march 23rd, 2004

thank you everyone for your support!

sorry i am so freaking out of it!

11:47pm

hohow many hours have been up now? 36 hours again or more? i do not know, but i am going to try to go to bed now. i get nervous to go to bed at night lately because i scared of nightmares and that awful sleep paralysis thing.
and i can't go to bed without coast to coast on.

i'm such a freak. i was so wrapped up in the finale of america's next top model tonight. i was actually nervous and sweating before they announced the winner, and when they announced who won, i cried.
but you know, i cry at EVERYTHING these days. it doesn't take much. and my fave model won! i was so happy. yoanna. she was the one who reminded me most of me, and i guess we all sort of root for "ourselves" in a way on these things, eh? and she wanted it the most. also, i guess i live vicariously through it since i would have loved to be a model, but was way too short. i am also too short to be an airline pilot, another job i would have perhaps liked to do. BEFORE 911, that is.

i guess, in a way, i was a model in this lifetime. but hey, i wanna be Americas Next Top Model, dammit!

yoanna, tho, what a stunning beauty and she sincerely seems like a nice person to boot! (kill me, i love reality tv...but i'm a camgirl so...there you have it)

i'll just sit here and watch her as i age.

man, i was looking in the mirror tonight and i had NEW WRINKLES!
have you ever noticed how wrinkles don't really slowly evolve, they just all of a sudden are THERE? (i can't remember what age any of you are)
this is what happens to me. i knew i had felt i had aged 10 years in the last week.
it seems i will not age for the longest time and then over a matter of days here and there i will just make this big leap in the aging process. does that happen to you?

i am also freaked on this entire skin changing texture thing. when i thought of aging i thought of wrinkles and grey hair. you know, something distinguished like a cool old indian.

but this new skin texture thing. what IS that? like my skin is getting all soft in a not good way.
like a really fine suede, the kind you would polish your car with. i mean, could be worse, right? that doesn't sound half bad when i explain it like that. but it's creepy to me because i would always notice this very different skin texture on old people when i was younger and now it is happening to me.

and like my feet are TOTALLY changing texture. and a few of my toenails are getting thicker. too much info, right? i gotta keep that sexy image (ya, right as i sit like the slob of the earth in my pjs all day).
i remember old people always having thicker toenails and i was all "what is UP with that? ick" *valleygirl mode on, and yes i'm old enough to have been a real valleygirl...am i actually BRAGGING about this?..heck why not...gag me with a spoon* (why am i talking to myself?)
i am also noticing a few of those really whispy veins on my leg that i remember my mom having.

i can see my hand getting older, too. not too much yet, but i can see it happening.


and my skin is just LOOSER. is that because i stretched it out a bit when i was 20 pounds fatter? is my skin gonna snap back? why do i get the feeling the answer to that is no?

and my face is shifting down. way a lot more down. my sinuses are lower.
it's making me look very very old on cam when there is a certain lighting at a certain angle.

i'm totally getting a face lift at 40 maybe. i don't ever want to look like a TOTAL freak like joan rivers.
i'm not going to go down that route. i'm definitely going to get older looking in a more laurie anderson way. (she is my model for this aging thing, because she looks like a man, and we are conditioned to to think men look cooler as they get older. i don't have the energy to fight against this condition. i'm just going to beat this aging double standard by doing what laurie does, and just become a man).

but with a bit of plastic surgery thrown in there...ya...just a bit. you betcha. i'm not going down without a BIT of a fight, y'know?

but as soon as i realized more fully that i only have to be really old for a few decades (then i get to die and have whatever kind of body i want to conjure up...that's my belief for NOW...don't rain on my new age parade), and then it's not so bad. it;s not like i don't die and then i'm stuck with an old body forever! nah. no way. and a few decades is not so bad.
that is pretty temporary.

but ya, this recent bout of momville really made me age. i could feel it as it was happening.
i should have taken a better effort to prevent that, but, you know, i just didn't have the energy to concentrate on that.

but hey, i still have my ass and my breasts aren't really going anywhere. ha!
i fooled YOU mother nature! (oh, wait, i didn't bah...)
they are shifting a bit more down on my body, tho, but this was a good thing since they were too high up on my body before. it all works out.

you luck out because i'm sure to have a sort of midlife crisis soon (aren't i going through that now? haven't i been going through that my entire life?) when i will need to prove to everyone of the world that i am still "sexy" and i've still "got it".
oh wait, i already did that just the other day with the asspix.
well, there'll be more of that, i'm sure.
i better get my mileage out of this body while i still can.

my god, i sound like a cranky old man. oh wait, i AM a cranky old man.

no wait, i've just been up for maybe 40 hours and i need to sleep.

ok, gotta go. it was nice to type about this and get my mind off my mom for just a minute. oh argh, i just mentioned my mother. curses.

 

 

10:56pm

the next installment of emails i sent my mother today:

mom, the reason i am rehashing is this is because you keep asking me why i "banished" you.
if you know the reason then WHY do you keep asking me why i wouldn't talk to you?
and if you are sorry for what you have done then why do you keep saying that i have not been fair to you and i haven't given you a fair hearing and my "terms" have not accomodated you...everything i just talked about?

if you have heard me and understood what i am saying, then why are you saying these things to me?
i am very confused!

