May 3rd, 2004
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8:47pm

it's SO wonderful so lay in my bed with my dogs and feel NO intense emotion whatsoever. no grief no anger.
just mellowness. i'm not analyzing anything or thinking about anything.
it's WONDERFUL! i don't feel like crying or screaming or fighting or just anything.

it's such a relief.

i need to feel this more often.

now if jason would just come over here and serve me scrambled eggs, life would be perfect heaven :)

i don't even care right now that my house is a disaster area.

8:06pm

i made one of those icon thingies everyone is making in lj.

here is what a look like:

here is what i want to look like:

6:59pm

feeling better , all is well. had a little full moon pms freak out session there.
not that i don't have a lot to be genuinely pissed about. but my god, i'm so BORED of being angry, i simply can't be today.

i'm just trying to get caught up with hosue chores. i'm so behind. and i didn't go to bned until 1pm or somehintg. so tonight i am going to bed EARLY!

tomorrow i have to get to the bank to pay rent.

and it's 20 days until my hat show so i really have to crack the whip on myself and finish those hats!!!
my oh my.

my heart is just not in it, but maybe once i make myself do it, i will get back into the fun of it.

i LOVE my tattoo. it's all scabbed over now and looks very dark burgundy, not the brighter red it was.
but that is just because of the scabbing.

it hasn't gotten to the itching phase yet.

american idol is on now. thank god. i need some happy lighthearted mindless fluff to watch!

 

 

10:28am

tomorrow is a lunar elcipse.

i think i have pms.

i need salt.

just give me a salt lick and let me cry salty tears in the corner.

moo.

please get the bilbo baggins song that leonard nemoy sings out of my head.

my boyfriend is evil.
just when i finally forget it that song, he reminds me of it again so i can share in his pain.

 

9:30am

my god i'm still up.

here is something i wrote in my journal to the asshats:

illusions and asshats

i just want to say that i realize i only talk about myself in my journal, most often and most logically. and so it may seem that i am completely self absorbed (i am a double aries with leo rising, afterall).

but i'd just like to point out a fact that many of you do not know, and that is that most of my friends and family do not WANT to be talked about. and so, by default, i have nothing left that i CAN say except to talk about things that are about me and affect me and only me.

i wonder if most (who are cruel to me) have ever even thought about that factor?
there are TRUCKLOADS of things i could say that have nothing to do about me whatsoever (except for the fact that they would be my friends and family). but out of respect and love for them i say nothing or basically nothing.

there is LOTS going on with my life and other's lives that none of you know anything about. i WISH i could talk about it all, because i think all of it is absolutely fascinating and worthy of being written down. but i'm not going to say it. because my respect for other people's feelings means more to me than writing (99.999% of the time...i won't compromise who *I* am).

and so, if it seems to people that i talk about NOTHING other than myself, that is because i CAN'T and WON'T talk about anything other that myself.

unless i can be sure that: #1 there is no way in a billion years you could figure out who i am talking about and that person would never on 5,000 trillion years ever find my journal and read it (for example, a bus driver from mississippi who has no internet connection and doesn't know who i am) or #2 the person is dead and i also know they would not mind or #3 they give me permission.

and even with #2, there are STILL things i could say about people who are dead but i will NEVER do it, EVER. some things i take to the grave with me, as well.

i am a loyal person to the core.

but you know, if it seems that i am only writing about MY grieving process, well, it's because i AM only writing about that mostly. duh. because it's not in my jurisdiction to write about anyone else's grieving processes, out of respect for them. i'm not having some goddamn competition over who is grieving the most. there ARE MANY people who are grieving FAR deeper than i am, of COURSE!!! my god, some people are grieving so much it makes my sadness look an inch tall in comparison, if you want to ridiculously and disgustingly project some sort of grief pissing match about this onto me. i am not the "queen of grief". i acknowledge that and HONOUR that from the core of my being. i wasn't her family, i didn't know her for a DECADE. i didn't work with her or live with her. it seriously makes me want to puke that anyone would see this as some sort of grieving competition. and if you want to see it that way, then that says everything about YOU and NOTHING about me.

and i'm probably NEVER going to write about the other grieving processes that i saw only a GLIMPSE of. who the fuck am i to write about it? THEY will write about it if THEY want to.

and i have photos of EVERYONE getting tattooed. i'm not the only one who cried or was in pain. but i didn't put them up because i took those photos only for THEM and they can put them in THEIR journals, if they want. it's NOT for ME to share those photos or their stories.

so SHAME on you, judgemental asshats.
who the fuck are you to think you see the whole scope of my life and the lives of everyone around me?
and know every last reason behind everything i do and say?
you know JACK. you see 1/2 of 1/2 % of what goes on in my life and in the lives of others around me if even that.

i share what i CAN. and that is all i CAN do.

so if i seem self absorbed, so be it, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

you don't know jack shit. open your eyes and stop projecting your own narrow scope of vision onto me.

i know writing this entry won't do a damn bit of good. but i just needed to get that off my chest.
so there.

usually, i would delete the "ugly" comments to my entries, because who needs it? but for this point in time, for this subject, just for now, i think it is important that we all look at the ugly side , too. it needs to be illuminated. it needs to the light to be shone upon it as bright as can be. there is so much pain in this world. i want the bright light of love and COMPASSION to illuminate every dark crevace. 2 minutes from now, i may feel differently, but right now, bring it on. bring me your warts and your awkwardness and your fear. i'm not doing the perfect job...but i try with what i can do only within this moment, as limited as that may be at times.

