march
21st, 2004 |
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6:16am
the past 3 hours have been spent being very nervous and just feeling like everything is "wrong". do you ever have that anxious feeling? and my neck hurts so much. i wonder about the symbology of it. what is being "a pain in the neck"? well, i don't need a pain in the neck to point out to me the freaking obvious. c'mon body please don't do this to me. i need a day that is pain free.
now that the sun is coming up i feel a little bit less scared to go to sleep. i just don't want to have any nightmares or dreams that are uncomfortable in any way. i just want to feel safe in my life and i want my dreams to reflect that. i want them to reflect a feeling of safety. and harmony.
i don't want to be depressed and scared. i did have a fleeting bit of happiness with that german restaurant and getting out of the house. i'd love to go outside today for a walk. but this pain may have me laying in bed.
i'll make it through, i'll make it through. i'm SO CLOSE to peace, i can feel it right around the corner but can't see it or touch it yet. and i know it's all within my grasp right now. i'm the one who holds the key. i'm so frustrated with myself. but i'm not going to beat myself up about it.
i'll just tread water and wade through this too like i do with everything else.
just like in my dreams...
please dear universe send me a good soul fulfilling dream/vision. something that will help me change my perspective and get back on track again. a little loving kick in the butt. something substantial to hold on to and hang my hat on.
been making more yarn balls. gonna
send some of this yarn to mya.
she likes turquoise whereas i do not at this time.
i have a big long thing i want to write about colour but i'm too tired to write it now. i will later.
i think maybe i can sleep now that the sun is up i am less scared and things feel less wrong.
3:35am
i really did a number on my neck,
i don't know how. i just moved wrong when i was at jason's tonight and now
i cannot move my neck in any direction without a lot of pain :(
i was successful in falling asleep at 1:30am, i was so happy for that. but
my neck pain woke me. then i remembered i had some cherry garcia ice cream
left so i ate that. and now i'm kind of awake. glarb.
12:00am
clean sheets, naked animals playing, a skinnier ass, and good german food.
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