frm a loving place like i would want to when communicating wit you.
i am TRYING to SOMEHOW wrk through and get there.
to somehow be able to let go of all of this and forgive and come at this from a loving and forgiving heart.
but as you can see, i am SO not there, AT all.

all i am right now is pure anger and pain.

because all i feel is like i keep getting cattle prodded over and over. and it's really hard for me to work through my pain when i am still being put through MORE pain.

it's like you're poking me with a knife saying "heal heal heal dammit and be sorry and remorseful! and what about MY pain? what about MY pain? what about MY pain? what about MY anger"

ya, what ABOUT it mom? dont you think i feel your pain and anger on me almost CONSTANTLY?? since you are CONSTANTLY poking me with a knife???

i GET it. i HEAR you. you have pain and anger with me! ok! GOT it!

STOP POKING ME WITH KNIFE!

if you want me to get to a point where i can even remotely feel ANY empathy for you and your pain STOP POKING ME WITH A KNIFE so i have the LUXURY of feeling no pain for a MINUTE so i can HEAL, so i can GET TO THAT POINT!

maybe jesus christ can feel forgiveness in his heart while he is getting poked with a knife.
but *I* am NOT jesus christ! and i do NOT feel forgiveness when i feel that. i feel ANGER and i feel PAIN.
i feel VICIOUS. and i feel UNLOVING and i feel VERY unforgiving. as it very apparently obvious.

i am not buddha. i am not jesus christ. i am NOT able to come from a compassionate and loving place in my heart over any of this right now. at all. that is not in my capacity, although i am working towards that goal, even though i am miles off from ever getting there.

if you want me to stop rehashing all this past crap with you.
then STOP REHASHING ALL THIS PAST CRAP WITH ME!!!

you always yell at me about how i will not let the past just die. but it's YOU who keeps bringing it up over and over again forcing me to rehash it!

so just STOP it!

augh. i'm just going to stop typing about this now. because i don't even know where to end this! so i'm just ending it here.

10:56pm

 

7:21pm

another damn email to my mom:

"mom, i never ever said that you were boring.

what do you mean "If I live journal again..."

if? do you REALLY think there is going to be an if?
DO you have a lj again?
you do, don't you?

i wish YOU could see that it's never in 5 billion years going to happen that i am ok with it.
it has NOTHING to do with you never responding to me in my journal or just keeping to yourself as if i could believe that would actually really be possible.
you just don't get it to do?
mom, you HURT me with that. more than you are ever ever ever obviously going to get, comprehend, understand, or anything.
i don't know how to put it to you so you get it for once and for all.

i will NEVER EVER EVER be ok with you having a lj. not ever. not for as long as you and i both shall live.
because THAT is how much you hurt me with it.

and my trust in you has been completely shattered because of it. and my heart was completely ripped into 5 million bloody pieces because of it, and i am not over that or healed from that by FAR.

not only did YOU hurt me but all your "friends" hurt me.

you made me feel unsafe. they made me feel unsafe.

because of that entire ordeal i have had to stop writing in my journal about many things now because i don't trust anyone not even you to not try and infiltrate it like you did when you told that crazy woman to pretend to be my lj friend and then report back to you what i had written.

and yelling at me in public in my friends journal with that woman. i know you said you are sorry. but THAT is why i will NEVER be ok with you having a lj again.

you make me feel like the internet is an unsafe place for me to be as long as you are on lj.

i don't trust your friends. i don't trust any of it.

it REALLY F*CKED ME OVER. and the more you talk about it the more you are rubbing salt in my wounds.

so if you EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER get another one. EVER again. 1 year from now, 10 years from now, 40 years from now, i will NEVER speak you EVER again. do you understand that?

this is not some power trip. this is me telling you where my boundries are and me telling you that i will NOT allow that to happen to me again.
i will not even take one single step in that direction because that is how much it hurt me and how much i am taking steps for myself to not allow myself to be put in the line of fire like that again.

i'm sorry you miss it , although i can't figure out why on earth you would since it has caused so much insane pain.

i almost left lj altogether because of you on lj. i almost even shut down my cam which is my entire life and business because of you on lj because i felt so unsafe from you and from your "friends".

it almost completely ruined my life and gave me a nervous breakdown.

so the fact that you can even WONDER of MAYBE i am going to be ok with you having a lj EVER...i mean EVER. is absolute insensitvity on your part, i feel.

