February 20th, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

6:55pm to 4:40am...

the 9 hour long non-linear rambling rant manifesto of manifestos!

i weighed myself today and i actually lost weight. i don't know how.
i would have thought with all those almond butter and honey sandwhiches i've been eating and all the sitting and never moving i would have gained. but i'm actually down about 2 or 3 pounds. go figure! so i weigh 108 today.
and i'm so excited for spring right around the corner so i can go on my walks!

my dad told me today that i don't have to pay back the money i owe him! wow!
i am floored! my money luck just keeps getting better and better!
this means i can save this month for next month if i need it!
i'm pretty sure after i pay my bills this month, and pay off a doctor bill from long ago so i can get more migraine medication, i will now have a tiny bit extra to cover me for next month.
BUT if i can just keep selling things...i will have that extra money for even longer.

let me make it perfectly clear , before you read this, that when i
refer to men, i do not mean all men, and when i refer to women do not
mean all women. there are HUGE generalizations in here. also, i do not speak for all women, obviously, i speak only from my own experience.

it's weird but just the other day i was visualizing what it would be
like to not be worried about money. i wasn't doing it as any sort of creative visualization exercise or to try to manifest that reality.
but i just wanted to feel what that would be like again. so i just
"pretended" for a few minutes that i didn't have a money care in the
world and it felt so good to feel that kind of peace again if only for a few minutes.

but since that is exactly what you do when you want to manifest your
own reality, by "pretending" you already have what you want and are
already "there" to where you want to be, i am wondering if that , in
part, helped in manifesting this money luck i am having right now. and i am pretty sure it did!

that makes me happy because it is just the positive
reinforcement/feedback i need to know that creative visualization
really DOES work for manifesting. i knew that it worked because i have done it before and it worked. but every time it happens to me, i am equally as surprised as if it had happened to me for the first time. i don't know why that is. maybe because there is just so much going against that "philosophy" in society that i just lose my way? or is it just that i am lazy? or force of habit? i don't know. but if it works this well, why am i not doing it ALL the time? and why do i not stop those negative thoughts and redirect myself into the positive all the time? i think it is laziness/habit.

i am wondering if i think positive thoughts about my mom, if somehow
that could redirect the path we are on? and i think perhaps the reason i don't do that is that i think that by
choosing to think positive thoughts about her, this will "let her off
the hook" . and i don't feel she deserves this. but i pay the price for this.

if i am so sure this works, and i even see it working in my life, i was asking myself this for the past few months, why is it that i do not pray more often? by praying i mean, creative visualization. they are the same thing. and i think the most powerful kind of praying a person can do is to give thanks. because giving thanks puts you already "there" where you want to be. when you pray for things you want but do not have, all you are doing is reinforcing that you do not have something that you want. when you give thanks, you are reinforcing that you have what you love, and therefore you get more of it.

i think it is selling "this kind of thing" too short to call it a
philosophy or a religion or even spirituality.
i think of it as more like a technology. and that if you can understand the laws of this technology, you are able to take advantage of it and live in harmony with this system. like using gravity to work FOR you instead of against you. like harnessing water or the wind to create energy for you. the law of what you give you will receive is exactly the same as the law of if you throw a rock into the sky, it will fall back down to the earth.

there is nothing good or bad in this law. there is no one supreme being behind it doling it out to the worthy and denying it to the unworthy. it has nothing to do with punishment or reward. it is a completely neutral energy exactly like gravity. and so, if you can learn to use a water pump to receive water, you can learn that the energy you throw out into the sky, like a boomerang, will return to you.

maybe i don't pray or creatively visualize more is not because i am
scared it won't work but because i am scared that it will and i don't
trust myself enough to know what it is i really want. it's that old "be careful what you wish for because you may get it" thing. what if i get what i want only to find out it isn't what i wanted at all?
and then...once i have arrived at the destination and it isn't giving
me all the peace and joy i thought it would give me, i will be scared. because after that...what do you ask for next? where do you go from there? maybe it is the fear that NOTHING will ever give me ultimate peace or joy. and that no matter where i arrive, it won't be the "right" place.

and so rather than face that fear, the fear that nothing will ever make me truly happy, it's safer to just keep my "ultimate perfect life" at arms length so i can just dream about it rather than live it. because if i don't ever have it, it can never hurt me. like never wanting to meet your heroes for fear they will disappoint you.

like when i finally made it on to a major label. after ALL that
dreaming and ex pension of energy and focus for over a decade, to
finally arrive at the place i thought i wanted to be only to find out
it wasn't what i thought it was going to be like at all. and in fact,
was truly disappointing and actually horrible.

and i'm still trying to get over that one. because i still want to do
music, but my entire vision for doing music was to be on a major label so that i could have access to all that money and power so i could "do things right". because, sadly to say, most of my musical ideas will take hundreds of thousands of dollars to complete in the way i need them to be completed i order for me to be satisfied with my creation. and so , rather than do something half assed , i'd rather not do it at all. it's like if you have a felini movie in you that just has to come out, but all you have is 100 bucks and a video camera to do it..and that is just not going to suffice.

and i realize that limitations very much more often than not force me
to think in new ways that i would have never thought or created had i
not been brought up against that obstacle. i am the QUEEN of that.
i am the queen of "stick me in a room with a dirty rag, a jar and some toothpicks" and i'll create not only an opera from it but i'll pull several rabbits out of my ass while i'm at it.

this is both a curse and a blessing. it was a curse for me when i was
on the major labels.because they could see what i could do for zero money, they would always refuse me money to work with. because they knew i had done great things in the past with no money.
if the labels can, in any way, starve the artists of money for them to MAKE more money, they will surely do it.
and of course, it makes perfect business sense. and i can understand it coming from that angle.but the problem is that they were not LISTENING to the artist, me, when i told them what it was i wanted to do and they did not have the scope/the vision/the holistic foresight to see that i was trying to do something of QUALITY and that it would take money to do it right. to hire the right people to help. etc etc.

i mean sure, when they gave me no money, like for instance money for
wardrobe for my album cover (i am talking here about
radioactive/MCA...the 2nd major label i was on. i wore a saran wrap
dress. and i came up with an outfit that was just alphabet stickers
(remember that one?). and that was fine, for that time.

but when they saw i could make a video (the video i made that is on my anavoog.com cd), all by myself with just a video camera (yep, i made that entire thing by myself!), it turned out awesomely cool. and then they wanted me to do it again for a video to "hollywood". they
begrudgingly gave me $5,000 (i think it was that amount, it may have
been 3,000) to make it. well, if you want to do something in film with people who don't know what in the heck they are doing, $5,000 is
nothing, sadly. i'm sure if i could have worked with people who were
experts, we could have done a lot for $5,000...but then the people who are experts and know what they are doing want to be paid well.

