June 8th, 2004
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i cleaned so much today, it was amazing!

i still have so much left to do, but i did SO much. stuff i have been putting off for a year. folded all my clothes, aorted through almost every box. i swear i AM going to get rid of 1/2 of my stuff before the end of this year. i will do it!

ah, it's going to be good to wake up tomorrow and realize all i have cleaned :)

and now it's raining and thundering and lightning in the most relaxing way . ah :)

 

4:20pm

i'm still cleaning like a maniac :) feels so good!
gonna wash the kitchen floor now :)

3:09pm

i don't knwo what came over me, but as soon as i woke up i started massively cleaning the "thing room".
i'm on a major cleaning spree and getting rid of things spree.
i wish i had a transporter that i could put my things into and they would automatically be transported to the people who wanted my stuff.

i'm going through everything. i have way too much of everything. and i'm ringing my scanner and printer into my bedroom and i'll try to find the software to put them on my main computer.

i have so much stuff! and it's all covered in dust or dog fur. and all my clothes need the holes sewn up on them...and just so many things. i need a personal assistant. i really do.

 

11:11am

there is a big fly in my house.

1:03am

i watched a lot of documentaries on transgendered people tonight on showtime. whenever there is any programme on "that sort of thing", i have to watch it. things on hermaphrodites, transgendered, gay, queer, transexuals, all of it. you cannot pigeon hole ANY of these people and, indeed, many of these types of people hate being lumped into one big "thing" and some even hate each other. like many people who are gay will not welcome transgendered into their communities. i didn't know this.

anyway, anything involving identity and sexual orientation and all of that sort of thing has always greatly intrigued me as i see all human as basically spirits who are probably neither male nor female, but once we incarnate onto this earth, that becomes all important and people want and need (for some reason i cannot completely fathom) to draw clear and distinct lines as to who people are and what those people behind those lines must behave like and be.

and it really is just all so grey and not very defined at all and all these lines bleed into each other and people even switch sides constantly. at least for me, i know that sometimes i feel very girly and pink and couldn't ever be anything other than that, but then a month, week, or day later, i might feel very masculine. and weirdly, the older i get, the more masculine and the more feminine i feel. sometimes i even fantasize about living the latter half of my life as a very masculine person. just to try it out maybe. as i've played around with being a female for the 1st half. well, the 1st 3rd was androgynous, then i became ultra female and got the breasts, and then, i could see myself taking them out and being androgynous again, or even very masculine.

i want to switch my gender as fast as i can switch my clothing. if i could, magically, look like a man and have a man's body for certain times and certain things and then switch over and be the epitome of feminine the next hour, i surely would take advantage of that.

i both want to fuck and be fucked. and i guess that is why i identify myself as mostly "queer", because i certainly am awfully queer and i don't even know exactly what i am as it changes hourly.

anyway, it pains me when i see most everyone so wrapped up in their gender or what gender they are attracted to.

and families who are torn apart by this and all the people who are hurt and brutally murdered over whether or not someone has a penis or a "real" penis or no penis.

i mean, what is that about? i don't get it! i seriously don't. i have never been able to figure that out.

how can a family member never speak to you anymore because you were born with a penis and now you don't? or you fucked people that had a penis, and now you don't? what is that about?

and why do so many family members feel someone in their family has died when they simply choose to not have a penis anymore? or they choose they want one now?

how many family members even SEE each others genitals? so what matter is it?

i don't get it. i just don't.

why is gender SO important to this world?

i'm not being as eloquent or as thorough as i wish to be on this subject right now because i'm so sleepy.

i remember when my record label wanted to put a questionaire on a website they had for me so that they could gather statistics of who was visiting the site, and one of the questions was the typical "male or female?"

and i get so offended by that question because it , in one single simple swoop, completely makes several million people who do not identify as either male or female absolutely invisible and nonexistent.

and it causes them pain. and it promotes duality and borders.

and i refuse to be a part of that.

so i said what i would prefer which was are you a

1.male
2.female
2. hermaphrodite
3. male in a females body
4. female in a males body
5. both male and female
6. neither

etc etc etc...i think i had about 10 different options.

but because my record company couldn't deal with that, they scrapped the questionaire all together rather than actually open their minds or "deal with a difficult artist"

i guess if they couldn't gather their UNFACTS they would rather not gather facts at all.

fuck that.

i get so upset with this narrow world.

i just don't feel that anyone should have to feel like they do not exist and aren't valid, call me silly.

everytime i am forced to check whether or not i am a male or a female, like for my minnesota ID, it really pisses me off. it pisses me off bad.

i mean who CARES? why does the state of minnesota have to know what gender i am?

it certainly cannot be just to be able to identify me. because if i check female but look exactly like a male, what good is that going to be to anyone?

seriously what is the point of it?

what is the point of that question to EVER be asked? the only time i could ever think of that to be a valid question and ANYones business is between to partners/mates who are trying to figure out if children could be conceived between the both of them. and even then, you aren't guaranteed fertility.

WHAT is the point of asking someone what gender they are? what? so you know how to "treat" them according to how society told you you should treat a woman or a man?

it seems to be to be about power. but...i will talk about this more later as now i am so sleepy i cannot type anymore...

 

...

in other news jason just called me and he is doing really well in vegas. and i think he may come home with more $ than what he left with :)