april 26th, 2004
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but now on to the really important things in life,
would someone tape american idol for me tomorrow?

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death, transformation and rant about "the swan"

a sort of continuation of my previous entry here...but not exactly....

i wanted to also say that i think it is interesting that in many ancient cultures, like egyptian, the preparation of the body was done not just for purely aesthetic reasons as we have now, but was done in a spiritual and ritualistic way to prepare and help the deceased in their journey to the other side.

i think it is sad that we, the western world, have lost that and do not find it important to do anymore. now the only thing we care about, dead body-wise, is that it look like it is "sleeping" and that it be "clean" so as not to spread disease (but i realize the importance of this).
just another example of how americans focus on the material more than the spiritual.

i also think that i would rather look at a dead body the way it actually naturally looks than to see it as a "sleeping" mannequin looking thing. we are so divorced from the process of death here. i think it would be good for us not to be.

however, having never seen anyone i knew and cared about actually dead and bluish grey and decomposing, it's easy for me to say that.

there is a saying in showbiz that goes like "it doesn't matter how you feel or what you do, it just matters that you look good while doing it".
people would say this to me, half jokingly, when i was feeling distraught in any way and had a photo shoot or some sort of public thing i needed to do. and i always found no comfort it in. in fact, i found it very disturbing.

i think this is also extremely exemplified in that tv show "the swan". in which we seek for transformation from the outside in. instead of from the inside out.

and i realize that it CAN actually be done that way. as above so below. the macrosm is the microsm, all that.

feng shui takes this route, in a way, in that by changing your physical surroundings, one can change the inner and have more harmony in one's inner life. and i realize that by changing one's outward appearance one can then take on the energy and become the energy of what that outward appearance to you represents.
(but actually feng shui is moving the physical things to be in harmony and work WITH the inner/invisible energies, so it is actually quite different.)

i'm not saying plastic surgery is in any way like feng shui, as plastic surgery is hardly in harmony with the natural world.
but feng shui works with the physical to be in harmony with the nonphysical, and this, in turn, assists us in creating harmony within ourselves. (why did i bring up feng shui, there is an analogy i am trying to make here but am miserably failing).

i'm just saying that by changing our outward appearances, some of us can "trick" ourselves into believing, and therefore becoming, and therefore being, what that outer appearance represents to us.

but we still need that inner work for it to "stick".

we cannot change ourselves from nerd into non-nerd just by changing the shapes of our noses.
but in our narcissistic society where we base who we (think) are by what others mirror back at us, some people think this is apparently the case.
(i'm talking about the true psychological definition of narcissism, i'm not using narcissism to simply mean "vanity", as many people so often use it. i'm talking about the kind of narcissism discussed here.)

if others mirror back to us that we are not nerds because we now have a non-nerd nose, i guess we are instantly transformed into non-nerds!

and even tho "the swan" has a psychologist on that show, and the contestants are supposedly doing "inner" work. i don't think this show emanates at ALL that it is inner work is TRULY what transforms us.

and getting back to death, what i see from this show is not a person who goes through a transformation from within to them to become more of who they were inside.
but i see it more as some sort of ritualistic consented murder of the outer self. and thereby, by being able to look into a mirror and not recognize oneself anymore, one can then grant oneself the freedom to be a "new human being". or actually maybe it is more like society grants that person the freedom to become a new person.

i don't know if i am really expressing this as well as i could be. which is why i have not written about it yet because i am still trying to formulate the exact words i need in order to correctly communicate what i am seeing in that show. and my writing this out now is just step one in my process of being able to more fully express what i feel about this.

but woman after woman on that show looks into the mirror after her "transformation" for the first time, after not seeing herself in a mirror for months, and each one breaks down and says "it that ME???"
and the panel of scary "experts" smiles in this eerie hollow way.

and the host says to the woman " do you recognize yourself?"
and the woman sobs with uncontrollable emotion and shock, and i guess, joy, "no! no i do not recognize myself!!"

and the panel of experts claps as if this were the highest goal they could achieve. they have made a woman not recognize herself. the outer shell that once was has been completely obliterated. this woman has gone through a death of her outer self. she and the panel of experts have killed it. everyone is overjoyed.

and with her 1st new look in the mirror, she is born into a new body.
it's like getting to reincarnate again within the same life, almost.

and so now, with this new mask/shell/body, the agreement is made between society and the woman that she has been granted the freedom to be a "beautiful confident woman".

and you know, i am not going to TOTALLY knock it because it COULD actually work. and it has.

but i want to know, is it LASTING? what happens to these woman AFTER they leave this show? that is what i want to know and would be the most interested in.

how will they feel about what happened to them and who they are 5, 10, 15 years down the road?

i am guessing that for some women this experience will have been a positive transformative experience, because after they leave the show, they will have the fortitude to do the inner work that is truly necessary for lasting true change.

and i think some of these women will realize that, once again, they let themselves be victimized. and, once again, they handed over their power to others ("experts"), and once again, they allowed others to dictate who they were and their worth in society. and their worth to themselves.

