January 6th, 2004
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5:25pm

money spent today: $2.14 on 2 cokes

food eaten: 1 coke, 4 eggs with a bit of cheese and butter.

the therapy session with my mom today was a nightmare.
i do not know what to do with all that energy she hurled at me.
i'm trying to remain positive and figure out a way to ground myself.
i'm trying to remain as detached as possible.
it's pretty impossible, tho.
i don't feel very good about this psychologist. she doesn't say anything
and when she does it's this extremely vagie feel goody totally safe mumbo jumbo.
like "i feel a lot of pain coming from both of you and we need to take steps to heal that. how far are you willing to go?"
ummm, DUH TIMES INFINITY jack handy.
i'm willing to go all the way to healing, why else would i be there?
WHAT are the steps? my new homework is to say what steps i would take towards healing.
i just told her right there that i don't KNOW what steps to take. why else would i be there?
if i knew what steps to take then i sure as fuck wouldn't be sitting in that office.
lord.

this woman , in my opinion, is just a real wuss, too. just playing it totally safe.
what i need, is a dr. phil to "tell it how it is"
i know that sounds trite, but fuck, SOMEone needs to point out the glaringly obvious and not just say this feely good vague crap that is meaningless and obvious as hell.

and my mom is just amking stuff up right and left and exagerating things and leaving things out and ttally denying saying things she did say.
and she EVEN had the nerve to try to paint me as somehow PSYCHOTIC.
saying i had taking anti psychotic medication.
which si TRUE i did take a drug that was used for anti psychosis, but it was ALSO for anti-epilepsy,
and it was also used for a huge variety of things. and the reason i was taking it was for anti anxiety not anti-psychosis.
GOD.
as many of you already know...one drug can have many uses. take aspirin for instance.
if i take aspirin for a headache does it mean i also have a heart problem?

and she was just interupting me right and left and at one point got up and hovered over me and then started to reach out and hug me which made me feel so anxious and so claustrophobic i had to literally put my hands up to stop her and tell "don't touch me!"

and the real crux of it for me was when in response to me saying that when i wanted to be left alone and not to be contacted and that i felt that contact by her was abusive because i had CLEARLY set up boundries and she was CLEARLY not caring about them. she got really anhry and pointed her finger at me and said "i don't have to OBEY you i don't have to OBEY you! i don't have to OBEY you! i'm the mother! and you are my daughter! and i will always try to love you! i don't have to obey you!"

i mean if that is not seriously and obviously fucked, i don't know WHAT is.

and i don't think that psychologist even took notice of that.
so when i tried to point it out to her that i thought that was the crux of a lot right there...
that my mom was thinking she was rebelling against my "rule" like some sort of child, but it was actually just me setting up a boundry that she refused to acknowledge or see as important....
and when my mom then asked her "you don't think that is abusive , do you?"
the psychologist TOTALLY side tracked the entire question and said something like "i see you are both in alot of pain.."

i mean FUCK.

so, i wouldn't let her off the hook and i said that IS abuse when someone deliberately goes against a person's
boundries when they have clearly been defined...isn;t it?

and i don't know how she got out of that one but somehow she did and i seem to remember her maybe sheepishly nodding a yes but then saying we were all out of time.

it was all so confusing.

and so january 15th is when we see her again. but this time i am not letting the psychologist off the hook
and she better damn well make an outline of how she feels this can be healed in any way at all.
something CONSTRUCTIVE. ANYTHING.
and i want that psychlogist to admit that it IS abusive to disregard a person's clear boundries time and time again.
and if she doesn't i am totally not going to her anymore.
because that is just BULLSHIT to not point out that extremely obvious thing.

ohmigod this is so frustrating to see my mom just make up so much stuff and there is NO way i can prove my mom wrong.
for all this psychologist knows i am some sort of psychotic now.

and my mom did do her homework where she wrote out what her goals were.
thigns she wanted me not to do and things she wanted me to acknowledge.
and then on the next page, she started writing out "my goals for my daughter"

HER goals for ME? nice.
things like 1. have a nice relationship with men and 2. be financially ok and pay my bills etc etc.
3. and don't be anxious have a nice life.

basically stuff like that.

ok mom, THANKS.

i'm so glad you have goals FOR me because god knows i DON'T have any goals for MYSELF.
and oh no, i must not have started my own business which has successfully paid my bills for the past many many years.
and oh no, i didn't pay my way through everything since i was 18.
and gee, i must not be in a nice relationship NOW.
and thank you for telling me not to be anxious and to have a nice peaceful life.
because now since you set these goals for me, I WILL!