6:26am

i want to write down a snippet of a dream i had last night. i can't remember much of it. i'm only writing it here because it keeps sticking in my head and i want to remember it better to figure out what it means.

all i can remember is i tried to get a job bagging groceries and a huge grocery store, like rainbow, for 4.75 an hour.
there were a lot of people around , and i think the floor was wet. i couldn't get the hang of it or else maybe it was i just didn't know where and when to begin. no one gave me any instructions, even tho i knew how to bag groceries, i didn't know where i fit in to the rhythym of everyone else working and i didn't want to get in their way. i didn't even know where to punch in on the time clock. i didn't really need the money for the job, i just wanted something to get me out in the world and if i made a little cash on the side then that's cool, too, but i really didn't care about that aspect of it at all. i wanted to feel useful and good.

a few people thought i had really picked a job that was beneath me and didn't understand why i had picked such a job that did not challenge me in any way. but the challenge, for me, was just to get out there in the world and meet some new people. and i purposely picked a job that was super easy because i thought it would be low stress.

but actually it was very stressful and no one was welcoming me into their workforce world or giving me any instructions as to where i should fit in exactly and what i should do to help things run smoothly.

i ended up just giving up on the job then and walking away. i don't even know if they noticed i walked off the job.

then it seemed that perhaps i was in some sort of space age little convertible car. it was spring and the grass was wet. i remember dandelions. then my car ran out of gas and i had to abandon it in a residential neighbourhood. now that i think of it, i have dreams about having to abandon cool little cars all the time in residential neighbourhoods because they run out of gas or something goes wrong with them for some reason, i don't know why, they just stop working.
hmmmmm....

i think that is SORT of how my dream went.

ok, i know what it means now. all i had to do is write it out and it became obvious to me. now it can leave my mind, hopefully.

that dream was definitely mostly about my getting that tattoo, and the grocery store was the very busy tattoo shop. it was nuts in there and i was struggling to find my place in it and trying not to get in anyone's way and just wanting to be helpful.

the little cars running out of gas, i think that is me not following through on ideas and projects i do. i run out of gas or i just stop doing them for reasons unknown to me. them being in a residential area and not a highway means i that i am still test driving these ideas out and playing it safe. i don't go out into the highway on them which would mean "the fast lane" of life.

since i am into numerology and tarot, any number in my dreams have meaning to me. so the 4.75 and hour is:

4+7+5= 16/7

in tarot, the number 16 is associated with, absolutely prefectly fittingly for my dream and what i am going through, "the tower"

http://www.newage-directory.com/tower.html

here is a good explanation of it, and SO fitting. especially since i just had whole rantus drama that happened to me the day after i had the dream (from yesterday's journal entries towards the bottom of the page) and also the thing with my mom, and well, just EVERYTHING lately.

but in my dream, i must remember, i CHOSE to work for 4.75, so i CHOSE the tower. i knew i was worth more, but i wanted to feel that i was out in the world doing something "normal" in the more normal world, being helpful and productive and social. and , i guess, to say in a very elitist sense "common". i didn't want to be special or stick out, i just wanted to fit in to something ordinary and good.

i wanted to help in "lifting heavy things"
(bags of groceries/ the grief of sonia's death)
but no one really needed it. it was i who needed them.
it was me who needed to feel useful.

i suppose, in an ironic way then, i got exactly what i wanted.
i wasn't special and didn't stick out at all! so much so that no one even cared i was there or cared that i left!

interesting very much so that it was a grocery store, and groceries are food, life sustenance. that which keeps us going at the most basic level. and interesting that it wasn't a restaurant where people needed food NOW. it was being taken home, to eat at home, a storing up of life energy for later.

the wet floor respesented the ever present danger of slipping.

that is not a true representation od what happened at the tattoo shop. this dream was an exagerated example of my insecurity.

however there might even be more layer to this because it was 4.75
meaning 4 which is the "emperor" in the tarot, plus 75 which is 7+5= 12. which is "the hanged man" in the tarot.
so these 2 numbers may another layer to the bigger picture of 16/7.

BUT i need to think about that tomorrow (later on today) as now i need to sleep.

for those of you not into dream anaylzing, numerology, or tarot, this may all sound a bit nutty to you :)

i think the best thing i've learned by writing this down tho, was the bit about the little cool cars breaking down. i DO end up abandoning a lot of cool little projects/ideas (typical aries nature) and i need to get on that, learn how to drive better, and get those cars on the freeway!

i sure can learn a lot by writing down my dreams!

i used to do this every day, but got out of the habit since i got on the compuer. i need to do this more often.

i hope i remember my dream i have "tonight". it's 7:28am now and i better get some shut eye!

