March 2nd, 2004
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9:16pm

the car started and she loves the car. we went to the dmv but there was one more form yet to fill out so we are returning to the dmv again tomorrow. i'm glad my car is going to a good person who will take care of it well. i told her a bit about grace, my relative who owned it before she died.

my mom is just freaking out on me now and condemning me for my feelings and just saying all sorts of stupid stuff she's said to me before. it makes me just want to retreat and never speak to her again. i am completely overwhelmed by it and i have no idea how to respond, if i even have the energy to. i just don't know. it all makes me have a sick feeling inside like rotting bile. she is telling me that i am overreacting. and asking me how on earth can i feel condemned or invisible. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do.

i'm glad i have jason and my yarn and hats and my dogs and PBS and coca cola. it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

i didn't want to write to her "feeling" statements. i just wanted to tell her about my hats and the car. i don't understand how it escalates so quickly into total pain, madness, and chaos.

i don't know what to do.

 

 

4:57pm

i just bought an obscene amount of deliciously tasteful yarn for hats for my hat show. $282.46
i'm glad i'm selling my car! yow. oh shoot i just realized i totally forgot to take pictures while i was in that store!
i get so yarn obsessed i totally spaced it.
i need to go nuke a tv dinner now. i haven't eaten yet today. and that girl come over in an hour for the car.

my house is a total pit. i must commit myself to cleaning it SOON!

i want to take pix of my yarn but the lighting in my bedroom is not broght enough to capture it's true beauty as it's a very very grey day today.

fuzzybumblebee's japanese chin named king came with. he is such a lovey little wirey silky guy :) and now my dogs are sniffing me like mad because they smell him.

 

2:06pm

oh no. nope, she couldn't just leave it at that. it was a whole "don't you want a mom? make a decision" letter.
god fucking god.

i wrote back:

"why do you keep asking me if i want a mom and asking me to make a decision?
am i not emailing you? does this not say to you that i am trying ON THIS LEVEL?
can we just email each other and can you please just not push me for more?
can i reveal what i want to you reveal to you when i feel READY to?
can i please not be tested, quizzed, pushed, prodded and dissected and be made to feel guilty for my process?
i CANNOT go any faster than this. i CANNOT give you anything more.
i can email you sometimes. this is what i can do.
and if you can just manage to not make me feel BAD for what i write or for what i don't write, PERHAPS i will write more.
but you certainly are NOT going to get me to write or open up to you AT ALL if you keep this up with me and don't just let me be!

i FEEL angry, prodded, undervalued, INVISIBLE, condemned, and exhausted."

1:37pm

jason woke me up at 1pm. so tired but glad to be up.

my mom wrote me back a cheerful email about she is happy about my hats. ha.
good thing she did not argue with me. very smart. man oh man.

must get dressed now for 3 kittens with fuzzybumblebee.

pooka has this weird thing that he likes to tip small things over with one paw especially when he is a bit excited or bored.
i will go hug him now. squish buster.

6:03am

going to bed now although i am not tired. and getting that dumb email from my mom didn't help.
i should not check my email before i go to bed.
jason is going to call me at 1pm to wake me up. and around 2 or 3 i am going to the three kittens with fuzzybumblebee. doesn't that sound lovely? 3 kittens is a great yarn store. i think i'll take pix of all the yummy textures and colours in there. ok, i hope i can fall asleep soon and stop being so aggravated with my mother. i'm so sick of being angry with her i could just spit.

5:01am

above hat:
the little spiders are made of wool and the legs are made of something that is an awful lot like cat whiskers! pluckyfluff spun the yarn and spun the spiders right in! she made each spider by hand. and also she spun in shimmery cocoons. the whole yarn has a real delicate shimmer to it :)
and then the white yarn is nice yummy fuzzy mohair . mmmm :)

it's a simple elf hat for the gothic elf in you :)
you sure aren't going to find another hat like this one because you'll never find a spider yarn like that! truly unique!

$59 (sold!)

