march 13th , 2004
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11:45pm

grapes with seeds in them are evil.
at least the dogs like them.

i was very low energy today.
now i am full of noodles.

i learned a new word today: koan.
that is what my green "thing" is, it is a koan :)

 

The Gates of Paradise

A soldier named Nobushige came to Hakuin and asked, "Is there really a paradise and a hell?"
"Who are you?", asked Hakuin.
"I am a samurai.", the warrior replied.
You, a soldier!", exclaimed Hakuin. "What kind of ruler would have you as his guard? Your face looks like that of a beggar."
Nobushige became so angry that he began to draw his sword, but Hakuin continued, "So you have a sword! Your weapon is probably much too dull to cut off my head."
As Nobushige drew his sword, Hakuin remarked, "Here open the gates of hell!"
At these words, the samurai, perceiving the master's discipline, sheathed his sword and bowed.
"Here open the gates of paradise.", said Hakuin.

Wash your bowl

A monk told Joshu, "I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me."
Joshu asked, "Have you eaten your rice porridge?
The monk replied, "I have eaten."
Joshu said, "Then you had better wash your bowl."
At that moment the monk was enlightened.

A Living Pot

Hoca borrowed a large pot from his neighbor. Days and weeks went by and he did not return the pot. One day the neighbor stopped by and asked if he could have his pot back. Hoca apologized, "I am sorry, I forgot to return it. But I have good news for you, while in my possesion your pot gave birth to a smaller pot".

So, he sent the happy neighbor home with two pots. Few weeks later Hoca knocked at his neighbor's door and asked if he could again borrow that large pot. The neighbor,after his recent gainful experience, was more than happy to lend his pot to Hoca. When days and weeks went by without a word from Hoca about the pot, the neighbor decided that he'd better go and see about his pot.

When Hoca opened the door, the neighbor asked if he could have his pot back. Hoca with a very sad face informed the man that while in his possesion, the large pot passed away. Shocked by Hoca's audacity, the man got angry and said: "What do you think I am, an idiot to belive that the pot died?"

"Why my good man" replied Hoca with a smile, "You had no trouble believing that your pot gave birth?".

http://www.nozen.com/koans.htm

5:42am

a thing,
my maddening processes,
and a declaration of my appreciation to my friends :)

 

even tho i never get sick of my squiggly hats and i don't know if i ever will, i still am needing to prove to myself that i can make something other than just that. i need a new pattern to repeat to make hats or whatever from. so this is my thing to break out of that. and i like it :) although right now it is still "a thing" and not a hat or anything else. so far, i don't think this thing wants to be a hat. usually everything i make, even if my intention was to NOT be a hat...it always end ups being a hat anyway :)
when ever i make anything at all, i say many times as i am working on it, "it's a thing, it's a thing!" to jason and he smiles :)

but maybe this is the beginnings of me making other things. like maybe this would be a cool thing to wear around your neck. or maybe i should make it really long and it will be a bizarre cyber boa. or maybe it is just a sculpture, i don't know.

but now i know , once again, that i should always go with the flow of whatever it is i want to do at the time even if it seems illogical.
like starting many hats and not finishing them. that would seem counterproductive. and i DO think there is a time and place to crack down and have the discipline to complete projects.

but all these starting of hats and not finishing them was just me being frustrated in searching for something new to add to my repertoire, i now see. and being lost about the direction i wanted to take, temporarily.

i can't explain it, but this green thing is something i needed to discover. and i needed to do this first before i completed the rest of my things.

and also, i think i was still thrown, and still somewhat am, by that fashion show meeting the other day. it made me feel a little bit inadequate and it made me question what direction DID i want to take my hats?

i certainly wasn't lost at all before that meeting and felt perfectly satisfied with the direction i was taking. but the blase reaction i got threw me a bit and i went into a period where i felt a bit lost and thought maybe i should make more classy hats in the more classic classy.
hats that fit with the really classy paper dresses that anna lee makes.

i thought her things and this other guys things looked so professional.
this guy here who makes stuff from garbage bags and newspaper:
http://www.gramannstudios.com/PAGES/trashbash.html

all he has up of his work is that quicktime movie.