 

4:52am

i love my dogs and my boyfriend. and i love my dad and miss my dad. i hope i see him soon.
he retires soon, but i don't know exactly when. but he keeps talking about it.

and jason is graduating with his masters SOON! on the 13th of this month is his LAST DAY!
tomorrow he has to write his LAST PAPER!!

he is so stressed, out poor, guy. but he is almost to the finish line! i am so proud of him :)

he has worked his ASS off, you have no idea. i never talk about it because i don't talk about his private life. but i am SO happy he is graduating finally :) my boyfriend kicks ass :)

and i love my dad and my dogs. i want to clone them all!

i can't wait for summer to REALLY be here.

i need hot nights and i need lemonade.
and i need rides on our poor neglected scooter.

and i need to get my taxes done. and my hat show is soon, and man, i am so behind i haven't crocheted in weeks.

and my house is a mess, and i'm angry and sad about stuff, but DEEP down, i feel really good because i survive so much.

and jason is GRADUATING finally. praise zeus and allah!

 

4:28am

just every day stuff from the past week:

 

 

3:50am

and if ever have the $, i am SO cloning the pookadog!
http://savingsandclone.com/

3:38am

beauty:

http://www.lycettebros.com/automata/auto.htm

use the scroll bars on it :)
ok now i want all of those things tattooed on me, too. haha :)

 

i'm sorting through hundreds and hundreds of photos from the last few days to get up here...

 

1:54am

mommie dearest, part 3737464636a

i'm sorry to be so dramatic and negative AGAIN but goddamit!

fucking fuck. now my mom has started in on me again, asking me if she can start another lj. and trying to guilt me into saying that would be ok with me. what the FUCK??? when will this shit end??? this is seriously absolutely insanely ridiculous.

what-fucking-ever.com/donotfuckwithme/ever.wav

(no that is not a real url)

and i'm like NO mom, HOW many times are you going to ask me this question? i told you NEVER to ask me that question EVER again. i said, PLEASE do not EVER ask me that question again.

but she says there are people on livejournal she wants to talk to about basketball and about the orthodox church and her husband is gone and she is lonely. *whine whine whine whine whine sulk sulk sulk*

isn't there ANYWHERE ELSE on the GODDAMN INTERNET of MILLIONS of people that you can talk about the fucking basketball or the orthodox lutheran church for crying out LOUD???? oh but it's a BISHOP she wants to talk to on lj. fucking narcissistic personality disorder mother from hell. a BISHOP. WELL THEN, i guess that is pretty IMPORTANT huh??? well, if it's a BISHOP then yes PLEASE i TOTALLY understand that you would stick my heart with a pitchfork. i will just sit here and quietly BLEED to death and i hope won't BOTHER you as you pat yourself on the back for climbing up the social ladder to GOD. no, i wouldn't want to get in the way of THAT!

do you HEAR me mom, that if you start ANOTHER FUCKING LIVEJOURNAL it will STAB YOUR DAUGHTER'S HEART???? ummm, no, you don't.

yes, but talking about basketball on LIVEJOURNAL (and not 7 billion other places on the fucking internet ) because your husband is gone is SO much more important than your DAUGHTERS HEART. ooooo, the PAIN it must be not to be able to talk about BASKETBALL and how PRETTY the rituals of the orthodox church are in comparison to the normal lutheran church which is not as much into all those pretty pretty rituals. ohhhh, the Pain MY MOTHER MUST FEEL FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO DISCUSS THIS WITH HER 2 LIVEJOURNAL FRIENDS MUST BE UNBEARABLE.
and it it helps her pass the time.

GET A FUCKING HOBBY , MOM.

a HOBBY THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE TRYING TO FUCK JESUS IMPERSONATORS.

jesus H. MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST ON A STICK.

and yes PLEASE mom, ask me this NOW, at THIS point in my life, because as you can clearly fucking read in my journal, i'm not going through ENOUGH shit as it is. (yes, she reads my journal)

UNFUCKING REAL.

i'm sorry to bitch about this AGAIN. but god fucking dammit.
it just never ends.

and now JUST as i was starting to feel better about her and we were FINALLY starting to at LEAST have friend chit chat through email, she starts in on this SHIT again with me.

what a selfish fucking bitch. i just want to stab her eyes out with a fork at this moment.

i was really doing SO WELL. i AM doing well.

goddamit i'm doing better than well.

fuck this shit.

just fuck it.

i'll be fine in a minute.

water off a duck's back.

breathe breathe breathe.

fuck it. i'm fine. i'm just really fucking angry and i need to get that off my chest.

my mom says, "ok, you win, i won't start another lj"
oh really mom, do i WIN???
oh goodie.
what do i win? please tell me, i'd love to know what i am WINNING here. what's my special prize?

and it's SONIA mom, not SONJA.

i swear to god you are passively aggressively mispelling her name every fucking time because you are JEALOUS that she was more of a mom to me in the last several years than you ever were in a miniscule drop of your spit.

and THAT is why she is tattooed on me for the rest of my life.
and you will NEVER take that away from me EVER.

(no, i did not say any of this to her. i am just saying it here. although i did tell her not to ask me if she can have ANOTHER lj...again, again, again....)