april
15th, 2004 |
||
11:59pm
courtney love
ok, that was just painful seeing courtney on jay leno just now.
now i know it was meant to be that she put the wrong address in the paper for people to send her demo tapes to be in her band. and so, when i sent mine to her, it went to some wrong address and, i guess, never made it to her.
well, firstly, good i'm not in her
band because as the world can plainly see, she is having another one of her
low points of life right now.
i can't completely fault her for it, or maybe what i should say is somehow
i understand it as i guess i could so easily veer off in that direction, and
sometimes have. reading a biography on her, her parents were so insanely abusive
its a wonder she actually survived...with her dad feeding her acid when she
was a baby and she was made to sleep in the garage and just a ton of really
monstrous things. i can see why she is the way she is and i find it incredibly
inpsiring that she not only survived but actually thrived, much more than
a lot of us ever do. and that is one of the reasons i find her amazing despite
what the critics say.
and she is brilliant, and intelligent, and vulnerable, and horrible and so many things we all know.
anyway, you just want to run to her and save her, at least i do. or run far far away.
she tried SO hard to act "normal" tonight on leno. i could see her trying SO hard. but she still always comes across as incredibly needy and self centered and just "too much". and i know i sure as hell can come across that way too sometimes, so i can totally relate to it. just sort of spiraling out of control and it's so hard to stop if it's in your nature. i guess by me wanting to save her it's my way of trying to save that part of myself and sooth that part of myself. i just want her to have a safe space. i know i'm projecting all my stuff on her. i realize this.
ok, but on another note, what else did she have done to her face? because she looks completely different than she did before. is her nose different again? it seems to be something with her mouth. like her teeth? i'm not sure. something was done and i just do not like it as much, personally. but that is not important. i'm just mentioning it because i am curious.
then her band tonight...WHAT ON EARTH
WAS THAT?
does no one know how to play or tune their instruments? it could not have
been more out of tune if they had been trying to make it be that way. and
courtney knew this and actually just stopped singing at one point and made
a face about it. it sounded like a bunch of 14 year old in a garage playing
for the very 1st time. it was seriously an embarrassing nightmare. what was
her agenda in picking these players for her band??? did she just have to like
them and they looked cool? or did no players audition for her band who could
actually play? i would love to know the story behind that. i am entirely mystified.
i do NOT get what happened there. i don't know if i have ever witnessed such
a train wreck of a performance by a person/band of that stature.
and her album is actually REALLY good and is actually quite the complete opposite of what was witnessed tonight. i recommend you buy it. it doesn't sound ANYTHING like i just saw now on tv. wow.
good god. i don't know what else
to say!
i wish courtney had a batphone and i had the number to it so i could see if
there was any way i could help her at LEAST get her band in shape.
or tell her i think she'd be beter off doing a solo acoustic tour!
wow. just wow.
9:56pm
did you listen to the mp3 of fantasia i put up in this anagram?
8:56pm
letter from my dad:
1st it came in a snoopy card that
said:
"in the cookies of life, people like you are the chocolate chips"
:)
oh, and he gave me a cheque for $500!
which is beyond amazing!
i will need that as all i have right now is about 80 bucks and haven't even
paid my electric or phone bill from last month:
the letter:
april 13th, 2004 (and
he has nice handwriting)
Dear Rachael,
I remember so well the day you were born and how excited and relieved I was. You have been told the details, how glad your mother and I were that you would thrive even as small as you were.
(side note by me, i was born a month early at 4 pounds 6 oz.)
Thank God for the good care you received at Midway Hospital.!
You have always been a special child- imaginative, intelligent and sensitive
to the world around you-
also very single minded. You still are. How happy and proud I am to be your
Father.
(that's the sentence that makes me sing the most!)
I love you very much and needed to tell you that again. Happy Birthday!
I wish that we were closer now, but that is the way life goes. Your interests
have taken you into a life that I often do not understand, but that is my
problem. I feel somewhat distant from you because of my work also. I wonder
if that will change when I retire. Something to think about.
I've been considering my life life and what I will do once retired. I like my home but I don't have a lot of interest in this part of the world. I would raher be closer to the Cities-it's arts and music, etc.
Well, time will tell. So on this, your 38th birthday, I wish you the best and ask God to bless you and keep you whole and healthy, and as happy as once can be in this difficult world.
Love,
Dad
+++
and so, that might not seem like much to those of you who have parents who are regularily expressive, but it sure did mean a lot to me to heat this from my dad :)
7:56pm
it's windy. the dogs are enjoying
their chewy rawhide treats.
do i now watch CSI or a show on cannibalism on PBS?
i vote for cannibalism.
