February 15th, 2004
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i want to let you all know how much i appreciate what you do for me.

first of all let me say this this is going to go out on a lot of tangents that are seemingly not related to one other, but believe, me, they are, and when you have read this entire thing i will hope that you will see how they interconnect and the point i am trying to make.

i hope this will not at all sound like a guilting out thing either whatsoever. it is hard for me to talk about this. it's always hard to talk about money for me because it is my life blood, as much as it is for anyone. that is why we get so riled up about it.

but because i have about 115 paying members now, which is the lowest it has ever been. and i blame that on the economy, and i blame that on people just not understanding what is REALLY in ana2, and that i simply cannot afford to show it all to them so they know or else i just do not know how to market myself correctly, and i am also still marketing in the same old places where anyone who was going to subscribe already has at some point or another, i suppose. i mean, look, i have almost 6,000 people on my mailing list alone! if i just had the money to put ads in magazines, i think i could get more subscribers. need to branch out my marketing strategy. but to make money you need money (except in my case, in the beginning, where i was just blessed to plug in to the right thing at the right time and get all that free media coverage all over the world which really, has allowed me to make this my living), and i also blame it on that i am a temperamental artist and will not do things i don't want to do for the money. and i think that, i would hope that, is one of the things you like about me and why you DO stay is because you never know what i will do next, even if huge periods of time will go by that i do things that do not interest you at all. believe, me, it means so much to me and makes me feel like i must be doing SOMETHING right in that way to follow my heart in this way. i know i could make more money if i just made more products people would love even if i might not be into making them. and i think i have to have that balance and just buckle down and do that sometimes...as i do in all nude all weeks to pay the bills, and i DO enjoy it once i get into it, but i do have to force myself to do it. not because i hate being nude, but you know me, i hate doing things that i have already done before. i cannot even make the same hat. and just feel a little bit ridiculous to keep taking pictures of my ass and my breasts over ad over since i have done it all before. but then i also do realize, that for reasons i cannot fully comprehend, men (and some women) just never seem to get sick of it, so god bless them for it, but also it IS so damn irritating to me. but yet, still amusing too although not as amusing as it once was because i just realize that with a lot of guys (and i'm sorry to generalize here but i am just going to do it...there will be a LOT of generalizations i am going to say in here. i do not mean to speak for all men or all women, i am speaking in generalizations), but the interaction i have with men (and women) over my nudity is just not as deep as i would like it to be and i often feel they are just listening to my political rants about it and are often willing to "put up with" my weirdness and artiness cause there is at least the tits and ass in there. (maybe i am sellning myself short there, or i am too damn cynical, but don't think so...i think i a just being realistic. and god bless them for being so easy to please, and i envy it in a certain respect, too. maybe i get the same thing out of yarn that you get, although, i don't feel AS sexual about it, being a woman, it is more about sensuality. but damn i if i could feel turned on and that much "alive" from seeing yarn, then i'd love to have it. it must be great to feel that much pleasure from seeing shapes. and that is why it is so addictive to men, i guess. well, that is not even fair to say addictive since it is just on the genetics. it has nothing to do with addiction. it's just the way it is.

anyway, for ME, i have just gotten all *I* can get out of being nude. (i'm to saying i will stop being nude). i have had every single kind of conversation imaginable now, both positive and negative. and i realize , maybe cynically, that i am NOT really going to change anyone's mind about nudity. the people who want to crucify me for it still are. the men who will just jack off to it and see it as nothing more will continue to do that. i WANT to change the world. and i must admit, that DOES still keep me going a bit because i still DO have that rebel streak in me, although it is a bit more cynical and beaten down now. i AM happy that i think i have changed some people minds a bit and helped them see in new ways. i think i have enlightened a few men a bit and made them see that there is a woman behind the thing hey jack off to. which i think is ANOTHER reason i actually don't get as many subscribers because i have made myself so real to men that they feel BAD to jack off to me. which makes me go, wow, they must be thinking TERRIBLE things in their minds if they would not jack off to "someone they know" that it somehow has to be a woman they do not care about to jack off to. i think that is really sad and scary and just shows the level at which men are terrified of making a connection during sex, because that means that ultimately they have to make a connection to themselves. and also i think that is sheer laziness on their part and selfishness, which is also lazy to not want to grow.