so, in order to (i hope this isn't boring you) keep all that $5,000 to go to actual film, renting of lights, and post production i had to find people who were "hungry" to work on my video for me.
i've always despised that term" hungry" in the "biz". the biz uses it
as a term for a person who will do what you want them to do for free or verrrrry little because this person just wants the
experience/notoriety/whatever from having worked with you. like an
intern is "hungry". i always thought it was such a degrading term and
so dehumanizing as if to imply these people are starving that we can
get them to work all hours of the day and night for a slice of bread.
like illegal migrant workers. the slave trade. etc. and it is. it is
EXACTLY like that. because these people are usually young and new to
the biz they are more than happy to be "used" because they do not yet
understand what their worth is and they don't have the experience yet
to charge a price, and they are not yet burnt out on it so they are
like happy little naive energizer bunnies. or sometimes it can be just a person who has worked so hard for so long in the biz and gotten nowhere, that they are just finally beaten down and grateful for anything they can get. grateful that someone finds them valuable.
because we all want to feel valuable.

(i'm just going to stick this in here...i am actually proofreading this now and trying to tie up ends. the point of this is that because i wasn't given the money to do something correctly, with
professionals...what radioactive received was an unprofessional video
from me that they hates, and actually, for good or for ill ( i think
for good) helped me make myself less desirable to them so they would
drop me and let em go...because at this point i wanted off badly since i saw that they were NOT going to support my vision in the slightest. but i still didn't want to make a video that *I* thought was bad, i wanted to make a video that THEY would hate because i was trying to make something super uncommercial and uncomfortable...which is kind of ironic and brings me to a whole other tangent on how gary WANTED me to be a hideous monster...but that is another story i will say later)

the trouble with using people who are "hungry" , besides the obvious
dirty feeling of taking advantage of people, is that they DON'T have
the experience in what they are doing and so 99.99 times out of ten you are NOT going to get the results you want if you really care and have a very EXACT vision of what you want and you need quality.
that is WHY the people who charge so much charge so much because they
know damn well how valuable they are and they know that, in the end,
after all is said and done, their expertise will SAVE you time and
money.

of course, there are those that just charge RIDICULOUS amounts for
their services.but i will blame the record companies for that because it is THEY who set that precedent and started that game and keep that game going. instead of EVERYONE in the biz banding together and keeping their prices low to help each other out...
lemme put this a different way...once artists see how much the biz DOESN'T care about them or their vision. and once they see how royally screwed over they were when they
were taken advantage of when they were "hungry" and then discarded like an old rag once they started seeing how valuable their contributions actually were and then started asking for a slice of the pie...that utopian dream of "we are all doing this together" , and "art can make a difference. WE can make a difference! we ARE making a difference" was shattered when they realized that the biz doesn't give a shit about that and only cares about how they can line their pockets at the expense of everyone else...the artist is transformed by this experience. as any human being would be to go through something that traumatic. and the artist then either breaks away from the system and says screw you! (like i did), or the artist becomes one with the business and just like in The Borg of star trek, they are assimilated into the bitter game and they say well, if everyone else is not in this to make art that makes a difference in human lives and uplifts us and it is all about money and power and sex and drugs and ego stoking (which is not a tough leap to make for many male artists as most will admit they started their band to get laid which i guess shows the miraculous power that good CAN come from something so stupid, and that spiritual depth CAN be found and art that changes lives CAN be made when they realize the way to get laid the most is to truly dig deep into your soul and produce real art. because, as we all know, real at is a true aphrodisiac to the female (and the male).

(lord, was that all one sentence and i didn't even complete it yet?
where was i...)

ok, or the third thing that CAN happen, and is very rare, is that the
artist is strong enough and spiritually centered enough or has a good
network of truly good centered people around him/her that they can
actually play that game, keep their integrity, call the shots, and
still produce real art that touches peoples lives.
but to do that takes more than just being centered, because the label
will drop you in 2 seconds flat if you stick to your artistic vision
and don't have the power to back that up. some artists don't have the
sales (sales =power) to back that up but i think they have some sort of genius in snake charming and can just sort of entrance the biz people around them to follow them into this vision even tho it is not an obvious money maker. this is actually easier to do than you would think if you are spiritually evolved enough to not get a big ego over your remarkable snake charming (and to NOT do it out of hate or as a power trip in ANY way!)and also let the universal energy work through you and not mistake that energy as solely coming from you. because the people at the top in the biz have no souls or identities, i can say this with certainty. as certain as i am that politicians have no souls or identities in that they choose to base their public platforms on what they think the
people want to hear instead of what that politician believes in his
heart, is the best way to go about things.

and that is the only remarkable thing i could say about president bush is that he at least knows what he wants and makes no qualms or
apologies in saying what those things are then goes about making those visions so regardless of what the public thinks. and THAT is why he is so powerful and why people follow him, it's not at ALL because he stands for what THEY believe in THEIR heart. it's that he stands for that conviction and certainty they lack in themselves. they want to feel "clear" and "certain" and it's just so much easier to latch on to someone else's certainty, like some sort of half formed embryo, and pretend it is your own than it is to dig deep within your heart and find your own place/foundation/heart to speak from/stand on/ BE from.and that is why the leaders of cults do so well. they say, i will be CERTAIN for you. i will be your foundation.

and this is why there is such a HUGE group of people who admire evil
people and they say stuff like "i admire him for being such an asshole because at least he's out there admitting he is an asshole and not lying about it! and this is a really sad state of things when we look up to people for being true to their assholeness because we have so few people being true to themselves in this day and age, it seems.

anyway, back to the soulless people at the top of the music biz. i was saying that the grounded person could snake charm them into doling out the money for their vision because since the people at the top are true narcissists (which the definition of it is actually a person who hates themselves and has no self identity and so puffs a facade around them in place of a soul, and this is very important to know: aligns themselves and identifies with those who they feel DO have the power, and in so aligning take on the power through osmosis from their host) what they are they on the top for really, is they have no artistic vision themselves, no soul, no identity...but if they OWN a bunch of people who are artists they can, like a parasite living off a host, delude themselves (and the world around them), that all these accomplishments the artists did are actually THEIR accomplishments and the artist should be GRATEFUL to THEM for their own gift to create. and that the artist would be NOTHING without them when it is actually the other way around.

i also really hate it when i see artists give away their power by
saying, "without the fans, we'd be nothing!" true they wouldn't be
there IN THAT WAY without the fans but they wouldn't be "nothing".

