June 3rd, 2004
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6:03pm

i put silver strings in my hair for 2 1/2 hours. i never make it outside. i don't know what my deal is. i guess i just wanted to do my hair. maybe there is no other mystery to it than that. took a bath. painted my toenails and fingernails silver. now i smell like pikaki, a tropical flower from hawaii. it's my new fave scent.
jason leaves tomorrow for a week. so, i'm going to go over there now and spend some time with him before he goes. i'll be back later...
i feel very anxious today. i shouldn't have had that red bull.

my body droops and wrinkles in new ways that grosses me out.
i'm trying to accept it and just not care but it's hard.
i try to remember what my stomache looked like when i was 22.
i imagine myself as 88 years old laying in the sun on a dock on a lake, and i wonder if i close my eyes i can feel exactly like i did when i had a 22 year old body.

it's so true that youth is wasted on the young.

i don't want to be 22 again. not for a million dollars (ok, well, maybe 2 million). but i do want my body back.

i'm scared that if i am grossed out NOW, how will i feel when i'm 70? will it be any easier then to deal? i have a horrible feeling that the answer to that is no.

i have to remember that i don't have to look old for very long. after i'm dead i get a new body :)

thank goodness for that.

but until then, please pass the botox and a good sense of humour...

i'm glad i got to live in a very attractive body for as long as i did. i was one of the lucky ones in that way. i thank my lucky stars.

but the problem with having something physically valuable is that you eventually have to give it up.

i'm glad that i see myself as more than my body and do not place my value as a human being on how atractive that body is (completely). but i still have quite a long way to go before i can totally make peace with the fact that a huge part of me and what i identify as me in many ways, is leaving.

i'm glad that madonna is always going to be 8 years older than me, as strange as that sounds. i need some one to look up to who is older than i am so that i can study how they deal with aging so i have something to gauge myself by and evaluate how i am doing and where am at. like right now she still looks really good, so i know i still have a good 8 years left in me of looking "sexy". does that sound weird that i do that? is that bad? i don't think it's bad. i think it's probably a normal behaviour. and i don't think i'm being completely unrealistic to compare my body with hers (if madonna was flabby and out of shape). but i do think i better start eating better and getting some excercise if i want to remain looking as youthful as i can for as long as i can.

madonna can touch her toes and then some! and i, pathetically, cannot! i gotta get with the plan, stan!

 

 

 

 

4:10pm

i'm putting silver stting in my hair. wrapping my real hair up against each dreadlock, tying it down. it's so time consuming and hard to do by myself.

2:02pm

i have to get outside! it's so gorgeous! but i seem to do ANYTHING but get ready to do it. what's my deal?

i've been getting up early (for me). like 10am or 11am. and what did i do with my time today? i don't even know. the time just whizzes by.

checked email, emailed people back i had been putting off, sorted through the campix, made the anagram, put the card through, looked at the news sites, emailed one girl about a fashion show i want to be in this july, and another one i want to be in this november. filled out a really stupid questionaire to be a part of a documentary on camfgirls that this guy from california is making, IMed with jason a bit, read my friends list, made sure artcontest and photoconest were working correctly. i took art contest back from this psycho person i had turned it over to last week. what is it with people and why are so many of them psycho?

i think i'll take some garbage out now. some big huge boxes i need to haul down one at a time with the elevator. yuck.

i feel really unpretty lately and don't really want to see anyone whatsoever. i just feel awkward and icky.

i tried to stretch yesterday. i can't even touch my toes anymore. my body is in a state of atrophy.
i need to start MOVING again. walking, dancing, stretching. i need my house to be clean so i have ROOM to move.

looked at photos of madonna a news.yahoo.com yesterday and compared my aging with her aging and figured i'm doing ok except for me not being able to touch my toes.

i feel a bit lost lately. i'm still recovering from the crazy month of may. feel out of sorts.
i need to get grounded and plugged back inot the universal core of energy. i'm kind of floating here, ragged-like.

i feel like chucking everything i own out the window. i need room! and i need space! i need infinite abundance and love! la de da la de da....blah blah blah.

i want less! i want more! i want everything except for more stress!

i feel very stressed out. i need to go for a walk. if i could just find something that was not covered in dog hair to wear...

i'm going to put green string in my hair. my real hair is so long now it doesn't sit right within the dreads anymore. it sticks up and sticks out and looks totally stupid. so i need to tie it all down with some yarn. that will take forever and i'm not in the mood to do it. i'm not really in the mood to do anything. i just need a vacation.

i question myself as to if i want to do these 2 more fashion shows this year. it's SO much work and i didn't really get anything back from the last one except for the satisfaction that i did it. i didn't even have one person email from it and say "hey, i saw your show!" it's just months and months of very expensive and time consuming work for the chance to be on a stage for only FOUR MINUTES. that doesn't seem like a very logical thing to do. at least if you are in a band yu get to be on stage for 45 minutes or longer so you get time to get your point across and win people over.

but 4 minutes only to get a point across? i don't know, it seems rather silly. if there wasn't the internet i could see the point in it because how else would you let people know you existed?

hmm, i don't know. the more i write about this the more silly it seems to be part of a fashion show.

it would make more sense for me to hire models and dress them up and do proper make up on them and take the photos myself somewhere.

do fashion designers do this so they can also get the photos? because so many do not know how to do their own photography and make up...so they do these shows so they can see their outfits fully realized and then documented?

also, there seems there could be such better ways for people to see the outfits. for instance, i think it would be nice to just have a cocktail party, and have models dressed up in your outfits and mingling with the party goers. and then people can go up and touch and see the outfits. when it's on a runway, it goes so fast and the audience is so removed from it, a bit.

or even hire a bunch of models to wear your outfits and then go club hopping with you. you could make all the bars that night and get seen everywhere and hand out lots of cards.

to me, that would seem to be a lot more profitable than just getting to be on a stage for 4 minutes only.

i don't know...i have to rethink this and do something different.

i don't think that being on a runway for 4 minutes only is the way for me to go...

but i am willing to give it a few more tries just to be able to study it further. and it was good for me to meet some models so i even know who i could call on for further projects of mine.

and i'd like to meet some more make up artists, too.

so, i'll probably do these 2 more shows, and then i will go off and do things in a better way , for me.