and i do think the reason that many men are freaked out about homosexuals is not because they can't stand the thought of another man finding them attractive. i think it is because it freaks them out that a man is thinking thoughts in the way THEY think thoughts about women because they know damn well how negative it is! and so rather than take responsibility for the way they view women, taking a long hard look and going through the deep struggling changes necessary within themselves to bring their thoughts up to a new and higher level (and by this i am NOT saying that men have to stop fantasizing about women or stifling their natural feelings they go through when they see a shape that appeals to them). they would rather just obliterate the gay men who are their as a constant reminder of their own dark side.

ok, that was a massive tangent.
i'll try to get back on track. i also am not stupid and realize that i must do things i don't want to do sometimes to survive and i must kick myself in the ass to take photos etc etc etc. and i think that is a mostly good thing for me because it forces me to not get complacent and keep going and come up with new ways of going about things, as much as it exhausts the living hell out of me.

and i would hope that you also realize that about me.
that i AM a hard worker, just not in the way that is typical. and a lot of the hard work i do is inner and silent and invisible.
but that i have made it my PACT with you to bring this to the surface in tangible ways for YOU to look as well. that is what an artist does.
and i thank you for the bottom of my heart for seeing that in me, and being patient to wait for it, and not be just in this thing with me for the immediate gratification of it, but you are also in it for examining the process we all go through as human beings. (and also for the glimpse of boobies, i know!)

and so, i think i know you trust me not to bullshit you. and not do things just to make YOU happy, because you are mature enough to realize that garnering happiness though anothers pain and misfortune is not very rewarding and can just make the whole act of enjoying something ruined.

and so to keep YOUR process just as enjoyable as my process, i have to be honest with myself and honest with you, and honest with my work and my processes.

and i know sometimes i bitch at you for not giving me any feedback, which 98% of you do not do, and the reason for that will always mystify me and somewhat hurt me. i DO realize that if you just hated what i was doing, you would leave. and that is really, my ultimate feedback. although sometimes people cannot afford it, and i try not to take those cases personally. even tho, i cannot lie, i do take a little bit personally because i just feel that no matter how poor a person is they will find the money somehow to give to the things they NEED.. and so, ya, it's just a little ego thing for me, i know. i mean, HOW can you not NEED me?? ha :) i mean, really i understand how completely arrogant it is to think that way. yet, a little piece of me still does think that way. and i do not rack myself over hot coals for being so insecure. i just let myself feel that way because i think it's only natural to feel a little bit sad and hurt when someone has "finished" with you and you are not needed anymore. but heck, i'm not so insane that i don't realize the world does not revolve around me, as much as other people may think otherwise :)
and people move on and have other things to do.

and also i do not mean that when i had 600 members, at one time, i was not just absolutely floored every day over how well i was doing. i NEVER took it for granted! but i think i did think it would last forever (as many in that position keep making that same mistake). and if i could do it over again, i would definitely have been more frugal and saved my money for this hard time now.
but i also don't want to say i am sorry for knowing what it was like to be able to order 15 mannequins on the internet in one day and set them all up in my house immediately! i mean, that gave me intense joy, and , i think it did for you, too. if i would have just been a boring person saving my money and not doing insanely illogical things with it, then people would have been very bored with me and i would not have had all that much money in the first place to by mannequins with.
so, i guess everything is for a reason and it all balances itself out when you follow your heart.
i was always completely floored by having so many members. but when i had more members i also had HUGER bills and i was , in sense, employing 2 people to help me with my site and it wasn't small change i was paying them. and i'm not saying i didn't appreciate these people. they helped me sooo much. and my bandwidth bills were soooo huge! and i was paying for so many other goodies like streaming video with sound, and 4 cameras which were high end cameras, and i had 4 computers going and my electric bill was enormous.

