today's anagram

January 18th, 2004

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11:42pm

spent: $21.80 on opalescent yarn for hats for hat show in may

i have such a headache. ouch.

6:01pm

ate today: 1 mountain dew, 1 piece of string cheese
spent:
tampons - 7.14
mountain dew - 1.19
2 small lightbulbs - 2.04
energizer batteries for camera - 5.99
dog food 9.14
pair of boots - 8.48!
tax - 1.19
total = 35.17

the boots i got for 8 bucks are a brown pair exactly like the black pair i wear all the time.
they are 1/2 size bigger, but they still fit.
i think i will spray paint them pink :)
8 bucks for a pair of boots! can you believe?
i should have bought the pair that were 1/2 size smaller, too. cause i got get myself into those, too :)

other than those boots, all the clothing at target is still BUTT UGLY.
crappy polyester clothing that looks like 1979- 1981
yuck!

i'm gonna cook myself some shrimp now.
actually, they are already cooked. so i guess all i do is heat them.

my house is such a pit. i wish had the motivation to clean.
my head hurts today. period headache.

2:45pm

these are the photos i sent to the coordinator of the fashion show...

but i want to have around 20 hats for the show :)

2:37pm

hat thus far...

1:33pm

i had good signs in my dreams.
i dreamt i inherited a boat. and also that i met oprah and she hugged me.
i was so much smaller than oprah, oprah was like a giant. that didn't bother me, tho. but i wondered how i could get taller so i could see her eye to eye. like wear heels or something...but she was wearing heeels, too.
weirdly, for a minute, oprah turned into jennifer ringley. i have no idea what that could mean. maybe it just means that i see both oprah and jennifer as really well put together successful business women who are kind and both are slightly guarded as well.
inheriting a boat is a good sign as i dream a lot about water and rivers and slogging through them.
i also dreamt that i was in a public pool and had taken a swimming class and one of the 1st lessons was so dunk your head underwater many times over and over to get used to going under and getting used to taking a breath very quickly when you rose to the surface. i was terrible at it and the wtaer still wanted to go up my nose and the chlorine from the pool hurt my eyes. and i pretty much gave up on that lesson. but i suppose it is a good sign that i was taking lessons at all.

when i woke up i checked my mail and my mom wrote me back and told me that she would not start another livejournal. and she didn't argue with me or make me feel bad for what i had written. which was really shocking to me. and so i wrote her back "thank you thank you thank you thank you!"
my god, i am relieved. i am just beyond relieved.

i also woke up with a headache so i took some excredin and i hope it goes away soon. and it gets so hot in my bedroom during the late morning and early afternoon when the sun is out. i actually wake up sweating and have to open the window regardless of how cold it is outside.

jason wants to go to target today to get some shirts. so i hope my headache goes away soon so i can go with him and get out of the house.

it was good t wake up at 1pm today. that is 2 1/2 hours ealier than i have been waking up. i hope tomorrow i can get up even earlier!
i have to turn my schedule around.

i'm starting to go a little stir crazy with winter. i need some nature, a patch of grass, to go for a walk...

jason says he needs to get hardcore about saving money if we are to move to los angeles in a year. so he is going to get rid of his cable tv right away. so no more cable tv for me! i will miss all the independent films. and also i think the sopranos and 6th feet under should be starting up again any minute now.
but i will survive and turn my attention to other things.
i've lived most of my life without cable tv :)
maybe it will give me more time to actually MAKE a film instead of watching one.

also, jason said he might move to save $.
this kind of puts me in a panic as i love that he lives just a few doors down from me. and if he moves even a few blocks away, i don't know when on earth we are going to see each other when he is in school. he does graduate in may so it is not much longer.
but still...

if he moves i guess that means i could move too, since the biggest reason i stay here (besides the fact that i can have dogs in this building) is that i live only a few doors away from jason.
but i did just sign a new lease for another year here only 2 weeks ago, and to break my lease, i would have to pay them $1,600.

3:52am

email i sent my mom just now:

if you start another livejournal i will FREAK OUT.
i can't even believe you would ask me if i would mind if you started a new one.

just the fact that you think that might be ok with me,
that i could somehow be over that entire ordeal THIS quickly really makes me feel invisible to you.
it makes me feel like you don't understand how much pain i went through over that.
it makes me feel lke you do not all understand anything i have been trying to convey to you.

why can't you start a journal at the myriad of other places on the internet???
why do you have to torture me like this?????
why can't you just PLEASE see how much PAIN i am in about this!
have a SHRED of respect for feelings! PLEASE!

this isn't about "obeying" me.
this is not some sort of "rule"
i'm not trying to control you or have power over you in anyway,

i am simply saying that i cannot deal AT ALL with you on livejournal.
it CAUSES ME EXTREME PAIN AND EMOTIONAL DISTRESS!
do you remember how much pain i was in when i called you screaming and crying?
can you recall that at ALL?
is that how you want to feel? do you want to ADD to that pain even MORE?
are you trying to send me over the brink???
CAN YOU HEAR ME OR SEE ME?????????????????????????????

for the love of god
if you EVER EVER EVER EVER get another livejournal again...
i will seriously LOSE IT.

this is not some sort of threat or emotional blackmail.
this is not some sort of trick and i am not exaggerating or making this up!
i am NOT playing mind games with you.

