today's anagram

march 15th , 2004
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6:33pm

well, my mom pretended to not know what that email was about when i sent her back her email to her.
so, i have now spelled it out for her by sending out the 2nd email to her that is below in this anagram.
at the suggestion of mya and jason i sent it.
i am petrified.

i am now going to get ready to go to the movie with carolyn. i'm not in the mood to go, but carolyn's boyfriend just broke up with her and i don't want her to go alone :( poor carolyn :(

10:43pm

i'm too depressed to do anything. even crochet. all i do is lay in my bed and aimlessly stare.
so i'm going to go over to jason's and watch movies in hope that will give me some relief from my sadness.

9:41pm

huge amounts of construction outside my window :(
i feel bleary like i've been up for days.

9:32am

all i did was email my mom her own email to me (from a month ago) which said:

""I do not want you to experience the kind of intense pain you are describing and as I have said to you before I believe your pain is very real, so of course I will not do live journal. I will not bring up that subject again. If there is anything else I can do to help you let me know. Love, Mom"

she wrote that in response to the email i sent her which is archived here:anagram011804

i think that is all that really needs to eb said. everything else i have already said to her before.

this is the email i DID NOT send:

a few days ago a very scary man emailed me and let me know you had another livejournal and told me which one it was. i do not know who this person is and i have no idea how they know who you are or where your livejournal is. obviously someone on your friends list is not who they say they are, or someone on your list is gossiping about the fact that they know ana voog's mom to some very sick and mean people.
i know this person is psycho because i googled their email and found tons of bizarre things about them. they are all over the internet starting flame wars all over the place and this person changes their identities many times so there is no way to ever know who this person is, according to many people on the internet who hate this person.
and he obviously is a very horrible person as the only reason he emailed me to tell me you had started a new livejournal is to cause pain.

here is his email:

and i told you this from the very beginning, and i've repeated it to you many times that there are sick and horrible people out there on the internet who would love nothing more than to hurt me through you or vice versa. people who would love nothing more than to pretend to be your friend so they can twistedly hurt me. go ahead and call me narcissistic for saying that as you have before. but it keeps being proven over and over again that what i say has nothing to do with narcissism and everything to do with fact.

and the fact that this sick pervert knows who you are and where you are and knows who i am just scares me and creeps me out more than i could ever convey in words. and you can bet your bottom dollar if he knows then a TON of people know. because all this person does is post crap on the internet everywhere to get his jollies. and if i were you i would NOT email this person back because that is what they want for their sick pleasure.

or perhaps you are just blatantly talking about how you are my mom now in other livejournals. you did it before in my friend, jacqui's journal, so i'm quite sure you are capable of doing it again and again and again.

why you would continue to sabatoge our relationship like this is truly beyond my comprehension. why you would take the chance on tearing my heart out and stomping on it with an ice pick AGAIN just so that you can mildly converse with a few people you will never meet is beyond me.

you are either the coldest most unfeeling uncaring selfish human being ever. or you are an extremely sad example of someone who is so lonely and so desperate for the smallest bit of human interaction that you would take the chance on shredding your daughter's heart (again and again and again) and losing her forever just to type tiny sentences about your day to a few people who you will never meet, and from your own admittance, you don't even find to be very smart. or else it is something else entirely that is beyond my scope of comprehension. but the fact that you were willing to risk this again is something that you need to take a good hard look at. you are acting like a person who is addicted in that you are willing to risk like this when the stakes are this high. something is very very wrong.

you know, i even gave you 7 other places for you to have a journal.
so i'm not even stopping you from making friends on the internet or having a journal. ALL i asked was simply not to have one on livejournal. because livejournal is an incestuous place and it WILL get back to me. and it did.

but no, your baddass rebel self had to have it on LIVEJOURNAL because that is how much of a control freak you are. because, as you said, "I WILL NOT OBEY YOU! I WILL NOT OBEY YOU! I WILL NOT OBEY YOU!"

well, good for you, mom. rock and roll. gee, i'm so glad you stood your ground on that VERY important issue. i hope your self esteem and feelings of wellbeing have grown enormously for standing so firmly for what you believe in. because having your journal on LIVEJOURNAL and not on any other IDENTICAL journal site is WAY more important than your daughter's feelings or her heart or HER wellbeing or emotional state.
and it's SO much more important than even HAVING a daughter.

yes, thank you so much for proving to me once again where i fit in the grand scheme of your life. thank you for proving to me , once again, that i mean less to you than having a journal on livejournal and not somewhere else. it's good to know that you were willing to take that chance of my heart being sliced into 5 billion pieces AGAIN so that you can talk about your day to whoever.

congratulations. YOU win. have your freaking livejournal.
don't even bother deleting it as i know all you will do is start another one.

thank you for showing me how worthless i am to you.
and for showing me what a great liar you are.
that was amazing you almost got me to believe that it pains YOU to think that what you say or do could hurt me in any way.
ya, good one. and you almost got me to believe that everything would be ok now and i was safe and you could be trusted and i could heal now.

here are some great quotes by you:

"I am also very sorry for anything and everything I have done that has made you feel rejected or wounded by me."

"I have felt so bad because of all the suffering you've been through."

really? what a laugh. and the joke is on me, i see.

7:24am

i went to bed last night at 11pm! but i kept waking up every 1 or 2 hours and having nightmares.
finally around 6am i could not get back to sleep due to typing out every possible email combination to my mom and then i would start crying.

now i'm still up. i don't know if i am up for the day now, or if i will fall back asleep later. or maybe take an afternoon nap.
i don't know. i just feel really floaty and dizzy and disconnected and completely uninterested and unmotivated to do anything at all. so i would rather go back to sleep than deal with this maddening purgatory.

blarg.