May 28th, 2004
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sheilding energy and grounding book?

i need someone to recommend to me a book on how i can shield myself from the energy of others when i go out. but also not to then shield EVERYthing out. and not shield so much that i then don't let any of my energy out to others. i cannot sem to figure out how to keep my heart open and let my energy go out to others, yet also protect myself from "energy vampires" and any incoming negative energies.
when i go out into crowds of people i soak it all up like a huge sponge and totally overload.
i either know how to let everything in and out. or let nothing get in and nothing get out. i'm not the greatest at filtering it, although i am getting a tiny bit better.
so, if anyone can recommend to me a really good and simple book on this, i'd really appreciate it :)

7:46pm

my friend s*** is threatening suicide again. so i called 911 on her and they went to the WRONG apartment. (she lives in NYC otherwise i'd go there myself)
jesus fucking christ. but they actually knocked on her door asking her where such and such apt was and she said there is no such apt. so they left. and now she hates my guts for calling 911 on her because she had a bong on her table and didn't want to get arrested. whatever. i hope i don't wake up tomorrow to find out she was successful in killing herself. but her x husband is on his way there now. so hopefully he can get her to a hospital where they can force her to take her medication for her bi-polar disorder she has. she has attempted suicide many times and almost died last time.

good fucking grief. i can't take this in. it bounces off of me.

bounce bounce bounce.

so now i either have a friend who is alive and hates my guts or another dead friend. yippee.

life is hard.

and so, i am going to jason's to unwind for a bit and step away from this soul sucking drama from hell.

in other news, i took the mp3s of my music off the site because i am over my storage limit and am paying too much $ a month to store them. so, i am going to transfer them over to jason's server and so they will be working again as soon as we find the time to do this....sometime after jason's sister's wedding which is this weekend.

 

 

4:04pm

ok that was good to write those things out. it unclogged me a bit and now i was able to take a bath and get all the grime off of me.
and now i can get to the store and buy some dog food and tp which i have been out of.

i hate when my extensions are all wet, tho. blech..

and then i think i can clean a bit and find the business cards of the guuys who photographed and videotaped my show so i can get in contact with them and get those!

and i must figure out what to sell within the next few days that i can come up with 965 rent money.

ya.

go me.

 

 

 

2:15pm

must take a bath and eat now. and then....i don't know...clean a bit?
i should get outside , it;s gorgeous and for the next several days it's supposed to rain (again).

2:14pm

my yahoo hat group

i had an old yahoo group that i made a long time ago for my text only ramblings. but i never use it anymore. i mostly just post to my anacam photo group when i do a mailing list thing about my cam and such.
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/anacam)

so, i've switched my voog one over to be just about my hats, so you can be updated when i finish a hat and have it for sale and such here:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/voog/

the thing is, i cannot get it out of the adult webcam category as much as i go into my management section and try to switch it over the the fine arts category. and i wonder why that is? so frustrating!

i also deleted all the messages i had in there, archived, so i could start anew. and even tho i have deleted them all, it's still showing up in the calendar that there are messages, but when you click on one, it will let you know that there are no messages. so weird. i don't know what is up with that either.

12:42am

i also realized , on an even deeper level, as i watched my models walk on the runway with my hats on,
that , as an artist, i've never "gone away" as some people think i have. like many of the people who i knew and interacted with when i was doing music all think i've "disappeared". and many ask me weekly, "when are you going to do music again?". and i had so much "validation" towards the end of my last era of my musical career (finally after over a decade of strugggling) that my music was indeed "valid" and that i had "made it" onto 2 major record labels, "made it" on to national and internation tv and radio and major magazines, and "made it" into one of the largest modern art museums in the world....(and the tv, radio, and museum being mostly about my cam not my music). that it is really hard to give up things that you are heavily validated for and then go in another direction again. like many people who used to watch my cam, now say "i've disapeeared", i've "gone away".
some people are tuned into only a certain frequency of what they like and what they prefer to be entertained by or moved by. when i went into music, all the people who knew me as "the girl who drawed and apinted" also thought i had "disappeared" and would ask me "when are you going to get back to your drawing?"
each time i take a new path, i leave behind these bewildered people who are only tuned in to one frequency, and so when i step out of that frequency and move into another spectrum, they feel i've disappeared. they can't see me anymore. like a person who is listening to only one radio frequency and when i move into the spectrum of FM ot AM or from full spectrum lighting to only UV lighting, they can't see me anymore.