and without all the experts and audience mirroring back to them an image of who they want to be, and without all that hustle and bustle of the showbiz machine to keep them in line and disciplined and focused, they might even leave more lost and empty than when they went into the show.

because this show has purposely gone and and sought out women who are victims and who do nto know who they are and who hate themselves.
(i realize that i do not know these women and that what i am seeing is an extremely edited down snippet of their life. i am only judging on what i see.)

and in my opinion, i think a show like that could be the worst thing that ever happened to them. because i know what showbiz is like and i have seen and experienced directly how easy it is to get completely lost and bulldozed over when a person has STRONG self esteem and a rock hard knowledge of who they are because it has happened to me.

i can't even begin to imagine the mindfuck those women maybe don't even know is happening to them right now, women with that kind of "psychological profile". and i really really hope i am wrong. but i don't think i am. but i so hope that i am wrong.

if i were a plastic surgeon, there is no way i would ever work on any of those women until they were feeling stronger emotionally.

oh, and also, when you've just had THAT much major surgery and you are just an emotional and physical mess. AND you do not have any of your family or friends around you....i would really classify this, perhaps, as even brainwashing.

and being put on a 1,200 calorie a day diet with 2 or 3 hours of intensive excerise along with that. it really is how one would go about breaking down a person and molding them how you want. like they do in the army. and a 1,200 calorie diet with that much extreme excercise IS a crash diet that can lead to yo yo dieting which can lead to eating disorders.

all that is missing is sleep deprivement. maybe they do that to them , too. i don't know. i wouldn't be surprised.

and then also yet another side of us, as westerners, being too focused on the physical is to put too much importance on NOT changing our physical appearance in any way. by keeping things "pure" and "natural". and "that's the way god made you so that is the way you must stay forever". that can be equally as damaging in certain contexts.

i think that is just the other side of the same coin of placing too much importance on the physical. we shouldn't get too hung up on that either.
i think if a person wants to change their appearance they should be allowed to do that. and i don't think we should crucify those who choose to change their physical appearance.

i just don't think the greatest way to go about that is to come down on already victimized and lost women like the gestapo of "our version of idealized beauty in 2004" , take these women away from their homes and families, not allow them to view themselves in mirrors and then foist it upon them in a televised ritual. and if that were not enough, force them to compete IMMEDIATELY after that with another woman who has been equally traumatized to see which one wins the better version of idealized beauty in 2004. and then say to one, eh..you're not good enough, bye!

and THEN take the other one and put her through a frickin televised beauty pageant where she will be judged even further on her new unrecognizable flesh and one by one each one will be turned away until their is only ONE "swan".

and more of a mind fuck... is she supposed to think she is being judged by the work the doctors did on her or by "her"...whoever "she" is at this point? how are you supposed to "find" yourself in that?

and i do not know if people get the VERY BIG HUGE IMPORTANT POINT, that this is not just some little "makeover". this is not getting a new hairstyle and working out. this is spinning the wheel of chance to the fact that you may DIE from this experience. many many thousands of people die each year from surgery. and this surgery is MAJOR sugery. it is extreme and traumatizing to the body, as well. and invasive and permanent. if i were a doctor, i would never in a million years do THAT many traumatizing surgeries on a patient in one single session! unreal!

and yes, i also realize that each of these woman is a grown adult who made the decision to do this. but i also realize this show is preying on other's weaknesses.
and i am aware that it is sometimes through the most difficult and fucked up circumstances that we "find" ourselves. and that is it sometimes even necessary to "lose" oneself in order to find yourself again. because, in a warped way, you can't really find something until you've lost something. i've had this experience several times myself.

but if "happiness" were to be attained, it would all be DESPITE the show, not because of it. and none of this is, of course, being addressed or ever will be. and that is not the motive or intent of that show. because that would never sell to us because we want the "quick fix" and we want even THAT summarized and spoonfed to us in easy to digest soundbites.

the only message we are getting is bascially: "if you kill off your former identity and become unrecognizable to yourself and to us, and your new outer self represents to us our idealized version of beauty for western society in 2004, we will mirror this back to you so that you can find the new "you" in the mirror we present to you."

one comment i found particularily disturbing from the daughter who sees the new mom for the 1st time and she exclaims "you look just like a little barbie!" and everyone rejoices.

this IS the REAL stepford wives.

there is a lot more i wish to say about all of this at a later date (like why are the doctors saying a woman's fat is "unfeminine"),
but this is all i can manage to say right now...

and i'd be interested in your thoughts on this to help me solidify what it is i am trying to say here. i know my writing style is sometimes hard to follow. i write in a "thinking out loud" kind of way, which, is exactly what i was doing.