+++

 

god, i'm so pissed. my mom has wanted to have an email relationship with me but i haven't been able to write her because i am so mad about so much stuff. so she writes me just odds and ends and what she's been up to. and i can't bring myself to write back yet because i don't know what to say that won't piss her off or isn't something about being mad at her. and i think about this for weeks. then she writes me this weird quiz test thing that i did not understand. where there are 10 statemenst i am supposed to rate the 1 to 10 on how much anxiety each statement makes me feel (WTF?) and i'm like, are these statements real or what?

she writes:

Try to answer if you can. Rate each on a scale of 1-10 for which statement cases the most anxiety for you:
1. I'd like to go out for Thai with you. I'm buying.
2. I love you and I miss you
3. I'm thinking about buying a condo as an investment. Would you be interested in living in it if I did?
4. I am moving to Philadelphia.
5. Sometimes I think you might be better off if I never contacted you again
6. Forgiveness seems like a hard thing to do for some people.
7. I'll give you some money if you need some.
8. Sometimes I wish I had never divorced your Dad.
9. I have no anger towards you about anything
10. I would like you to tell me about your anxiety..

+

(get a gander at those LOADED statements can you believe??? what the hell is THAT about?)

so, i write back and say "you are moving to philidelphia?"

+

and she writes back:

"No, these are hypothetical questions. Except for the fact that in reality I love you, and I am always scouting around for real estate. I can't remember all the questions. It was a stress level quiz for mothers/daughters who have problems."

+

to which , to me, that just seems downright bizarre. what kind of stupid quiz/test is that and how on earth is that supposed to help ANYthing?? what am i supposed to say to that?
so i think and think and finally i just decide to say what is up with me in the most nice way possible.

+

i write:

"i don't really understand the point of asking me hypothetical questions.
but it's no biggie.

i have just been working on hats.
i have a hat show on may 25th at first avenue. it is going to be a bunch of local bands and local designers.
i am trying to get together 20 hats for it.
i sold a hat for $500 and another hat for $400 the other day to this cool artist woman living in bevery hills :)
i hope she tells all her friends and i my hats can gain a following with the rich avant garde.
that is exactly what i am striving for , so that made me really happy.

i have spring fever big time.

i am finally selling the car. this girl is coming to get it tomorrow.
i'm selling it for 500. the blue book price for it is 800 (i think).
i'm sad to sell it. but all it does it sit there and cost me 60 bucks a month to park it."

+

and she writes me back:

"One feeling statement? "

+

and i'm like WTF?? so i write:

"mom, i am writing to you which is hard enough for me.
and now you say that isn't good enough?

thanks."

+

ok, now i'm looking back on other things she emailed me...
here is what she meant by "feeling statement"

she writes:

"What do you think about writing one feeling statement to me? I'll start. Today I am feeling energetic but I have to work on taxes so when I think of that I feel like procrastinating. Overall I am feeling contented today. "

+

ok, tell me if i am wrong, but wasn't what i wrote to her just as "feeling" as what she wrote me??
did i just say that am HAPPY about my hats and SAD about the car???

hello????

+

so i just wrote her now...

"you wrote:

"What do you think about writing one feeling statement to me? I'll start. Today I am feeling energetic but I have to work on taxes so when I think of that I feel like procrastinating. Overall I am feeling contented today. "

so....you feel energetic. you feel like procrastinating. you feel content.

i wrote:

"i have just been working on hats.
i have a hat show on may 25th at first avenue. it is going to be a bunch of local bands and local designers.
i am trying to get together 20 hats for it.
i sold a hat for $500 and another hat for $400 the other day to this cool artist woman living in bevery hills :)
i hope she tells all her friends and i my hats can gain a following with the rich avant garde.
that is exactly what i am striving for , so that made me really happy.

i have spring fever big time.

i am finally selling the car. this girl is coming to get it tomorrow.
i'm selling it for 500. the blue book price for it is 800 (i think).
i'm sad to sell it. but all it does it sit there and cost me 60 bucks a month to park it."

I FEEL HAPPY ABOUT MY HATS
I FEEL SAD ABOUT SELLING THE CAR.

are those not feeling statements equal to your feeling statements??"

 

++++

i didn't write this to her...

GOOD FUCKING GOD. CAN I PLEASE JUST HAVE A NORMAL FUCKING EMAIL ABOUT NORMAL LIFE SHIT WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE MADE INTO A HUGE FUCKING ORDEAL OF FEELINGS AND TESTS AND QUIZZES ABOUT MY FUCKING ANXIETY LEVELS???
LET ME RATE THIS ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10 YOU CRAZY WOMAN. YOUR STUPID ASS QUIZES AND DEMANDS FOR "FEELING STATEMENTS" MAKES MY ANXIETY LEVEL A FUCKING 444. OK?????

what the fuck am i supposed to do with this situation???