if the artist can be aware of this entire thing and stay above it and
detached from it and not get sucked into the delusion that it is the
people at the top who are making this happen, and not the artists
themselves, then one could play into that and start a kind of twisted
game where you would let the biz person think they had the power (
because you have to let them have that or they will drop you because if you aren't going to mirror back to them their own fabulous selves, they will drop you like a hot potato for someone that will). and one could weave them into your vision and make them think it is THEIR vision and therefore what THEY want (because in reality they are all lost souls with no vision at all, that is the reason they sign artists because they can't tap into that universal creative love tap themselves as they are too cowardly to go within and face all their demons to get there. and you have to do that to get to the source, there is no other way) they are secretly jealous and even downright hateful and sadistic to the artist. they want to BE the artist but because they can't , they decide, in their jealousy , that they will control and horde the artist and make the artist think that they are dependent on him.

it is truly a sick and dangerous game to play because if you create TOO much of a desire for the biz person to be you/identify with you then you run the risk of the biz person getting to wrapped up in you,
thinking that you are THEM. and they will start fighting you/hating
you/sabotaging you as they sabotage themselves.
it will start to become too scary for the biz person as they are
allowing themselves to be taken on your journey...which is only a
journey of self reflection, it all is., and then they just start
sabotaging you and making you jump through sadistic hoops in order to
make sure that you know they own you and but more to satiate their ever growing need to know that YOU were created from THEM. they know damn well it didn't come from them, and so this need will NEVER be filled. if they can make you jump and see you jump, each time higher and higher, they can delude themselves into thinking that indeed, you are part of them as an arm will move because it is connected to the body. they being the body, you being the arm.

when it comes to that point, then you had better be making some money
for them thou. (side note...i could NEVER play this game because it
would be too draining and #2 it is doing a disservice not only to me
but to the narcissist and to the planet by allowing the narcissist to
think that they are actually getting away with their twisted behavior
and that it is working for them. even tho know that my refusal to play that game will not change them, i do think that if we ALL refused to play that game with them, they would be forced to SOMETHING! i will not enable or play into sick behavior, even if it only temporary and won't be "hurting anyone" and that i could probably advance a lot further in my career if i did. but at least i can let them know that that kind of mindfuck will not work on ME. and that is all you really can do.)because then you really CAN detach a lot more and not play that game as much because now you can say , "you want me to make more money for you?" but you still must put on the act that you are insanely grateful
to them and that without them NONE of this would be possible. because
more than even money, i think that is the need that drives them
more...the need for them to feel that they are in control and have the power. they already HAVE enough money so money can't possibly be the true driving force.
but money IS the driving force in that the biz person can go "look how successful i am because i own these artists".
like owning prize winning horses.

anyway, i think U2 is a good example of a band (sorry to all those
people who are "too cool" to like U2! bleh!) who has played that game
and rode that thin line and used it to their advantage, not in just
making money, but in making art that changes people's lives. and THAT
is why they make so much money, because we all feel that genuineness
coming from them. and even when they are not being completely genuine, we realize they are good people and will eventually find their way back "to us" which is back into our hearts...because U2 stayed focused on THEIR hearts. but also it is easier for u2 because they are men. (side note: people who are ooked out by u2 and oprah, who believe that their genuineness is fake, are only seeing that because there is no genuineness in themselves. because how can you see and acknowledge that which you do not own/have/comprehend in yourself? all we are doing when we "see" other people is acknowledging little pieces of ourselves. i'm
NOT saying that oprah and u2 are 100% always genuine and that they do
not have faults. i see their faults and am glad for them because i see how they are able to forgive themselves for having those faults and still love themselves. oprah and u2 ride dangerously close to that thin line of letting the universe work through you and mistaking that universal energy as actually YOU and emanating FROM you not through you. and i think they sometimes cross that line, but then are mature enough to keep themselves in check...i also think they purposely surround themselves with good people who will keep them in check.)

and to have stayed that big for so long, i KNOW with absolute certainty they played that game. they had to. but i'm also certain that they never had experience what i did or so many female artists do...which is that whole be sexy but don't be a slut yadda yadda thing. and i'm sure that no one in their record label ever saw them as a pretty blow up doll to collect and control some sort of sexual power game with.and not the game that was "oh, look i'm so smart, i outwitted everyone and did WHATEVER it took to get to the top" but just..somehow were able to ride that dangerous wave and stay balanced.we definitely saw them wipe out some times. but that made them all the more human.
this is also why oprah is as popular as she is.
oprah and u2 may not be your cup of tea, and that is fine.
but you cannot deny these things about them.

and not to compare myself to oprah or u2, well, ok, ya, i AM going to
compare myself to oprah and U2, dammit..why not? (this may not be a
GOOD thing in your eyes, lol ), but i think that is why anacam was as
popular as it was.that staying true to yourself thing and being strong enough to stand up for your true heart and what you believe in with all the conviction in the world. and also then strong enough to go back and admit when you were wrong or naive or even plain selfish and learn from your mistakes and show the world your process and show the world that it is ok to stumble and fall and make mistakes and then admit your mistakes, LEARN
from them and then you are ANOTHER shining example of staying true to
yourself. and people want that. people NEED that. people need to see
people making mistakes and then learning from it and not raking
themselves over hot coals for not being perfect.
and maybe anacam would be more popular still if i had somehow managed
to not get burned, or at least didn't mind showing others that i got
burned and having the guts enough to lick my wounds in public.
i think i did do that for awhile. i was able to sustain that for quite some time, remarkably. and i think that is perhaps the one thing that pissed off my haters so much is that i showed i cared what they thought about me, and i admitted that they hurt me, but i took that as a brand of honor and strength for admitting it not as a weakness. i didn't try to be a hard ass about it. (ok, sometimes i did!). but whatever they said and did they could not make me shut my doors on my own light.

of course, i am not superhuman and i have my limits.
and i have to respect that and not get too down on myself for it.
i have retreated in here for awhile, maybe forever.
but a lot of that has to do with my mom , too.
that was basically the straw the broke my back , so to speak.
but i hope, i am mending.

and, sadly to say, there SEEMS to be so few public people who do this
(be true to themselves...sorry i am going back and adding huge
paragraphs in between paragraphs now to fill in the gaps...but this
makes for a more jumpy connection to some sentences)

anyway, i'm glad that i did not know all of this back "then" when i was making music. I was, absolutely naive, to these "evils". i really did believe that if i was a "good enough person", people would see this and want to support that. because it wouldn't make sense to do otherwise if you are in the business of changing the world and uplifting people through music and
art!i thought the people at the top must be really "spiritually evolved" to have gotten to that high exalted place.
and so i made the mistake, as millions of artists do, that they must
know what they are talking about or else they wouldn't have been so
successful! and so, you change for them, and jump through hoops for
them, and be ever oh so grateful to them. and slowly, before you know
it, you are just in a place that isn't at all how you imagined or
wanted it to be. and these people are NOT on your side AT all. in fact, they despise you. and you have lost yourself and your way.
and it is such a mindfuck, because no one will admit this or talk about it, and it is all done through "minions"...