so, maybe, ya, i would not have done anything differently. but ya, i think i could have saved SOME of that money.
but you know, that really is an art in and of itself, as i have always realized. and now, out of necessity, i am learning to love it too. because i realize the long term joy is also just as good as the quickie shopping fix. and now i do want to learn about that.
but also, i just didn't save money, and many of you will think i am insane for this, but in my heart of hearts and guts of guts i know that the whole bank system, and america, and all that is just not going to be around for very much longer. all that money is really just numbers in a machine. and will be all gone in a blink of an eye.
so i have always had this paranoid materialistic thing going on where i'd rather put my money into physical objects that i can sell later than give it over to some coorporation that i do not know who in the heck these people are and just let all i have worked for be this intangible number in a machine somewhere.
and i still do feel that way. and i wasn't going to hoard money or even gold in my mattress because what good is that when the world goes hell? you can't eat money and gold won't keep you warm. not like a piano will do anyone any good either if we are starving, but it can keep our spirits alive with music which is even more priceless than food at times. or, hey , it makes good firewood.
and if the world is going to go to hell, i just wanted to revel in some happy things won't get to enjoy later on when i have to focus more on food and shelter.

i'm just trying to show you where my head is at with this whole money thing and my site, etc. and also, you know, if i didn't think in these weird ways, i wouldn't even be the person i am now for i wouldn't be a risk taker and wouldn't have ever made any of my art or had a cam.

so as much as you may not agree with me in how i have dealt with my money. you cannot really change that about me without also taking away everything else. and what fun would that have been?
and now i might have given you the impression that i spent my money on ridiculously extravagant things. nope, it was never like that. the mannequins were the most extravagant. never got rich. never even bought a car. i was just rich compared to what i was before. minimum wage which was 3.75 at the time.

but now i am showing you everything i am doing with my money, because i feel it is a very important process for me to go though and to hold myself accountable for all of it and to real be able to step back and evaluate myself in this area so that i can understand myself more and improve upon it and keep it honest with myself.

and i know that it will probably piss a lot of people off as i learned the hard way when i asked publically of people if they would be interested in paying $1,000 a year for a 12 month subscription to a bunch of intensive art i would make just for them.

and the mistake i made, which makes me sad about humans, is not in asking WOULD you pay this price for this? but telling everyone WHAT i would do with that money if i received it, which was to buy a house.

and, as some of you will remember, i don't think i've EVER been so crucified over something for anything i have ever said!
i mean, it was just an absolute "HOW DARE SHE!!" hate fest which people are STILL screaming about and hating me for to this day and it has been distilled into the lie that "i BEGGED everyone to buy me a house for free". or i "begged everyone to buy me a house and in exchange for that they would receive one single polaroid picure!"

and it was then i realized with crystal clarity that society is way more fucked up about money than they are about sex.
and this is one of the reasons, if not THEE reason as to why this entire earth is being destroyed and we and our souls along with it.

and that when you add in a woman owning and controlling her own money, then people get doubly riled. and if it is a NUDE woman having power over her money then people think that is the devil itself! and then when you add ART into the mix, especially a new art such as the webcam which many people still think as some lazy ass way to make money (which they have NO idea how extremely difficult it is to do especially emotionally! and try going on 7 yeasr!) then it gets to the level of not only should i be burned at the stake but i am beyond any level of insanity for even THINKING i deserve anything a "normal" "hardworking" "GOOD and god fearing" person would wish for:
"credit in the real world", "a slice of the pie", "land!"
because whores (all nude women are whore, btw) should just NOT be rewarded in ANY way that is "real" for their evil and lazy ways. we are allowed to spend our money on sexy outfits and more equipment to keep us within view, and more liquor to keep our legs spread...anything that helps THEM fantasize.
but a house? a house just for ME that no one benefits from except for just me? (what a VERY unholistic and narrow view, btw).

