May 1st, 2004
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more pix, the page fonts where i picked the S, the tattoo shop.
sarah took te pix of me. the pic outlined in yellow is wendy getting the #5 that everyone else got. wenduy is the woman who help my hand when i got mine done. i think maybe it was around 16 people who got the 5. it was a 5 taken from a candy called "win gum" that was sonia's fave candy that you can only get in england. i don't know why it is called wine gum because it's not gum not does it taste like wine. i hope i can try some someday.

 

it DID hurt very much everyone said it wouldn't hurt very much, but it hurt A LOT. it hurt like someone carving my wrist with a knife for 15 or 20 minutes or how ever long it took to do it.
i was just finally figuring our how to work through the pain when he finished. so i never did really get the hang of it or have any sort of great endorphine rush or anything. same with when i had my nipples pireced and everyone said the rush would be so cool feeling.
hello no.
it just plain hurts! but i bared with it (so i felt like a kick ass rock and roller) and even tho i was making a lot of ugly pain faces and at the end of it i was crying (99% of the crying tho was because it brought up so much emtion in me about sonia. and i got through the pain by knowing that sonia had gone through much worse pain than i was going through. and so i just thought "i love you sonia so fucking much and i'm doing this for you!")
but my wrist is one of the most sensitive parts of my body.

afterwards i just shook all over for about 20 minutes.
and i went off into a corner and just bawled for a minute but then just had to suck it up and put a stop to that because i think i could have had one of those gut wrenching wails for almost hour, the kind of crying that comes from the deepest sadness in you. it was so intense for me.

i maybe should have just gone outside and gotten all of that out because i feel it still stuck in me wanting to come out and just about anything makes me want to cry today, even things that aren't even remotely sad!

and it was nice that during my tattooing radiohead played the whole time. and i love radiohead and they are such a sad band that it felt appropriate for me.

although i think i would have rathered listened to bjork.

even through all that, tho, i think i would endure that to get another tattoo, when the time is right :)

my tattoo doesn't show up at all when i have the night vision on my cam. how weird is that?

 

9:57pm

here are 3 pix.
last night was SO intense.
and made so many wonderful new friends :)
wendy from hairpolice held my hand as i got tattoed.
she is so kind, all of them were. dreadberry, carolyn, sarah, wendy...so many more...
there is no words to express it now.
it was very very very emotional.
that is steve from uptown tattoo giving me my 1st tattoo. he was so funny and sweet :) i'll write more on this later but now i just need to chill out at jason's.

i will get many more pix up soon and the rest of the stories...

 

10:00am

everything was awesome!
i got a tattoo.
it rules.
more later.
i'm exhausted.

pictures soon
i slept all day

 

april 30th, 2004

4:53pm

it was semi-resolved. but..

i can't decide if i will get a tattoo today. i'm not sure i feel completely comfortable with those women i do not know. i still feel like i might be intruding. i'm not sure. i might just go to say hi, tho, to them, and just so all of that ickiness from last night can completely leave me. i don't know. they said they would "see me there". i still feel weird, tho but i don't want them to leave for england and just have this weird feeling in me forever about it.

i may just go to document their experience with my camera for them. and that is all. that way i can assist them in their experience with out being "in" it.

4:57am

jesus fucking christ do i ever feel like complete and utter total obliterated shit from the comment that dreadberry made. i am just sitting here shaking and crying again. i can't fucking stand it, i'm just a big raw nerve of emotion lately because of everything. and now with that comment, i am having this really intense nasty flashback of mindblowing insecurity of not feeling "deserved" of being friends with sonia's friends or something like i am back in highschool as the awkward outsider who is ALMOST friends with a group of people, but i just never am quite "cool" enough or whatever it is that always keeps me just right outside of every circle ever.
i was so overjoyed that i was invited to this very intense tattooing ritual to remember sonia. it felt SO DAMN GOOD to be part of something, to feel worthy of that. or whatever it is. i just wanted to meet some new cool girl friends 'cause i can always use some of that girl energy in my life. to just...have the gift of sharing with others a bit more about sonia. to not be ALONE after such a loss.

and i was going to get a tattoo ANYWAY about sonia, so DOUBLY cool that i could do it with a group of people who were doing the same thing.

but now i don't know if i have pissed them all off by my writing my memorial to her because i mentioned that, to me, she looked like a vampire.

i can't fucking help it if she looked like a vampire somewhat. she was DEAD, for god's sake. in a COFFIN. who DOESN"T look a bit like a vampire when they are dead and in a coffin? especially if they are pale as can be with dark burgundy lipstick, burgundy hair, and they are wearing a dark suit with black fingernail polish and portishead is playing?

i LIKE the way vampires look. i am a GOTH chick, in many respects.
i didn't mean she looked like a vampire in a BAD way.

*shaking shaking trembling*

godddddd.....fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

i'll just go get my tattoo by myself. as i always do everything by myself.
if that is the way it has to be then that is the way it has to be.

i KNOW that sonia would not have been angry with me for what i wrote.
i know she would have LAUGHED at the absurdity of it all that she DID look a tiny bit like a vampire in her coffin.

i know that she accepts me and loves me and supports me in what i do and who i am and how i write.

and that is what counts to me. god fucking dammit.

LIFE FUCKING SUCKS SOMETIMES SO HARDCORE.

i write this gut wrenching soul searching heart twisting memorial to sonia from the bottom of my heart and soul. that had so much GOODNESS in it. and LIGHT in it. that illuminated not only the beauty but the AWKWARDNESS because that is just how life is! that is just the honest truth! i'm not going to sugar coat it. i'm SORRY.

i NEED to write about the awkwardness. and the awkward parts NEED to be acknowledged, i think, sometimes. at least for ME they do.

