March 6th, 2004
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5:36pm

instead of cleaning i am listening to audio samples at audible.com for which 2 new books i should get since i have 2 more book credits because i was too lazy to call up and cancel this service yet.
listening to the "diary of anne frank" but i don't know if i want to listen to winona ryder reading it. and now i'm listening to "me talk pretty one day". and i listened to a sample of "grwoing up lutheran" which sounded interestin if only i had been born a few decades earlier. i might get it for my dad if he doesn't already own it. it's hard to get my dad books because he is already read everything. but now his eyes are getting poorer i am thinking audio books would be good for him. although i think he told me he doesn't like audio books. but maybe he just hasn't had a good one. dunno.

i think i want to get some comedy books this time. i need to laugh. i thought maybe the ellen degeneres book would be good but it got bad reviews on audible. hmmm. now i'm going to listen to a sample of "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right". is that comedy or is it tragedy? ha.

ok, i'll go put some laundry in...

jason's taking a nap which is almost unheard of. i hope he really IS taking a nap. that boy is in need of more sleep.

4:47pm

brrrr. it freezing in here. i turned on my heater.
i am cooking a hot curry chicken and rice soup.
had cantaloupe for breakfast. i don't write in here what i eat every day now. i kind of got bored of that.

i need to try and keep my energy up today so i can clean more.
i don't have much energy but think that may be because i am so cold.

i'm going to go put some laundry in now.

3:57pm

well, i had another semi pretty ok dream. the first part of it kind of sucked where i was in a bus with a bunch of guys who were on tour and i was trying to get their attention by writing the notes but i ended up using my fur coat to do it. so by the end of the evening i was missing the sleeves of my coat since i had ripped them off and handed them over to them with notes about how in the morning we should all go and get some pancakes, etc.

one of the guys in the bus was johnny depp and somehow we ended up walking to my parent's house in the suburbs. or we ended up in the suburbs soomehow with no where to go and so we ended up knocking on my parent's door at 1:30am and waking them up so they would let us in so we had somehwhere to sleep. they were confused about this, especially since i was with johnny depp but they were ok with it.

maybe i had written a screen play on the coat or else i had handed johnny the screenplay in paper form earlier, because then we were talking about that. it was a dark comedy that was a spoof on porn. one scene i am getting fucked by a dildo on the dining room table when in walks johnny depp , nonchalantly, looking for his pack of cigarettes. he walks over to me and takes the dildo out of me and looks in my pussy, briefly and nonchalantly, for his pack of cigarettes, then puts the dildo back in...like you would lift the lid on and off a car of cookies or open and shut a refrigerator door. and goes on looking for his cigarettes elsewhere. i said, i was thinking of deleting that scene because it might be too stupid. and he looks at me and says "oh no, i think this is one of the most brilliant things i have ever read!" and i am happily shocked at this in the hugest way! and he says "and in fact, if you would be interested, i'd really be interested in directing this. unless, of course, you were..." and i say "well, actually, ya i was wanting to direct it." and he looks at me and says "yes, i figured that, that is totally understandable" and then all of a sudden i realize i would be stupid to not let him direct it and i say "but you know, i have never directed anything before and i know nothing about it so i would be honoured if you would direct it and if you would let me then just watch how you go about that so i can learn from you".

and so that is that! johnny depp is going to direct it! wow. what a cool dream :)
i feel like writing a screen play now :)

 

3:55am

i'm still eating that chicken i baked awhile ago. that thing lasted me forever.
tomorrow i am going to make a chicken curry rice stew from it.

