april 23rd, 2004
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6:40pm

it's so bizarre that the last sentence sonia wrote in her lj is "i am in heaven"

i must get synth dreads in my hair again for her funeral but i have no idea who i can ask to do it. to make appointments at hairpolice, it is sonia's email.

i can't stop crying.

5:00pm

these photos my banshee:

 

oh my fucking god
my very most wonderful friend, sonia5 DIED!!!

i am in absolute shock and i feel sick all over.

my god. i had this really really weird feeling that was going to happen.
she is the one who did my hair.
i just took out all the extensions she put in my hair last night as i felt this weird need to do it.
i am seriously nauseous all over and my entire body is tingling and i just feel really sick and i'm shaking and i don't know what more to say.
i was going to go over to her house very soon and play scrabble with her because she felt so rotten.
my god, WHY DIDN'T I GET OVER THERE AND PLAY SCABBLE WITH HER SOONER???? because i had this stupid ass cold!!! arrrrrrrgh!
I FEEL HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't take this in at all.

I LOVE YOU SONIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she was my second mother :(
and she was the sister i never had :(

i feel like a fucking IDIOT for not getting over there to play scrabble with her.
i am going to regret that for the rest of my fucking life.

my little pile of synth dreads i took out of my hair last night are sitting on a pile on my floor.

maybe it's good that i took them out last night because if i hadn't, i seriously would have NEVER taken them out of my hair EVER had i known she died. there is no way i could have ever taken them out.

i just called her phone and heard her sweet voice on her voicemail which made me totally lose it.
i tried to leave a message on it for whoever to call me about the funeral. i hope they could understand what i was saying because i was crying so hard.

i can't believe i'll never hear her voice again.

this is the closest person i have ever had who has died.
i guess i am lucky not many people who are close to me have died.
and it was bound to happen sooner or later that someone did.

what a suckfest it is to feel this loss in me.

i wonder where she is now and how she is and what she is feeling.

she had been not feeling well for awhile now and something was wrong with her lung as it kept filling up with fluid and the doctors did not know why.
i spoke with her about a week ago and she still did not know what was the deal.
i look at her lj now and she was still posting on the 19th.
she even posted a good natured reply to stacy on the 21st, i see.

i don't know when she was diagnosed with lung cancer finally. but it had to have been not very long ago at all. she didn't even smoke.

god, how totally surreal all of this is.

i have saved all the extensions she ever did on me and i'm totally going to make some sort of art thing with it.

whenever she would do my hair, we would talk about new age type of stuff and how to keep positive and follow our dreams. i always felt more clicked onto my path after a visit with her. and she felt the same way, i know. she said she liked to talk to me because she liked my positivity and she liked talking about all the new age stuff that she didn't get to talk about much with other people. we both made each other feel a little bit less insane and illogical in an increasingly insane and illogical world.
she new the power of positive thought and that you create your own reality, and so, she was able to realize her dreams and keep going on that always. i always felt so energized by her. she recharged my hopes and dreams whenever i would talk with her. and that is such a rare thing, for me, these days.

she was my shining example of how age is all in your head.
she was always young and exciting and vibrant and sexy.
she made me feel so much better about getting older.
and we both would acknowledge that in each other that we were the kind of women who were on the forefront of changing the stereotypes of what older women were supposed to be and act like.

she was my partner in crime in this! and i will keep holding that torch!

i love you so much sonia, you made such an impact on my life.
and whenever you did my hair, you more than just wove in extensions, you wove in your positivity and your hardcore kick ass nature, and your vision of the future. and i always left feeling revitalized and realigned and more "me" than i had been.

it is rare to come across a human who lifts you up in this way and helps you become even more "you" than you were before.

thank you sonia, for keeping me on my path and supporting me to shine my light as bright as i possibly can.

i love you so much.

and when i die, i look forward to kicking your ass in scrabble on the other side!

2:01am

it's weird that my real hair seems like a wig to me.

it took me 6 hours to get all of that out of my hair and get all the knots out and wash it.
it's long enough to stick in pigtails now :) by the end of the summer i may be able to put it all on the top of my head in one ponytail. my hair needs a small trim.

i need to get outside and walk everyday. i want to lose 10 more pounds so much.