THIS IS HOW I SORT THROUGH MY PAIN AND HEAL.

i didn't MEAN to make anyone upset. i am so upset that any of sonia's friends would be upset with what i wrote.

FUCK.
THIS is why i do not want to share anything more publically.
this is why i just don't ever want to show anyone my writings.

but yes, i realize that was only ONE negative comment in the midst of so many positive but it just HURTS so MUCH that it came from a friend of sonia's.

god, this sucks so much and i do not know how to handle this situation at all.

i am so fucking sad and upset. i feel like i am going to burst open.

 

please don't post anything negative to her. i'm not writing about this here for anyone to yell at her for what she did. everyone grieves in their own way. i upset her. i feel horribly about it.
i suppose if you thought i was saying to look like a vampire is an awful thing and that she and her friends took that to mean that the hair and make up job were terrible, then that would be upsetting to the person who did the hair and make up, especially if you were friends with sonia i can't even imagine how difficult it must have been to do that and KNOW her in that way.

 

++++

i'm putting this entry at the bottom of this page because i don't want it on the top. the top of this page is for POSITIVITY.

i am completely blown away by the cruelty of some people.
a person i considrered a friend of mine, rantus
made this comment here in the thread that contains the photos of my tattoo. i have always really admired rantus as an artist and as a human being, and the things he writes in his journal in his friends only entries are always insightful and heartful and with a great twist of dark humour sometimes. which is why i am blown away, that of all people he would write that. his writings and art have always filled my life with a goodness.
i'm just shaking again. but i know the pain of this one is going to pass extremely soon because i seriously just can't take in any more pain right now it's starting to bounce right off me and i am developing a thick shell on me. i haven't even told you yet of the man who came up to me during sonia's memorial and said the cruelest of things to me out of the blue. i didn't want to write about it yet because what i have wanted to focus on the BEAUTIFUL things about this past week. but i am may share it someday simply because it is interesting from a psychology standpoint and i am interested in human psychology and the whole gammut of the human experience. and also to share it in case something of that nature has ever happened to someone else, i like to help people feel less alone. and that has always been my #1 reason i write. because i know that when other people share their stories, the good and the bad, it has helped ME feel less alone and has helped me through life so i feel a bit less like a freak as i weed my way through this weirdness called life.

i don't know what rantus meant by saying i wanted a paper souvenier but now i am guessing he must have meant the funeral programme? do people in england not have funeral programmes (rantus is from england)??? and do people in england not want to meet others who also knew the loved one who passed to share stories?
hmmm. this must mean that the women from england that flew all the way over here so they could be with sonia and sonia's friends must be gauche freaks of nature. and since it was a woman from england's idea for us all to get tattooed together she must have some sort of horrible american mentality.

i think cera's reply to him hit the nail right on the head when she said she thought he treated my journal entries and some sort of form of entertainment, like a tv show and he felt the need to critique the episodes of my life, i guess. how more gauche and american can you get?

and i think it is incredibly tragic that he would think that all of this was done to promote myself when i was doing was sharing and working through my LOVE and my GRIEF and my RESPECT. if i was promoting myself wouldn't i be selling t shirts for this or something? wtf? if i was promoting anything, i would be promoting LOVE, as i always try to do because i am damn hippy at heart (sorry, btripp :)

yes, please, tune in next week for another episode of "ana's grief".
and let me know if i am entertaining enough for you! email the producer of the show and let me know if you're kind of getting tired of the whole "death" theme. and i'll try to make next week's episodes HAPPIER and more EASILY DIGESTABLE for you. with NO AWKWARD MOMENTS!

i'll also be selling the funeral programme's for $1 and and i'll even autograph them for you!

even if you didn't like what i was writing and it wasn't your cup of tea, i can't IMAGINE having the audacity to come in and critique a person's grief like that like some fucking siskel and ebert.

once again, i am completely floored by the level of detachment that took.
the level of insensitivity and cruelty...just...i don't even know how to word it because i can't really get into a mindset or even imagine a mindset where i could fathom actually doing something like that.

i can't fathom it. part of me wants to fathom it because, you know, i just want to understand WTF?

but the bigger part of me wants to just brush this off and walk away and not give it one single second more of energy.

and THAT is what i'm going to be trying to do now.
i'm going to go turn up music really loud and jump around the room and celebrate all the new and wonderful friends i have made and my beautiful new tattoo and LIFE, big beautiful awkward horrible as fuck gorgeous painful wonderful joyous gauche disgusting sad to the core of my being yummy decadent confusing LIFE!!

cause, goddamit, my tattoo makes me so happy and i love it sooooo much, and i have gotten SO MUCH LOVING SUPPORT from people who have also shared their beautiful life stories with me, too, which has made me feeel SO HONOURED. and made me feel SO MUCH LESS ALONE.

THANK YOU TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE I HAVE MET THROUGH THIS!
i'm sorry i have not responded to each and every reply but each and every one has filled my heart with love and helped me heal through this. and i thank you so much for giving that to me and allowing me to grieve.

thank you thank you thank you.
Current Mood: determined

i am making this entry public now, but, to all of you, i have screened all the comments that everyone made when it was private to keep your comments private.
i kept this entry private to give rantus the benefit of the doubt, think about what he said to me, and perhaps apologize. he chose to dig the knife in deeper.
so be it. i am deeply disappointed. i know that deep down, rantus is a good human being and will someday realize what a terrible mistake he has made because i believe in him and know him to be a kind and intelligent person most often than not. something, somewhere along the line, has hurt him so deeply that it has blinded his vision. cheers, rantus, to you and your journey both in life and in death. i mean that sincerely, as angry as i am right now with you. i hope someday, when we may be both dead and on "the other side" we can laugh at this and have a beer over it (if there is beer on the other side).... because this really is truly ridiculous.