and they just honed in on the word "polaroid" . didn't even hear it was also music i would be making, and paintings, and writings and film. no, they just honed in on the word "polaroid". polaroid!
"i can make a polaroid! ANYONE can make a polaroid and then sit naked on their ass"

anyway,
i just want to let you know that it kind of crushed my dreams there for awhile. it was a punch out of nowhwere to me. i was not prepared at all for that. i gave up on that dream and i let them win. i believed their lie that i could not make such a thing like that happen. i didn't know the world was so "against" me. and the world was willing to see me succeed, but not succeed "that far".
just as society now accepts gays into their home to decorate it or help them with fashion advice, or entertain them. the line is drawn when gays want to take that step over that invisible yet very real "credit in the real world" line. because they see that as the "real" power, and in a fuct up way, it is.

maybe it irks people so much (the idea of gays and porn women) owning land or getting married and they are so threatened by that idea because it underlines and highlights as never before that people who remain true to themselves, take risks, follow their heart, don't "sell out", really can, in the end WIN!
and so now that will make it blaringly obvious to all those people who did sell out, who didn't follow their hearts, who let themselves be shit upon in stupid jobs all those years, who hid their true love and identities, that all that pain and suffering they went to to get a slice of the "real pie" , was absolutely unnecessary!
and the thought of that is so painful, and also the process is so painful for them now, to take that risk and change as human beings and go through that long and scary process of being true to onesself, that they would have to say "hey, you know what it WASN'T fair that i had to live a life half lived so that i could have these things, get married, be seen as "respectable" and "worthy". they would feel like idiots! they would feel conned! and they themselves are the ones who conned themselves. and to take that long and honest and brutal look at oneself in that deep of a way, to the very core of their beings, is unfathomably frightening to them. it is always one of the most brutal and humbling experiences to see your mistakes and own them completely. to know that YOU did it to yourself and no one but you.
it's so brutal. no one wants to think of themselves as that stupid.
and so, rather than face it and look within and own it, the externalize it and blame the gays or whatever for taking what they felt was sacred to them and making it "dirty" and "meaningless".
what it really is is they are projecting their own gut knowledge that it was THEY who made "traditions" and "life" meaningless by selling out their very selves/souls/time here on earth and even family and friends to get that "credit in the real world".
and when some gays shine their light and show the true definition of selfless love and they really , almost inconceivable so, show their guts to love each other even tho the world wants to burn them at the stake for it,
that light cannot FAIL to shine light upon the fact of their own shortcomings. and how can people who are supposd to burn in hell be more "good" and god forbid, "happy" than they are? what can "they" teach "US"?

and when i dared to say, "you know what? i am going to do something i LOVE to do and i am going to be able to buy a house from this!"
people could not handle that fact AT all. they reacted as if i had done actual violence to them! think what it was is they realized they had done violence to themselves by stifling their own dreams and couldn't deal with that brutal fact.

and so, i just want to let you know how very scared i am to tell you what i spend my money on because now i know very well how people feel about this and the hatred that will spew forth at me if they are threatened by my spending habits or whatever

and i still don't have the guts to do any of this absolutely publically. i do it in here with you 100 some people.
i figure you already think i am worth SOMETHING or would not have paid and therefore, chances are, i am a tiny bit safer from ridicule.

i do feel badly for not having the strength to do this all publically, because i think it could be a real valuable lesson for a lot of people. i think it's good to stir the pot on this one and get it all in the open.

however, i am smart enough to know where my limits are for sheer brutal abuse from the masses. and so, i will stay in here!

but i hope that from making this truth available here, it will make me realize somethings about myself, and also maybe you will even start to reevaluate your spending habits and all the issues that entails (which are some biggies! and we sure don't like to look at them!)

and also, i think it makes people really uncomfortable to realize how much we all depend on each other for things like food and shelter or anything! everyone like to think of themselves as self sufficient. *I* certainly DESPISE the idea that all of you hold my life in your hands right now (because i choose you to hold it). if you didn't hold it, then other people would...a corporation i would work for...the people who buy the products. we are all uncomfortably financially entertwined with each other. and no where do i think it is ever more apparent and brutal than with my site here.

never before, except in the "olden" days, etc. when people lived in smaller towns/villages more and everything effected one another and this was obviously seen to all, has it been so apparent the effect of giving someone $15 a month and then seeing that literally applied to a human life. i really, am, in a way, your online pet.

and that really makes me feel uncomfortable, and i'm sure it does make you feel uncomfortable , too.

