May 5th, 2004
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7:39pm

we are leaving at 8pm now. so get to watch american idol at home. yippee :)

5:51pm

i'm so tired. i went walking everywhere and all i ate was a piece of string cheese. but i'm not hungry. i'm just so tired.

even tho i am pissed at my mom i decided to get her some mom's day presents. just little stuff.
if i don't i will probably never hear the end of it and i don't need another thing for my mom to be pissed at me about.

bought some toothpaste and new toothbrushes. and some more elastics for my hair to put in ponytails because all of mine keep disappearing, who knows to where.

i got both my watches new batteries. and then realized i cannot wear either of them until my tattoo heals. and you know those little metal dots that are on some watches that signify the numbers? one of mine is missing one. it fell out...or something. but who knows where that went either since a watch is a completely sealed thing. the guy looked it it in his microscope and could not find it. it is a mystery. there is no way it could have escaped. there is a wormhole or vortex in one of my watches. i'll have to call coast to coast about it.

then i tried to go renew my state ID since it expired a few weeks ago. but the place i could walk to is no more! and the closest one now is NOT within walking distance. BIG FUCKING DRAG.

i need to eat SOMETHING. i just have to stay up for a few more hours and then i can sleep.
fuzzybumblebee comes to get me around 7pm. i hope they let me watch american idol over there cause i have to see who gets kicked off tonight!

called wendy at hairpolice to see if she could do my hair for my show but she is leaving for italy and so she is going to ask one of her friends if she could do it. *crosses fingers intensely*.

so much so much so much...

i will try to find something to eat now. maybe another piece of string cheese, but that sounds really unappealing to me.

i can't wait until i am in bed with my dogs.

 

 

2:38pm

i'm feeling more normal now. just tired. maybe the dream was just me being stressed out. god, i must be more stressed out than i even know or something. anyway. i'm ok. dealing fine. just very tired but hyper at the same time.
that was the creepiest and most disturbing set of dreams i have had in some time.

i'm doing the juggling of bills thang. i'll think i'll make it by the skin of my teeth again. *whew*

calling everything to make sure nothing is going to get shut off. all that incense i bought yesterday is my birthday present, tho, from those of you who bought gift memberships so that i could buy that steel yarn. but the place called me and told me they are OUT of that yarn :( rrrrrr. bummer.

so...i bought that incense which makes me VERY VERY happy. and some rose oil to wear. and some orange mohair from pluckyfluff that i will make my birthday hat from. so i will still get a birthday hat.

ok...breathe breathe breathe....

almost ready to get outside and get to the bank. going for a walk will be good for me.

it's very windy out today. it adds to the nervousness of the day.

another clue that i am stressed out is that every time i brush my teeth i almost throw up, seriously.
having the toothbrush in my mouth even a little bit just makes me gag. i have to brush my teeth in little bits and then just stop and breathe to stop gagging and then just keep going like that until i am done brushing my teeth. it's seriously a huge drag!!! augh.

oh and i DID finally receive my xanax from that drugs-one.com place.
so there you have it. it arrived from india!

as nervous as i am and want to take it every day (every hour), i must not do that as to not get addicted to it, which is so easy to do. but fuck, i am SO nervous these days. good grief.

 

1:32pm

ok, nope. opted not to sleep. fuck it.
just going to get going with my day. get to the bank and deposit cheques so i can pay rent.

then at 7pm we go look at photos of the models and choose who we want. how odd. and i have to get back to this choreography guy and tell him i don't need any choreography for my models. but i think i will have them throw candy into audience because bribing people with candy is always a good thing :)

and i think i may get to have some of the make up i want since i am on during the end of the evening, so if i do some extreme make up on them, i don't have to worry about them all having to get it off for the next designer and what they may want.

finding this out and getting these dresses today is such a load off my mind.

12:57pm

ok, one last try to get on 1 or 2 hours of sleep....
wish me luck...i hope i don't run into some serial killer clown in my dream.
gah.

12:12pm

god, i keep having these terrible terrible nightmares and sleep paralysis.

in my dream i wake up and the bathroom pipes have burst. and water is everywhere. i have to call the landlord but i pick up the phone and it's my mom who i am actaully relieved to hear from because i am so distraught. i try to telll her of what is going on and i'm crying. all of a sudden my mom is gone and it's some guy i do not know who says he knows my mom. he says he is making an album with her and i say my mom isn't making an album who is this? i get really creeped out. i say who are you and how did you get my number? he won't say. i hang up on him. the phone rings again and i say mom is it you? and some other guy, a different one , goes, oh i am sorry i was trying to call your brother is this ana? and i say yes. and then i say how did you get my number? i hang up on him. i'm freaked out completely. all of a sudden some woman i do not know walks into my house and sees me crying. and i yell at her that she is in my house. then i realize i'm not in my house but i've wandered into the hall and i apologize. i try to go back to sleep. and all of a sudden there is a little blonde boy in my room who is trying to touch my skin and tell me my skin is soft. and he tries to touch my breast. i reach out to touch his hair but it feels like plastic and i wonder, am i sleeping and i'm just touching one of my dogs or a doll? the boy is still there in the bed with me trying to touch me. i say "you don't exist!" and he smiles and says "i don't know how NOT to exist" which REALLY creeps me out. i now realize i have to wake up. but it's like i have to wake up twice and get out of sleep paralysis twice, once in my dream and then once in real life. that answer scared me to the core. like something from "the shining" . argh. *hair stands on end*

fuck. this is really weird and unusual for me. there is something about these dreams that is weirder and realer than most times.