but if i go back into music, and part of my healing process is to write this out. and it has taken YEARS to work through this! i will come at it from a very strong foundation of knowing even more completely than i ever knew before, what it is to be an artist.
i guess i had to lose it for me to recognize what it was. i had always taken my artistry for granted and never really questioned what it was for or what i could do with it. i just "was" and "did".
and i do yearn to make it back to that childlike untaintedness of it.
and i think, through some miracle of grace, or i am just genetically
blessed, or just absolute refusal for it to be any other way,
i still somehow maintain my childlike wonder about the process.
and i am still able to approach creation with a new eye.

and so throughout the years of me examining what on EARTH that fucking godawful mindfuck i experienced was about so that i can learn to NEVER let that happen to me again...and i have gained so much insight into this just by writing this down tonight. don't know what the deal is with writing things down that makes it all more concrete and in view. it's not like i am writing anything tonight that i haven't thought about 5 billion times. maybe it is just the acknowledgement that i have worked this out SO much (what happened to me) that i marvel at myself for being able to actually form clear thoughts about it that make sense and thoughts that aren't just "why why why!" and then i go curl up in a ball.

it's comforting to know that i can make my experience VISIBLE through
words. and it is not just this unpronounceable confusing pain that i
had before. i can look and see HERE are the words. this experience was real. it is not invisible anymore. it has a name.

and because i now see it's name and have named it,
i can get the hell out of the way when i see it coming at me again.
because the reason i did not want to make music anymore was because i
was so afraid that it would be used against me as a weapon again.
as a woman's own body is used against her as a weapon during rape.
this was, for me, not rape of the body, but rape of my soul, my very
being. how could i ever show myself to the world again if i cannot stop them from using myself as a weapon against me?

wow, you know what? i cannot even TELL you what a long, dirty arduous
hellish path this has been for me to even get back to a place where i
would even CONSIDER doing music again. where the thought of it does not make me want to panic , throw up, and hide.
i am perhaps (again with this analogy) like a women who is considering to have sex again after being raped. and i am not really sure if sex will EVER be the same again, as i am intrinsically maddeningly tied to what once was and that cannot be denied. but i am at least pondering the thought that it could be enjoyable again, in a different way. and how to i make peace and love this "new me" this "new approach" to making music as i am forever now changed from my wounds. how do i see my wounds as not some sort of constant reminder of pain, and therefore my new process of approaching music as not a constant reminder of pain and loss. how do i let my pain "just be", as a companion i will always now have. and how do i incorporate it into my repertoire of process that will not make me bitter?

how can i make myself into MORE than i imagined possible through the
pain, and also quite a bit despite the pain? how do i make myself MORE from this experience and not LESSER?

that was a huge paragraph i inserted there.

ok back to this...

people who are "hungry" , little "yes men", who tell you "hey, i didn't make the rules, i am only enforcing them...i'm in the same boat as you are!" are just as evil.

and so you are trying to get your vision across to some intern who is a lost little sheep who doesn't even know who he or she is or what they even like or dislike yet...and in turn HE/or she has to believe it in order to go "sell" your idea to the next up in line and so on and so forth. (and why on earth did i keep having to sell them my ideas?? they SIGNED me for crying out loud! hello?)
and the possibility that these interns are wise old sages with the gift of holistic vision and foresight and also have the gift of
communicating in a way that persuades people to also join in on this
vision, is at absolute zero.

it is just as big as the government. and these places are SO big now,
you are like a lost file at the IRS.
i don't know how many of you have had the sheer horror of finding out
just how disorganized and stupid the government is and how the left
hand has no idea what the right hand is doing...well, look around you
at the state of the word today...

anyway, the government and the music biz run exactly the same way and
the same type narcissistic empty people are attracted to it now.

i thought i was lucky, with my last label to be able to speak of my
vision directly to the president, gary kurfirst.
because when i was at SONY/columbia (my 1st label was very much lost in that shuffle...although sony DID absolutely understand that to do
something well you have to put lots of money into it and pay people
well and pay people who know what they are doing. and they didn't rush things as much. i'm not saying throwing a bunch of money at something makes shit into roses. but in the case of my music, it deserved to be treated by professionals who had SOME semblance of art and were creative enough as people in their own right to bring something to the table and make a valuable contribution.
a cook who knew when to add something and when to let a food speak for itself.they did want quality. and i think that shows in that spool forka dish has a completeness about it that anavoog.com did not.it was sure a wonderful gorgeous and luxurious experience to experience making spool forka dish "right". i still listen to that album today and there is not a THING i would change!
it just hummmmssss with completeness :)
it's a good and valuable thing to know what that kind of feeling feels like so i can use it as a foundation/knowledge from which to spring forth, when i feel so inclined :)
i am a very lucky person to have experienced it.
and that is why, even tho columbia/sony turned into such disappointing fuckers at the end, i still wear this bracelet that i received from sony as a birthday gift. even tho the person who picked it out for me ended up ruining my album cover and i hate her for that, but mostly i hate whoever put her in charge....that bracelet will always make me remember that day when i thought i had finally "MADE IT" and i felt i had finally arrived to a place where i belonged, with like minded kind beautiful creative genius people whose one and only sole job was to LIFT my vision to a higher place where all the world could see it!and this made them happy beyond compare. and i thought all of life is
going to be so exciting and wonderful now. and as much as they
disappointed and betrayed me , in the end, they can NEVER take that
perfect moment away from me. never. i refuse to let them do that.

*sigh*

ok back to this....

but i was not lucky to be able to talk directly to the president,
because little did i know he was the narcissist of all narcissists,
the mother of them all. and little did i know that he was so deeply
deluded and had such a deep loathing hate of himself that he would
write me emails and tell me how much he wanted to die despite all the
material wealth he had. and he would tell me that i am the ONLY person within his musical empire who will talk to him ( gee, i wonder why!) and would ask me almost daily if i was scared of him. (wtf?) and i'm not sure if he WANTED me to be scared of him or what! but i always said no, i wasn't. because i wasn't. what i saw was a scared little man who was utterly lost and kind of wanted to find his way out, but at the same time, was sickly addicted to feeling that way.
in retrospect, i think i should have lied and told him that i was
scared of him. because i think what he really meant by that is "do you respect me?" " do you see that i am a powerful person?"
(ok, i take that back, what am i saying?? i do NOT wish i had lied to
him!)
because he was CONSTANTLY yelling at the bigger people up in the
company ( he was prez of his label but his label was a subsidiary of
MCA) to the point that it was embarrassing and painful to watch. he
would puff up like a rooster and turn absolute BEET red, i mean redder than i have ever seen a person turn or even thought was capable of turning). he would yell and scream and puff himself up like one of those little birds with an amazing display of feathers in order to look bigger than they were. and you could tell they were not impressed. and worse, even the people lower than him were not impressed and he knew that. and he hated feeling that much out of control. (but at the same time he yearned for a place he could be out of control, because i knew someone who knew someone who worked in a dominatrix place and gary would come in there for his regular beating, i'm assuming)

the more powerless he felt, the redder he'd turn, the louder he'd yell, the more he did that the more it was so obvious he was not in control. and also could not be respected.