and maybe some will leave because they can't stand the responsibility of it.. or they do not approve of how i spend my money.

and when i say that my life is in your hands and that my welfare is in your hands, i am not going to be such a victim that i do not see that have chosen this as my job. and that it really IS my responsibility, ultimately. i am not going to whine that it is "all your fault" that i am starving or whatever. i realize that i am the master of my own destiny.

but i am also realistic to understand that i have chosen to make my living in a field that is not highly valued in this day and age.
well, really, and this may sound ridiculous and even extremely spoiled and priviledged, but i do not feel that i have "chosen" this life. this is really me, and i cannot be another way. and DO refuse to NOT live a life that is lesser for me (less lived and honest for me) and i do CHOOSE to put up with this type of suffering because the suffering i would endure to live a life not being true to myself would not be a life worth living. and i don't mean to sound overly dramatic and spoiled here, but i just don't have ANY desire to live half lived so that can live longer. i would truly kill myself or probably die from some sickness if my soul had to do anything other than be an artist for any extended period of time.
it's just the way it is. and to tell you the truth, that scares me shitless and i wish i weren't so damn inflexible in that department.
i am damn resilient and i can mold myself to almost any situation.
but i do refuse to do anything other than be an artist.
i think i am truly prepared to die for that.
just as anyone is prepared to die if they feel their standards of life dip below a level that is not worth living to them anymore.

that is why americans are so scared and so willing to go to war with people they are scared will perhaps obliterate their standards of living. but i don't think it is a fear of losing anything real, although they DO think it IS real. their car, their air conditioning, their bubblebath, their priviledge of not having to take responsibility for their actions such as being wasteful or not having to heed nature. it is a war not over family, or love, or even territory. it is a war fought for our right to be lazy, complacent, and our priviledge to not be held truly accountable for anything and to stay blind to the terrifying reality that we all do , indeed, depend on each other for our very lives. it is a war fought to buy just a few more years of living in that deluded bubble that we are not harming others and , ultimately, ourselves.

but once again, it's too painful to own up to that brutal truth that we were so stupid and selfish and that we shot ourselves in our own foot so, let's blame it on those "lesser weird people over there". and then even more painful to change. if not for others, than for ourselves.

it's so scary to realize how fragile we all are.
it's petrifying to know that we all depend on each other for our survival. it hurts our egos. we are not the mini gods we thought we were. we are not in control. we all have to work together, and that sucks!

and it's horrible to know that our actions affect others, sometimes and often times detrimentally! who has the TIME to even take in the scope of that?

and so that is why, in part, i am going to share my finances with you.
and this is going to be painful for me. and also painful for you.
and i may whine and indeed sulk about not feeling valued or understood or about the state of the world. and it will hurt my ego and scare me when you leave.

and now you may be scared to leave, and you will feel burdened, put upon. this will piss you off. because now it's not just about a little fun online thing, but it's a moral dilemma.
it's not just a little magazine subscription. it's more than that.
and perhaps it will force you to take a look at where your money goes and what affect this might be happening, invisibly on others. and it will make you wonder, what ARE the important things to spend money on?
where do you draw that line over doing what you want to do with your money to make you happy or help someone? what IS more important?
what are the "real" and "true" priorities?
WHO and WHAT is more important?
what is frivolous and what is neccesary? do you now feel victimized by me in thinking i will guilt you out enough s that you feel you CAN'T leave? where ARE your boundries with this?

and how much WILL i try to balance what i want and need to do for myself and what i will perhaps need to do to make this still worth $15 a month to you but not sell myself short and remain honest?

where IS my line? what is my limit?
when you stay or leave, what DOES this say about my self worth or value? to myself? to society?