+++

i know you are not trying to trick me or deceive me. i know you are not trying to destroy me.
i have never said those things. i know you are not doing anything intentional. i never said those things.

all i want is to be seen and heard. to truly KNOW that you have understood what i said.
and i need to KNOW , beyond a shadow of a doubt, that i have been TRULY understood by you.
that is absolutely ESSENTIAL for me in order to have a relationship with you or move on in any way.
that is just the way i am and the way it is.

and so i am trying really really hard to explain myself again to you, so that i can be heard and understood.

i'm not trying to rehash these things for my health here. do you think i WANT to rehash this?
i'd rather eat burning coals.

but when you say things to be like i have not given you a fair trial and that my terms have not accomodated anything you need...
well, that makes me feel that you have not heard me or understood what i have been saying...
because if you had understood, then you would not be saying these things to me currently

can you see how i could come to that conclusion?

+++

and no there is no undercurrent of anything else here.
please, don't read into this more than there is.
i am telling you EVERthing and have ALWAYS told you everything.

yet, for some reason, you have always chosen not to believe me and take my word for it.

you have always tried to gain "insight" into me by looking for it everywhere else.
trying to figure it out from the net or google or your friends or thinking i have hidden it in some journal entry that you try to uncover.

but when i tell you straight out what the deal is...why is it you don't just take my word for it?
it would have saved you SO MUCH trouble.
it would have saved years.

i don't understand this. i don't understand why you look everywhere for insight into me and when i give it to you, you reject it or push it away or think there must be some other hidden thing. why don't you believe me?

it's maddening to me.

and i'm still trying to understand why it is you kept trying to contact me when i begged for you to stop?
it was just desperation? is that truly it? just that one thing?
i'm sorry to keep asking this but i am still just really baffled by it.

if contacting me was like throwing a rock at me...how did throwing yet another rock at me make you think i would start to wanting you to throw rocks at me?
and if you were devastated at me saying i would get a court order on you...
why did you contact me even after that?

it was truly some sort of desperation? or..?
am i supposed to be flattered that you loved me so much you just wouldn't ever stop throwing rocks at me?

did you say that you saw it as an act of love?

i'm sorry to be rehashing this, i'm not trying to piss you off or anything...
i just really really am still trying to truly understand what that was about because it hurt me more deeply than anything anyone has ever done to me ever.

and in order for me to even start to feel safe around you again, i have to understand this more fully.

the thing that scared me was when we were in the psychologists office and when this question was asked of you again you got really angry and blurted out that the reason you continued to contact me was that was because "you are the mother. and your love knows no bounds"

and that answer, scared the crap out of me. and i am still just bothered to the core by it.

and you also then turned to her and asked her , "that wasn't really abuse , was it?"

so...i am conflicted by you saying on one hand that you understand what i am saying...
but only a few months ago in the office, you were saying things such as that.

and so i am scared. and i am just really trying to make sure to get to the bottom of this with at least 99% certainty.

i wouldn't ask you these things and bring these things up if i didn't NEED to.
i'm not saying any of this to be mean or rub anything in.

i am really truly trying to understand this and get things clear.
because i need to

+++

mom, there have always been people attacking my site, but this has nothing to do with you and me.
not until you believed the stuff you read about me on the internet.
and when **** started being a shit to me and tried to drag me into it.

but there were not dark forces around me telling me bad things about you.

i DID hate you. i hated you beyond measure. that is true!
but not because anyone told me to hate you or because of anything that anyone was saying about you.

but i also still loved you, too!

it was because you had said horrible things to me like i promote rape , etc. THAT made me hate you. and you wouldn't leave livejournal, THAT made me hate you. and you wouldn't stop contacting me even tho i begged and pleaded and cried and screamed and yelled for you to stop.
THAT made me hate you.

so yes, that is where my ranting came from. absolutely.

no one was confusing me except for you. no one was trying to make me hate you.

then, as a separate issue altogether, i have the subhumans attacking me saying thing like i am on drugs or whatever it was they were saying.
but that is a separate issue entirely...until you believed it...where it then became a tangled mess.

and please please answer this question because i really need you to...

why did it take dad to tell you that your contacts were causing me extreme anxiety?
why did you not believe it when *I* said it to you?

this is another thing that has really confused and hurt me in that you don't seem to believe much i have said to you in the past when *I* have said it.
but when other people say it to you, THEN you would listen.

why is that?

+++

wouldn't all my screaming and panicing have clued you in to the fact that what you were doing was causing me to exceptionally freak out?
i'm going to have to go back and reread everything i've written to you during that time.
because i am still really confused about this part.

and mom, i had just written this very huge reeeaaalllly long email to you about how i never wanted to hear from you again..
and then you wrote back and asked me if i would like some raspberries.

THAT is why i freaked out on you.

i was like HELLO? i just told me to leave me the f--- alone forever and you write back and ask me if i want some raspberries and then you told me to "drop you a note sometime"

and i found that bizarre, to say the least.

and i have already explained that to you now. this is the 3rd time i am now explaining to you about the raspberries thing.
i hope you understand now about the raspberries thing.

the reason i was using such harsh language with you is because you just weren't getting the message about how truly upset i was and how i very very very much wished that you would leave me alone. i was at my WITS end! so i used the harshest language that i could possibly come up with so that you would FINALLY hear me and get the message. but even THAT did not get through to you.

i was seriously at my wits end. i didn't know how else i could possibly show you just how seriously upset i was. nothing was working. i couldn't get you to hear me or understand me no mater what language i used. no matter how i put and no matter how many times i put it.

so as my last resort i just decided to try swearing at you as much as humanly possible in hopes that it would make you go "hey, maybe she MEANS it this time!"