7:06pm
i received the SWEETEST most KIND most WONDERFUL letter from my daddy-poo that i have ever gotten from him :) :) :) :)
i would have burst into tears reading
it if i had not been reading it on the way to the little store so i was in
public.
it took willpower to hold in my tears of joy.
i think this letter is my most prized
possession. i want to read it daily. maybe have it framed.
i don't know. i love my dad so much. thank god i have my dad. he has not always
been a great dad because he, himself, has been lost at times. but i have always
known that. but i would not for a million trillion billion dollars ever trade
him in for a different dad and i hope that he and i reincarnate and be together
forever because he really is , in my eyes, a spectacular little being like
the pooka dog.
i have to be careful to not put him
on a pedestal and see him in a realistic light.
i definitely can mythologize him at times, and it doesn't really help that
he looked EXACTLY like jesus christ for a few decades with the longer hair
and beard and sad kind puppy dog eyes (i have his eyes)
and being that he was a minister, wears the white robe and everything, so
basically, my dad has been jesus my whole life.
he just is kind of detached and runs
from any sign of conflict.
and so, has left me alone to fend for myself often.
but now that he has gotten older, and is alone, i think he is finally showing signs of actually missing me and wanting to connect to me. actually showing signs of needing ME.
and now i'm crying because at the same time on survivor everyone is seeing videos of their families and missing them so much.
i miss my dad so much. it almost feels like i was born missing him.
it's only in the last few years i have finally gotten good at not showing him how much i miss him when i am around him. i'm good now at not lingering on goodbyes. and being the 1st person to break away from a hug instead of holding on for that extra second.
but i'm still scared to show him
how much i miss him, even tho i will because it's in my nature,
because i wonder if the reason i get this reward of seeing that he misses
me is only because i have finally gotten so good at not yearning for him to
need me. and as soon as i show him that, he will detach again.
it's always the game of the seeker and the saught. and i hate it.
but i've gotten good at saying "whatever" to it.
i will type out his letter he wrote me to you in a few minutes. i have to get more food.
6:59pm
money spent: 25.07 on food and dog chew treats
now it is time to eat and watch survivor.
6:32pm
ah, i have my window open and i opened my front door and so i have a huge coolish warmish draft going on throughout the house and i'm getting in all this nice fresh air. aaaaaahhhhhhh :)
washed the kitchen floor (sort of)
gonna put in a load of dishes. it feels so damn good to have enough energy
to do these things!
heaven :)
4:28pm
ah well, now it's raining anyway *sniffle*
3:55pm
it's 75 degrees outside (and cloudy),
and i'm inside????
rrrrrrrrrr. stupid cold.
although i think i am a tiny bit
better than i was yesterday.
and so that is a good thing. it doesn't feel oppressive like something is
sitting on my chest and sucking out my lifeforce.
6:29am
still up. found an mp3 of fantasia
singing summertime.
i wish i could find a video of it so you could see her sing it too, because
that was so much of the performance.
you miss out to only hear this and not see it.
and she's only 19!
1:18am
whoever is sick of that damn banner in hotmail that if you run your cursor over it by accident it rings a bell, raise your hand.
*raises hand*
12:38am
i asked people to ask me 3 questions:
questions people have asked me here:
Question #1.
Do you ever find yourself creating art in order to simply survive? Do you
feel that if you were to one day decide to shut down your site that you could
make it in more mainstream art culture? Also, do you feel as though you must
be prolific in order to keep people interested in your art and cam site?
Question #2.
Do you feel as though a formal education in art can make or break an artist?
Have you ever felt shunned or stigmatized in the art world for not having
a higher education?
Question #3.
How would you define happiness and do you feel as though you are content in
your own life?
1. Do you ever find yourself creating art in order to simply survive?
of course.
2. Do you feel that if you were to one day decide to shut down your site that you could make it in more mainstream art culture?
why would i want to make it in more mainstream art culture?
3. Also, do you feel as though you must be prolific in order to keep people interested in your art and cam site?
sometimes i do. but the audience i strive for cares about quality, not quantity :)
4. Do you feel as though a formal education in art can make or break an artist?
i don't really know what you mean by that. can a formal education make or
break whether or not a person is an artist? or whether or not that artist
will be successful in mainstream art culture? or..?
imo, you either are an artist or you are not an artist. it's "in your
blood"
formal education is just a tool, like a paintbrush, what you do with it is
up to you.