AM i living a life that is true and DESERVED of "patronage"?
is my art GOOD enough? am i challenging you? myself?
where do i draw that line between the worth of my art and my worth as a person?
how do i walk all these thin lines and still remain healthy and sane?
what IS my ego? and where does it even FIT in any of this?
how far will i go to stay true to myself?

or am i also deluding myself and i am just another rich and spoiled american who feels that if life isn't all it's supposed to be, then i should throw a hissy fit, sulk, and kill myself? bemoaning," the world just didn't understand me...i was ahead of my time".

am that weak? or am i that strong??

and so, i hope you will see that as i took you along on this tangent, you will see how this all relates to what i want to say now...which was simply:

i REALLY appreciate you and the $15 you give me each month.
it REALLY makes a difference now. each one of you is , quite literally, allowing me to make my art, stay true to myself, live, stay healthy, stay sane and happy.
and i'm not going to hand over all my power to you and say that my life depends on you or that my happiness depends on you. because, i think, i hope, i will always figure out some way to make things work for me.
but RIGHT NOW, you definitely hold a huge piece of my life in your hands.
i have allowed it to be this way. we all allow it to be this way.
just here, it is not so invisible. in fact, it's not invisible at all.

and it IRKS and it SCARES me that i have allowed this to happen.
and i am also proud of myself for being brave enough to come here and do this.

i am glad that i feel strong enough to feel weak.
i am glad i am big enough to be humble (most often, i hope).
i am glad with myself that i can be, hopefully, brutally honest with myself and with you here.
i'm sorry if i have caught you off guard and now you resent being in this position with me.
but here we are. you have no ties to me and i have no ties to you. we are all here by our own free will.
yet, we do have ties to each other. and i guess what is really scary for me as that i am the one in this picture who is the expendable one. i am the one who depends on YOU..you do not depend on me for anything....not anything physical.

you are now the giants who walk on my planet and your seeingly small actions will affect me in a big way.
this sucks for me. and i'm sure it sucks for you.
and i almost feel like apologizing for even bringing the light here on this.
i mean...it is UNCOMFORTABLE, isn't it?

but so it is.

and so, i know this DOES sound like some sort of guilt trip, but i really hope you will have taken in ALL my words here and see that i am not trying to do that. i may not have said this perfectly. this is hard for me.
but that i am really trying to show you the interconnectedness of things.

and i am trying to say THANK YOU , i REALLY appreciate that you give me $15 a month!
i mean really really truly truly and i don't know how i could have conveyed that to you as sincerely as i did
without saying everything i did here so you could see the whole picture.

truly truly THANK you. thank you that you enable me to make my hats for my hats show.
thank you for giving me the gift of being able to come to this point in my life in this way.
thank you for staying with me through the good times and bad times.
thank you for feeding my little dogs who bring me such incomprehensibe joy.
thank you for giving me the gift of LIFE. of FREEDOM. thank you for allowing me the time to write all of these things out and the time to explore my life and this world so completely.
thank you for giving me the gift of helping me realize my full potential, even to i am not anywhere having achieved that yet. thank you for sticking by me and supporting me when i whine and moan or i'm just plain lazy.
thank you for SEEING and SUPPORTING that potential you must see in me to stick with me through this and even when i seem like i am going in anywhere but the right direction.
thank you for allowing me the gift to get lost and the time it took to find myself again.
thank you for not pressuring me. thank you for loving me or liking me despite all my flaws and weaknesses.
thank you for your patience, your time, your energy.
even tho i may get pissed at you for staying so silent, thank you for being there because , in the end, that is what counts.

and now i am actually crying because this is so emotional for me.

seriously, even if you all unsubscribed tomorrow, i want to thank you for all you did give.
you may have thought it was a small thing, but it is such a big thing, and i want you to know that.
you have all enriched my life beyond what i could EVER convey to you in words.
you have allowed me to do things in this life i have always wanted.
you have allowed me the time to think, to sleep, to eat, to walk outside in the day taking pictures while most of the world is in a cubicle. you have allowed THIS person here, to really be free.
you have given me my TIME, my LIFE.

sometimes, i do admit, i have squandered my time. i have not always been a model citizen or been productive.
THANK YOU for allowing me to learn to motivate myself and take charge of my life.
thank you for allowing me the sincere displeasure of finding out just how lazy and unmotivated i can actually get.
thank you for not hating me when i got like that.
thank you for all the kind things you have said to me, even tho i may have been the one who was silent in return.