i thought, does my stuff look too amateurish? goofy? hippy?

but i have to be kind to myself and realize i have only been crocheting for 2 years and of course i am still discovering who i am within this medium, and probably always will be.

i loved when i crocheted and i was bad at it (well, i was never really bad at it, strangely)...but you know what i mean maybe. it was crayons and colouring to me.

like i love the way children draw. and i wish sometimes i could go back to that primitive state where i didn't know how to draw so i could draw that purely again. maybe purely is a bad term. ummm, ya...purely. i guess that is the correct term. i didn't know what was good or bad drawing. i had no preconceived notions of any of it. i didn't even know what art was.

and if i drew like that again, kind of like how basquiat did...then i am not doing it because i AM a child but because i wish to be childlike.
nothing wrong with that at all! but you know what i mean, i hope.

and with crochet i think i was allowed to be in basquiat mode because i simply didn't know how to do it all yet and so i had no choice but to be childlike.

i don't know if i am being very clear. i don't think i am. but maybe through osmosis you can gather what it is i am trying to convey.

anyway, not to dog on that guy or anna's work, because i think it is beautiful and extraordinary and i wish i owned it so could wear it! and it is a clear testament to the beauty of their work and their craftsmanship that it caused me to question my own work and question what it was i wanted to do with it and i wondered if perhaps i wanted to be more like them.

then it dawned on me that what they are doing, the shapes of it, has been done before. what they are doing differently is using unconventional fabrics and materials to express age old classic clothing from the 50's. and i LOVE that idea. i LOVE when people make us look at old things in new ways...and that is why i was drawn to it so much. because that is a big part of who i am. in fact, my webcam is very much about that. taking old classic ideas of what a woman is and fucking with it. yes, i see that now as i write this that that is why i was drawn to anna and that guys work. or taking something that is the same old same old and photographing it in a new light that causes me and other people, hopefully, to see it with new eyes.

but that isn't what i want to do with my hats. at least not right now.

i think, right now, my hats are about exploring new shapes entirely.
shapes that make no sense. shapes like free forming ocean creature coral sea anemones. maybe even cancerous growths. tubers. squash. growths growing out of growths. roots. totally nonlinear, nonsensical, perhaps even ungraceful, maybe even almost ugly shapes. new creatures. monsters. things with 476 limbs. branches.

maybe its about connectivity, for me.
as i have this game i like to play with my hats where i try to make it as much out of one string as possible. i love that idea that one huge nonsensical bizarre shape could be created from one single string.

i guess because when i crochet i see it as string theory. and i see it as expressing how everything in the universe is completely connected.
and how EVERYTHING is one big long string.

wow, it's really weird to type this out because i sound so much like a freaking artist when i do this! and that cracks me up SO MUCH! because i have always sort of gagged when artists have a "big concept" behind what they do. and i have always despised it when people tried to read too much into my work or force me to explain myself. because i have always created at a very guttural and intuitive level and questioning it too much ruined it for me.

and with my drawings and paintings, it isn't until years later sometimes that i am able to see that absolutely mind blowing insight my drawings had into me and into the universe. because at the time i just drew "what was in my mind". they are just doodles that came out and i did not question WHY i was drawing a hand coming out of a persons eye and that hand was holding a floating spool. it's just a shape i felt like drawing at that time. i didn't question it. it was just what i wanted to draw at that time, it looked cool to me on some guttural level, and so i drew it.

and that is what i have been doing with my hats. i knew i was playing the little string theory game but i didn't really KNOW it so completely until i just wrote it down here.

and although i hate to read too much into it, i'm going to go right ahead and say i think that making hats that are organic shapes and maybe even ugly is my way of expressing my wanting to be peaceful with the seeming chaos and absurdity of the universe.

all my art has always had a twisted humour to it. a dark humour. because that is how i survive in this insane world without going insane. i have to revel in the absurdity somehow. like in one of my favourite books, which i think should be the bible, "the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy".
one of the most profoundly truthful books of all time, imo.
and the KEY to surviving in this bezerk world. it truly IS a guide to the universe.

so, ya, i need to express this absurdity and my sense of humour with this absurdity, and my peace with the process of growth even when it seems illogical and not symmetrical or conventionally beautiful.

