May 8th, 2004
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6:16pm

HUGE long GREAT day of spinning and wool and yarn and llammas with fuzzybumblebee.
i will write later but now i am much much much too tired.

1am to 4am

are tattoos like pringles?

how can it be that tattoos hurt SO FREAKING MUCH. like a knife carving into my arm. i couldn't wait for it to be done. it made me cry. and now i can't wait to get another one.
why is that?

ok hours have passed and i am still adding on to this:
(no, i don't think it could be endorphins, for me, because i i felt no euphoria from it, and i don't "get off" on pain....except spanking...that can be rather nice :)

i think it is 2 things:
1. i am feeling sad that my sonia tattoo is starting to heal...and even tho i wanted it to heal because i want to see the finished result, i am still not ready for it to be "over with"... the process. i don't think the process of a loved one is ever "over with" i think it just goes through different layers through time.
i think part of me thinks my sonia tattoo never deserves to heal, because to heal represents sort of.... that i have healed/forgotten the pain of that. which is bullshit really. and sonia would be the 1st to call me on that and be the 1st to understand it , as well. and now i will make this post friend's only as i have been crying for a long time before i could type this next sentnece.

ok, much time has passed more i don't know how much.
i'm trying to type out one sentence and the sentence is this...

"my body can heal...but sonia's cannot".
that is the one stupid sentence i have been trying to get out for hours inbetween gutteral sobs.
it lays in the ground getting grayer or whatever colour bodies turn.

she is far better off then i.
she is probably ecstatic somewhere. doing her thing and feeling things i cannot even imagine.

and what, i am feeling sorry for HER? i am feeling sorry for ME.
it's so confusing.

i am summarizing this times a million because it has taken me so long just to have the strength to even type THIS much. these pathetic stupid words.

stupid stupid fucking words.

and it really makes no sense to me. i have had both my grandpa and grandma on both sides die and other people but nothing has affected me in this way.
and even tho i selfishly wished sonia would stop by and say goodbye or give me some sort of dream symbol that she was ok instead of the nightmares i have had instead that i have been explaining in ana2....who should tell me he was dying before he died but my grandpa olson who was the grandparent i spoke the LEAST to. and then i helped him die in my "dreams" and then he visited me after he was dead in my dreams all happy that he could put chairs on the ceiling. (i don't know if you followed that..it's the best i can do right now)

i don't know. because he visited me in my dreams and i was the one he came to at the end even tho we never spoke much in "real life". it made sense he came to me. but i sure would have never expected it in a million years. and i didn't expect sonia to visit me either because she had so much family around the world and REAL family that needed her more.

but i just realized i'm having trouble dealing with the fact that my tattoo is healing. but i'm also smart enough to realize it has to.

i'm crying all the emotion i sucked up the night i got it. i needed to bawl my guts out about this that night but i didn't. maybe i would have also bawled my guts out tonight anyway.

it makes no sense, logically, that i cry this much about my hair dresser that i knew for only a few years and didn't even see that often. but THAT is the testament to how great a being she was/IS.
is is is!!!

and it makes no sense that it was my grandpa who visited me out of all the relatives he could have.

and it makes no logical sense that i cry more about her that about my grandpa although i look forward equally to see them when i die, if i should be so lucky...

and the SECOND reason i would like to get more tattoos is cause i'm 38 and WHY NOT NOW?

i'm might add to this or delete this altogether.
i really need to proofread this and say it better....
arrrrrgh..........

and it's a fucking shame i feel the neede to make this post friends only now.
fucking fuck.

i need to sleep now, i have to go with my friend fuzzybumblebee to our intermediate spinning class tomorrrow. llammas and sheep and wool!
i will need lots of coffee tomorrow.
and i love my little fuzzybumblebee.
she is a good egg.

over 4am now....