and i carry this guilt around with me that i have let certain segments of my friends and fans down.
and i keep saying, ya ya , i will get back to that someday...don't worry (drawing, music, cam...), just hand on...i will draw again, paint again, make music again, la de da and on and on...and i WILL, i'm quite sure.

but i am really sick of carrying around this guilt and this shame every time i leave one frequency of art to go off into another frequency and then i have to go through this entire "you've disappeared and let us all down" mode over and over again with people.

it's not my fault and it's also not my obligation to explain to people all the fequencies there are on which to play.
and i'm not obligated or even ABLE to, i don't think, make them "see" these are frequencies. if they aren't tuned into them, then that means they just aren't ready to be able to be tuned into them yet. or that frequency is just not their cup of tea, which is perfectly understandable and reasonable, just as we all have colours we like and dislike, and there isn't much we can do about it, it is just that way.

but what i am sick of is that when i move from blue to orange, all the blue people guilt me out (most often unwittingly..because they don't KNOW i haven't actually disappeared i've just gne off to orange) and tell me that i've disappeared and i've let them down and when am i going to come back to blue?

and i carry this burden with me. and i'm tired of carrying it. and i've been working out trying to figure out a way to get it off of me for quite some time now. but it's hard to leave behind people who can't see you. and it's hard to leave behind all of that validation they gave you especially if you worked for years and years and years to get it.

and i hope i can create more of a network of friends and fans who follow what i do as an ARTIST in the FULL SPECTRUM of that meaning and not just as a painter, singer, guitar player, performance artist, photographer, person who makes hats....

i hope i can cultivate more people like that around me who are wanting to/able to enjoy the VAST array of all mediums of art and can see that they are all interconnected and one for me. and don't see my "careers" as little pieces of broken lines that have beginnings and endings. but as one big interconnected whole.
and that my drawing, music, photography, hats, etc etc etc...are all interconnected and not separate from each other.

but i guess i needed to see the interconnectedness of it all MYSELF at an even deeper level so i am able to visual and cultivate this more effectively around me.

i have never disappeared as an artist. i was always here, always working and playing continually. there are no broken lines in this.
and those who are ready and able and open to taste ALL the complex flavours i have to offer in my "cooking" will never see me disappear.

so hello to you out there who are able to see this and taste this.
i need more of you in my life!

it's funny, i ran into an old friend of mine at my hat show, and i was so happy to see him and he to see me.. he said he'd been looking for me all night long because he knew i was there. and said that the old music scene i was in wonders where i went to (hello, anacam.com?? 24/7 cam and journal and art?) because i'd just disappeared. and i asked him if he saw my hats, and he said "fuck your hats! i want to see YOU!", which i know he meant as some sort of compliment in his weird way. but if he would have FOLLOWED my hats, he WOULD have seen me.
and if they would have FOLLOWED my cam, then they would also still be seeing me. follow the trail of art i leave behind, and you will never lose sight of me! it's really quite simple. i couldn't possibly be more obvious about this, in my mind. i don't WANT to hang out with people who only want to see me in one way and in one way only, as much as i miss them. and i COMPLETELY understand if music is just the thing you are into and you are just not as much interested in photography or hats...that is totally understandable to me. but to keep telling me over and over that i have disappeared, well, it just irks me. and it's a lonely and frustrating feeling.

and i want to leave that lonely and frustrated feeling at the wayside now.