<dripping sarcasm>

it's just all sooo...futile.
i can see my mom is in genuine pain.
i can see she really doesn't know what she has done wrong.

and i can see that i don't think she ever will see she has done anything wrong.
and especially not if we are seeing this wimp of a psychologist.

and at the end my mom says. the difference between my daughter and i is that *I* don't hold a grudge.
i just say let's let it go and start anew!

you know, my mom and i have tried that tactic so many times i cannot even count anymore.
and my mom seriously just doesn't get it.
she says that i don't let her express her anger.

but when i tell her that when she expresses anger to me it is in the form of telling me that
i live in a world of deception and lies and that my website is a place where rapists go to get all jacked up before they go rape and that i am an insult to women and that my breasts are grotesque and that i am psychotic.

she tells me i am taking all that out of context!
or that she meant it "with affection"
or "she was just kidding"

does the psychologist say ANYTHING to ANY of this?
no.

it's just fucking ridiculous.

i just...i am just really angry and disapointed.
and i know it is only the 2nd session.
and i will give it more tries. and i will keep going.
and i don't expect this psychologist to take my side and jump all down my mom's throat or anything.
i realize she can't look like she is taking sides.

but when my mom and i ask her the question about "is it abusive when a person deliberately disregards another person's boundries?" and she will not answer...
that makes me pissed.

i really don't know if this is fixable.
i don't think so.
the things my mom says are just in such denial and so far from the reality of the situation.
and so twisted. and she clearly doesn't think she has done anything wrong at all.
and she clearly thinks that *I* am the one who is abusing her.
and it really seems that she feels i do not have the right to set up boundries because boundries to her are "rules" that
i am making to somehow control her or something. and because she is the mother and "loves me", this "love" has no regard for any boundries i may have because "motherly love" knows no bounds."
and she sees having regard for my boundries as somehow subservient and beneath her.
she is the mother!

she kept getting up and saying "look at me! i am your mother! i am only 5 feet tall! i am not the enemy!"
this was someting she repeated often. and she really was in such pain as she said it.
what am i supposed to say to that?
she really thinks she is just this small mother whose only flaw is that she loves me so much.
why have i abused her by swearing at her and calling her a narcissist and setting up "rules" and not calling her and seeing her?

she says time and time again. what do you WANT from me?
i tell her time and time again that i want her to stop insulting me.
she doesn't hear me or understand.
she answers " look at me! i am only 5 feet tall! i am your mother! i am not the enemy!"

earth to mother ...earth to mother...
are you there?

at the end she still kept trying to hug me or something. she desperately looked into my eyes searching and searching for what i could not give her. searching and searching in my eyes like a desperate animal that truly doesn't understand why it has been rejected. it was painful to see. but at the same time i did not want to connect with her in that way.
i was NOT going to do some sort of soul connection/heart connection with her.
i was not going to allow myself to be searched in that way or be vulnerable in that way to her.
i had to remain composed, detached, grounded, sheilded if i was to make it through in one piece with any semblance of logic left in my brain.
she is the master of confusion and manipulation.
even when she does not realize that is what she is doing. but she is the MASTER of it.
i would not be lured by my mothers desperate plea for a soul and heart connection with her.
for i knew that as soon as i did that. all logic would leave me and i would be dashed like a ship against the rocks.
i was not going to disarm myself. i will not be lured into her confusion.
i had to keep my wits about me.

it was hard.
but i dashed out of there so incredibly fast.
leaving my mom crying in the snow.
and she gave me a few xmas presents, too...which i did NOT want to take but she begged me to. and i feel guilty and heartless in saying that i think that was very manipulative of her, too.
like here she is, the good mom, giving me xmas presents, too. augh.

it would seem so heartless fo me. and believe me i feel incredibly guilty for it.
i felt lost and scared and confused. it was a nightmare.
but there was nothing i could say or do that i hadn't already said or done.
i am at a loss. i can't just give her what she wants.
and i think what she wants from me is that i should just forget everything and hug her and erase everything and start over.
and if i had not already tried this with her many many other times without success because she ALWAYS returned back to hurting me...i would have tried it again.

but this time i need to to really GET it. what she has done.
because i need to be ASSURED that i will not continue to be hurt.

i don't think i will get this from her.
and i also cannot forget.

now i have 2 hours before i go to sonia's to get my hair done so i have to go find all my dreads and braids and things to bring over there. and i have to take a bath.
and i wanted to take a nap, too, but i am so wound up now...
and i don't know if there is time enough for me to take a nap.

i am exhausted.

