May 10th, 2004
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10:39pm

it sucks too that jason is studying for his very final final exam. and so, i miss him and feel a bit more lost than usual that way, too. but it will all be ok soon. we both just have to make it through this week.

everyone i know is going through a hard time lately.

i emailed my server to ask them why i can't get my email. jason tried to figure it out, too.
i hope they get back t me soon because i have not been able to check my webmaster email for 3 days.

 

8:46pm

holy cow, i need to find some motivation somewhere. the days are just passing one by one so quickly and i am getting nothing done about the hats for my show. i made a paper calendar for this month to stick on my wall to make this show more real to me and make me see how close it is. i seriously have to work maybe 10 hours a day on this every day until the 25th to get this done now. and there are days i won't be able to do much because jason is graduating and a bunch of stuff like that. i am so glad that his sister's wedding is AFTER my show.

i am pissed at myself for not motivating myself more. but there has been just SO much going on emotionally and physically these last few months. augh. but is that any excuse? i don't know. i think i definitely could have pushed myself a LITTLE bit harder. but i have either just been so drained or so hyper that my concentration for anything is at absolute zero.

but i've GOT to find a way get my focus back. i have just GOT to. there is no other possibility.

and i am really drained about this whole money issue and i look around my house and just go what do i sell??
and how do i find the energy to sell it? to take the photos and put it up and find boxes and mail it.. that is a full time job in and of itself right there. and if i do that, i will not be able to make my hats.

so i am just going to have to pray to the universe that i will sell ALL the hats that i make for this show if i am going to be able t survive this month. and i still have to pay my phone and my server bill, too. and now it's already the middle of the month again and those bills will just be getting bigger.

i'm very stressed out about this. and this drains me and then works against me in that i slip even further down this hole. i'm feeling myself slipping into a negative vortex of zero energy.

and i am fighting it tooth and nail not to. and i am just trying to be as mellow as possible and to love myself and not beat myself up about this because i know that only makes it worse.

 

 

7:12pm

 

6:55pm

baking my chicken. i put everything in a big pot in the oven. had some beef so i stuffed it with that and added big cloves of garlic and 2 apples and balti seasoning. YUM! cooking makes me happy. i can't wait until someday i have a real and big kitchen (i hope!) and can really let me artistic side out in this area , too!

like the things they make on iron chef just make my imagination and taste sensations spin round and rond! i want to TASTE what it is they make! i want to know what all these tastes and combination of tastes are. i don't want t die never having tasted these things.

5:31pm

putting out fires in photocontest. some ASS had the nerve to tell a good friend of mine that her photo was "unattractive" when the theme is "what i don't show" and she chose to enter a very emotional and moving piece about her birth defected feet. well, i just went off on him. because i will not stand for shit like that.

grrrrrrr times infinity.

i a SO TIRED. i could go right back to bed again right now. but i HAVE to find some energy from SOMEWHERE to crochet. i have to.

i out some dishes in the dishwasher so i could have this pan i need to cook some chicken tonight.
i'm trying to keep going with things at the most basic level, like getting laundry and dishes done. and eating and taking a bath and making sure the dogs are fed and happy and loved. i need to take out some garbage now.

i'm trying really hard not to get too emtional and sucked in to this whole iraqi prisoner torture thing because i can't deal with something that vile and evil right now without imploding or exploding. i just saw some of the photos for the 1st time today and it breaks my heart. i have to not pay attention to it as much as possible just for my own sanity. but i am not surprised by any of it. of course that stuff goes on. and of course it's been going on forever. not just with this war, but america tortures people all over the world every day. it's ridiculous to think this is something new that has happened and will actually be stopped.

i mean, america brought over a lot the nazi tortures and gave them sanctuary, for one thing.
blahty blah blah blah.

can't take it in. too much.

ok, off to get a bit more cleaning done, have some caffeine, and try to crochet without falling asleep.

 

11:30am

if any of you have sent me an email to the webmaster email in the past 3 days, i have not received it yet because for some reason, i cannot get into my mail! it keeps saying my password is wrong, and it's not, so i am confused. and i cannot download any of my email! grrr.

also, since my computer got shut off yesterday my monitor is flickering at a rate that hurts my eyes.
there is just something "off" about my monitor now.

i need to get just a couple more hours of sleep now since i only got 2 hours so far.

 

10:09am

got up at 9 to call the electric co. i still have through tomorrow to pay them.
i have the $ in there right now, but there are still a few other tings i am waiting to clear to make SURE i have that much $ in there. and so, i hope that one more day will make these things clear so i can know for certain what is actually going to be in there when the electric co takes their $. i wish i just had $56.00 in cash that i could take to the bank today. then i think i would feel comfortable paying it. argh. this sucks. i just don't want things to bounce again. no way, jose. i'd rather have my electricity shut off than for anything to bounce. even tho getting electricity turned back on would cost just as much and take days. it sucks so much that only $56 less in my life and screw with me in this way. i remember decades of living like this and it sure is no fun to be back here. but oh well. i've lived through a heck of a lot worse than this. this is nothing really.