and i BEG you to stop talking to me about it. but you just don't. you will just not stop talking to me about and telling me about how sad you are because you don't have one anymore. and that hurts me. because you just won't stop doing things that hurt me when i tell you over and over to stop doing things that hurt me. how can i trust you if you just can't stop doing things that hurt me when i tell you over and over again to please stop it?

and you will just not stop doing these litttle guilt trips to me about it. like i am supposed to feel sorry for you somehow that you can't have a lj.
maybe to you it is not guilt trips but it's just you expressing your sadness that you don't have a lj. but to ME , it's guilt trips.

i'm sorry mom, but no, i do NOT feel sorry for you that you cannot have a lj. YOU wrecked it. you made that bed so now lay in it.
that is the harsh reality of your situation. and sometimes you just have to suck it up and move on. i'm sorry to be so extremely blunt.
but when you are in a relationship with someone it's a 2 way street and you can't just do whatever it is you want to do when it hurts the other person and still expect that other person to then stick around.
like you cannot be expecting your husband to stick by you if you kept having extramarital affairs. that is logical and reasonable.

what you did with lj to me, and all that happened, is like you betraying me by having 20 extramarital affairs that were very horrible for me. and then all the people you had affairs with contacted me and harrassed me on top of it. and then YOU wanted me to actually go in there and fix the fights you were having with these stupid people FOR you. i mean, come on!
and so NO, when you whine and sulk and remininice and be sad about all your x lovers and how much you miss them, and how you wish you could go do that to me again and screw around behind my back (even if i do not find out), that HURTS me, and i'm like "hell no! if you want to be in a relationship with me you CANNOT do that to me again!"

do you get it???

because you are lonely and by yourself and your husband is gone a lot do you go screw around behind his back?
and if he found out and you still wanted to do it, would you talk to him over and over and over and over about how much you miss screwing around behind his back?
don't you think that would be just SLIGHTLY hurtful for him to hear?
well, THAT is how it feels for me. and i've already told you this now 3 times!

that is just the frank truth of how i feel. if you miss lj you do not have the right to blame ME for it. you only have yourself to blame for it because YOU screwed it up by lying to me over and over again and being on it in the 1st place when i begged for you to leave.
and when you told that crazy woman and your other lj "friends" who i was and where MY lj was, that was just too much.

and they started contacting me and trying to drag ME into that ridiculous drama.
and then YOU tried to drag me into it, and you STILL try.

that was a NIGHTMARE. and it CONTINUES to be a nightmare for me.

and i am still just SHAKING from that experience and i have not even been allowed to have any space where i feel safe enough to even start to heal from it. because month after month after month you just keep bringing up how you miss it and want one again.
and trying to make ME feel bad that i won't "let you", like *I* am the one who was bad here and i am being totally unfair and mean to you.

it is indeed tragic that the one thing that will make you feel less depressed is the one thing that could DESTROY MY SANITY.

do you get it??? do you get that it could destroy my sanity? and not only that but that i would hate you forever for doing that to me again? for making me feel unsafe again and again and again? is that worth it to you?

it HURTS me that you think it might be WORTH IT for you to have another lj knowing full well that to do so is playing russian roulette with my sanity and even having a daughter.

yes, it's too bad that YOU ruined it for yourself.
and now, lj is not an option anymore for you IF you want to have a daughter.
and if you care about helping your daughter heal and maybe start to feel like she can start to trust again.

but THAT is the harsh reality of this situation.
that is the way it is. end of story.

and you are just going to have to find somewhere else to hang out on the internet that is NOT lj. because it's NEVER going to be ok with me for you to be there. not ever.

and when you whine and sulk at me how other places on the internet are just not as fun for you, well, that deeply deeply hurts and offends me.
because what is says to me is that having a few really stupid lj friends is more important to you than having a daughter, gaining my trust, and that you do not at all care how i feel and how hurt i was and how much you could hurt me again. that you are willing to take that chance again and go through that entire nightmare again. that you are really willing to risk that.
and i can't even comprehend that even the tiniest little bit.

it just hurts and offends me deeply.
and that is why i am having a hard time trusting you.
because you will just not let this LJ thing die once and for all.

you have GOT to let it go, if you want a daughter and you want a daughter who trusts you.

and i'm not "making you" not have a lj.
and i'm not stopping you from having one.
it's still YOUR choice. its in YOUR power. it's YOUR life.
have one if you want to.
i'm not doing this to punish you. this has NOTHING to do with punishment..
this has to do with ME taking control of MY life and deciding where i feel safe having my boundries and what steps i need to take in my own life to stop having things in my life that cause my extreme amount of pain.

i am simply and reasonably saying that if you CHOOSE to have another lj, i will NOT be having a relationship with you.
it's YOUR choice. it's completely in your control which choice you'd like to make.

i hope you can understand this. and i hope you can respect this.

and i hope you will once and for all drop this entire subject of lj with me.
because i really do not want to hear about it anymore, as i have told you over and over and over again.

i'm not your internet buddy about this. and i'm not your shrink for you about any sadness you feel about the loss of lj in your life.
i am NOT the right person to talk to about this.

you can talk to me about all the other sadnesses in your life. but i don't care to hear about lj. because it HURTS me when you bring it up.

i just want you to be my MOM, not my internet buddy."