 

 

 

11:42am

i actually i had a rather cool dream that was not a nightmare finally. what a relief!

i dreamt i knew a girl from the royal family, although i didn't think of her as such until i got invited to go to dinner with the royal family. and then all the tradition kicked in and she had to bow a certain way and i looked my friend doing all of this that she had been brought up to do and it hit me how i hadn't even noticed or known about this side of her. i just viewed her as my "regular" friend. well, she was still regular, but she wasn't brought up in a regular way, that is to be sure. and we were having dinner in this great hall with many people. i tried to hold her hand but she said that was forbidden at events like this. holding hands was too informal. and i made a joke that if she had been brought up lutheran, everyone would be holding hands all the time because we are very "huggy" people.

i could see the queen and even the queen mum at the dinner and wished i had my camera so i could prove i was here. but then realized if i had brought mine, that probably would have been confinscated.

i think this dream may be about the upcoming wedding of jason's sister this weekend. because now i remember i was eating chicken with cherry sauce, which is what i picked to eat at the wedding dinner. we had the choice of chicken or a vegetarian pasta thing. and i also had a similiar choice in this dream at this royal dinner.

after dinner, some of us had the choice of going for an art history lesson. we were crammed very tightly on uncomfortable chairs at some rich woman's house. it was all very traditional and some woman was giving a lecture on some sort of art that i found really boring. i thought to myself, i learn by doing and seeing and touching, not by just listening to a lecture about it.

this guy handed me a book and i looked at it while the woman gave the lecture.
the book contained a collection of art and arty things and interior decorating by this cool old woman.
it was very southwest but very future. the cover was a photo of baskets and shells and rocks and sand.
then, i was also at this other woman's house, too, as i looked in the book. the woman was very old and you could see the blue veins in her face. her hair was as white as her skin and she had it all up and then tucked into this massive very garish hat. and it seemed she had even painted in blue veins into her hair so her veins looked like they flowed from her face into her hair. it looked rather gross but also rather cool. i couldn't decide if i liked it or not, but i thought it was courageous and inventive.

she had on a long dress of many colours that looked very african.

her house was one big open room painted in that very southwestern adobe earthy salmon colour.
the lighting was very pleasant. she arranged things on shelves in a very minimalistic way, yet the room had plants in it and so much other stuff, and that with the colour of the walls and the nice lighting, the room didn't feel like a cold minimalistic room, but very warm and inviting.

she had one shelf in particular that i loved. she had set HUGE onions in baskets. i mean, just ONE onion in one basket, but the onion was ENORMOUS. as huge as a globe of the world. and all it's layers were peeling in a gorgeous texturey way and the roots were peeking out. she had 2 of these gigantic onions in baskets. i'd never seen such an enormous onion in my life! she also had potatoes displayed in this way. potatoes with intricate roots spilling forth like the nuttiest most intricate textury sculpture ever.

in my dream, i had never thought of onions and potatoes as being on par with the greatest sculptures one could ever imagine. i had never seen any so large before, either. and the way they were displayed in this minimalistic way, so beautifully, made me want to cry. and it made me realize in an even deeper way how much i loved earth and it's simple earthly things like potatoes and onions. what a gorgeous , miraculous, wonderous, magical planet earth was with it's vast array of delightful treasures, even underneath its soil where we couldn't see.

and i saw the onions as globes of the earth. and it made me want to cry so deeply because i loved and missed the earth so much and wanted to connect with it and enjoy it in the way this old woman obviously had. i saw a basket on the floor with many smaller onions that had the geography of the earth on them. as if to symbolize there are many many earths like "layers of the onion".

and then i was yanked back into the reality of the room that i was REALLY sitting in, which was this traditional home that was uncomfortable. and the woman had stopped lecturing for a moment to irritatingly call on me and ask me if i was paying attention to her or something else. and i said frankly, i am thinking about what you are saying, but i am also thinking about something else. i am in two places at once. and she asked if i'd like to "share it with the class" as to where this second place was. and no, i didn't at all feel like sharing it with her or explaining it to her, so i just said simply "it's personal" and left it at that.

i'm quite sure that the old woman in this book represents me , in the future.
or what i wish for myself, in the future. that my future self has already been symbolically documented in a book,
i am thinking that means that it really is already happening somewhere. that future life of me is happening actually now, and even has already ended, since it's in a book already.

(my belief that everything that has ever happened, is happening, and will happen, is all happening now, since all time is now, etc etc)

now maybe since i have seen a glimpse of it i can hold on to that vision and have more of a thread to hold on to and guide me to that place.

and now i want to crochet a hat that is shaped like a potato with roots spilling forth from it.

 

1:00am

abstracts