i am very inspired by this hat by unluckymonkey:

and simply must own it someday! because that hat (and a few of mine, like the hippy borg and the french acid) has been a reminder/beacon to me of exactly "my truth" with that. and i also want to thank unluckymonkey for being such a shining light about following her dreams and backing that up with sheer hard work and discipline! i know big things are in her future and i'm so glad i've found her. i just hope you learn you can trust your instincts on EVERYTHING to do with your store, sam. trust your intuition with EVERY aspect of that like you do your art! business is no different than art, in that respect. don't do what you think everyone will like because if you try to please everyone, you'll please no one. DON'T second guess yourself :) i know you know all of this already :) i look forward to getting to know you better :)

and with people like electrickat who is the closest to me when it comes to the process of crocheting that it is like we have one mind sometimes, i must thank her for always showing me and reflecting back to me my path by being true to her own path. she is definitely my twin in some things and it just PAINS me that we do not live near each other but maybe we don't because if we did we would melt into each other and become one big pot smoking fiber squishing entity :)
nah...i don't think that would happen as we are too individual and i'll take that chance :) i need a friend like kat to walk my dog with and be a partner in crime. maybe i'll have to move to canada :) but it is so REFRESHING and needed for me to have a "like mind" around.
very soothing.
i guess it is just my age old longing for the sister i never had.
kat, you also, are my shining example for going with the flow and surfing the waves and becoming a master. you are my example of a person who can survive intense pain that is beyond the scope of human comprehension.
you have suffered losses like no other person i know. yet you are able to take that pain and just float in it like a zen master even when you feel you are going insane and are so frightened. you know when it is ok for you to numb yourself with medication because you NEED to and not guilt yourself out about it or feel weak but just know it is something you need to do. but while you are tripped out on it, why not make the best of it and love the trip? and then you know when you are strong enough to venture out again and face all your pain head on like the biggest most kick ass PUG/ram/bull/goat this world has ever known. you are also fearless. fearless i do not mean "without fear", but fearless as in full of fear yet goes out and faces everything head on and is true to oneself DESPITE the fear. and also fearless enough to admit you have fear not only to yourself but to a big portion of the world. i'm so glad that you did have your fears public at one point, otherwise i would have never gotten to know you and loved you so much and been so inspired by you to know that i can also make it through my own pain and also to take that pain and turn it into a string and then crochet that string into a boat that will take you to new worlds within yourself. and i know you feel kind of uncomfortable with gushy stuff, and that is totally understandable, but i must say i really do love you and i'll always be here for you :)

and to fuzzybumblebee who may not like the process as much as kat and i do, but her powerful curiosity and childlike wonder to poke and prod and learn and grow with me has been such a godsend to me and has been constantly inspiring :) but i know her love of fiber is exactly as mine. and i love that we can purr and oooo and aaah together about fiber and yarn. it makes me feel like less of a freak, and most importantly, less alone. and we are going to take an intermediate spinning class together soon :) woo hoo! and she is the one who bought me my wheel in an act of unrivalled love, kindness, and generosity. and she did this just because she wanted to see me happy and wanted to support me as an artist and see me grow and also because she was so curious to see what i would spin! i owe her SO much. not just for these things and for the rides she gives me to places (hehe), but because she is one of the few people who have given me the energy to still keep my heart open to friendship when so many people have hurt me so badly and i have wanted to cut myself off from all people and not trust anyone anymore. and she has given the hope that not all humanity is a selfish, stupid beyond words, rape machine. i love your brain and heart and soul, fuzzybumblebee! i love your pioneering futuristic spirit! you redefine the craft and art of spinning for the future with your bold cyber yarns and hats! you are fearless! and i am going to spin more, i promise! i just need to concentrate on making these hats for this show now. you redefine everything a woman is supposed to be. whether it's your endearing love of bees to the point that you dedicated years of your life (and craploads of money on college) to the complete study of such a small and beautiful and complex thing....to how you redefine "mother". yet still are SO intensely fearless that you are willing to even lose yourself at times for the sake of your loves ones. but no matter how much you lose yourself, your spirit is so strong that it is still shining there as one of the largest and most unique displays and testaments to individuality and strength i have ever seen. you are the personification of the grass that bends but does not break. i know you will find that balance between self sacrifice for the greater good and still holding firm to the foundation that is you because you are brilliant, perceptive, and most of all you have the unique ability of inventive adaptedness and resiliency. you will never fail. but if you should ever falter, i am here with you! and i love you, too, with all my heart!