anyway, i did not know this about him when he signed me. he seemed like a perfectly reasonable man to me.
and he seemed perfectly nice and absolutely completely aligned with my vision! every single idea i came up with he LOVED. he said his label was smaller and that everyone in his label cared not like those
"bigger" labels. HERE, at his label, they cared about the artists
vision, and he made it a point to stress every single moment he could,, that they were "rebels". and he took great pride in the fact that he had gone down to cuba helped support big audio dynamite to play in cuba even tho it was against american law to do so. he was a very macho guy. he wore a shark's tooth necklace around his little hairy chest, for crying out loud.

but because they were a smaller label, they had to cut corners on my
recording sessions (so he said...i say cheap bastard!) and go into this cheaper not as good place. and i had to record it in faster amount of time, so i wasn't able to put in all that detail i would have loved, and indeed had to even leave in mistakes.

and when we mixed it, my god that is another horror story for another
time!

but everything was going along as well as it could be until...the day i made a decision that would change everything...

i got a boob job. (story of that to continue later...)

let me have a glass of wine before i continue...

oh wait, and let me just add as a side note that there is another huge mindfuck in the industry in that the industry wants you to be "fully formed and ready to sell" in other words, there is no room for artists to learn and grow. what the industry does now, and these are their words is "throw a band to a wall and see if it sticks"
talk about blind!
but at the same time, if you know exactly what you want and what your
vision is, and you don't let them to have any input to change you into what THEY think is you, then they hate you and resent you and call you "a difficult artist" and "ungrateful". and then all the "minions" that work for the higher ups that are the ones who are actually in charge of the grunt work and logistics of making it all work, they want their say, too. they want to leave THEIR mark on you so they can have that in their resume. and also, again, for their soulless ego to morph and "borg" with.
and if THEY don't get to see their little imprint in their work to
satisfy them, they will be the ones who ultimately sabotage everything you do. by not promoting you, by fucking up your art work, by sending you on pointless empty tasks with other difficult people.
i mean, for instance, and this sums up what it was like on
columbia/sony:

they sent us, the blue up? to a photo session where we, of course, got very highly made up and were in our best finery. and it was my birthday that day, too, so immediately after the photo shoot. and i mean, immediately, as in rush from the shoot, hop in a cab, then go to this restaurant that was supposed to be for all of us to meet the people who would be working on our album so we all could get to know each other and solidify the vision...
and so they could give me a birthday cake. so we show up...i'm all in
glitter and rhinestones and a silver anna sui jacket and silver boots. and let me say i had not eaten all day so when i saw the tray of fresh fruit i ran towards it immediately and began stuffing my face before i let anyone take me and introduce me to people which i knew from experience would lead to an entire evening of introductions until everyone else had eaten all the food but me.

(that happened to us a lot like when we drove up to play on some
godawful cable tv station and they ordered all of us and the staff a
pizza, and then while we played everyone ate every speck of that pizza and we had not a CRUMB for us after a 4 hour day of driving in the car to be there and setting up and then playing only to find that they had the worst sound system and most inept people running this entire thing...i cannot even TELL you.)

anyway...so on my 1st bite of a melon ball, because i was so rushed i
CHOKED on it!and could not breathe! but no one was noticing this (why would they notice the girl in silver on which it was her birthday and without whom none of this would even be happening?) and i had that panic attack of ohmigod i am going to die right here! and how embarrassing will that be! but i managed to somehow cough little coughs enough to finally dislodge it from my throat, but then for the rest of the evening i was hoarse and could barely even speak without coughing, so i just didn't get in ANY good networking or hobnobbing like i should have. and believe me, i am DAMN good at the hobnobbing part!

so...back to my point..which was a small point in a bigger point.
a point within a point within a point.....

some stupid ass jealous misogynistic guy who unfortunately was the head honcho of the 1st small branch of minions/capillaries in charge of my record, and he decides (i'm sure he had already decided this WELL before), that i am some sort of fake frilly poseur and not real and rock and roll enough for him because i was a girl and i had FASHION sense. i just came from a photo shoot, hello???
thus began his "less glitter, more music" (yes, his exact words)
sabotage campaign against us. (yes, no men in ROCK were EVER into
clothing, fashion, make up or ANYTHING as shallow as THAT! harumph
guffaw!)
you have to also remember that we are an all female band, and we were
just the 2nd wave of them. the 1st wave being the go gos and the
bangles, and the next wave being those women who were inspired by them to "be a women in rock" (babes in toyland, L7, hole, the blue up? etc)...(and i hate that term, women in rock. like we are not PART of the rock, we are just IN it. grrr.)
and warner brothers records had just turned down signing us because
"they already had an all female band"
(which they had just signed babes and toyland who were, musically, our polar opposites at the time)

and the other thing that sealed our deal to being dropped from columbia ONE WEEK AFTER THEY RELEASED OUR CD! (i am happy that they at least were kind enough to release it. but it had nothing to do with being kind and everything to do with they had sunk 1/2 a million bucks into the recording of it..yes, i kid you not!
that is how much "studios of quality" cost. something like 500 or 1,000 or more bucks an hour or some sort of absolute ridiculousness....but then it is THEY who write into the contract with you that they are OBLIGATED to record you
at the studio of the highest quality! so go figure!) which brings me
back to the point i did not finish hours ago about that if EVERYONE in the biz would just LOWER their freaking costs, things would not get so insane and heated about whether or not a band would be "successful" or not (success being, being in the top 20...which is all rigged ANYway...and is just a huge payola scam but that is another chapter/book). but no one is going to lower their costs because #1 they have made it so those are the rules of the game now and #2 everyone is in it for the big bucks not the art or many time s for the art and ALS the big bucks...but why charge less when everyone else is charging more, who are you to be so stupid as to get left out in the cold on such a deal? and #3 the big labels WILL pay it because that kind of money is NOTHING to them. THAT is how much money they make.