thank you for not asking of me more than i can give.
thank you for being kind of my sometimes infuriating limitations.

thank you for being with me when i was thin and for when i was fat!

thank you for allowing me the time and space to retreat and become silent or even withdrawn.
thank you for allowing me the space and time to heal the things needed to heal in the time it took to heal them.

thank you for LISTENING to me even when do not listen to you.

thank you for sticking by me even tho sometimes i never give you what you truly wish for in return.

thanks for allowing me to be seemingly selfish. when i need to be.

thank you for respecting my boundries!!

thank you for not yelling at me and judging me even when you vehemently disagreed with me, thought i was crazy or totally full of shit.

thank you for allowing me the space to rant and rave and bitch and moan and dance and cry and scream and laugh when i want and how i want.

thank you for helping me CREATE and helping me pay for the tools to create!

just really, thank you for everything.
you have all given me more than you even know. (i am trying to convey that to you but i don't think you will EVER know what a huge gift this is to me!) i could be wrong, but i really do believe that without you all, i could very well have died in a million different ways.

i AM going to give myself credit tho for kicking ass and staying in there for the long haul with myself!

but i could not have done it in this way, without you.

and so thank you!

thank you to the men here for not being afraid of my anger and distrust of some men. thank you for giving me the space to get angry about men but not take it personally.
thank you for taking the time to explain your side of things.
and thank you for seeing me as a whole person and not just a pair of boobs :) (although i know you like them and do not dislike you for that one bit!) and thank you for seeing me as an equal and someone who is even intelligent and not some hysterical raving femmenazi.
thank you for your courage to be here and see past frivolties, but also still be able to revel in them with me.
thank you for not trying to control me or put me down.
thank you for seeing that a woman can show her weak side and still kick just as much ass as the best of them.

thank you for allowing me to be all the sides of myself without judging me, thinking less of me, or putting me down.

and thank you to the women here very much so,
who chose to not be afraid of me or my power or my weakness.
thank you for allowing me to speak for myself and not put me in the position of having to speak for all women and live up to some impossible ideal. thank you for loving me and accepting me even tho i got breast implants and was not always strong enough to love my body unconditionally all the time.
thank you for being here and bringing in your much needed feminie presence to a very male dominated section of the internet.
thank you for having the guts to come in here and make yourselves known as a voice and a presence.
thank yo for shining your lights and allowing me to shine mine as bright as i want to without feeling a need to put me down or feel threatened by it.

thank you for allowing yourself to be inspired by me and actually letting me know!
and thank you for allowing me to be inspird by you :)

you give me strength!

because it is just such a heartbreaking thing for me to see and experience so many women hating other women and competing with them.
thank you for not giving into that and by embracing what i stand for, because in doing that (as you know) you also embrace for what you also stand for and empower yourself!

thank you for helping and supporting another woman in her fight for value, for a voice, for the right to own her body, and for her right to struggle with all the issues that are so confusing to us.
thank you for allowing me to be a whore, a girl, a flake, a blonde, a fake titted blonde at that, a diva, thank you for standing by me as i try on all the stereotypes and then fuck them up from the inside out!
but thank you for also loving those stereotypes and being kind to them.

you are the ones who are thinking holistically.
you are the ones who face things head on and are ready to encompass the entire mess, warts and all, and just get in there and take a good long hard look.

thank you for looking beyond the obvious.
thank you ALL for looking beyond the obvious!

thank you for seeing that there is indeed treasure hidden in full view here, hidden in a tiny, quirky, cute, almost cartoon like at times, court jestery campy porn/art queen with three silly dogs who are actually wise old souls masquerading as dogs :)

thanks for helping out this funny silly little family of misfit mammals :)

thank you! do you get it do you get it? :)

ok, i've been typing this for hours now...
my hand is about to fall off and it's almost 6am again.
so..i will end it here :)

:)

if you'd like to give me some feedback on this, i'd REALLY appreciate it as i don't think i have ever felt more vulnerable from my writing before...and like a total freak, i am looking in under the bed to see if anyone said anything even tho it is early morning on a sunday and you are all probably asleep :)
but i understand if you say nothing because this post is pretty intense