+++

everytime you have criticized me i have taken the time out to explain to you in great detail why it is i feel i have been criticized by you.

have i not done that?

+++

if you had just respected me enough to leave me alone, i would have eventually come back to you.
if you had given me the time and space to heal, like i begged, i would have been able to heal and come back...
and we both wouldn't have had this much pain
just so you know, for whatever that is worth to you

i'm sorry you felt so terrible at that time and were so confused

+++

if someone says "leave me the fuck alone!" and then the person answers with "drop me a note sometime. want some raspberries?"

that DID seem like derangement to me. i was seriously creeped out. it was like jack nicholson from the shining to me smiling and going "here's johnny!".

i'm sorry mom, but that WASN'T love. maybe it was also not derangement but it was NOT love.
it couldn't possibly when you knew perfectly well how terribly upset i would be at that.
how that just crushed my spirit and made me feel like a worthless piece of shit to you.
that nothing i said mattered to you. i felt like i was nothing to you.
it crushed me and ripped my heart into a million pieces. i was devastated by that.

i was down on the floor begging and pleading you like some cornered animal for you to please for the love of god leave me alone.
and all you could say back was would i like some raspberries and that i should drop you a note sometime.
that just ripped me to shreds. i was never more invisible and worthless to you as after that email..
that was NOT LOVE. and you are fooling yourself to think that was love.
that was desperation. that was trying to avoid reality at all costs. that was ...something...but it wasn't love.
i don't think you will ever be able to be convince me of that. at least not today.
maybe you have rationalized that as love, deluded yourself that is love, because maybe it is too painful for you to realize that it wasn't.
i don't know. i am only making a wild guess.

but just because you say something nice does NOT make it love. love is SEEING me. love is not HURTING another.
love is respecting another's bounderies.

i was like a cornered animal scared out of my mind begging and crying, on the floor begging.

if you love a person you will leave a person alone if they beg and plead and cry like that. i told you exactly what i needed. and you said, "screw you! you need raspberries because *I* want to give you raspberries!".
THAT is bad spirits. THAT is chaos. THAT is dark forces.
and you need to see that. i NEED you to SEE that.

i can't talk about this any more today. at least not now.
i am just way too upset and exhausted now.
i am spent. i am crying. i am exhausted.
i can't take any more of this at this moment.


i'm sorry if i have now pissed you off again this is really hard for me.

i truly am sorry that i am upset and angry and sad now.
i cannot help it.
i'm trying so hard to keep calm here.
but i haven't slept all night long and i've barely eaten again.
i'm a wreck.
i need to go lay down or something

i'm sorry it was killing you
i'm sorry you were in pain
i' m sorry you were in confusion.
i'm sorry i needed time away from you but i couldn't help it.
it's not my fault i needed time away.
it's just the way i am and i cannot help that i needed time away.
i wasn't trying to do it to punish you or make you angry with me.
i just needed time away
and i needed a long time away.

you knew if you wrote me one short sentence that all hell would break loose again. you HAD to know.

+++

yet you still say:
"I had heard you say fuck off, before I offered a wish I could bring you raspberries,of course I heard it. It was one of those screaming rales again. I left you alone for a bit and then it was another attempt to reach you. You weren't the only one lying psyhologically injured on the floor! I was devestated again by your lanuage against me.I was wrong to try. When someone gets a letter that is full of foulness that says fuck off over and over, and the other gets one that says I'd like to give you some raspberries i wonder which is more harming?"

if you have to actually wonder if you did harm in saying that sentence, then you aren't hearing or understanding anything i am saying.

judging from what i have told you and what you have witnessed, what HARM have YOU seen from making that statement?
have you seen ANY harm? do you think that statement harmed me and then did it, in turn, harm you?
what has been your experience with that and what i have i told you my experience is with it and that i am STILL experiencing the pain you made from that statement. can you see the harm?
can you SEE that i am STILL , even to this very day having severe pain from the harm of that statement?

and can you see that , in return, it is boomeranging to also harm you? harm us?

can you see at all how making a statement like that in the context of everything is STILL harming? like an echo that will never die?

we are STILL trying to make it through the muck of you saying that and you have to WONDER if it did any harm??

are you hearing or understanding me??

it doesn't matter the words that were said. it is the CONTEXT.
it is the way those words, in one fell swoop, caused me to feel like the biggest worthless most invisible piece of shit on the planet.
it was the way those words made me feel SCARED and HURT, as i keep having to explain to you.

do you NOT see the HARM that you did in saying that to me?
are you just going to remain blind to this?

i need you to see that that statement was as horrible and vicious and diminishing to me.

you could have made ANY statement , ANY statement at all, practically, and it would have had the exact same effect.
because i TOLD you that when you contacted me and did not leave me alone you were causing me SEVERE pain of the worst degree i have EVER experienced in this lifetime.
the mere fact that you would NOT stop contacting me even tho i told you it was causing me pain is ENOUGH.
it doesn't MATTER if the words were nice. it doesn't matter if the words were the most beautiful things the angels have ever heard. it would not have mattered if you had said you were sorry or that you loved me!

the sheer fact that you kept contacting me at ALL was causing me the most intense and horrible pain i have EVER experienced in this lifetime.

and the fact that you did not CARE about this made it even WORSE!