4:44pm

look at my eye in this one

frankly curious morbid thoughts on dead bodies

i wrote this to my friend kiitos:

"i kind of want to get there at 2pm just because i think it would be cool to meet the people who were sonia's friends and family. and also, it will be nice out tomorrow, we could go sit on the grass and be mellow. we don't have to be inside with the coffin the whole time.
also, i just have no idea how i am going to react to this whole thing. i don't usually go to funerals. i didn't even go to most of my grandparent's funerals. so, maybe it will take me awhile to adjust to the whole thing. i'm not sure.
i can tell you i think i am definitely not looking at her body if they show it.
i hate to remember people looking that way. i don't want that memory in my head. AUGH!
although i have to say, for the first time i am weirdly curious and do almost want to see her. i'm just not sure. i can't make up my mind. i wish i didn't even have that option so i didn't have to think about it.
i did go to my grandpa olson's funeral and i refused to look at his body. i was just like "tell me where his body is so i can avoid it". no one ever looks real. they just look like a wax doll version of it.
and of course i am so morbidly curious about these things , about the whole process the mortician and the autopsy people go through. i even thought of being a mortician for awhile. so if i see her , all i will do is conjure up images of what she looks like underneath all that make up and where are all the incision marks and think about the cotton stuffed in her orafices.

i also really detest the way they go about putting the embalming fluid in the body and how they drain the blood right down the drain. i find that highly disrespectful. but i suppose it is only us, who are living, who get ourselves in a tizzy about these aspects. i suppose once you are dead all of these things seem stupidly trivial.

well, here i am thinking about it NOW, so, i guess seeing her won't make me think about it even more. i don't know. i'm so weird.
for days i've just been imagining her in a body bag all grey and stiff and how weird that is.
i mean i, of course, am also imagining her and remembering her as she was alive, too! i'm not being 100% completely morbid and gross.
but i am just weirdly morbidly curious and morbidly repelled by the entire process of death.

i'm always watching shows on mortuaries and forensics. i suppose a lot of people must think about this kind of stuff otherwise, why would there be so many countless tv shows and documentaries about it all? so maybe i am not THAT weird.

but ya, what is the etiquette about this kind of stuff? i guess i should pretty much keep my big mouth shut about all of this while i am there. although i wonder how many people are thinking about it and just not talking about it?

i remember when the 1st person i knew died. she wasn't a friend of mine, just an aquaintance. and she was in orchestra with me. and i went to view the body and while i was in line to see it, i started uncontrollably giggling! and my friend who was with me also did. we couldn't stop and actually had to get out of the line and go outside and laugh our asses off behind the bushes and then try to get it out of our systems and get back in line again.

i have no idea why i was laughing, it must have been some weird reaction to stress, although, at the time, i was not even aware that i was that stressed.

then when i saw her body, she didn't look anything like how she did when she was alive. the way the heads rests never looks natural. i think it's because all the muscles there relax in a way that they never do when someone is alive, and it's hard to mimic that again and position it correctly when they are dead. but for some reason, that is actually what bugs me the most about dead bodies. the way they head is positioned, it makes it look like they are very uncomfortable and maybe almost suffocating and the hands so stiff and crossed and doll like.

it's so surreal how STILL a dead body is. even in life, when you try to pretend to be dead and lay as still as you possibly can, it is never as still as a dead body is. i never can really get over that either. people become statues of themselves.

i've thought of becoming a make up artist for dead bodies just because i cannot stand the way they normally do the make up. i think there must be a market for people who would actually like to be painted up like an actual statue when they are dead. or just some gorgeous arty body paint.
i'll bet sonia would have liked that. i think it would look better for a body to be spray painted silver. or covered in gold leaf. or marbleized like a marble statue. or maybe have flowers and vines painted on them. or scenes from their life painted on them. or maybe painted up like a hindu god. it just makes no sense to me to try to make them look like they are still alive because that always fails so miserably. and i don't think it makes sense to make them look like they are still alive since they are so obviously not. or to cover the body in beautiful rhinestones. to make them look like gods and goddesses. i think sonia would have liked the idea to be covered in gold leaf and to look like a hindu goddess. actually, now that i think of it, i think she'd like something more futuristic since she always said she was a time traveler from the future who was just visiting now (which she considered the past...and i understand that as i often feel this way, too). so maybe a futuristic version of a hindu goddess. no wait, EGYPTIAN goddess is what she would have wanted, not hindu. she totally loved egypt and felt she was probably doing hair on them, too, way back then. she would show me pictures of egyptian wigs and they would be very much like what she was doing now. who knows, she probably was the person who even came up with the idea just like she was the one who was the pioneer for the dreadlock extension! :) now that i think of it, i completely remember talking to her about this very subject i think the last time i saw her in january! and i know she totally loved my idea of painting dead bodies in this way. how really unreal it is to be typing about it here, in this context now. really unreal.

if i ever figure out what it would entail to get into the business of painting dead bodies, i might still do this. it would just be hard to find those 1st few bodies to practice on to get up a portfolio. but i just know i could do so many people justice and turn their bodies into gorgeous pieces of art.

i think i'll post this in my journal and see what other people have to say about this, since i won't be talking about this at her funeral since i don't know how people would react to it."