i hope i can count you all as my surrogate sisters and i hope we continue to know each other and inspire each other for the rest of our lives. 3 zenned out buddha yoda kick ass old ladies crocheting ourselves a freakin' super eco village and a highway between all of our houses and spaceships to travel to each other for midnight tea. crocheting our wisdom, and stories, and knowledge into our "adaptive crochet" (as kat put it so nicely :)

and i want to give a "shout out" (pardon the tacky meme) to all the other humans and creatures out there who are out there on this journey with us and within themselves that i do not know well yet! to those i know a little and hopefully will know more, and to those who haven't even met us yet. i send the "bat signal" out to the universe to come and find us or have us find you! we all need you!

and i would like to thank pinkpeppercorns for also being such a shining example to me. for solidifying in me the notion that it is perfectly well and fine to know what you like and not take shortcuts on this even if you have to make other sacrifices for it. as she says "life is too short for shitty fiber"!
and no matter how poor she is, her willpower, vision, intent, and focus is so strong that she refuses to compromise her art and her craft by making anything lesser than she knows is within herself to accomplish. she knows this and is confident of it! she is the yarn DIVA :) and i'm so glad she has that piece of solidness, self love and self worth in her so that she can let that super fine goddess nature in her branch out and seep into all the other areas of her life like she deserves and needs to. because truly, as anyone who has had her yarn in their hands can attest to, her beautiful, intricate, delicate, complicated, yet extremely bold, kick ass sexy flamenco dancer soul is twisted into those yarns with such a skill and grace that it actually fills ME up with those qualities when i work with or even just gaze upon her yarn. i love to watch you grow and i love to watch you teach! because teach me, you do :)

oh, and to all my friends i have heaped my unabashed well deserved adoring praises upon, besides the common thread of resiliency, strength of spirit and individuality, and insatiatable curiosity and desire to learn and grow and not settle for anything less you all have, is that you all have such a KICK ASS sense of humour! you are all a little bit twisted and dark, like me. and you all have that necessary tool of laughing at the absurdity of it all, the craziness of it all. and most importantly you are able to laugh at yourself and most crucially, laugh at your own mistakes, and in PUBLIC no less. you never take yourselves too seriously, yet paradoxically, are also able to take VERY serious the art of laughing at oneself and the pain all around us. and also, just as crucial, you know when NOT to laugh and when things just AREN'T funny.
and when i am going through pain, you never give me trite advice and tell me to "cheer up" or "snap out of it". and you never have said anything to me that made me feel uncomfortable about sharing too much of my pain. you have just let me express myself fully in it and go through what i needed to go through. you just sit there calmly and don't judge me for it or make me feel wrong for feeling it. and i love you and thank you endlessly for never getting caught up IN my pain and letting yourself get too distressed about what i am going through. you all just keep on with your lives and continue spinning and crocheting and doing your life. and because you do that, after i have had my big long ranting fit or my big long wallow, i go check up on what you are all doing and i see all the things that you have been busy with. and it's just the kick in the butt i need and the reminder that i desperately need that i do not HAVE to stay in my painful little space forever. i can elevate my energy back up and get out of it. because i look at you all, and i say to myself," i don't want to be HERE in this pain, i want to be THERE, where YOU all are, realizing your dreams through discipline and focus and , most importantly of all, trusting in the grace of the universe no matter how illogical.

so, THANK YOU, i APPLAUD you!
you are all irreplaceable priceless treasures to me!
you have made such a difference in my life!

and i also thank and applaud myself for seeing these things in you all because in doing that, i see these things in myself. and it keeps me in balance.

and so, yes, all of this writing here i have done was completely ESSENTIAL for my process in making hats. i needed to acknowledge all of these things in you so i could acknowledge and solidify these things more completely in myself. and thus, not get sidetracked into making hats that don't completely express my intuitive creative path.