do you know why i am still experiencing pain over that statement?

it's because you STILL will not wake up the the fact that you were not caring how i feel. that you were not seeing how i felt. i don't even know what is going through your head for you not to see this.

it's the CONTEXT, mom, NOT the words! it's the ACTION that was taken , not the words that were said.
the ACTION that was taken. an action that i told you time and time again that if you did, it would cause me pain.

yet you did NOT care at ALL about this. because your state of desperation and your fear of abandonment (or whatever your reasoning was to just keep on violently ignoring my bounderies) ECLIPSED any care you might have that over how your actions were obviously making me feel.

you contacted me again because you wanted to do something to make YOU feel better.
not because you wanted to make ME feel better. and that is NOT love.

i felt the OPPOSITE of love when you did that. and i feel the OPPOSITE of love when you continue to try and diminish the importance of this key issue here when you say that what you did caused less harm than me swearing at you.
i feel absolutely NO love from you when you do this.
i hope that is clear to you finally. i have said this so many times to you now.
when you did that to me the OPPOSITE of love. PLEASE BELIEVE ME.

i do not feel loved when you do these things. i feel the opposite of love. the extreme opposite.
does that do harm? what do you think?

you HAD to know how contacting me would make me feel.
because i clearly expressed to you in clear language how i would feel if you contacted me.
you knowingly, willingly, and in full conscious mode knew EXACTLY how i would feel. you HAD to know.if you can understand and read english there is no possible human way you could not.

that wasn't about raspberries, or love, or trying to make me feel loved or feel better in any way whatsoever.
i NEED you to really see and understand this. i really really do. this is the KEY, this is the SYMBOL to EVERYTHING that is wrong between us right now. so you HAVE to understand this now. i really NEED you understand this.

IF you had understood it , yet, you would have NEVER said:
"and the other gets one that says I'd like to give you some raspberries i wonder which is more harming?"

i really need you to understand this, because if you do not, you ARE going to repeat this , i'm afraid.
and i'm NOT going to be around a person who is going to repeat something like that.
it was the action, NOT the words.

when i said that when you did not respect my bounderies it was like throwing a rock at me,
it's not going to make it ANY better or hurt any LESS if you wrap your rock in happy thoughts and good intentions about raspberries before you throw it at me.
and it's not even going to help you have have the best of intentions and don't MEAN to hurt me by throwing a rock at me.
it's still a rock! you still thew it at me! and furthermore i let you know in no uncertain terms HOW that would hurt me if you threw it at me.
it's still a rock, you still took the action of throwing it at me and THAT is what counts.
i hope you can understand that analogy. i hope you aren't thinking this is somehow "crazy talk" because i am using an analogy.

i know that you said you are sorry about this. and i thank you for that.
but in that VERY same email (that i am replying to now) you also said:
"and the other gets one that says I'd like to give you some raspberries i wonder which is more harming?"

which makes me KNOW, without any shadow of a doubt ,that you aren't saying you are sorry for what i NEED you to say you are sorry for.
i NEED you to understand this point. this is THEE most important point to me so i hope you are not going to brush this email off now by throwing your hands figuratively in the air and saying to me "what do you want me to do?"

i am TELLING you clearly now what i need from you and it's not hard nor complicated.
i NEED you to UNDERSTAND that it was the CONTEXT and the ACTION, not the words that were said to me that did the damage.
and i need you to get this so i can take at least ONE step towards you that is not in complete fear, on my part, that you are bound to continue doing that to me.
because if you can't see this, then you can't ever stop it from happening again.
and if i cannot be certain , at least somewhat , that you are not going to repeat that, then i cannot even take one single tiny baby step towards trusting you again.

THIS is what i need from you. please don't throw your hand up in the air now and say something dismissive to me.
that would hurt me so much. please, i really need you to dig deep and see this and understand this very crucial point.

and you said:
"First of all I never said, "screw you, you need raspberries because I want to give you raspberries."

but yes, you did by your ACTION.
because what i TOLD you, begged of you, pleaded with you, exactly what it was that i needed desperately from you, which was to leave me alone. but you didn't. you chose to completely ignore what i desperately needed and instead gave me either what you THOUGHT i needed, what you thought i SHOULD need, or else what YOU needed by offering me raspberries.

can you understand this now?

here is another analogy, because i am trying so desperately hard for you to understand this.

say i am a plant that desperately needs water, and without it, i will soon die.
and i tell you this and you say, "aha! i will give you boiling coffee!"
and i say" no please, do not give me boiling coffee because that will kill me, what i need is water!"
and you say, "aha! i will now you give you boiling coffee! here it is!"
and then i scream and cry and curse you from the pain of the boiling coffee and i almost die.
and then you wonder "how did this happen? i do not understand! and what kind of abuse was that i received for my delicious cup of boiling coffee! how unfair! i do not deserve this kind of yelling when i go out of my way to serve you a delicious cup of boiling coffee! why are you wilting and screaming at me? my coffee is the best in all the land! i gave you coffee because *I* love coffee and it works for me! i gave you coffee because i LOVE you! excuse me for trying to do something NICE."

and i say to you, "please do not do that again, because i do not thrive on coffee. what i need is water or i will surely die!
and boiling coffee on my leaves will hurt and kill me! please, if you pour boiling coffee on me anymore, i am going to scream and cry and if you do it again, you must surely hate me and want me to die since i have told you now that it will kill me!"

and then the next day this repeats all over again.
and i'm screaming and crying from the boiling coffee and you are just pouring coffee on me over and over and over,.
and you say, "i do not understand where this rage is coming from! why are you abusing me with your curse words? how dare you yell at me when i am giving you my best ever pot of coffee i have ever made! and i made it because i LOVE you! here! have some more boiling coffee! and stop abusing me with your yelling!"

and in the end, you tell me that you are sorry, but you also wonder. hmm, i wonder what did more harm...all that yelling or a delicious cup of coffee that i made because i love you? coffee can't do much harm because coffee is delicious!

this is EXACTLY as i see it.
this is EXACTLY how nonsensical and tragic this is when you do this.

