march 14th , 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

i wrote this a few days ago and i didn't know if i would post it in ana2 because of fear. but fuck it. i can't live that way. so here it is:

 

my heart is heavy today because last night some psycho man wrote to me and told me that a certain person i had on my friends list was also on my mom's friends list.
i hope most of you know the story of this so i don't have to repeat myself too much. but for those that don't know, i've had trouble with my mom on livejournal and i asked her to leave (i was the one who originally, stupidly, gave her a code). she said she would then lied then started another. then she did this AGAIN. it has been one of the biggest rifts between us and one of the most fuct up things my mom has ever done to me. i don't want her to have a livejournal because i don't trust her on here because she has used it to hurt me. like stalked me in my friends journals with it. and weirdly "competed" with me with it by adding friends of mine to her friends list. it just gets weird. plus the kind of people she attracts to her journal and who she then befriends are extremely stupid and some not to be trusted and i don't want her writing things about me and then this gets back to me because livejournal is so incestuous.
i gave her the urls to at last 7 other online journaling places and told her it's fine for her to have a journal just not on livejournal, which she wouldn't have even been able to have originally if it hadn't been for me.

i have talked about my mom in my journal in the past and now i do not do that publically anymore. but when i did it, she was not on the net, and no one knew who she was or knew her email (she didn't even have an email), so there was no way for people to try to hurt her with it.

but with her... she is still writing things about me and telling people in livejournal that i am her daughter and god knows who else THEY have now gossiped to and i know most of these people cannot be trusted. she doesn't even KNOW these people.

well, she knows how much pain i have been in about this and i have screamed and cried my guts out on the phone to her about this. and she has promised me she will NEVER start another livejournal.

well, she did. i knew she would. because that is just how selfish she is. and how desperate she is for any sort of recognition. she would risk hurting her daughter AGAIN and even losing her daughter so she can type bullshit to people she doesn't even know.

now, of course, it has gotten back to me as some strange person writes to me yesterday. the person he mentioned that was on my mom's friends list was NOT ever on mine, so i don't know why he said this person was.
and i googled his email and i googled his email in the google newsgroups and found out he is a very sick and psycho asshole man who is having INSANE flame wars on billions of newsgroups everywhere with other very insane people. and this person has , accoeding to many people on these newsgroups, changed his identities many times. so there is just no way to know who this weird man is.

but how on EARTH this man knows who my mother is i have no idea, and how he knows where her livejournal is (and her journal is friends only, btw, which makes this even more scary), and also knows who *I* am and who makes it a point to go out of his way , obviously, to stir up trouble between my mom and i...just augh times infinity.
well, i am beyond creeped out.

and that this sick fuck is probably in her inner circle of livejournal friends or that one of her livejournal friends or several are OBVIOUSLY OBVIOUSLY OBVIOUSLY gossiping about the fact that my mom has a livejournal and they are on her friends list and most OBVIOUSLY she is talking about me and has told them all who i am and where my livejournal is. well, it makes me sick.

i have also told my mom this in no uncertain terms on many occasions that there are a bunch of sick fucks out there whose sole purpose in their lives is to try to cause me pain. and told her that there are actually newsgroups and bbs DEDICATED to this. and she laughed at me and told me i was being narcissistic for thinking that. and i said this is not something i THINK, this is something i KNOW, it is a FACT! you can GO to these places!

and i know there are a lot of people out there who hate me who would love NOTHING better than to get on my mother's good side so they can get back at me in this way and feed my mother lies about me. lies she is already more than willing to eat up because she already thinks badly of me and thinks i am psychotic and worshiping the devil or whatever.

i mean, my mom is so naive about the internet that when she did a search on my name in google and it brought up all those stupid porn sites who just use my name to get more traffic to their sites, she thought i was really in those sites! sites that say "ana voog fucks goats" and all that sort of bullshit to lure people in.

she cannot seem to fathom the fact, and actually i think it irks her to realize that i am actually quite well known and this is just what happens to celebrities, as minor of a celebrity as i may be in the grand scheme of things. but it is a fact that MILLIONS of people have visited my website and so ya, there ARE going to be people who hate me out there. it's just par for the course, i guess.

but my mom just refuses to believe this. and when she got on the internet, i could actually "feel" the dark forces being magnetized to her ready to feed her lies and try to wedge an even deeper canyon between my mother and i.

it would be hard enough for my mom to realize the truth about me and see me in a positive light. but with all this evil bullshit distraction around her, it makes it all the more impossible for me to heal anything with her. and when she further perpetuates the lies by writing bullshit in her journal about how i treat HER like shit and she has done no wrong, (and believe me she is damn good at laying on the "poor me" routine and can seem like the SWEETEST little mother on the fact of this planet) of COURSE this stupid people are going to rally to her side and console her about her poor psychotic whore daughter who spurned this caring religious mother.

and so i just cannot fucking win with this crap around. and there is just nothing i can do about it.

and lately my mom has been writing me these little nice emails about how nice my hats are and should she send me this silk thread she has that she cannot use. and she's calling me little pet names.