because you know, after i bought all that classy expensive yarn and getting my ego a bit bruised at that fashion show meeting, i started to make this hat i thought would "go with that show". i wanted to prove to myself that i could make this totally "classy" thing that an "upscale" women could wear to a very classy bar. and you know, i just didn't have the fire in me while i was making it.
and that was because it wasn't taking ME anywhere new. it was not taking ME along on a journey of discovery. i was not surprised by it. i knew EXACTLY what it would look like when i was done, and because i knew exactly that, it held no mystery for me. and so the process had no point to it for me, except to just get a finished product. which i'm sure would be NICE, and i'm not saying that people who DO do it that way, that way is any lesser than mine. it's just that it doesn't do it for ME.

and because it doesn't do it for me, i had to detach and let go of all the extremely beautiful hats that were in my mind (just waiting to be created and waiting for people to love them and wear them) that couldn't be created with a process that would take me on a journey to discovering anything new, or just plain and simply being delighted and surprised. and that was sad and frustrating for me because i want those hats to be made.
but i think more importantly, i wanted that cozy warm feeling of satisfaction that i COULD, that i CAN make hats that "the establishment" would adore and approve of. because i've never done anything NORMAL that i can show "the establishment" (whoever all that is) that "HERE" here is PROOF to you that i CAN think "normally" if i wanted to. SEE, i DO have ORDER in my mind! i AM CAPABLE of fitting in and doing something "understandable". i'm not just some whacked out hippy on the fringes crocheting weird ass hats and doing "performance art" on the internet. i CAN make a hat that is CLASSY and TASTEFUL and that people would wear to CLASSY and TASTEFUL events! and i CAN because inside me i AM capable of being classy and tasteful! i'm smart! i'm intelligent! i can get "credit in the real world". i can gain your acceptance if i WANTED it badly enough. ya, i could spit out the proof for you with both hands tied behind my back , riding a unicycle, and singing "god save the queen" backwards! there IS order in my mind! there is REASONING. CRISP, CLEAR ,COLD-AS-ICE, CUT-YOU-LIKE-A-RAZOR-BLADE REASONING. HERE is my PROOF.

and as much as i do, woefully but understandably, wish for their acceptance and approval of me like some overlooked child passed off as "a little bit touched", my crisp clear cold as ice cut you like a razor blade insight into myself knows this would NEVER truly satisfy me in a million years and it would just be an empty victory. because, in the end, these people would only be approving of one small aspect of me. and even if they did not know it, it would be the aspect of me that is smart enough to know how to play that game if i wanted to. and i don't want to be applauded for that, because that is the cheap, vindictive, "i can play your stupid game so that makes me top wolf", inauthentic way of being.

(holy cripe. did i just use the word "inauthentic"? i have picked up a few artsy fartsy words here and there from listening to what others artists say about their "process". it is necessary "language" because it works, i guess. and so, i use it, begrudgingly and whincingly.) oh dammit, fuck this apologizing :) it's a good word and i'll use it.

and so, anyway, that was a lot to work to swim though and a lot to detach from! all to make a stupid weird ass hat! unreal!
but i truly marvel and pat myself on the back for working through it this FAST this time! that was LIGHTNING speed of processing! and i applaud myself for catching myself getting veered off the path that is best for ME and QUICKLY realizing that this is a mistake i have made in the past and so NOT to go down that rode. when i was younger and more inexperienced and did not know myself as well, that could have sidetracked me for a DECADE. being not experienced enough to honour my spirit as much. (lord, did i just say "honour my spirit"?). i could have lost myself into making hats for acceptance, trying to gain the approval of people in a scene that didn't want to allow me to be authentic and actually would disapprove of authenticity for that would mean they would have to look at their own path and authenticity, too.

ok, i took a many hours break from writing this and now i have returned to see if there is anything i'd like to add in conclusion. but...i don't think there is. but if i think of anything, i'll revise this :)

sorry to get all lovey and hippy, i just do sometimes :) like i should have to apologize for something like that :)

look i can rant about something POSITIVE for a change!
go me :)