March 3rd, 2004
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things i wrote in my hat journal:

yarn overload

so i sold my car and 2 expensive hats which alowed me to go on a yarn binge. the kind of yarn binge that makes you need a coca cola afterwards because the excitement of it lowers your bloodsugar and makes you shaky.

i got the silk chenille today and i have to say i am disapointed in it as i really did think it would be a lot more softer than it is. don't get me wrong, it IS soft. but it's not any softer, to me, than rayon chenille. in fact, some rayon chenilles i have felt have been far softer. maybe i just did not understand what silk chenille would feel like. i have vintage silk velvet dresses and i guess i expected it to be as soft as those are. or maybe there are softer silk chenilles out there but mine is not THEE softest. and maybe that is why they were selling at such a cheap price? it still is going to make a delicious soft blanket. but i want an orgasmically soft delicious soft blanket. i am even wondering if it silk. since i don't have any other silk chenille to compare it to, i cannot tell. it most likely is. but i am not 100% certain. i wish there was a way to know. i probably can't tell just by dyeing it since rayon and silk would both dye equally well, i'm assuming.

i went to a store called the three kittens with fuzzybumblebee and i got so much yarn! i bought a whole bunch of linen because i love the stiffness of it for sculptural things. i got some more silk that is exquisite. all of these in really subdued black, grey, olive green and this really smooth stone that is black with bits of green in it that i want to add to it.

then i got these yarns that were very pastel and antiquey. like an old dress from the 20's or 30's. that salmon pink, olive green and cream and very light creamy yellow. some in rayon chenille and some in handpainted ribbon. and some in a very soft viscose and linen.

and then i got some eyelash yarn in monster green :) like moss furry monsters and that is going to be a super long scarf for me :)

oo, and i got some of that colinette giotto in "frangapani" colour? i cannot remember. "frang" something. the giotto is definitely my new fave yarn and i wish i had STACKS of it in every colour now. it is so subtle and intricate yet still with such substance. i'm just in love with it and could stare at it all day :)

the rest are to be hats to sell. i thought i knew exactly what yarns were going to go with what and i thought i knew what kind of hat i would make with them, but now that i have gotten them home and played around with them some, i have way too many combinations and possibilities going on in my head and so i am now lost and paralyzed by it.

and i've run into the problem i have that is when i get such gorgeous yarn that speaks for itself and needs nothing else done to it but just to be made inot a simple hat...i then cannot do my elaborate hats with it. because it just seems too much to do anything to it as it is already elaborate enough all on it's own.

and while you would think this would make me happy because this will take less time...it actually makes me frustrated because i love to make really elaborate hats best. if i make a simple hat with gorgeous yarn i did not make, then, i feel like i didn't really have anything to do with making the hat beautiful. there is none of my personality or process in it. and so, it doesn't fulfill me or make me feel challenged.

but i certainly don't want to force my personality or vision on a yarn or fabric that doesn't fit with the yarn or fabric. 1st and foremost, even before my vision, i have to let the yarn or fabric tell ME what it is that it most wants done to it. what can i do to enhance it's beauty, bring out more of the beauty that is already there? showcase it in the best possible way? but these yarns are like natural beauties who don't need anything added by me!

well, hmm, that is not totally right either (as i type out loud here), as each one of pinkpeppercorns yarns are each natural beauties who do not need anything from ME, certainly, yet i was still able to use them as a palette to express what is was i wanted to express.

i don't know. maybe i am just having yarn overload and possibility and option overload. i think that is probably it. and i am in just one of those "twitterpated" ways where i am afraid that what i do to the yarn will ruin it and i don't want to do that because it was expensive.

or...this is just a new challenge for myself that i must face bravely head on and dive right in and experiment and come what may! i mean, i can always unravel things if i hate what i am doing. although i am not an unraveller at heart. in fact, i think i've only unravelled 2 things i've ever made. if i start making something i hate i take it as a challenge to figure out how to make it better and i don't give unravelling to myself as an option. maybe because i think like a painter and a painter cannot (usually) unpaint the painting, but he or she paints over it (like i crochet over my "mistakes") or incorporates the "mistake" into the painting somehow.

but...i must remind myself that i DO have that option.

i'm glad that pinkpeppercorns gave me the twitterpation word because that is EXACTLY what i am doing right now.

and as i twitterpate on this the household chores that NEED to be done RIGHT NOW, are boiling over on the burner.
so, i really should just put all of this on hold and go pay my bills, and do the dishes and all that kind of thing and maybe when i come back to all of this i will have calmed down.

 

ok, one last thing. am i the only one who enjoys winding yarn into balls by hand?
i think perhaps electrickat also enjoys this.

i have a swift and a ball winder and i use those for really huge or tangly skeins. but i just love most the way a ball of yarn looks when it is a sphere. well, as most of you probably already know, i have an obsession with orbs (among my many obessions...but many of my obsessions are orb based...marbles, globes, ball bearings, superballs, BOOBS!).
but sometimes even after i've made those into center pull balls, i will then take it and wind it by hand into an orb!

it also pleases me because it looks old fashioned. whenever you see a kitten playing with a ball of yarn in a photo or drawing, it is not some center pull ball or skein. it's a nice round ball. and i am indeed a cat! (maybe that is why electrickat likes them, too?) :)

center pull balls just do nothing for me visually, even if they are more convenient. i love to wind all my yarn into balls and set them all over my house to look at. someday when i have a huge shelf for my yarn, i will be so happy to see all my yarn orbs all in a row like beautiful sculptures in and of themselves.

 

7:44pm

sold my car and she gave me 500 bucks in cash! i don't think i've had that much cash in my hands since...i don't even remember! mmmmm. wish i could keep it! but tomorrow i must rush to the bank so i can pay my rent and the phone bill and my server bill, etc etc etc etc.

i didn't know that getting tabs and new license plates was such a painless process. good to know for the future.

4:00pm

day 3 of dealing with the car. today should be the last. we go back to the DMV at 6pm with the extra form.

money spent: 7.95 + 4 for shipping= 11.95 for a bunch of silver beads like the kind of the silver bubble hat.
plus a $33 overdraft fee because i totally forgot that i had started that new checking account for my paypal and that there was nothing in it, so when i paid for that auction with paypal....well...voila. :(

i'm so behind on things i need to get done. just a bunch of mandane stuff. but i have to now really get focused and get the mundane things in my life back in order. ack. life is about spinning many bowls of cherries.

but i'm sure glad that i am dealing with little stuff rather than getting blown up by suicide bombers.

my mom sort of did a weird kind of sort of apology thing. but i haven't written back to her yet. it is still just totally overwhelming to me.

i realized last night, just a little bit, that even tho i still freak out about things, on the whole, i'm feeling a lot stronger as a person. stronger maybe in the sense that i have a thicker skin, i have less patience with bullshit, i feel more of a bitch, and i feel i have the ability to be a bit more cold and detached. i know that sounds just horrible. and i think i felt bad about it for awhile there, but i don't feel as bad about it now. maybe that is the part of me that is feeling stronger, it's the part of me that doesn't feel as bad about this change in me.

jason just got home so i will type more about this later...