 

 


1:05pm

well, now she is writing some slightly better emails.
up down up down up down up down....
the rollercoaster ride continues.

time for me to get off this ride soon...

i guess i will just try to stay up all day again and hope to go to bed at 9pm and try to , once again, get my life on a better sleeping schedule....

and tonight is the finale of america's next top model.
and thank the universe for shallow things like that on days like this.

 

12:15pm

well, my mom just wrote me back the most typical and disapointing email.
of course i knew it would be, and i tried so hard to brace myself for it.
but i can't help but be broken hearted anyway.
and fo course she always knows what to say to totally confuse me and make me question myself
and deflect everything back, and not answer any question i had and somehow make me feel like i am somehow the very mean daughter.
and this is so bitter this time because it felt like MAYBE just MAYBE i could have my REAL mom back.
that maybe just maybe this time would be different and she truly WAS sorry and was having compassion for me and truly SAW me maybe.
just so so so close...and yet....just not even anywhere near to being close enough to touch it at all.
or have it again.
i am so confused. she seems to almost get it...and then...the curtains all come tumbling down again and i am feeling just...confused. like a hit and run. like i've just been so totally played. and i question everything....what do i see? what was it i thought i saw? did i have a line of thought there that now is gone? what is my history? what is going on? what is happening? am *I* the evil one? who.am.i
was there something i was trying to say? i don't even know anymore...

 

11:02am

 

 

10:38am

i'm sorry i haven't been making pictures lately and that all you see is me sleeping during odd hours. i'm having a bit of a difficult time lately, as you know. things will get back to "normal" eventually. and i'm hoping that "eventually" means VERY VERY soon. because i need that to be so and so will make it so as soon as i possibly can manage that.

9:12am

still didn't go to bed. was wound up from my mom...

and now the construction begins....

so loud i cannot sleep.

this is hell.

 

6:39am

something i did to lighten my mood:

The Food Meme


(taken from creatrix777, damn you! :)

What's the last thing you ate?
--cold pepperoni and black olive pizza and a fanta

What's your favourite cheese?
--smoked gouda

What's your favourite fish?
--salmon

What's your favourite fruit?
--cherries!

When, if ever, did you start liking olives?
--i've always loved olives :)

When, if ever, did you start liking beer?
--when i went to england when i was 18 and i finally had beer the way it was meant to be!

When, if ever, did you start liking shellfish?
--i've always LOVED it

What was the best thing your mum/dad/guardian used to make?
--lasagne

What's the native specialty of your home town?
--hotdish!

What's your comfort food?
--mashed potatoes

What's your favourite type of chocolate?
--anything dark

How do you like your steak?
--medium

How do you like your burger?
--medium

How do you like your eggs?
--over medium

How do you like your potatoes?
--mashed or baked

How do you take your coffee?
--lots of sugar and cream. but i especially need the cream.

How do you take your tea?
--with cream

What's your favourite mug?
--my knockers the klown mug!

What's your biscuit or cookie of choice?
--i prefer donuts!

What's your ideal breakfast?
--it depends. it could be an omlette, or it could be french toast or pancakes :)

What's your ideal sandwich?
--peanut butter and banana

What's your ideal pizza (topping and base)?
--all veggie with pesto :)

What's your ideal pie (sweet or savory)?
--blueberry

What's your ideal salad?
--a REAL caesar salad with anchovies! or greek

What food do you always like to have in the fridge?
--coke, eggs, fruit, bread

What food do you always like to have in the freezer?
--i'm just happy if i have food in my freezer at all :)

What food do you always like to have in the cupboard?
--kippers, noodles

What spices can you not live without?
--salt, pepper

What sauces can you not live without?
--soy sauce, tobasco

Where do you buy most of your food?
--simon delivers, whole foods, or super america

How often do you go food shopping?
--every few days

What's the most you've spent on a single food item?
--hmm, i don't know. nothing too frighteningly expensive. a lobster, i suppose. maybe that was 20 bucks?

What's the most expensive piece of kitchen equipment you own (excluding 'white goods')?
--i have a juicer but it was given to me.

What's the last piece of equipment you bought for your kitchen?
--i can't remember. maybe a toaster years ago?

What piece of kitchen equipment could you not live without?
--does the microwave count? either that or the can opener.