oh..the thing that sealed our deal to being dropped is our A&R guy (the person in charge of you) who was VICE president of A&R (so we
thought we were safe), was fired. i think he was fired for being too
creative and actually having a vision). so , we became politically
untouchable as no one was really sure why he was fired and so , to take no chances, no one would touch the bands he had been in charge of. slimy cowards. his name is david kahne and he was the one who produced the bangles, romeo void, and a bunch of other great bands. it's actually HIS whistle in the "walk like an egyptian" song. ha :)

and i think it is sad that the record companies have brainwashed their artists so much that the artists are now siding with the record
companies about the illegal downloading of songs. yes, it IS true. it
IS wrong. it IS stealing. and yes it DOES take away money from the artist, especially the HUGE artists who ARE finally making money from their albums despite the fact that the record labels still make over 90% of it!and you know, i FEEL for them because they DID work hard to get where they were only to have people stealing from them. and they DO deserve every penny of what they earned from that, even if each penny they earn is ridiculous excess they will NEVER need.

but they would make, and EVERY artist would make SO
MUCH MORE if this corrupt system they have in place now could be
destroyed by people not buying the records!
i know i know...this is a tough one to call. and i'm only guessing it
would turn out better. and of course i'd be pissed if people were stealing my music. and, of course, i have downloaded songs for free, so i am a total hypocrite.and i'm NOT for stealing! and the people who are stealing are NOT doing it for some grandiose cause like "fight the system" or any such bullshit. they are doing it because they want stuff for free. plain and simple. i just want those dinosaur record companies to die.

back again...

because i have been there and seen it and experienced it with my own
eyes, i KNOW how much of their soul and heart, and time, and energy and effort went into even making that absolutely vacuous pop single. as much as people will disagree with me BECAUSE THE POP STARS MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY. it is SO not easy and the amount of focus, and desire, and discipline went into making themselves AS TRANSPARENT AS POSSIBLE (and that is no small emotional feat to make yourself SO transparent that the masses can project and see ANYTHING in you (their own selves) which is why these stars are so big because we all see a part of ourselves in them...a part we love, a part we hate, a part we wish we could be, a part we measure ourselves AGAINST and rail our minds AGAINST like a dolphin or bat does with sonar so that beeps against things to know where IT IS. sometimes all people know to feel alive is to feel alive by NEGATIVE "this is not me and i hate this...so therefore i am not THIS..and "NOT this" is who i am" and a lot of us are addicted to that, myself included, because in throwing ourselves against a wall, we can feel the definitions and boundaries of our own bodies and minds. and if we stop doing that, if even for a moment, we are scared we will cease to exist. because we have not been taught and we have actually UNVALUED those people who do go inside and make that painful person messy sticky
embarrassing confusing and almost always unresolved journey into "who
am i REALLY?"

anyway, it's easier to be a cult figure than a huge mass appeal pop
star. really. i know we like to think the opposite, but it's not true.

anyway, i am not trying to be a know-it-all, but i am just trying to
say because i have come from that place,that deflecting that amount of judgment/confusion/hate/love/projection
and STILL remain a healthy sane functioning individual who is still
able to go out there and "give it their all" night after night after
night...and all the magazines writing things about them, and having to discern who is your real true friend and who isn't.
and then as a WOMAN on top of it and all the things i have just
described to you about how the music industry works. and just ohmigosh, when people tell me that britney has no talent i just want to STRANGLE them.as if all she does is just wiggle her ass. lord . it is intense for ME to be able to manage all the confusing energy hurled at me daily by a few thousand people, and at one point for a good few years, a few million...

i cannot even fucking fathom how much strength it takes to remain sane and functional and POSITIVE with millions of people projecting on you all hours of the day and night. no wonder so many turn to drugs.and CAN you imagine what these people would be capable of if they had been taught that their art or even just hard work and dedication could be used towards uplifting humanity, healing the planet, helping us to come together as one for a common goal and or vision (concerts) instead of teaching them that the HIGHEST achievement they could EVER attain through their singing/dancing/art/dedication/focus/drive/discipline is
mere ENTERTAINMENT and the promise of a good financial future?

these people have it in them to be the PRIESTS and PRIESTESSES of our
day.but what do we do? we use them as our own psychic garbage dumps, and we project on them and use them as scapegoats for our OWN illnesses.i'm not saying priests or priestesses in the way that they have some sort of direct line to "god" than us "mere normal folk" (and that is another sad problem that we deify them only to tear them down)...but in the fact that they are TEACHERS in the great art of "showing us there IS joy in the universe, and reminding us that YES! indeed that IS what we are here on earth to do and be! and that through song and dance and beat, and words, we are not here to FORGET who we are and grow NUMB to it so we can have a weekend of letting go and carnal pleasure before we return to the daily grind of being robots for "the man". we are here to REMEMBER! we are not here to lose ourselves but to FIND ourselves.
we need priestesses and priests to REMIND us and KEEP reminding us that it is ALL within our power to go within and find the god within us all that does not separate us all and make us mini gods, but makes us ALL one "god" WHEN we work together and realize that we are powerless without each other.
we need to DEMAND that of our priests and priestesses and not give our power over to them. they cannot do our spiritual work for us. they can only help point in a direction.
but TOGETHER we CAN each of us be individuals and express that
individuality COMPLETELY and i mean COMPLETELY. that together does NOT mean losing ones individuality or rights and does NOT make anyone
lesser or bigger. but together means connecting all together and
realizing that the energy is shared and the scary as hell thought that we all do effect each other...but this is not losing oneself in a sea of sameness or compromising so much that one can neither turn left nor turn right without offending another.
but a knowing, so deeply, that there IS unlimited resources for ALL of us. more. more than we could ever need!
the only reason human beings cause pain with one another is because we are scared that if we don't define our territory (in our minds, in our bodies, in our thoughts, in our beings) and that if we compromise so much, we will disappear, as in starve to death, as in have no power left for us to make decisions about our lives. and the illusion that there is lack.and our ingrained or genetic, or whatever you want to call it, desire to create a heaven (a place where there is no "lack" where either everyone is equal and everyone gets along...or you are the sole ruler and so no one can touch you or harm you).

but this is wrong thinking! (and i am fully aware of the paradox and
hypocrisy of making such a statement in light of all i have said). we
don't see that TOGETHER we all have more individual power AND are able to use this power unlimited to create whatever or heart desires!
some will say...well, there are those whose sole happiness and desire
is to cause pain to others!
i will say, yes, that appears to be so. but i think these people are
only that way because they are OBVIOUSLY feeling disconnected to
everything. if you really realized you were connected AND there was no fear of losing ones self or lack in any way whatsoever, then i do
believe these people would lose their interest in harming.
is this EVER going to happen any time soon?
i think not. and maybe i think not because i am choosing to create that reality and enforce it. maybe we all have no one to blame but ourselves for enforcing the thoughtform/reality that we are separate and that there is only "this much" power/money/food/ to go around.