5. Have you ever felt shunned or stigmatized in the art world for not having a higher education?
i don't think i've paid enough attention to the art world to really notice
6. How would you define happiness and do you feel as though you are content in your own life?
happiness is when you are so wrapped up in the now that you forget about the future and the past. happiness is also sitting in bed with my boyfriend and 3 dogs, watching a good movie, and crocheting something with beautiful yarn.
-----------------------------------------------------
1. What were you up to during the early 80's (aka: early teens late twenties)
2. Was it hard to get used to your name change and do your mom and dad call
you Ana?
3. What made you decide on Ana Voog?
1. well, up until 1984 i was still
in high school :)
then i started my band, the blue up? and put out a few vinyl records.
and worked various retail jobs, mostly in clothing
2. it was a little weird at 1st. my mom and dad do not call me ana
3rd question
i gave my friends who knew me as rachael the choice to either call me rachael
or ana (they chose rachael, naturally).
and those who knew me when i changed my name to ana call me ana. my boyfriend
calls me ana.
i prefer ana. it's what i am used
to now.
rachael seems like a super far way thing now.
why i changed my name is a long story.
after 11 years in my band The Blue UP? i wanted to do electronic music and
so i decided we should have a new name for our new sound.
the blue up name just didn't fit
my new vision.
so i picked the name ANA..as i wanted something that was the same forwards
as backwards and it was just a name that fit with the sound i felt in my head.
i wanted to make this cocooon-like egg-like music. ana seemed very much like
the sound of a cocoon or an egg to me.
and the 2 other women in my band really detested having their pictures taken
and in our stint on columbia records they really tried to force the other
2 members to look like me or me to tone myself down to look like them. they
could not see that we each had our own style. they wanted us to be triplets,
i guess. really fucking stupid and retarded of that record co. but they get
all weird like that, especially when you are an all female band.
so when i changed out name to ana,
I thought it could be like the band blondie where everyone called deborah
harry "blondie" even tho that was not her name but the bands name.
this would take the pressure off the rest of my bandmates to be in photos.
then the drummer decided she did not want to "go electronic" and
decided to leave.
and then because i had written all the parts and the bass player didn't play
anything else but bass, and i had played all her parts in the studio...and
she never did learn to play keyboards...she just faded away , too.
and so then i was by myself by default. since i was the only left in a band called "ana" i became ana.
but there was already an "ana" somewhere in south america so i could not have that name. then there was an "anna" in sweden so i could not just add an N.
so i had to have a last name for legal reasons.
i wanted something that was an "uma
thurman" type of name. something exotic and future and european...and
so the word voog came to my head as i like:
moog synthesizers
fluevog shoes
and there was some producer with the last name of 'froom" which i really
liked.
so i came up with voog.
i thought i made up the word but
when did a net search on it later on...
i found that it actaully was an estonian last name as well as a noun which
meant "a flow"
so i thought that was pretty cool and there you have it.
a pretty long involved story which is why i don't like to explain it very often :)
and i really feel it fits me well,
and it feel more like my "real" name since i am the one who made
it up and gave it to myself :)
but ana voog is not some persona that i made up.
it really is me...the real me.
i will eventually legally change my name to it by so far i have just been too lazy to do it.
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- Would you like to go on alone a voyage (don't mean flying somewhere
for a short vacation, I mean the real thing: travelling slowly for months,
from one place to the next, staying, seeing, learning)?
- What are the basic things you need, i.e. what would be there if you cancelled
everything you can do without?
- Do you deem physical intactness essential for yourself?
1. of course! but not if it meant leaving my boyfriend and dogs for a super super long time like 6 months or something
2. well, food shelter and clothing, obviously, and then my boyfriend and my dogs, and then a crochet hook and some yarn or a pencil and some paper, and my amitriptyline i take for my migraines (which i am having right now so it's not working so great today), and music cds and a walkman
3. by physical intactness do you mean the fact that i have my arms and my eyes etc? i think if i was not physical intact in some way, i would find a way to incoorporate that into myself.
-----------------------------
1. I've only seen your wonderful hats & photos -- do you create other types of visual art like paintings or drawings?
2. Do you do any type of formal physical exercise?
3. Would you be interested in being interviewed for a future issue of my art zine, Erraticus?
1. oh yes, i paint and
draw bigtime :) in fact, that is how i thought i'd make my money in life (besides
my band). and maybe i will someday :)
i just don't do it now because the kind of paintings i want to do would take
months to complete, and then i would not be able to part with it.
2. no, but i certainly should.
3. i would like that very much :)
----------------------------------
1. What one opportunity that you passed up do you feel most regretful about?
2. When things go poorly with ana2 and you consider what you would do if you shut it down, what work do you see yourself doing?