i know i sound crazy, but i really feel like some "thing" is getting into my dreams and making me have them rather than just my normal nightmares that have meaning and are coming from my subconscious.

i know that sounds really insane to say that. but that is exactly how this feels. i can't explain it any better than that.

and the fact that there is this "thing" in my dreams trying to trick me into thinking they are something benign. like they are my boyfriend, a friend of my mother's a friend of my brothers', a little cute blonde boy.

but they all are one and the same and have the same exact energy. and all of these characters are trying to trick me into trusting it and it wants to touch me or get inside me in some way.

i know i am sounding psychotic. this is almost like the dreams i was having when i had paxil withdrawal and it was like dante's nightmare. but with those i was just in hell. there wasn't a "thing" in there like this. but i'm NOT withdrawing from any drug.

but it's like paxil withdrawal in the fact that as i am writing this i know sound like some sort of paranoid schizophrenic.

augh.

but i know what i feel. and that is that.

i can see where these dreams are also symbolic of my life and how i feel very invaded, too.
so i can see where that is may be all that there is to this.

but there is another added element to this that feels completely different than other dreams. i've had evil things in my dreams trying to get me before. trying to murder me and all sorts of stuff. so, that is nothing new to me.

but this feels different. this isn't my subconscious working with me and showing me my fears so i can work through it.

this is someTHING that is playing with my fears to fuck with me.

i know i sound nuts. but those that get the metaphysical aspect of this will get this. and those that don't will just have to think i've gone off the deep end.

anyway, i give up on sleeping for now. maybe getting outside and walking will shake this thing off of me.

i think i have some frankicnse. i'm gonna burn a crapload of it now and blast music.

take a bath. try to think this through clearly. skim that robert bruce book again.

god, i am truly creeped out.

and i'm so tired and need sleep.

ok, maybe i will try one last time to get sleep.
just 2 hours at LEAST.

 

 

 

9:56am

what typed to jason in a chat thing when i woke up after nightmares just now...i was so weirded out by my nightmares i had to get u and walk around and shake them off. so creepy because i really felt something touch me and that woke me up. YUCK!:

i keep having horrible dreams about evil spirits trying to possess me
i wish you were here to hug me
ya it's creeping me out
like those dreams u have that are kind of also awake dreams
like i think you are here or someone is in the room with me
and i wake up because they touch me
and i think it's real then wake and see no one, obviously
i'm playing the cocteau twins and burning "purification incense now
i'm so creeped out
i was listening to a kind of creepy c2c before i went to bed
but i do that a lot
and i have never had this
augh
god i am so tired
i'm pissed i was up late but i was hyper
and now i am afraid to go back to bed
i know this sounds irrational but i feel like there is an evil spirit who is trying to pretend to be you in my 1/2 dreams
to just fuck with me
in my dream i realized it wasn't you and i tried to run for the door to get out when i realized it was an evil spirit
and then i felt like i was drugged and couldn't get to the door
like sleep paralyzation
i know i listen to scary c2c all the time
it wasn't THAT scary of c2c actually
i'll be ok i'm just a little freaked
it was so real
i felt it touch me
like in the space before you fall asleep
i felt something touch me and it felt real
like not a dream
blech
anyway, by that deflecting evil spirits book by robert bruce
psychic self defense
i guess (evil spirits) they hate happy music
so
i will just play cocteau twins now
majorily weirded out
rrrrr
sorry
oh i'm not going until 7
so cool
so can u wake me up at 3:30pm?
thanks

 

5:03am

piercing ear cartilidge

it really hurts to pierce the parts of the ear that have cartilidge in it, doesn't it? and what if i wanted to pierce it with something about 4 times the width of a normal earring? would i just go about piercing it wider like that right away? or would i stretch it bit by bit? i'm thinking it would be best to just get it over and done with by getting it done as thick as i want it right away.
i'm not sure what the gauge that would be on something that is 4 times wider than the average earring. i wouldn't want it any wider than just that, i don't think.

and i'm also looking for someone who cam make me custom body jewelry. if anyone knows of people who do this in the twin cities area, let me know :)

i'm going to draw some pix of what i want done and i'll get them up in here soon :)

totally unrelated , i'm looking for a place online to buy some rose water for cooking , and i'm having trouble finding that. so, once again, if you know a good online source, let know now. i've never bought rose water for cooking before so i am rather clueless when it comes to that.

3:33am