and then there is the old, well there HAS to be evil, otherwise how
could we know what was good?and again, i think this brings back the point that we are afraid that if we do not have something to throw ourselves against, we will cease to exist, cease to be able to feel who we are by being denied the
feeling of who we are not.and so, *I* am willing to take that leap into the unknown...i am willing to
"give up" my addiction of throwing my thoughts and my being and my soul against things i deem evil in order that i may have that pain, that security, of knowing i am still here and am me and exist.
evil has no purpose, perhaps , except to serve as training wheels for
those beginning to seek who they are.

like cutters who are addicted to the pain because it is the only
manifestation that they exist that they can see and understand. and
like men who roam the streets at night looking for a fight, because is the only "manly" acceptable way of expressing their own internal pain. (i dated a man like that for many years. it was weird for me to witness it.) but here we do it even not as individuals, but as gangs, and as nations. "if we do not fight against that which is not america, america will be swallowed up by the other! we don't identify as "america" as everyone knows, america means many things to many people. when the middle class white guy wants to kill "the other who is not me"...it's not because he is scared that will mean less freedoms for the immigrant female from another country who came here to escape being married off like a piece of property to a family she did not love. just as much as we, as "america" are not "liberating" iraq or afghanistan because of those poor women who have to hide their bodies under clothing because men are too fucking lazy to take responsibility for their own lust and have some fucking discipline to not go fuck a hole as soon as they see one or are offered one.
as we, as america, do the EXACT same thing where we have a huge event
SPONSORED by a drug that is meant to keep the man hard on command
(control control control!), then freak OUT and condemn a woman who
shows her nipple. a woman who was brought up and TAUGHT that the most she can do for humanity, in a way, is to ENTERTAIN or shock with her body and not to ENLIGHTEN or bring visual pleasure with her body and that this is not something to be ashamed of but it is just something that IS. i feel bad for the men who receive the message that the deepest thought they should have is about sex or beer and if they are to show how smart they are, it is to make more money than or outwit the enemy.and i feel bad for us women that we are being taught that the most power we can ever attain is to snake charm the man, the narcissist (and i say this for the reason that narcissists cannot determine who is them and who is not them. to them EVERYONE is them (this is NOT the same as feeling ONENESS with the universe!) and therefore everyone must feel what they feel as they feel it or want what they want when they want it. and they feel it is their RIGHT, as men, to fuck any hole they please because THEY are feeling it , and since everything is an extension of them, that hole is theirs to fuck. and heck, it MUST be an extension of them because that hole made them feel like they must stick
their dick in it. and because society is taught that there is lack,
they better fuck that hole before someone else does! and get their
pleasure while they can get it! much as we are raping the earth now for the immediate pleasure for hamburgers or cigarettes or what have you. we are UNABLE and UNWILLING and perhaps, tragically have even FORGET how to see beyond ourselves, to see how we are connected, and how what we do has not only short term pleasure effects but long terms effects that may not be as pleasurable!

so....we haven't learned a damn thing, and we are NOT listening to our teachers, many of them artists who listen and teach about our
connections.

when i see the people railing against gay marriage.....this is NO
different than the black and white movies (ha!)we saw of blacks getting beat up when they tried to sit in front of the bus or go to the same schools. we say we have learned from our past mistakes, but we haven't at all.or this gay rights thing wouldn't even be an issue.

and when we rail against janet jackson for offending us and harming our children when she exposes a nipple. this is NO different than beating a woman for showing her elbow or face or hair in another country.just because we are so "civilized" as to do our beating of the woman with verbal abuse and with "civil" means like "lawyers" and "the media" and "freedom of speech".

this is absolutely NO different than beating/stoning/ostracizing and
shaming a woman for her elbow. NO DIFFERENT AT ALL.

and if you think it is different, you are plugging yourself into some
sort of mass hysteria and mass delusion.and you have to ask yourself. WHY?what are YOU so afraid of?

scared of lack again? scared that to show so much of the body "it will take away the special parts reserved for your husband"? if all you women showed your breasts daily and were gazed upon by a million men or more with lust...does this take away a part of you and diminish it any more than people of some tribes believe that if you take their photograph it will take away a piece of their souls?

and women who are scared that the women who are showing their breasts
are hogging attention from men that may be spent on them if only those other women didn't "hog" the attention.
be HAPPY for these women who can show these men for how they truly as
and then CHOOSE YOUR MATE WISELY. don't choose it blindly! knowledge is power! if that man wants to leave you for the woman with the "insert better body part"...then that man was NOT for you! and i know some of you are still in that thought that ANY man is better than NO man.because we have been taught to express our power by how well we can "keep a man". and again, like the narcissist (i hate spelling that word! aa!), we align ourselves not with our own inner power, but with the power of "the other". the men we marry are the symbols of what we truly wish to express in ourselves! (and vice versa)

and hey, i am all for opposites attract and just loving and accepting
your mate just for how he or she is and not because you want to BE
them. but i argue that those who are able to be at peace with that are already peaceful within themselves and are happy and knowledgeable and centered of who THEY are as people. and they are the ones who are able to do that, and appreciate the other more fully. because they know that if that person died or stopped loving them, they would still be themselves and not cease to exist by not relying on their own self esteem or identity to be wrapped up in another.

and i'm not saying that we must all be islands within and of ourselves. as i have stated earlier. and i know then that is the tricky part. and the part that *I* have definitely been stumped on for decades at a time!

how do you be YOU and all YOU can be while still compromising within a relationship? where do we draw the line (and women this is our weakest point) between doing something to make US better/learn and grow, and what will make "US" (as a unit) a stronger team/unit?
where do we draw that line between what is a healthy compromise/
sacrifice for the good of us, as individual people, and for the good of "the whole"? because, and biology backs up this fact, women, in
general, ARE able to think in terms of the whole/the whole
picture/holistically...and we can see how things that are seemingly
unrelated are very much so related... as my entire RANT right here
right now can attest to!and because so much of this "whole" is a "future whole" and is more than likely based upon our curse and our blessing to fall in love with the POTENTIAL something or someone holds rather than the here and now
reality...it makes it all the more tricky! because that brings in also the zen thing of living in the now versus living for the future.
and if we live completely in the now, for our pleasure and our pleasure alone...aren't we then just becoming men and making the same mistakes that they make when we seem them thinking about their egos and their pleasure by the constant search for a new hole to fuck?

