February 3rd, 2004
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11:40pm

ate today:

2 almond butter and apricot honey sandwiches, french fries.

10:46pm

cropped:

 

10:19pm

bead crochet = huge pain in the ass.
frustrating, time consuming.
i hope i get the hang of it sometime.

 

2:33am

something i wrote to locatei here:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/vooghats/3033.html

"i was looking at your faq on your deafness and it is so fascinating :)
it never occurred to me that when you read, or when you think...you do not hear the words in your head. because why would you?

i have always wanted to remember what it was like when i thought without the sounds of words in my head...when i was too young to think. it would be more like "pure thought", i would think.

i do not always "talk" to myself in my head when i think. sometimes my thoughts or just purely visual. especially when i am working on a visual problem such as crochet or painting. or even when i write music. which is why i like to do those things because it quiets down my ever chattering brain.
but i have never even considered what it would be like to not hear the words in my head as i read a book.
i cannot even really fathom that as the two are so entirely entertwined. wow, i just want to know what that is like! :)

but it makes perfect sense to not have to hear the word in your head in order to read a word and understand the meaning of it.
reading IS a purely visual thing.

it makes me wonder if sometimes you SEE the words form in your head when you are thinking as opposed to hearing the words in your head, as i do.
for instance, when you are thinking about what you want type out to a person before you type it, do you see the words typing out in your head? i can't imagine being able to think about and form what you want to say to a person without either seeing the words or "hearing" the words. not like i am literally hearing the words. it's in in my mind, the memory of what those words sound like.
and i was just going to type "you know what i mean". haha! well, of course you do not know what i mean by hearing words in your head without having to physically hear them. it's just in the imagination.

i've never really thought about this in this way before!
and ,not be arrogant, but it's rare i come across something that i have not thought about before in some way or another.
so this new twist on thinking really has me very intrigued!

it would seem to me that being deaf, in part, is a blessing because your world would be so silent and i equate silence as tranquility.
i'm not saying it is tranquil for you. i don't know. you probably don't think of it as tranquil because you don't have noise to compare it to.

one of my biggest dreams is to have silence when i need it. this world is SO insanely noisy.
i wear headphones on my head that drown out certain frequencies and make things quieter sometimes.
and i want to move experience the desert because that is where it would be the most silent on earth since there isn't trees that are rustling or lots of animals making a lot of noise, etc etc.
i'm always desperately needing silence.
the sound of my computer drives me NUTS. i like to have my windows open in the summer, but the city is so noisy. and even the country can be too noisy with all the trees rustling and birds chirping and crickets and everything.
there are so many annoying sounds out there. noise pollution!

i've always asked myself the question of would i rather be deaf or rather be blind? and i've almost always chosen deaf as it would drive me nuts not to be able to see myself and to work on my visual art...
but it would also be sad for me to not hear music or be able to write music anymore or to be able to sing.
but then they say that the blind get to be more social (usually) as they can just hang out with people and talk.
but i don't really hang out and talk to people much anyway.
i communicate mostly on the internet.

the internet must be such a great thing to a deaf person, i would think, because then everyone is on equal playing ground, communication-wise.
the internet would be almost useless to a blind person, i would think.

i also did not know that sign language was not a universal language and that it differs from country to country. that is too bad!

well, sorry to be so long winded about this :)
but you definitely have given me something new to think about!

and i am going to try to figure out how i could read or think about conversations i had or might have with people without "hearing" the words in my imagination. i don't know if it will be possible for me to do that.
but i can try. maybe i will go to a hypnotist and they can suggest to me that i would be able to do that. with hyponosis you can do a lot of cool things :)"