it is as simple as you slashing at my head with an ax!
don't you get it?
it's not my FAULT that if you take an ax to my head that i will bleed.
i am not playing GAMES with you because my head bleeds when you take an ax to it!
i'm not saying "obey me!"
i'm saying:

IF YOU SLASH MY HEAD WITH AN AX I WILL BLEED!
IF YOU EVER START ANOTHER LIVEJOURNAL I WILL FREAK OUT AND WANT TO DIE!

can you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FINALLY GET THAT VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT POINT???

you don't even have to understand WHY my head will bleed if you take an ax to it.
and you can say "it's not FAIR that if i take an ax to your head it will bleed!"
but that will not change the FACT that if you take an ax to my head i will BLEED.
it is just a FACT.

because if you can't grasp just THAT very simple cause and effect thing
that if you HIT me i will HURT...
and if you really believe that this is some sort of little game i am playing with you...

then i really have nothing more further to say to you!
because i CAN"T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN WITH YOU.
so i hope to god you are not going to and i hope to god that you haven't already started one because i'll bet $50.00 you have!
i hope to god you haven't because i don't know how you expect me to trust you if you give me nothing to trust and you give me NO time to heal?

i can't believe you would ask that of me.
MY HEART HURTS.
i have been sick ALL DAY from this.
i am just absolutely DEVASTATED AND SCARED.

this is NOT a rule!
i did not "make up" this "rule"
this is how i FEEL!!
it's not a rule for you to obey!
for the love of everything i hold sacred and dear i SWEAR to you on everything that i am not trying to play some sort of stupid game with you here! it is simply a fact that if you do something that hurts me, i will HURT!

PLEASE DON'T HURT ME LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

HERE are the names of OTHER places you can start a journal JUST LIKE livejournal.
go to ANY of these places!
there are sooooooooooo many more places to have a journal!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
PLEASE PLEASE go to one of these places instead!

http://www.www.diaryland.net
http://www.greatestjournal.com
http://www.Caleida.com
http://www.blogspot.com
http://www.xanga.com
http://www.ujournal.org

i don't know if i want to go to another therapist with you yet.
for it hinges on whether or not you are going to choose to hurt me again by starting another livejournal.
i'm not saying this as a blackmail of any sort!

if your husband was having an affair and you said to him "if you continue the affair, i will have to leave you"..
is THAT emotional blackmail or some sort of control game you would be playing with him?
would that be some sort of "rule" that he could then just point at you and yell "i don't not have to obey you! i do not have to obey you!"?

don't all relationships have some sort of LIMIT of what you will put up with?
don't we all have LIMITS on what we can deal with?
would you put up with your husband if he was having sex with other women or if he hit you?
would you think it would be acceptable if he were to make you feel like you were CRAZY for feeling hurt if he did those things?

because that is what you do to me!
you make me feel like i am CRAZY for saying to you where my limits are and where my limits are for how much pain i am able to deal with.
it's like you just HIT me and then say "that can't POSSIBLY hurt. so therefore it DOESN'T hurt..so therefore you MUST be crazy..and further more...by you telling me that i cannot HIT you is an insult to my personal freedom and i don't have to OBEY you about this rule that i cannot hit you!"

you make me feel like i am CRAZY for saying to you where my limits are and where my limits are for how much pain i am able to deal with.
it's like you just HIT me and then say "that can't POSSIBLY hurt. so therefore it DOESN'T hurt..so therefore you MUST be crazy..and further more...by you telling me that i cannot HIT you is an insult to my personal freedom and i don't have to OBEY you about this rule that i cannot hit you!"

i cannot HELP it that when you do something that HURTS me that it HURTS me
it is not MY FAULT
it is not my fault that you think this is UNFAIR or ILLOGICAL!
just because YOU don't understand how that could possibly be...does not mean that it is STILL not a TRUE FACT!

do you think it is somehow in MY control that if you slash my head with an ax it will bleed?
do you scream "unfair! illogical! so it can't be! stupid rule!" at my head or at the ax or at the blood?

i don't know how more clearly i can state this.
i hope to god you understand it now finally.
because if you don't, i don't know if i have the strength to say this ever ever again.

2:37am

i want to thank my friend howie for the yarn to make the hat i am working on (yak/alpaca!),
and for the food i will be eating for the next week (wild rice soup!), thanks to his xmas presents :)

2:14pm

i have a lot going on in my mind. a lot about my mom but i don't have the energy to type it out right now.
argh.
so, i am just working on that hat still. it is starting to turn out pretty cool now.
i am pretty much obsessed with it and want to finish it.
i am consumed with thinking abut my hat show in may and all the kinds of hats i want to make for it.

i am glad i have that to concentrate on or this mother thing would drive me insane.

i felt rather crappy today from my nerves.
and also i have my period.

2:00am

spent yesterday:

1 package of sominex 3.69
1 hershey bar with almonds 1.09
tax: .33
total: 5.11

$54.29 on groceries (and i used a $100 gift certificate a friend gave me for xmas! woo hoo!:)
i got:

a ton of olives, smoked gouda, havarti, strawberries, blueberries, grapefruits, 2 frozen wild rice soup!,
raspberries, portabellow mushrooms, lime sparkling water, sea scallops, a trout (with the head still on!),
tuna steaks, chicken breasts, shrimp, red bull, tomatoes, pickled herring

ate yesterday:

cheeseburger, 5 french fries, almonds and honey, a bunch of olives

ate the day before:

1 banana and a bunch of indian food