June 1st, 2004
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1:28pm

after listening to an archived show about reincarnation on c2c, i went to the website of the guy who was being interviewed. and i had never considered that if someone looked exactly like a person from the past, that person might be a reincarnation of that person from the past. and so, the 1st thing that came to mind for me is clara bow, who people would say i looked a lot like, especially when i was very young and had a dark bob haircut and would wear heavy eyeliner with lipstick. and so, i looked her up and though, ya, i do/did look a lot like her. but really didn't give it any more thought than that until today when i looked her up again and read about her life. and we have SO many uncanny similiarities! and i can completely understand that if i were her, how my life now is a continuation of hers.

i even took on the middle name of clara! and was thinking this morning (before i looked any of this up) that if i ever had a daughter, i'd name her clara.

clara was a name that always seemed like this far away long ago thing, yet it was always a name that was eerily familiar and "home" to me.

clara and i both had abusive mothers who thought we were "whores" for going into the entertainment industry.
and i really had a huge feeling that my past life right before this one was filled with great tragedy and struggle. and probably involved financial difficulties and mental health concerns, and a lot of screwed up sexual power stuff like rape. and also involved me very very much wanting to be an actress but never quite acheiving what i wanted to with it.

and like clara bow, i still struggle with a lot of these issues, and also the issues of being a pioneer in the struggle for women to be able to have their sexual freedoms and desires and not be seen as one dimensional because of that. and also to not be crucified for that.

clara, despite being a good actress, maybe even a great actress, was still pigeonholed by the media as being a total slut and was never given a role that she was able to show off the full range of her acting abilities. and gossip about her in regards to sex was ridiculous and blown out of proportion. and finally, at age 28, she had enough of that and left to go live on a ranch in the desert with a man named rex bell, who looks an AWFUL lot like jason! she said she wanted to be remembered for more things than just taking off her clothes!

it feels like i am almost living out her life again, as i look back on mine, except mine is slightly better in that i wasn't raised in total poverty, my parents were not as bad as clara's by a long shot, and i live in a time that is a BIT more open to women's sexuality (but not by much). and i also have not been diagnosed with schizophrenia and had to have shock treatment. but i totally know that my recent lives had been filled with a LOT of things like that.

like clara, i long to be in a GREAT "talkie" movie. and not work with just b movie directors and actors.
but i never really make it there. and i do the best with what i can and who i have to work with.

i also have made my living a lot from acting with no sound, my cam!
we both had to show our emotions purely from facial expressions and movements.

and, like clara, i also left the entertainment industry in disgust of them trying to pigeon hole me.

we also both hate the sound of our speaking voices.
but we both can sing.

clara was the "it" girl of that silent film era of the 20s'. and i was the "it" girl for the beginning of the internet (besides jennifer).

and i want to leave and go live in the desert, too, at a ranch.

i have to order the biography on her to read more about her now. i have that book "running wild" on my wishlist now.

anyway, i think it's extremely freaky to ponder. and i know it sounds rather insane and incredibly narcissistic to say that i think i may be the reincarnation of clara bow, but so be it. it really makes sense to me, and it makes absolute perfect sense as to why i am who i am today and why i have been drawn to certain things and certain desires and goals. and why i have a closet full of vintage dresses from the 20's and 30's :)

but if i was going to be totally vain, i sure could pick a better life and actress to say i was than clara bow.

now i must go rent all her movies, too! not that the movies are "her". she didn't write them or direct them, but little pieces of the true "her" will, obviously, shine through, and i want to see that and study it.

i also think it's interesting that there have been other names i have always been drawn to, like david bowie's last name, bowie. and i have always LOVED art bell's name. and if i married rex bell, then, i would have had the name of clara bell, possibly, if i had taken it. and i have always loved the names anabelle and clarabelle.

clara had 2 sons and now i want to find out about them. maybe this is a reason i don't want children in this lifetime (especially sons)? ha! :)

anyway, it's very interesting to ponder this. and to read about her. and it makes my hair stand on end and it makes my eyes water!

and i can't find all the pix of me from when i was the age she was when she was in films. but i need to scan more of those so i can compare.

but here are a few pix of clara and a few of me, and some when she is with her husband, rex bell, and one with her 1st love, arthur jacobson, both look a lot like jason in different ways. it's not much, and i really need to show you the pix of me from my early twenties the most.

and my song "hollywood" could have been a song written about clara. truly freaky to me.

i also find it extremely hilarious that in a photo shoot once, marilyn monroe dressed up as clara bow, and then (if i am the reincarantion of clara), i dressed up as marilyn. and that madonna also loves clara, and i love madonna.

round and round and round we go :)

a huge difference between clara and i, tho, is that i have not read yet about any other artistic abilities she had. like drawing or any other such thing. and i can work with almost any media of art and have a great desire to do so.

but on almost everything else i have read in the short bios about her on the net, i can completely relate to her.

i'm still loooking up little facts about her. she was also about my height. i'm 5'2" and she was 5'3".
and she was known for having an "elfin" quality, and so am i.

i want to get a psychic reading by this guy:
http://home.earthlink.net/~kevinryerson/
he can do it over the phoen for a 90 minute reading, but it costs $275. but man, i want that!

"The more I see of men, the more I like dogs." ---clara bow

haha!