march 17th , 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

11:02pm

now i am so tired i am awake and i think i have one of my period headaches or else it is stress or both.
so, in order to get rid of my headache i had to have a cup of coffee, which did help a lot.
maybe this will be one of those times that coffee makes me tired. i can only hope. does that ever happen to you that coffee makes you tired? once in a blue moon it will do that to me.

i need a transporter and i need you to transport me a xanax.

i'm making yarn balls because it is the only thing i can concentrate on. and it is an action which requires little to no brain power. an it's repetitive motion is soothing.

this is the happiest part of my day.

8:33pm

i'm so glad this day is nearing a close and things have died down.
and i worked so hard all day and all night putting out fires.
and i am left feeling confused, empty, and bamboozled.
now what? what was that all about? and now i am left with WHAT?
what is there left here after all that lying and baboozlement for me?
what is left is a sick and empty feeling. and the memory of seeing one of the stupidest displays of immaturity i have ever seen by adults, one of them, sadly and ridiculously, being my mother.

and i want to believe she's sorry. but what is she really sorry for?
sorry she hurt me? or just sorry i am mad at her?
sorry for what she did? or just sorry that she got caught?
what is the truth behind any of this?
this layer upon layer upon layer of insecurity, deception, and betrayal.

and everyone around me taking off their masks only to show me yet another mask or trading it in for another.
just a huge sick game of WHAT? what WAS that i just saw or thought i saw?
where do i go from here?

2:00pm

paaaaiiiiiinnnfffulllly tiiiirrrrrredddddddddd.......

jacccckkkkk hammmmerrrrsss and chaaaiiinnnnsaaaaaaaawwwssssss......

*sounds of gurgling insanity*

1:36pm

sooooooooo ffffffuuuucckkkiiiiiingggg tiiiiirrrrrreeeddddddddd.

1:26pm

ok, too fucking hilarious. i was JUST now this very second going to lay down for a teensy tiny bit and WAM....the chainsaws and jackhammers start right back up! unbelieveable!

i am going to be SO happy when this day is over with. i am counting down the minutes.

*bleary eyed*

11:43pm

ohmigod. i am so exhausted. i still have not gone to sleep yet. this person i do not know started posting in my journal and then in hers about my mom and then emailing me telling me to phone her so she can tell me how she invaded my privacy at the request of my mom. and i'm like, hi? i don't even know you why would i give you my phone number? and, of course, she won't explain ANY of what she said and i had to ban her from my journal. and it's just been absolutely nuts.

this is all so surreal. i feel like i'm that movie "single white female".

just so much...so much insanity...and all i ate yesterday (which is still "today" for me), was a tiny tv dinner.
how many hours ago was that? i feel floaty and bizarre. but i'm so damn glad i was up to delete that comment from her or else everyone who reads my journal would have been sucked into this intensely insane nonsensical draining drama from hell. and lord knows i seriously do not need that.

this is all just getting weirder and weirder by the minute. holy swinging dancing christ, i am drained.

 

7:50pm

well, i'm still here at my house. i am listening to coast to coast in headphones in hopes it will drown out the jackhammers and chainsaws because i really want to sleep here because after a nervewracking day i want to be with my puppies.
it's not really working to drown it out, but i am caught up in the story of "the philidelphia experiment" now, which is thoroughly fascinating.

maybe i won't go to sleep today. i don't know. i guess i'll just play it by ear.

7:21am

of course, just as i was about to climb into bed this very second, the sound of chainsaws and jackhammers (both at the same time) started right outside my window. nice.

i may have to go over to jason's to sleep.
yep...i think i must do that. it is damn loud.

and my room smells like mothballs from this yarn.
fuzzybumblebee told me she actually likes the smell of mothballs, but she is a strange one indeed :)

ok, off to jason's i go. i'm sure glad i have that option to go there otherwise i am go postal.

 

5:42am

holy crap, fuzzybumblebee gave me an obscene amount of yarn!!!
i am just sitting here trying to decide how to organize it.
do i organize it by thread size, or colour, or by materials it is made out of?

wow, it's such a relief for my brain to think about how to solve THIS problem rather than some sort of psychological drama problem!

but when i am going to get to sleep. i am still so intensely hyper because of the whole mom drama thing that i am still just whizzing on adrenalin and nervous energy.

i would kill for a xanax right now.

4:05am

i am winding yarn into balls to do something with all my nervous energy.

3:30am

fuzzybumblebee scored a carload full of free yarn and she came over here and gave me HUGE GIGANTIC PILES of yarn! :) wow! i have SO MUCH yarn now! be careful what you wish for, eh??

and then, the rest of my night was spent emailing me mom back and forth.
but i'm not going to get into that. and i have no idea if any of it is a good thing, a bad thing, or a neutral thing.
only time will tell. but i am absolutely exhausted by it.

but i will say that it seems that karma has finally caught up with my mom about this whole lj thing and bit her in the ass bigtime.

i have barely eaten anything all day. i had one tiny tv dinner.

it has been a psychologically exhausting day. somewhat like a boil that has come to a head and finally been drained somewhat. but everything is still gross and puss is still being formed. and there is not as much pressure, but one has to keep an eye on it and keep checking the bandages. YUCK.

i even physically feel disgusting with having my period and all. and my house is a disaster area.

i need to really clean for the next few days and put my world, mind, and body back into some semblance of order and cleansliness.