How many times a week/month do you cook from raw ingredients?
--it depends on how rich i feel from month to month

What's the last thing you cooked from raw ingredients?
--i usually don't cook it, i just eat it raw

What meats have you eaten besides cow, pig and poultry?
--well, all the fish and shellfish, lamb, buffalo, i might have had elk, and just the other day i had wild boar

What's the last time you ate something that had fallen on the floor?
--i can't remember

What's the last time you ate something you'd picked in the wild?
--i don't know if i have ever had that experience :(

Place in order of preference (greatest to least): Italian, Indian, Thai, Sushi, French, Chinese.
--sushi, indian, chinese, thai, french (only because i have not had that much french food to know yet), italian

Place in order of preference: Vodka, Gin, Tequila, Dark Rum, Light Rum, Brandy, Whiskey.
--brandy, dark rum, light rum, whiskey, vodka, gin and i would never drink tequila

Place in order of preference: Garlic, Basil, Lime, Ginger, Mint, Caramel, Aniseed.
--ginger, lime, basil, garlic, mint, aniseed, caramel

Place in order of preference: Pineapple, Banana, Cherry, Orange, Strawberry, Watermelon, Apple,
--cherry, strawberry, orange, banana, apple, pineapple, watermelon

Place in order of preference: Sex, Food, Music, Fashion, The Internet, Movies, Sports.
--fashion, sex, music, movies, food, the internet and i hate sports

Bread and spread:
--fresh baked sourdough and peanut butter and honey

What's your fast food restaurant of choice, and what do you usually order?
--chipotle's steak burrito with everything on it

Pick a city. What are the three best dining experiences you've had in that city?
--New York City.
1) an indian restaurant in NYC that i can't remember the name of
2) a greek place in L.A. i have no idea what the name of that was either
3) and sushi from origami right here in minneapolis

What's your choice of tipple at the end of a long day?
--what's a tipple?

What's the next thing you'll eat?
--probably more cold pizza from the day before

3:09am

i am, once again, completely flattened..

i am a rag heavy with grey water. and if i had one ounce of energy left, would wring the tears out.

 

1:42am

some things i have written my mother tonight:

i hope you understand when i say that i don't believe for a minute that you will leave livejournal.

i don't write anything personal in my journals anymore because of you. so it really doesn't matter to me if you look at them or not.

i found your **** journal from the big embarrassing display of immaturity from everyone in ****.
it was hard to miss.

i do understand what you are saying. but you are also rationalizing a lot by saying that you didn't know i wanted you to leave livejournal and then saying that you didn't mean to hurt me because you made your journal private. and don't forget about **** which was not private.

and i am wondering if you are somehow thinking/rationalizing that all the problems between us were caused by **** and this whole fiasco with livejournal?
because the problems between us started well before all of that. do you remember?

it's good to clear up SOME of this. and i am beyond relieved that you understand a lot of what i was trying to convey to you now, finally.
but there is still SO much more to clear up. and i'm wondering if you realize this.

++++

i think it's hardly fair to say i am "bound and determined" to stay angry at you and to insinuate that i am also being unfair for not forgiving you right now this very minute. you only deleted your "last" lj mere HOURS ago. give me a break.

++++

if you truly are going to see me as a separate person from you, then you are going to have to realize and accept the fact that i am different than you are. and my healing times and processes are totally different from yours. and just because they are different that does not make them wrong or less evolved.
and i am going to need you to respect that even if you may not completely understand why it is that i am the way that i am. and i am going to need from you to not push me on that or try to make me wrong for that by insinuating that i am not as wise as you or whatever for not letting go of things.

there aren't any people on this planet that i know of that would be able to forgive what i have gone through only hours after it was MAYBE ending, except for , i guess, you and jesus christ.

so, i know for a fact that my feelings are not out of the ordinary even if you think that they are.

if you would like to have a relationship with me you are going to have to accept that i am going to probably be angry with you for a very long time.
and that forgiveness is not going to come easily for me not because i am not as wise or evolved as you are, but because i am different than you are. and you are going to have to respect that even if you don't understand that.

if you can respect that, then maybe we can move a tiny bit more forward.
and if you cannot, then this isn't going to be going anywhere...

because the last thing on earth i need to deal with right now is to be made to feel wrong for feeling the way i do.

++++

you wrote:

"You have had a long time to forgive me, and you have chosen not to"

umm, EXCUSE ME??

hello! you only deleted your LJ HOURS ago! what the f---?
how is that a long time??

++++

yes, you insinuated that i was wrong in my process of forgiveness because you said, and i quote from your email:

"you seem to have a problem forgiving"

taken from this sentence here directly quoted:

"you have always been a person who remembers deep hurts and pain more than I,longer than I and seems to have a problem forgiving".

the key word here being "problem"

how is that NOT insinuating that something is wrong with me in regards to forgiveness?

or is it that in your world "problem" means something good?

you are also saying i am wrong buy saying i am "stuck" in my anger. and saying that i am "bound and determined" and "choosing" to not forgive you.

now, taking ALL of these things into account, i think it's VERY clear that you are saying to me that i have some sort of problem here.

how is this making YOU feel invisible? how am i not attempting to understand YOU because i am trying to explain to you this?