 

 

4:32am

deiter likes to lick his nose compulsively

wouldn't you just kill yourself if this happened to you?

4:25am

i need to get to sleep.
i'm such a night owl. i putz and putz all night long.

fascinating food update:
just ate 12 raw almonds...or something close to 12.
i wasn't really keeping track.

posted some photos in various lj communities.
thought about a ne rule for photoconest but i don't think it will fly.

goodnight.

 

3:03am

i think i will also type out everythig i eat as well as everything i spend...
so let me think..

yesterday i ate:

4 small dates, 1 small cranberry muffin, hibiscus tea with teaspoon of honey.
1 cup of noodle soup, 1 tomato, 1 yam, 1 small packet of potato chips, 1 coke, 3 eggs with butter, 4 almonds, 1 mango

i'm here looking at these:

http://www.bushin30seconds.org/

2:04am

i have so much to do today.
i absolutely have to get to the bank.
and then i have to get home, call a cab and then go to the 2nd therapy session with my mom which i am not looking forward to AT all.
and i have not done my homework which was to write out what it is i want from my mom. but i could write it all out in 1 sentence. and i already said it in the last session.
i guess i will just write it out when i get back from the bank.
i don't know.
the whole thing makes me want to vomit.

and i feel very mixed up inside by a few things my dad told me about his will.
i feel good and then also bad. and i don't want to type about it right now. and i think it will all have to simmer for a good long time.
it's all very complex. and i'm feeling happiness and relief mixed with guilt and anger. death and money will do that to a person.

i really need to write this out in a private paper journal.

money spent yesterday:

$4.00 on 2 packets of potato chips and a bottle of coke.
it was an actual glass bottle. i think it was mexican coca cola.

after i get back from my session with my mom
it's time for getting ready to get my hair done again by sonia at 9pm.
sonia is so damn good to me to keep doing my hair.
i really feel like the most fortunate person on the face of the earth that she does this for me.
because when she does my hair i just feel really transformed itno ME again. what she gives me is so much more than hair.
she gives me my feeling of ME back. and a feeling of being beautiful again.
and then i feel sensual and confident again.
when i don't have my hair in i feel normal and bland and boring.
and older.

but tomorrow i will be transformed again and i really look forward to that because i NEED that very much.

i made her angora wristwarmers and a hat.
with angora yarn i spun myself.

have any of you seen that documentary called "born rich"?
wow. that was VERY interesting.
very interesting to see that not one of those people mentioned a single word about doing anything altruistic.
there was not an ounce of spirituality or VISION of the world in any of them. they seemed so empty...so lost.
except for, perhaps, a tiny teeny tiny bit by the man who was doing the documentary who was also born rich. at least he was STARTING to question things and talk about the money.
it was a real mind boggler to see that documentary.
and it really shows just the entire disconnection with all things and the total imbalance of power.

it's funny how these people have millions and millions and nothing altruistic is even mentioned.

and yet, then you have my dad who doesn't have a lot of money and wants to leave most of what he has to charity.

and so...the whole money thing...
it's very complex and very very screwy.
and it makes me just want to scream.

and i really shouldn't even think about it because it is totally out of my control.
and so i just have to detach and let go.
let go let go let go.....

but there is some huge lesson in here for me in this...
and with that movie...it mirrored back to me a bunch of stuff that i have not yet totally digested yet.
but...there is some message here the universe is trying to show me...

and all my astrology and numerology always says to me that i am here to master money.
and when i went to a psychic one time she said that all my life i have been praying for money.

and so WHAT? WHAT! what am i here to learn about money?

it frustrates me that maybe i am not "getting" it.
am i here to manage it? have it? not have it?
make it? give it up? what?

what's up with me and money?
what's my deal?

i am READY to get it now!

LAY IT ON ME UNIVERSE!
let's get this over with!
tell me what i need to hear!
i'm totally listening!