april 13th, 2004
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10:16pm

my belly is full of nyquil. i wish i had a xanax instead.
i didn't even feel well enough to crochet today. all i could do is stare at tv and type.
i can't get my temperature right. i am either too hot to too cold.
i opened my window again and it is the smell of burning leaves.
it smells and feels just like fall.
my head hurts and my period is on full force now.
i look forward to the thunderstorms that are supposed to happen later this week.
i also look forward to being well for my birthday this weekend!
it's a crazy school week for jason. lots of papers he needs to write and stuff so i do not see much of him.
but he did buy me a tv dinner and a coke and came to hug me for a tiny bit.
i miss him.

8:43pm

the press conference

i am astounded at the level of arrogance, detachment, narcissism, and emptiness the president displayed tonight on tv. what a huge pile of deflecting with pussyfooting soundbites that amounts to a whole crock of exploding shit.

does anyone else see how he seriously cannot grasp the level of pain he has caused? he is incapable of sympatizing or empathizing. he is beyond detached from the true death and destruction he has caused. i've never seen a person look more hollow and detached when they talk about "the death of the loved one". he doesn't care and he doesn't care to try to care. i can't believe that one single family could possibly find any consolation in his pathetic dry exoskeleton of sentences.

i look at him and all i see is emptiness. it's beyond emptiness.
if you told me he was a robot, i would believe you. he IS a robot programmed to spit out certain sentences when he hears certain keywords.

it's like the stepford wives. it's creepy. it's evil.
it's dangerous. and it's terrifying.

the scariest moment was when one reporter asked him what mistakes he may have made, how he would perhaps do things differently in retrospect, and most importantly, what has he learned from this whole experience.
and he just shifted and said he wished he had had that question beforehand so he could think of an answer and then he just went on a tangent about weapons of mass destruction or something and then he realized he went off track and came back and then just tried to turn on some southern charm to get out if it and he went to the next question.

he has learned NOTHING. this man is not human. he is not even alive. he is just a hollow exoskeleton doing stupid human tricks on tv.

7:53pm

money spent:

6.25 on beverages (it's always the beverages)
and 24.50 on xanax at one of those online pharmacies.
i hope i actually recieve it and don't get ripped off.
don't worry, i'm not going to take xanax everyday. i just want some for those horrible emergency days when i'm freaking out. like when that whole thing with my mom was happening, it would have been so helpful to have a couple on hand. i figure i'll take 2 a month at the very most.

6:57pm

i'm going to watch happy science shows on PBS now :)

i still haven't eaten anything today. i'm not hungry for anything.
but i should force myself to eat something soon.

6:41pm

this 911 hearing thing is such a pointless joke, imo.
if you look at the facts, the government or somebody who controls our government wanted this to happen. even orchestrated the entire thing. why? who the hell knows. but, to me, it's obvious.
one of the biggest things that points to this, imo, is that the 2nd plane was not stopped. that 2nd plane was in the air for about 45 minutes after the 1st plane hit, and we couldn't stop it? puh-LEEZE.

and i can't bear to see one more of those stupid mud slinging commercials between bush and kerry *gag*
they both are members of skull and bones.
it's like giving us the option of heads or tails but, in the end, it's the same coin.

i wish i had any faith in politics. but i don't. i have zero faith in any of it. to me it's all one big lie/game/joke. all of it, and i mean ALL of it makes me sick.

i am disengaging from it all.

 

4:58pm

i feeeeeeeeeelllll like shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. :(
eyes burning. stomache gurgling. throat hurting. feelings of ickyness all over my body. no energy.

i want my house clean.

3:34pm

 

i feel almost apologetic and embarrassed that now i have a cold. which is just ridiculous.
i feel bad that you have had to hear me complain about my neck and now i have a cold. it sucks.
but that is life and there is nothing i can do about it.

and my potato plant is dieing (is that how you spell dieing? that doesn't loook right.) it must need a bigger pot to grow in. and my garlic sprouts are not sprouting anymore. i really suck at growing plants. but it makes me so happy to try.

 

3:24pm

yep. i've got a cold and a sore throat. argh.

4:13am

yep. i'm getting a cold. it is worsening each hour.
i'm so happy about my neck getting better and now i'm getting a cold?
how fair is that? it's not fair at all. going out amongst all those people, inhaling all that second hand smoke did it's number on me. grrrr.
maybe when i wake up tomorrow (later on today) i hope i will find out this is just allergies and not a cold.
please universe let that be the case. because i reeeeeaaaallllly want to be healthy and feel energetic and be able to move freely with no pain and just get stuff done in my life and go out and enjoy spring weather. ok? is that too much to ask universe? no, it is not.

1:19am

my neck is finally getting a little bit better. i'm not in constant pain now.
but it still feels very sore, especially if i sit in my bed. so i still sit on the floor as much as a can deal with doing so.
here is the hat i am working on so far. it has taken me forever because to crochet caused me pain. actually doing anything at all caused me pain. but now i can finally work on it again for short periods of time.
i'll be lucky if i get 10 hats done for this show instead of the 20 i was aiming for. oh well.

i don't know what to call this hat yet. maybe the multitube hat. or the multi tube pring hat.
or maybe the sun queen hat. i just don't know.

my mom and i have managed to keep a civil low key email chit chat going for about a week now which is a record for us.

i'm feeling a little rubdown now so i took a bunch of echinacea and vitamins.
maybe i caught something when i was out in that extremely smokey bar seeing squarepusher.
my hair still smells like cigarettes and i do not look forward to washing my hair with all this velvet in it.
but it's going to be 70 degrees on wednesday and so it won't be as bad to have my hair wet then.
although i will probably wash my hair today because i just can't deal with tit smelling like cigarettes.

ohmigod what a seriously fascinating journal entry!

i wrote jennifer from jennicam an email today and it bounced back to me :( i have her phone number written down somewhere on a piece of paper somewhere in my house. i hope i find it because it would be sad to lose touch with her.

money spent lately:

$50.00 on parking and drinks the other night (good grief)
3.75 on pop the other day
6.50 on pop and chips today

i hope i don't get a cold.
i don't know what is up with me barely having my period for the last week.
is this my period or is it some sort of pre-period stress induced mistake?
my body is obviously very out of sorts lately.
i need to eat better, take more vitamins, and get out for walks and hopefully all this body weirdness will sort itself out.

i'm glad my neck is getting better without me having to spend several hundred bucks on a doctor.

and my friend carolyn is going to give me a free deep tissue massage cause she wants to try out new techniques on me. i'm her guinea pig.