May 21st, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

6:08pm

i really made a LOT of progress today. i am cooking with gas.
hats are coming together in strange and serendipitious ways.
still so much work to do, tho. i'm taking pix of my progress but haven't had time to get them up here.

acid is eating away my stomache. i need soup and beer.

tomorrow is jason's graduation day! i'll be bringing my crocheting along! u betcha!

i keep having arguments in my head with the male models i've chosen. i see them wincing and not wanting to be made up into gay cyber punks. but that is just the way it is going to have to be. so, i hope i didn't pick a bunch of too macho of football player types. please god, let my male models be gay. let them be super ultra gay and do my hats metrosexual justice.

 

1:47pm

ok, i have finished my fave hat so far.
it looks like a giant faerie dreadlock hat. i wish i could show it to sonia, she would have LOVED it. i wish i could see her big smile as she would see this hat. and she'd say "yo, woman child, you have to have an art show at hairpolice!" and i'd say "ya ya ya, i know...someday...."
but i can imagine it, and so that will have to suffice.
i'm sure she would have wanted it and we would have traded that hat for her doing my hair.

yesterday when jason was cleaning out his car, we found sonia's address and phone # written down on a piece of paper from the last time he drove me to her house to get my hair done. the last time i saw her.

i did delete her username from ana2 the other day.

little bits of her getting sorted and filed.

11:40am

it's cold and rainy today.

 

6:18am

ok, i guess i'll try to go back to sleep now.
although i am very scared because of what i may dream. :(

5:50am

sun's coming up.
listening to nick drake.
was in the bathroom feeling like i had stomache cancer and my insides were burning and coming out of me.

why am i such a freak about playing live? it's not even ME playing live this time. it's actually worse because my fate is in the hands of all these people i have never even MET yet. at least if it was just me i would know what to expect.

why am i so insecure about this? why can't i just let it go? what is really so godamn terrifying about being judged by a few hundred people? a few thousand? i don't know. what is the worst thing that could happen? they hate my hats? they grow bored? what? they all write about me in the papers the next day letting everyone know i am up to no good and i am wasting my life? what the fuck? do i really think that is going to happen? what is the deal with me? what it is about orchestrating a live performance that is so damn terrifying to me? why can't i just stop being so scared? get control of myself and my body? what is my fucking problem? and do i even want to WONDER about it for a second more?

i'm so sick of pushing myself into areas that cause me stress and terrify me just so that i can get my art out to more people so i can make a living. i HATE playing live. i always have. i've always been terrified of it. it never gets any better with time.

i'm so disappointed and bewildered at myself.

 

4:28am

i just had the scariest nightmare.
i had moved inot a new apartment that was known to be haunted. the # of the apt was 306 which was actually an old apartent # of mine, i think. i was living there with carolyn and renee from my band. i was trying to go to sleep, i think, and all of a sudden the room felt very dense and surreal. like i was about to pass out or on heavy drugs. i called out to renee and carolyn who had gone inot separate rooms and closed the doors, but when i called out to them no one answered and so i knew something was horribly wrong because there is no way they could not have heard me. i felt like here was maybe the presence of a little girl who was evil there but i couldn't see her. i had only heard about her. i thought maybe i saw shadows of things but i just coudn't tell. it was hard to move to get to the door. but through the denseness i managed to make it out inot the aprtment halllways where i then banged on every door for help and screamed for help. a kind looking rocker/punk guy came out and i was so happy it was someone who wasn't completely "normal" so maybe he would not think i was as weird for being in the predicament i was in.
i started to explain it to him, then renee and carolyn got out of the partment , too. we all tried to say our stories about what had happened at once very excitedly so no one could understand what we were saying. but i knew they had experienced the same thing. except in the room carolyn was in, she said she was completely engulfed in flames.
then carolyn and renee were getting ready to leave. renee was going to take carolyn home. i wanted to go with them and go home, too, although i couldn't even think of where home was or even if i had anywhere i could go. i thought maybe i'd be ok staying with the punk guy but then his roomate started turning dark blue. his roomate passed on in my hands and no one was worried. they said he did this all the time because he was a junkie.
i then thought, fuck, then all these punks must be junkies and there is no way then i am letting them inot my haunted apartment to grab a few of my things so i can leave becaue they will see my expensive mysical equipment and steal it later.
but i have to get into that apartment and get pooka, deiter, and sebastian.
and carolyn has a cat there. carolyn says they had plenty of food and water for a few days alone, but there is no way i'm going to leave my dogs behind in that horrible place. i know i have to go back in there but i have to alone.
i go back in and try to find the leashes for the dogs and get the dogs. i see my dogs so happy to see me. but the room feels dense again and i am so scared of everything in there. i unplug the tv and the radio because there is this very haunting music coming from somewhere and i don't know where from. maybe i can just hear it through the vents of the partment buildng. the density and heaviness of the room is hard to move through. i feel myself getting sucked back down. i struggle to stay aware..

and then i have sleep paralysis where i struggle with all my might to wake from because i know i have to get out of that aprtment..

when i wake up i am so glad to find out that i am NOT in that apartment but am actually here. although now i feel completely wigged out again and i'm scared to go back to sleep.

so, i've turned on all my lights and turned on music and i guess i'll just try to sleep that way. or not sleep. i dont know. but i'm notr going t sleep with the lights off. i hope the sun comes up soon. it's 4:48am now.
i don't feel like checking this for typos.

i'm so creeped out. and i'm so tired of nightmares.
i hate this. when i'm awake it feels like my insides are being crushed by meat grinders and when i'm asleep i have horrible nightmares.