++++

(and get this...and this one here is about yet ANOTHER livejournal i found of my mother's that hse only made a day or 2 ago..AFTER she said she was sorry to me the other day for her OTHER livejournal that she started):

maybe it was never your intention to start a new livejournal.

so i guess that is why you DID start a new livejournal , right?

because starting a new livejournal means you DIDN'T have any intention of starting a new livejournal, right?

of course. how could i not understand something so obvious as that?

and ya, it makes sense to update it today about the weather if you are only going to DELETE it immediately after.

and YOU SAID the ONLY reason you made that lj was so that you could post anonymously (even tho you could have posted in **** WITHOUT starting a new lj, did you know that? yes, you just post as "anonymous". imagine that.). yet, you posted in it TODAY, to apparently "no one" since no one is supposed to know that was you and no one listed you as a friend.

so maybe now you are going to say that was your "farewell". even tho it had nothing to do with a farewell and simply was a comment about the weather. and if that was , in your mind, some sort of farewell, then who were you posting it FOR? if that was your "anonymous" journal?

ya, that makes PERFECT SENSE.

what do you take me for mom, some sort of idiot?

and maybe you DIDN'T have any intention on keeping that journal up. but this is too much like the story of the boy who cried wolf now. and i would hope that you can see how this all looks more than fishy. and how it really makes no sense at all. and i hope you can see how this could be very difficult for me to believe after everything that has happened.

and how you DID lie to me AGAIN by saying that you had deleted your journal "days" ago. when , in fact, you HAD made a NEW journal.
even if you did have every intention of deleting this new one. you have to admit, this doesn't look good for you. and judging from all your past behaviour in regards to livejournal, i would hope you could see how this is just really hard for me to believe.

and i hope you can see how your explanation for having this new livejournal is just doesn't hold water and isn't at all logical.

and so, no, i am not anywhere NEAR being over angry right now. and i am not anywhere NEAR forgiveness.
so you will just have to pardon me and be patient with me here.

++++

you wrote:

"You never have asked, "Mom, how are you feeling? How has all this affected you to be kicked out of my life? What would you like for us?" It seems to always be on your terms as if my feelings don't matter. That makes me feel invisable. Can you see this at all?"

i do not ever have to ask you how you are feeling or how this has affected you because you always tell me exactly how you are feeling and how you are affected and what you would like for us. you tell me this all the time. i know perfectly well all of this.. i know it! you tell me!

i know you are feeling rotten. i know you have not been well and you have had anxiety. and you have been sad. and you have cried. i know you have been angry and you feel that i have not treated you fairly. i know that you have forgiven me and you wish that i would forgive you. i know you have had days and days and months and years or sadness. i know you have been confused. i know you have been hurt .
i know that you wish i would give you more and that i would forgive. and i know you wish i would make more of an effort. i know you wish i would put all of this behind me and see you. i know exactly how you have been feeling. i know exactly how this has affected you. you even said that you had many health problems because of this and have been very very ill. you have told all of this to me. i see it and i understand that you are feeling and have felt these things.

and what are my terms that have been so unfair?

you DID go to a counselor with me, i will give you that. and i thank you for it even tho it was a fiasco, by no fault of ours.

but any of the other terms. what were those that were so unfair and terrible?

terms like "respect my bounderies" (leave livejournal and stop contacting me), "stop insulting me" (you promote rape, you're an insult to women, and your breasts are grotesque") . are those the terms you are speaking of that are just so horrible and unfair that i asked of you?
because those are the ONLY two i have ever asked of you.

or WHAT other terms are you speaking of that have been unfair?
what are they, i'd love to know what these terms are.
and how do these terms make you feel that your feelings do not matter?

++++

in the last few years there is not a whole heck of a lot of things you have said or done to me that i like.
why WOULD i like those things?

i know that you do have qualities that i do like. you know that you and i were like best friends for most of our lives.

i like that you are good at writing stories.
i like that you are a creative putzer.
i like that you finally learned to like an animal.
i like that you are still hanging in there with my brother even tho he is a total shithead.
i like that you still talk to dad and see good things in him even tho he was a total shithead to you, too.
i like that you find beauty in plants and gardening.
and that you appreciate the finer things in life like good food, wine, and clothing.
i mostly like your sense of humour (but i do not like when you try to mask little biting mean things as "just your sarcastic sense of humour")
i like that you know what tou like and what you do not like and don't make apologies for that.
i like that deep down in there you are a gypsy at heart.
i like how little things make you happy like a gleeful child.

 

+++

i did always tell you how i felt. you just did not either remember nor pay attention.
but i did, absolutely, tell you how i felt.
i'm sorry you don't remember.
but you don't even remember things that YOU say, so why would you remember things that i said?

all i know is it is not MY fault that you do not remember.

you say my terms are fair yet "they don't accomodate anything you need, like a fair hearing."

my terms are 1. respect my bounderies 2. do not insult me.

how do these 2 terms NOT accomodate anything you need?
and how do they NOT accomodate a fair hearing?


i have HEARD you. so what do you mean that you have not received a fair hearing? what more do you need me to hear?

how do these 2 terms not accomodate anything you need? do you need to NOT respect my bounderies or do you NEED to insult me?
because those are the ONLY two things that those 2 terms do NOT accomodate.
and i'm sorry, but i am not going to accomodate you to not respect my bounderies or to insult me.