and i haven't written back because what am i supposed to say to that?

she has LIED to me over and over. she continues to lie to my face.
she tells me of COURSE she will not start another livejournal because she knows it will hurt me.

i knew she would do this.. so the third time does not hurt as much as the 2nd time. i was prepared to be betrayed and disappointed again. but i was hoping that i would be wrong.

i don't know. maybe i do hurt just as bad and i am just getting better at shoving it deep down into some dark box and locking it. because what on earth am i supposed to do with that much betrayal? how i am supposed to process something that vile? how can i process or come to terms at all with the fact that my mom is perfectly willing to hurt me like this again and again and again just so that she can type really stupid vapid things to people she does not even know? that for this small thing she would trade in her daughter and her daughters heart and emotional wellbeing. THIS is how much i am worth to her. i am worth LESS than a stupid livejournal and 15 distant "friends".
and then i try to see it from the angle of THIS is how desperate and pathetic my mother is. this is how lonely and seriously void of a real life she has that she would stoop to this level.

but i have to tell you, i really don't think that makes me feel any better about this situation no mater how i look at it.

either way i slice it, this woman is incapable of having a real relationship with me based on trust. she is incapable of telling me the truth. and i will be blamed for this for the rest of my life. as my mom often reminds me, it is ME who does not try to have a relationship with her. it is me who does not even TRY. and she is the poor poor mother whose heart has been broken. and she will NEVER ever see, ever, that she has done one thing wrong in this.

and the injustice of that is enough to almost drive me insane for real. it is ALMOST enough to make me snap. and i have come mighty close to snapping on several occasions over this because the pain is too much to bear.

and so, i guess this is just a pain i am going to have to live with for the rest of my life. like the people who live in constant pain.
i don't think there is any rational way of working through this or even looking at it. because the entire thing is irrational and complete insanity. there is no making sense of this. EVER. and i must just now live with this fact forever.

and now i have to also live with the fact that other people will think of me just as my mother thinks of me. because she is just going to spread her word like the gospel throughout the internet and someday there is going to be an entire throng of people who hate my guts and probably also send me hate mail about how mean and horrible i am to my mother. i can just see this coming from a mile away. call me paranoid. but based on what has already come to transpire, this is only a hop, skip, and a jump away.

and this is my achilles heel. this is where people can hurt me the most. through my mother or anything to do with my mother. the place where it causes me the most pain. the place where i feel like curling up into a tiny ball and becoming small again and putting my tiny head in my mommy's lap to have her pet my head and tell me it is all ok. all of that has been stripped away from me now. and my childhood memories, and the memory of the smell of her, and any feeling that once was comfort or home have been turned inside out and used as a blunt weapon against me by total strangers and the worst and most frightening cruel of all, my own mother herself.

it is beyond a nightmare.
i don't know if it is better or worse that i had good times with her. maybe if she had always been abusive i could have been prepared for something like this. but for my own loving mother to turn into some unrecognizable monster in the shape of my mother...
it's inconceivable to me and the ultimate betrayal.

and i have to learn to detach from this BIGTIME.
there are already thousands of people who think wrongly of me. and i have past boyfriends who used to beat me up who think *I* am the psycho one. it's always the people who say they love me the most who turn on me in the cruelest of ways. and i don't exactly know what lesson i am supposed to learn from that except, i guess, detachment, and to learn the absolute necessity of having to know and come from your own personal truth. and ironically, the more clear i become on my own truth, and the more centered i become on that, the more i become some sort of shining mirror that people project themselves upon even more forcefully.

the more clear i become to myself, the more i seem to disappear.
i don't know. it's just weird and ironic. and a complete mindfuck at times.

but i am going to make it through this somehow. i always do.

and i have no idea what to write to my mother now, if i should even write to her anything at all ever again.

and i do not even know if i will post this is ana2. i will not post it for now. because i do not even trust all of the people in there. and if people are being snkey to try to become friends with my mom so they can come tattle tale to me about it, then i'm sure there are people who are doing the same to me so they can tattle tale back to her.

fuck this sucks. i feel so unsafe.

i'm so sick of thinking about this, typing about this, feeling about this. i'm so sick of it. this HAS to be the end of it.

it's sad too, because i had this glimmer of hope that maybe we could have SOME sort of relationship. and i am still trying to work out if i can rearrange the molecules and synapses in my mind that would allow me to have some sort of fakey happy vapid relationship with her. like just "pretend" everything is ok and just go through the motions in hoping SOMETHING good will come of it.
do i just pat her on the head like she has alzheimers and go on a vapid shopping spree with her and talk about the weather and bake cookies? would that be better than NOTHING?

but you know, i am just tired of rearranging my molecules and synapses for people who don't give a shit about me. shape of a pretzel. shape of a lamp. shape of a hole. shape of a wall. shape of a blanket. shape of a garbage can. shape of a good time. shape of a trophy. shape of an entertainment center. shape of the good daughter. shape of a mirror reflecting back to you your perfect illusion. who do YOU want me to be? how can i make YOU feel better about yourself?

i don't know. i just don't know.