4:26am

more thoughts on tattoos

i don't understand why tattoos are permanent.
if we are constantly always shedding and renewing our skin, if layers of skin that were once on the bottom move to the surface and then are sloughed off, why is it that tattoo ink keeps staying underneath our skin forever? and the same with scars, too...especially really tiny scars. you'd think that they would just go away at some point because of the skin renewing itself. in fact, we all have an entirely brand new body every 7 years. some parts of our body renew themselves faster than in other parts. it makes more sense to me why we do not grow a new limb if it gets chopped off (SORT of, although actually scientists have never really understood why this is so. salamanders can grow new limbs, for instance..and i have heard recently that some scientists are just starting to figure out why and that at some point in the future they may figure out how to trigger this ability in humans, too).
but a tattoo or a tiny scar? or ESPECIALLY a tattoo. why does it stay underneath the skin forever and never go away? the body ALWAYS wants to push out foreign substances...piercings, poisons....why not tattoos?

i had my 1st 10 second long miniature minor anxiety attack about my tattoo last night. for just a few seconds i could remember what wrist looked like "au natural", and looked at my tattoo and went "ohmigod i will never see my wrist "au natural" again! and for a brief passing of time i felt a bit freaked. not that i regret what i did at all. just about every 10 minutes i feel like posting here, "i love my tattoo!". but i don't because that would get rather tiresome for all of you to read every 10 minutes :) still, i wonder if that is normal to just have these little passing thoughts of "my god, what have i done?" when they get a tattoo. i'm going to assume, from what i know of human nature, that this is actually a more normal thing than most people realize and want to admit. i mean, the "tattoo world"/"tattoo culture" would be SO against ever even acknowledging that could even exist. because for 1. acknowledging that you are not 100% positive about your body modification 100% of the time is SO not "rock and roll" or "punk" or "tribal" or whatever culture you feel you most identify with. because if you say even for one millisecond you regret what you did then maybe you aren't "real" or "hardcore" enough. to regret makes you a "poseur".
and 2. SO many people ask you if you regret what you did and if you contemplated that would be on your body permanently that you feel hostile if anyone brings that up because it insults your intelligence and who you are and your validity (this has happened to me only once with my tattoo so far but it has happened to me in so many other areas in my life and i have seen it happen to other people around me that i see it coming a mile away).

anyway, i love my tattoo and i am 99.9% positive , within this moment, that i will love it forever and never regret it. but i also knew BEFORE i got the tattoo (because i contemplated getting a tattoo for many decades and every aspect of it as i do with almost everything) that i would also have moments where would go "holy shit, this thing is going to be on my wrist for the rest of my life! i sure hope i made a good decision here!". and so knowing that would happen eventually, it was interesting for me to have that 1st experience of that.

and i wonder if i will go through many layers of understanding this tattoo and why i got it as i change and grow as a person. as of course i will. as i do with everything?

one thing that helped me make the decision to get a tattoo someday was when i heard several people talk about how the tattoos were markers of certain times in their life. whereas before i had heard that, i had thought of a tattoo as a symbol to show the world "THIS is who i am". and since i am constantly changing, what could EVER be THEE definitive tattoo that would express who i am? there is no definitive symbol for me that could express who i am forever.

and i never felt any huge need to mark my body as i went through any sort of "rite of passage" before. (although getting my nipples pierced was a rite of passage for me).

and as i got older, i felt even less of a need to have to do anything physical to my body to "prove" to anyone who i was. in fact, i even got to the point where i had such a knowledge and secureness in myself and who i was that i felt no need to even look different from anyone in any way.

but i must strongly interject here that by my wanting/needing to "look different" than "normal people" was not purely motivated by wanting to stand out in any way, as most people assume that is the reason (that you do it for attention) it was just my sould NEED/urge to express itself in needing to LOOK how i FELT inside. and i am , indeed, i am always happiest when the way i look reflects (as much as possible) how i feel inside for ME.
and this is an urge/need that seems to not be very important to MOST people on this planet as MOST people have expressed to me that they do not understand why i would want to "look like that".
now i am secure enough in myself that i do not NEED to look different than "normal" people in order to KNOW for certain that "i am me".
my identity is not AS wrapped up in my physical look as it once was...i think this is part of growing older...as one ages (or get more spiritually aware) you realize more and more that the physical isn't really YOU (yet it IS you just as much, too). just as everythingness is nothingness and vice versa). and so you learn to detach because you are forced to detach as you age.

ok, i may seen that i am really flying off the track here, as i always do, because my brain cannot talk about one little thing without talking about EVERYTHING that one little thing is connected to. i hope you can see that.

and i still haven't touched upon 97% of what my brain thought/all the connections it made as i typed this. but now i am getting sleepy and cannot type any more or explain any more. so i hope this makes sense to someone.

anyway, i guess what i am trying to say, in a nutshell, is that getting this tattoo, for me, is mutlilayered times infinity. the reasons for it, the emotional, the spiritual, and just the ordinary physical. it makes me wonder about so many things. and i wonder what it will trigger in me to wonder as each year passes? and i'm saying that i am prepared (or at least i think i am) to love this new piece of me, and to also grow bored and tired of looking at it, and then also to see it in a new perspectives with each passing year. and i am prepared to feel like wanting to chop it off my body, or to add to it and make it even bigger. and maybe both simultaneously.

it's weird and cool to think about.

and i've wonderered why i felt such an extreme urge to tattoo a permanent mark on my body to sonia, besides the obvious fact that she was the closest person to me that has died yet and i loved her very much. because i've wondered if my mom or dad die, will i get a tattoo on my body to memorialize them? and i think maybe, but i cannot really know until i cross that bridge. but i think maybe no. and i have wondered why that would be. and i think it is because i am SECURE in the fact that they are my mom and dad and we are already physically linked by our DNA that i do not need another physical reminder to make me feel secure in the fact that we are linked. i mean, all i have to do is look in the mirror and i see them.
but with sonia, i don't have that. i don't share her DNA. so i needed some other physical marker system to reassure me that we would always be linked in some way.

ok, too tired to write more. but those are just some more of my thoughts on this tattoo subject which has been on my mind just about every single second of the day since i got one because it's impossible NOT to think about since it itches and it on a place on my body that is highly visible to me.