2:55am

wow, finally got caught up on all the ana2 biz! i was a week behind!
now i am going to go load the dishwasher and clean up some kitchen mess and maybe take out some garbage.
life can creep up on you like that.

money spent at the dav thrift store: 49.84

here is what i got:
man's 2 tone suit from the 60's that FITS me! wow! must have been a tiny guy! that was $20
1 100% silk grey super large sweater (for like 2.50! all the sweaters were pretty much that price!
1 mans 100% wool sweater
1 mans grey super soft extra large cotton sweater
1 very delicious true red 100% silk shirt! 2 bucks!
1 angora silk sweater
4 brand new drinking glasses
2 brand new sterling silver champagne glasses (very nice! 3 bucks a piece!)
3 lead crystal wine glasses (also very nice! and .80 cents a piece!)
a bunch of misc spoons, forks, and one knife since i need some more 'cause i bought some dumb silverware from target that the plastic handles all broke off of eventually. now jason will be happier because i won't be stealing all his silverware and glasses :)

i will probably use the silver and crystal glasses on a record or a demo some day. i often use things like that in my songs because they make such a beautiful ringing sound :)

 

i like photos that catch me in "mid movement" and aren't particularily graceful.
it's just interesting to me to see myself in this way since it is a part i never see and it just cracks me up somehow.

this is me as jason makes a phone call to wake me up because my alarm doesn't work.

unwinding and winding yarn

my dream about unluckymonkey

"i had a dream about you and your store.
i came over to your house which was also the store. you lived in the woods and the trees were as tall as redwoods. the sun filtered through them very pleasantly. it was fall and all the leaves were many colours and they were still attached to the trees somewhat and also a ton on the ground. but it was a very warm fall day.
you house was small, like a mobile home. maybe it was a mobile home. it was darker in there and cramped but still really comfortable with a beaten up comfy sofa and an old tv.
you were working on all your things for the store and i was really tired and i had a cold. i just wanted to hang out while you made stuff. i was hungry and you had an entire freezer full of bananas that you kept and you gave me one. at first it was frozen and then it warmed up like a warm peanut butter and banana sandwhich.

you also had an old sofa on your lawn and i went out there and looked up at the sun filtering through the trees. and then you had to go somewhere, i think, and i said i better get going, too...

and little flashes of other things keep coming in my mind like a digital alarm clock and a toaster, but i dont know what that is about...it's all rather hazy now :)

basically it was a good dream :) the only part that sucked was that i was tired and had a cold."

12:11am

something i wrote to artvamp:

i totally understand what you are saying :)

i never did change my name to ana voog, tho, because i felt it suited me better and it certainly was never a "persona" i created for myself. i have no idea why so many people think that of me. i am still the same person as i have always been. there was never any split between "rachael" and "ana". even tho so many people (who don't know me) liked to TELL me that there was! ha :)
but now i've adapted to the name change and it feels natural to me. and when people call me rachael now, it feels somehow wrong and far away. which is a very strange feeling for me because i always was very attached and territorial about my name (rachael) and i could never have imagined being comfortable being called anything else.

but i can imagine very well losing oneself in a persona and getting confused. because i am an actor (even tho i have never acted in anything, i still feel i am..i don't know if that is weird of me...but that is who i feel), and i have tried on roles for very brief periods and i can imagine it being very tempting to be completely taken over by it.

i think i made peace pretty early on with all the conflicting pieces of myself. i certainly have many contradictions, i just have never given each one a name. i just call them all me :)
i can feel the side of me that would make an excellent serial murderer. if i had no conscious, i could really find an art in that.
however, i know that is terribly wrong and just not a path i wish to go down and it's not a side of me i wish to nurture. i can be terribly dark and i can be ridiculously light. i guess it could be confusing to a person if one thought that all the sides of onesself HAD to be in perfect alignment with each other. i think a lot of people think it has to be that way and they are driven crazy from it. just like almost the entire world is driven insane by it now.
like fundamentalist christians and all that stuff. or even really "evil" people who are just as scared of their light side as some christians may be of their dark side. and so we stuff all these sides away because the paradoxes confuse us. probablt one of the worst ways to feel is to feel "who AM i anyway? who is the REAL me?". a question like that can drive a person nuts. i mean, who REALLY knows? heck, i can feel and be so many different ways even just within one day. and of course, i yearn for one single solid "identity", too.
i used to be so troubled by this that fretted over WHY did i have this love for vintage dresses but i was this punk rock chick. HOW did these long vintage dresses fit IN with ME? i know that will just sound ridiculous to some. but i was just in turmoil over it for the longest time. i would collect the dresses and stare at them and wonder how on earth i could incoorporate these into my being.
then i chopped them all off short, then they "fit" with me.
i know that would seem really shallow to some. but i am just trying to show to what stupid degree i took this to in my search for myself and my quest to harmonize all these aspects of myself.