WHY were you shunned and banished? do you think it is was NO reason at all?

it goes back to my 2 terms which you would NOT meet.
you would NOT respect my bounderies and you would NOT stop insulting me.

i gave you MULTIPLE chances to please meet those 2 terms. but you would NOT.

and the fact that you cannot see this is the #1 reason why i would think you are mentally ill.

because who in their RIGHT MIND would NOT meet those 2 terms?
and who in their RIGHT MIND would think those 2 terms were not accomodating anything you needed?
and who in their RIGHT MIND would continue to just not respect a persons bounderies and just continue to insult a person and then get angry with the person when that person decided they wanted no more of that?
pardon me for using another allegory here, but mom, it is as clear and logical as if i had said to you "my terms are that you stop throwing rocks at me", yet you said "screw you! i'm going to continue to throw rocks at you because i don't have to obey you and this term doesn't accomodate my needs!" and so then i said to you "well, i'm going to have to shut my windows and doors to you then and not be around you anymore because you keep hurting me by throwing rocks at me". and then you continued to be angry with me and said "it's not fair that i can't throw rocks at you anymore! why have you locked me out of your life? i haven't received a fair hearing!"

this is EXACTLY as i see it.
i have explained this to you so many times now, i can't believe i have to say this again.
and i really do not know how more clear i can be!

you hurt me, i told you that you were hurting me and i told you what things you were doing that were hurting me.
i then explained to you that if you did not stop doing those things i would have to go to protect myself.
you did not stop doing those things that hurt me.
and so i had to go.
then you CONTINUED to try to bash down my door and yell "unfair!" at me and you sat there all confused and hurt as if i just had done the most illogical and cruel thing to you ever. which , to me, WAS very insane.

i hope to god you see this now because i do not know how on earth more CLEAR i can possibly be!

you would NOT stop HURTING me! so i had to go!
i TOLD you EXACTLY what things you needed to stop so that you would stop hurting me.
but you WOULD NOT STOP!

and so i HAD TO GO!

i clearly, concisely, fairly, in no uncertain terms told you what my bounderies were.
and you continually just bulldozed right over them!

and then, really bizarrely, accused me of having no bounderies!
i mean really! if that is not just crazy then i really do not know what crazy is.

as you BULLDOZE over my bounderies you accuse me of having no bounderies!

what on earth??? and *I* am not being fair to YOU?
*I* am not being empathetic to you? I* am not accomodating YOU???

i'm supposed to ask you how YOU are feeling? and i am supposed to ask you what YOU want for us???

tell me, WHY on earth i would i want to empathize with a person who is BULLDOZING over my bounderies right and left???

i am sorry for whatever has caused your confusion in this. but whatever it is that has caused any confusion it is not MY fault.
because i have done NOTHING but be as CLEAR as i possibly can with you. i have written you email after email after email after email explaining this to you as i am doing now.

this is NOT hard, mom. this is NOT complicated! i have 2 very simple, very easy, very fair terms.
they are not bizarre terms tailor made to my bizarre whims. they are just 2 very simple terms that ANY HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET would demand of another human being. and that is #1 to have bounderies respected and #2 to not be insulted.
these terms are NOT stepping on ANY of your personal freedoms as a human being unless you are some sort of sadist who NEEDS to bulldoze over anothers bounderies and NEEDS to insult a person. which, i hope you would agree would not SEEM to be something that YOU need as a personal freedom to do. right?

why do *I* continue to say to you that i feel invisivle? because after ALL THIS TIME.
YEARS now.
i am STILL finding myself writing to you this VERY EXACT SAME EMAIL.

that is so RIDICULOUSLY LOGICAL and so ABSOLUTELY CRYSTAL CLEAR that i just want to scream and cry my guts out in anguish because i have NO IDEA how on earth i could possibly be more clear to you.

WHY do you not see this? why is this impossible for you to understand? what is so hard about this?
why do you not understand why i didn't want to talk to you anymore?? WHY???????????????

i wasn't being some mean unfair bizarre crazy person who arbitrarily shut you out of my life!
YOU WOULD NOT STOP HURTING ME!!!
I HAD TO GO!!!

what what what is so crazy and unfair about that?
what about that do you NOT understand??

i'm seriously not going to explain this to you again.
really, this IS the last time.
everytime i have to write you this email my heart and guts and just on the floor and i cry for hours and it ruins my life for weeks and then i cannot eat or sleep. my entire life is already screwed up from this last lj thing. i have lost weight. i still have not gotten back on any sort of normal sleeping or eating schedule.

i pour my HEART and my SOUL out to you in these letters.
i TRY and i TRY and i TRY and i TRY and i TRY
i put EVERYTHING I HAVE into these emails to you that you delete.

i mean, that i put EVERYTHING IN ME into these emails to you.

and what i get back is that you do not understand any of it.
and what i get back is you telling me that i don't TRY hard enough for you.
and what i get back from you is i'm supposed to ask you how YOU feel
and what get back from you is that i am supposed to make some sort of decision on whether or not i want a mother
and what i get back from you is a thing about how i am "stuck" in my anger and i must somehow WANT to be here in this state of pain.
and what i get back from you is that i have been somehow unfair to YOU
and i haven't accomodated YOU.

do you think i would sit here and put everything in me into these over and over and over?
would i sit here and pour my heart and soul to you over and over and over and year after year if i DIDN'T want a mother? and if i DIDN'T care about you??? what on earth, mom???

you seriously HAVE to get this now, mom. you HAVE to understand it!
because i have been SO CLEAR now!
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME THAT YOU FINALLY UNDERSTAND WGAT I AM SAYING!
because i CAN'T say this anymore to you! i really can't! so you HAVE to get it NOW!

i have EMPATHY that for some ungodly reason you have not understood me, and that this has caused you great pain!
i am sorry that you have been in pain! it slays me, it kills me, it saddens me beyond compare to see you so confused and in so much pain!
my heart has been WRENCHED to see the sadness and hurt and confusion in your eyes.

but if you do not understand what i am saying to you now, i cannot help you with this pain! and this pain is NOT MY FAULT!

arrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh........more sadness than i can EVER EVER EVER EVER CONVEY!!!