 

6:04pm

	who on earth knows what this is i am making?	shirts blazers aprons
dresses, slips, robes	shoes boots	the bruise on my leg from the vacuum cleaner falling me

the next thing to tackle is TAXES. augh.

 

5:54pm

cleaned cleaned organized organized.
actually hung up all my clothes, even tho they are smashed on there to the extreme.
moved all my shoes from out of the closet and into the thing room so i could actually SEE and get to my shoes and boots. switched a lot of things around everywhere in hopes that i would be able to get to it all better which is the #1 reason that my house gets so disorganized in the 1st place is because i cannot access anything to put anything away or even retrieve it.

i still need to put the software in for my scanner and printer to get those working again. *crosses fingers*

i'm so tired i feel like i could fall asleep right now.
but i am also hyper.

i have way too much clothing. but i love it all. i used to actually wear almost all of it. but now it all has so many rips in all of it because these things are from the 20s 30s and 40s. everything is falling apart but i can't bring myself to throw it away, sell it, or cut it up and crochet it. so i just look at it deteriorating in my closet and wistfully sigh at it's beauty.

 

4:08pm

i think i figured ut why i am more nervous that usual. i forgot i am out of amitriptyline, which is the drug i take daily so that i do not have my migraines. but it is also a bit of a sedative, as well, and when i go off of it, i have withdrawal in the form of anxiety. i completely keep forgetting to call it in and then go and get it. i ran out when jason was in vegas. so i don't even remember how many days i haven't taken it. but ya...no wonder i'm super anxious! because i have not been taking that drug. hopefully, tomorrow jason can drive me there.

tonight he has his 1st chess leson with a chess master that is rated as top #50 in this country.

it is impossible for jason to give his brain a rest :)

my brain isn't very restful either. i know i should get outside, but cleaning my house and organizing every last inch of this place so that i can get rid of a ton of stuff seems more important to me right now.

i don't even know if i can deal with bringing a lot of this stuff to elaine's for her garage sale on the 26th. a lot of this stuff i just want out of here NOW.

i feel like hauling it down to the trash and just putting up a sign in this building that says what i put out in the trash and if anyone wants it they should just go grab it.

but i also feel like just laying on my floor and trying to calm down.

i'm so damn anxious.

 

3:07pm

still cleaning and organizing and it's starting to drive me a bit insane now.

i think i need to eat something.

12:43pm

i fouind this great radio station on live365.com called "radio dismuke" which plays stuff from the 20's and 30's :)

heck ya!

and another station called "grandma smoked dope" that is jazz from the 30s and 40s :) yum!

 

12:24pm

i got up at 10am today.
i always wake up filled with anxiety lately. i hate it.

jason showed me this which made us both drool:

http://www.fabprefab.com/fabfiles/fabzonehome.htm

a lot of people are writing me extremely ridiculous and mean emails because i am letting my disdain for ronald reagan be known. whatever.

i tried the new coke c2. it's ok.

i MUST get outside today. and i mean MUST.

i have not yet even put my bare feet on this earth for maybe...i dunno...over a year. and that's bad.

yesterday i hung out with fuzzybumblebee and kiitos all day. kiitos took us out to eat for french food at hotel sofitel. i had this eggs hollandaise but with lox on it, too. yum!

and i tried snails finally. i have to say it's the garlic and butter that makes them edible. they weren't BAD. i certainly would eat them again if they were the only thing to eat. but i won't go out of my way to order thme again. to me, they taste like a very boring mushroom. i'm glad i can cross snails off my list of things to eat because i really like snails and had many as pets when i was a child.

i suppose if snails are presented to me again cooked differently, i'll have to try THAT out. but if they are just in the usual garlic and butter, i'd rather have mushrooms.

my god french food is filling! i was ready to bust open from all that butter the entire day yesterday!

oo, i just remmebered i have a chocolate croissant still ,too, from yesterday, yippee!

and then we hung out at kiitos house for a long time and talked about everything under the sun :)