today's anagram

march 18th , 2004
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11:48pm

i accidentally erased the dream i wrote about in here the other day.
i just wanted to write it briefly to remember it. and wanted to write donw another one i had days ago.

dream #1
raymond from everybody loves raymond was trying to kill me with a giant laserbeam gun (RAYgun) in my town i grew up in. there was nothing i could hide behind that the gun wasn't able to laser through. nice old farmhouses, nice big 200 year old trees. someone else was running after me to try to tie me down so they could get a perfect shot at me.

raymond symbolises to me a man who is not too smart emotionally and is a little bit self centered and selfish. a real "guy" guy. maybe even symbolises the stupidity of mankind. not evil, not trying to hurt anyone purposely. just really really dumb. unaware. however, in my dream, he was definitely trying to hurt me purposely.

and now that i think of it, i think it was kramer from seinfeld who was running after me to tie me down. which is a similiar type of person to raymond. selfish, self centered, unaware and stupid. the kind of person who could hurt you but be too stupid to realize they had hurt you.

so i think this dream was symbolizing that i felt that kind of energy was deliberately trying to destroy my innocence and feelings of safety (being that it was all happening in my little home town where my childhood was happiest and i felt the safest)

judging from how stupid my mother has been in the last few days to me, and how emotionally retarded she has been. i think this dream was a premonition of this week dealing with her. and her stupidity was destroying my feelings of home and safety i had with her as a child.

dream #2

out in some fairgrounds/circus at night with my dad (but my dad is somewhere else). it's raining and i notice by the traintracks that this man with 3 pugs isn't watching his pugs and they are getting loose and i am worried the train will run over them. so i give this man my dog kennel for his dogs and i also give him my tent , which is a big cream coloured silk oval shaped tent.
and i am glad that now he has some shelter fro the rain and his pugs will be ok. i sell them to him for $85.
and i'm glad to help him and glad to get rid of some stuff, but i am hoping that i don't need these things for myself in the future.
in the end i know i have to go look for my dad and we are going to ride off into the dark on a vespa, who knows to where.
or maybe i am going to ride off by myself, i don't know.

i'm into numerology so the 8+5 equals 13. 13 is the death card in the tarot.

i also think this dream was a premonition of this week dealing with my mom. she is the man who wasn't watching over his pugs and let them run around everywhere in a potentially dangerous place. the circus is the symbol of livejournal and the train tracks and the train that might come are maybe "drive by posters". etc etc. you get the picture.
and so i was the one who took it upon myself to give up my shelter for him and for his pugs. this man was so stupid and didn't even realize his pugs were even in danger and he didn't even think to have a tent for his family when it was dark and raining.

in return for giving him shelter and safety, he gives me death.
which is the ending of something and the birth of something new.

11:17pm

wow, i actually lost 3 pounds in the last few days from the stress and not eating. i weighed 104 today. i haven't weighed that since i lived with jason back in the big apartment.
i feel so weak and exhausted. everytime i stand up i'm dizzy. i haven't even the energy to stand. and when i stand up to move i can't catch my breath.
now that i am not in war mode where i have to survive i feel like crying. but i'm too exhausted and weak to cry.
there is nothing in me. all want to do is hold on to jason as close as possible because i feel so floaty.
he is sleeping now. so i came back to my house.

i'm just going to lay in bed and hope i go back to sleep as soon as possible.
i need some normal days now. normal eating. normal sleeping. and i need some fresh air and sunlight.

7:13pm

fuzzybumblebee and i
the puplets love her so and so do i :)