3. If you had the opportunity to make one short statement to the entire world (and they were all going to tune in to it, what theme do you think you would take? You don't have to write a speech or anything here, just wondering what subject you'd like to talk to the world about. :)
1. maybe not going to the mtv video music awards with the creator of sifl and oli. i've just always wanted to go to the video music awards soooo much (i know, i'm a dork).
2. well, i'm not going to shut it down :) things haven't gone THAT poorly :) but i would do the same thing as i am doing now..making art :)
3. i would talk about how love is the most important thing.
-----------------------------------
1.) Do you think that it is possible to achieve what people deem to be success without compromising your art/ideas/goals/beliefs???
2.) Do you ever write poetry?
3.) Am I ever going to get to meet you so I can give you a big hug and tell you how great I think you are in person? :):)
1. absolutely!
2. no, i'm not really into poetry. i did write poetry when i was younger (really
really baaaaad poetry).
:)
3. i hope so!
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1. Doesn't it suck when you have a doctor's appointment? (Followup question: Doesn't it suck when you then have to pee in a cup?)
2. What's your favorite city? (Followup question: What city do you think would be your favorite if you could ever go there?)
3. Pinkerton: Thugs or Weezer album? (Followup question: Rivers Cuomo with or without beard?)
1. yes and yes
----------------------------
1)I thought I read your father was a Pastor? If he was~ do you think
a structured religion helped your coping with life later on or did it hinder
it?
2)Do you consider yourself to be a spiritual person?
3)Briefly, what does the word "morality" mean to you?
thanks!
1. i don't think it helped nor hindered
2. absolutely
3. morality means not doing things you think are wrong
-----------------------------------
.)If you couldn't be making money from your art, what would you be doing now?
2.) What is your favorite movie ever?
3.) Do you think Kurt Cobain's death was a suicide?
1. jumping off a bridge or travelling
the world
2. bladerunner
3. yes, absolutely
------------------------------
1.what was your favorite cereal when you were a kid
2.do you have a bad habit
3.If you could go back in time where would you go
1. wheaties
2. being a slob
3. i'd go back to swinging london, 1966 and meet syd barrett!
----------------------------------
1) How is your achey neck/shoulder these days? (sneaky follow-up question
- what treatement, if any, did you go with?)
2) Who do you think will be in the top three on All Star Surviver?
3) Pick one - Hostess cupcake, Twinkie, HoHo or Zinger - and explain it's
merits to society as a whole (or why you like it best, whichever you prefer
:))
1. it's getting better and i didn't
use any treatment
2. mmm, i dunno. i think it will be 3 women. but i HOPE rupert makes it in
the top 3.
3. ho ho! chocolately creamy chemically goodness!
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1- if you had lots of money and never had to worry about it again what do you think you would be doing (anything different?)?
2- what's you favorite movie?
3- what happened to those little photo books, are you still going to send those or is it a lost cause?
1. i'd buy a house, take up gardening,
learn how to blow glass, and travel a lot. i would take lots of classes in
textiles and in the art of creating clothing.
i would get my house off the grid and totally eco friendly so i could show
the world how it is done so other people could do it, too. and i would get
more in tune with the earth. other than adding those things to my life, i
would do the same thing i do now, which is make art :)
2. bladerunner
3. by hell or highwater i will finish those dang things :)
--------------------------------
1. do you regret opening yourself to scrutiny?
2. what artists influenced your music?
3. when you create art, do you attempt to express an idea or create a mood?
1. absolutely not :)
2. way too many to name, but to name just a few, kate bush, the beatles, wire,
siouxie and the banshees, babes in toyland, xtc, the cure, the pretty things,
throwing muses, portishead, bach, the pandoras, the prisoners, bjork, pj harvey,
tori, madonna, curve, david bowie, i could go on and on and on...
3. sometimes yes, sometimes no
-------------------------------
1. What are the characteristics that are absolutely necessary for you
to fall in love with someone?
2. What was the one moment in your life when you felt you were most YOU?
3. What were you most afraid of when you were a little kid?
complex questions :)
1. a) be able to laugh at ones self.