but then, and this is where it gets really tricky,
i can remember a whole bunch of my "past" and "future" lives.
(all time being now, so past and future are the same)
where does THAT fit in with who i am NOW?
i mean, i was a queen, a deformed runaway, a little japanese man potter, a pretty average regular wannabe actress, an indian brave, a big macho asshole, a half human half android rebel, probably countless shit upon prostitutes, an ethereal "lightbeing", an alien child from a distant planet, and who knows, maybe even a serial murderer and god knows what other interesting and boring things.

where on earth does that fit in? will the "real" me please stand up?
and WHAT'S my name?

who knows. i'm all of it. and at the same time, somehow and illogically, i'm none of it...

i don't know. it's a weird trip, huh?

thanks for sharing part of yours with me and being the impetus to write this :)

 

+++

something i wrote in my hat journal:

i did the burn test on the silk chenille, and i think it did burn and not melt.
also, i took some off the spool, and when it was just in my hand it did feel a hundred times more soft and silk-esque than it did when i feel it just wound up so tightly on that cone. i can tell it is silk now by how it drapes. it is also just so LIGHT! kind feels like how angora yarn feels so light in your hand. i am really pleased that i bought it now :) i don't have time to crochet it right now (but i may anyway, since i am illogical) but when i do, i am now thinking i may make a floor length coat out of it instead of a blanket! ooo. i have no idea how to make a coat, but hey...i think i could do it. i am wondering what it would look like if i made a squiggly coat like my squiggly hats? or maybe just a squiggly collar on it is what i would do. cause making it squiggly would take the drape out of it. i should probably just crochet a little bit of it each day just to satisfy myself.
that guy is still selling it on ebay if anyone wants some. i WOULD recommend it.

i am already so behind on making hats for the show. i was aiming to make one a week, but i have fallen behind.

maybe i should enter less hats and work on my silk chenille coat with a silk chenille matching hat? hmm. something to think about.

fuzzybumblee and i went thrifting today for sweaters to unravel for yarn. but most of the sweaters i bought are ones i want to wear :) and only 2 or 3 bucks! i did find a little ugly angora silk sweater and i was so excited to take it apart but it was a huge pain in the ass that i did not understand. i don't knit so i just don't understand it's construction. i don't know where the end is of anything. i don't understand ribbing and how that fits into the picture. i just don't get any of it. and now i think i've made a mess of it but hey it was only 2 bucks.

to wear, tho , i found a yummy grey soft cotton and a yummy 100% silk one. both of them ribbed v necks that are extra large and look like they are for a man. and i found a bunch of other great stuff. but my prize was a man's 2 piece suit from the 60's, slightly 2-tone, it's an olive green. and it almost fits! i am 5'2" tall and the length of the pants is EXACT! and also the length of the sleeves! wow! this is unheard of. just the waist is too wide but i am going to bring it in to a tailor. i have been looking for a man's suit to fit for me over a decade! now i can look all cool butch dyke laurie anderson :) yes :)

fuzzybumblebee's prize was a sweater knitting machine! i think i was a brother but i'm not sure. she said it looked very new inside the box! and she got it for $15! wow! i can't wait to see what she makes with it :)

I LOVE THRIFTING!! i really miss my job working at the used clothing store, ragstock. man, maybe i should try to get a job at a salvation army or something...

nah...

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