(i am hugely generalizing!!!)

and when we see the politicians and businesses not think about the
future and the big picture by raping the earth and its people all in the name of "big bucks now"...how do we not become selfish and shortsighted like that yet still livein the moment, and not sacrifice ourselves so much we lose sight of who we are and be
brainwashed to believe that an entire powerful nation can be brought to its knees in turmoil over the flash of one small nipple for one small second?
women, we are told we are powerless. but then look how much power we
hold in JUST ONE NIPPLE! and we are shamed for having this power and we are told it is dirty and we are told it is the property of ONE man alone to gaze upon. even tho the nipple is the gateway to ALL food as babies!

i don't know...it's seriously fucked.
i think i am starting to run out of steam here...
i have been typing for 5 1/2 hours now...
anyway, what i was saying, is that for janet, we don't give her enough credit for what an amazing individual she is.
but it is sad, but i do not shame her for it, for i know how hard it
must be and is...it is sad that the only way she could think or feel comfortable to express her OWN power in her femininity/body and her control and pride of it, was for her to tell a boy to reveal it in a somewhat violent fashion, as "a mistake", and then for the BOTH of them to give the impression that they were horrified/shocked/embarrassed by "this mistake". and to be "forced" to publicly apologize for this many times over.

i would have loved it if janet had refused to apologize and just said
"it's just a nipple, get over it. and it's my body, i'll do what i want with it" . and it would have been so powerful for her to reveal it
herself instead of choose to portray her giving that power "that
duty/that right" to a man.

and don't get me wrong, i argued for days in favor for her to choose to have justin rip it off and not her. after all, it WAS obviously her choice. she just made the facade that she wasn't. and i argued that it was not portraying a sexual assault (but in hindsight i can see that it was, a bit).and that it wasn't violence it was PASSION.
because i love my clothing to be ripped off in the heat of passion, but of course, i am giving my CONSENT to having it be ripped off. as janet also clearly was. or it obviously could not have happened!

but, i see now that she chose to portray a look of shame and horror as it happened, and kept up that facade afterwards as well. (to not lose money, i am sure) but i also must point out that justin also feigned shock/horror/embarrassment at the revealing.
and if that had meant to TRULY portray a sexual assault, the guy would NOT be looking remorseful/surprised within that second. maybe
afterwards, but not within the very second and few seconds afterwards
his goal had been accomplished.

good god, i can't even believe this even has to be talked about and
analyzed and explained to such a degree! but i'm glad for "nipplegate" to open the floodgates of discussion and the floodgates of all human emotion and insecurity flooding to the surface. and i hope that even tho janet may regret what she did because she
seriously probably didn't know it would be THIS big of a deal (i mean, c'mon she lives in the world of mtv and this was THE SUPERBOWL!), i hope she can see what she brought to the surface with that act.

ok, hours have passed now and i don't have the energy to proofread this or make it in any way complete or more linear. i realize that it is as linear as a chain link fence. but i hope you will see this as a rough draft, a completely an absolutely unedited straight from my brain and my heart ramble...
and there are many points here that i started to go off on and then
never completed because i would be swept away by another tangent. and i
wish so much that i had the energy to make this manifesto in the making not so raw and jagged. and i want it to be complete and i wish i could tie it all off with a succinct bow.

and of course, i must let you know, in case you didn't already, that
when i was writing i used MANY generalizations. when i talk about men, i do not mean all men, when i talk about women, i do not mean all women. nor do i have the audacity that i am speaking "for all women".i am just speaking for myself and my own experience.

and so, with a story that has no resolution or ending, i end it here.
abruptly. :)
and i will i read this tomorrow and perhaps cringe at my gusto
idealism? i guess even as bitter and cynical as i get, i still am an
idealist. to my detriment or my ---whatever is the opposite of
detriment. i can't even think anymore. thank god.

and as i did actually go back and proofread that,
i am aggravated that i kept getting so negative when it all started off as such a positive thing.

"....i hope i can reteach/rearrange my "synapses"
so that everything i think of doesn't immediately "blink on" some
negative story to tell.

i hope to god by writing this down i have purged myself from some of it. because i seriously seriously seriously want to spend my energy on other thoughts and pursuits now!

ick ick ick, get out of me now icky icky anger and icky memories!
yuck yuck yuck! purge purge purge!

wow, after writing something like that, i feel like an empty shell.i need someone to read it and GET it and tell me i didn't just spend another evening ruminating about the past and society for no good reason.
but only i can tell myself that, i think.
but i do need my head to be petted now.
and i need some sympathy, even if i perhaps, don't deserve it.
and i need to be nursed and coddled and told that i am ok and good.just a little bit....

tomorrow will be spent in bed recharging my batteries in all aspects of my being.

it is that lonely hour of morning/night.

now if i can just put that much energy writing my mother the manifesto of manifestos so i can be hopefully done with EVER explaining myself again. i don't think i will feel a need to write for some long long long time...

please, dearest universe, help me to extricate myself from all this entanglement. i need this. i want this. i am ready for this.
i am willing to let go now.

i am ready to shed these strings like a molting bird...

i have already begun to molt, i feel so bare.

 

 

2:54pm

mostly puppy love pictures :)

 

2:44am

i've read so much of her journal now i feel like i am starting to think like her. or i think i always did think like her. it's just kind of like when you are talking to a person with an accent and then you start to talk with their accent, too, a little bit. i can't help it.
she gets to dig in the garden. i hope some of her garden energy rubs off on me.
i would love to dig around in the dirt and discover little worlds and plant nifty things.
someday someday...
for now i will be happy with my 2 potatoes sitting in a bowl of water :)

ate today: cheese sandwhich, liverwurst sandwhich.

about energy:

now that i am on the positive thinking way, i can't even BEAR to look in at the feminist_rage lj community or anything like that. i battled it out so much, i had my fill and now i am outta there.
i have absolutely zero desire to discuss/debate/yell at people about the atrocities of the world now.
and it's not like i don't want to in a "i'm so exhausted of that" way, it's just in a way that i seriously don't even care.
like i shifted my vibrattion and now i am tuned into new channels and all those other ones don't even come in anymore. this is such a relief to me.

2:40am

Keep asking, "Is this going to simplify my life?"

2:05am

after some poking around found the journal of the woman who bought 2 of my best ever hats. i just wanted to know who would be wearing those hats? they are so much a little piece of my soul, i just had to know they were going to a good home. and they are :) i am certain of that :)
she is so cool! i wish i lived near her and we could be friends.
she likes the same things i do and listens to the same music i do and i love her art, too.
i feel so strangely voyeuristic like i am walking through someone's mind and maybe i shouldn't be.
i don't know if i have ever felt that way about reading someone's journal before.
i am now up to june 2003. so have a ways yet to read before i have read up til today.

i think i need to go make myself a liverwurst sandwhich now. and i forgot that i have raspberry sorbet!
i better turn on my heater so i don't freeze as i eat it.

life is good right now.
my house is a mess.
but life is good :)
and something about war is on PBS. ww2 or something.

i found out today on Frontline that american coorporations pay only 7% of the taxes that get paid each year!
that really blew my mind!

my mom wrote me an email wanting to know if i wanted a relationship with her or not. she always puts it that way so black and white and i feel cornered and helpless because i know no matter what i say it will be not understood. the thought of writing her anything makes me go limp. i don't know what to do. i wish it would all just go away.

i just want to focus on the positve things.