be able to also laugh at the unspeakable tragedies of the universe, but also
aware enough to discern when laughing is not appropriate and when things are
NOT funny. b) to be able to own own faults and mistakes and apologize when
necessary c) to not expect perfection and to have a reasonable amount of patience
when things are imperfect d) to admit to loving ones self wholely and completely,
without shame or apology or fake humility d) to always strive to be just and
fair and give a good try to see things from the other person's perspective
e) to call bullshit when one sees it in a frank and fair way. f) to realize
that we are more than our physical bodies g) to embrace, inspect, or at least
have a sense of humour about the aging process h) must call himself or herself
a feminist, absolutely i) isn't afraid to announce in public a love for things
"uncool" i) a balance between immediate satisfaction and delayed
gratification j) a good listener k) to know that
god" is all things l) to see the beauty in small things m) to be grateful
for what one has n) not afraid to cry or kiss in public n) has strong sense
of identity...will not confuse him/herself with others and vice versa o) knows
an appropriate release for negative emotions p) is able to set goals and achieve
them, but is flexible and able to let go of goals unfinished that may not
serve a purpose anymore. and if goals are not achieved doesn't beat ones self
up about it. just picks up and tries again...but not to the point of stupidity
q) not a martyr/victim/whiner..but if one becomes one for a short period of
time, is able to just let go of it and move on r) not afraid to show and speak
about weaknesses s) doesn't play mind games like passive aggression. doesn't
"test" another person. s) not stingey with money t) must like animals!
but must, more importantly, must love my dogs and understand that they are
my children u) must be kind and gentle but also not afraid to let his/her
animalistic side come out to play when appropriate v) a voracious appetite
to explore sexuality and sensuality in a monogamous way w) is able to let
me be me and all that entails and love me FOR it not in spite of it x) brings
out the best in me. i feel more "me" when i am around this person.
they are the impetus for me to discover new parts of myself. they inspire
me to new heights of personal discovery y) can take me and fully support me
(emotionally, spiritually) when i am the biggest shining being of the universe
and not get jealoud or paranoid but is also just as readily available to let
me be small when i need to be and tuck me into their pocket like a tiny creature
x) has a separate life from me so that when i need to go away and be by myself,
s/he is not lost y) helps me discover new things z) isn't afraid to tell me
when i fuct up (in a loving way) z) must be comfortable seeing a "girly"
movie with me and ok with my crying through it.
ok, i will start a -z again:
a) must like to give oral sex b)
must love music except for southern fried rock
c) must treasure me d) must have the guts to stand up for me if i am being
bullied and i require backup d) must not be homophobic, sexist or racist e)
must have a healthy balance between being a slob and being orderly f) must
be willing to try new things
g) must be able to be awed and humbled h) must be be aware and respectful
of bounderies
i) must realize they don't know everything j) must love me!
ok, i'll stop here since i think i might be able to go on and on all night...
2. What was the one moment in your
life when you felt you were most YOU?
3. What were you most afraid of when you were a little kid?
i dunno, i am usually so excruciatingly painfully ridicuously self aware that
i have always felt like me most times. the exception to that would be maybe
the last 3 years where i didn't feel like me at all and was totally lost.
and that was bizarre and surreal.
maybe when i am walking on the beach and scavenging for treasure i feel the
most me.
i think i was most afraid of not being grounded or having some sort of center , as a child. i would freak out at slumber parties and have to be taken home in the middle of the night.
-------------------------
1. if you could answer any question, what would your question and answer
be?
(i don't know if that counts as two)
2. what is/are your favorite book/s of all time?
3. what is something i don't know about you but probably should?
1. Q. do you feel things, experience
things as i do?
A. no, i do not, I am me and my experience is different than yours is. so
do not attempt to judge me.
2. all the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy books, and all the books by seth/jane roberts.
3. i don't know you well enough to know if there is anything you aren't picking up about me that you should :)
---------------
1- What is one of your most fond memories of being a child?
2- why is bladerunner your favorite movie? (it's my boy's fav too)
3- what is your boyfriend like? I didn't even know you had one until i read
some of your answers to the questions!
1. maybe when i was less than a year old, i loved to line up all my marbles in the sunlight. when i envision that still, it calms me :)
2. there is something or many things about that movie that feel like home to me. and like rachael in that movie, i know what it feels like to not be IN the business but BE the business. and the lighting, sets, clothing are so beautiful. i love the dichotomy of the old mixing in with the new. i love decay and futurism.
3. i've been going out with him for
over 6 years now :)
he is too complex to explain, so he shall have to remain a mystery :)
-------------------------------------
1. Do you still have times when you find people to be sketchy from online? I mean..that makes you uncomfortable that you open yourself up to the universe in this manner.
2. Do you still have a good relationship with tori and that whole adventure?
3. If you could get any other dog to add to your beings.. which kind would it be?
1. oh yes, in fact i am much more
hesitant to open up to people than i ever have been. i don't trust people
anymore to be kind or good or to actually be the people i think they are anymore
like i used to. whether that is sad and tragic or smart and realistic, i'm
not sure.
2. we've kind of faded away and lost touch, sadly
3. a chinese crested :)