January 5th, 2004
    
     
     

11:59am

came home from all my movie watching and there is dried blood all over the kithcen because right before i left i cut one of sebastian's toenails to short. gah.
i feel just awful. i knew it was bleeding a little bit but i thought it would stop in a few minutes.
but it obviously just kept on bleeding and bleeding. the poor little guy :(
who knew so much blood could come ut of just one tiny toenail?
argh.
so tomorrow i will give him and everyone else a bath too.
i took all the lighter coloured sheets off my bed. what a mess.

i had so much to tell you about the movies...
but now this has erased it all from my mind...
must go clean now and then listen to coast to coast.
and i'm also hungry.

5:06pm

i didn't make it to the bank. but i did pay rent.
it's 1 below zero outside. brrrrrr.

i finally found out from the companies i ordered jason's xmas presents from that the things are on the way to me.
THANK GOD.
everyday i go to my mail, wagging my tail like a little puppy hoping that the presents will be in there.

i'm going to crochet now until i go see my monday night movie with my friends.
also i need to eat something and clean some.
and take a bath.

7:10am

 

6:42am

was up all night make this very complex and very weird hat.
i'm not even near being done with it.

i'm not going to get 8 hours of sleep, that is to be sure because i have to get up by at least 2pm to make it to the bank so i can pay rent!

gah.

all i want to do is not sleep and just keep crocheting this hat.
i hate that i have to sleep sometimes.
sometimes a hat just takes me over.
i hope this hat will be as cool as i think it will be.
it's already so vastly different than what i thought i was making and it changes on me hourly.
that is why i love free form crochet because i am just as surprised by the process as everyone else.
it's such a magical thing to watch it be created...sometimes i do not feel like i am crocheting it, it is just crocheting itself. a hat just will itself into being from one long continous piece of string.
string theory.
that is how it is when i write a song or draw, too...most times.

throughout my hat making i have tried out many different kinds of hats. but now i need to make more in the style of the "hippy borg" hat and "french acid". i need to make rrrreeeaaally weird and super organic hats. hats that just create themselves like some sort of creature. that makes me really happy.

i don't want to make the nicer normal hats i made for awhile.
or, i suppose i may have to when i need the $.
and i do enjoy making them.
but i do feel the real $ for me will happen when i specialize.
because i do truly believe that when you are doing what it is you truly love, that is when the universe steps in and helps you out.
that when you are truly "living in grace"
and that is also when you AREn't doing it for the $
because you are doing what you love purely.
but it just so happens, that is also when everything else i your life starts to click and fall into place.
that's the way it has been for me.
and i do think that has been my hat selling rut.
i haven't TRULY gone right out there and made the hats that are in my head that would take weeks or even months to make.
and i need to do that.
i need to trust in the universe more that that is te right thing to do.

i need to make really bizarre hats that are true sculptures.
hats that bjork would wear in a photo session.
(and me :)

 


moon phases
 

 

12:56am

 

12:00am

i have to start writing down everything i spend $ on.
so...so far this year:

my album "now" bought off ebay = 7.50
lunch for my dad and i = 24.50

tomorrow i have to get cheques into the bank so i can pay rent.
and i need cash for a cab to get to the therapst thing with my mom on tuesday and cash to take a cab to sonia's house so she can put dreads back in my hair! yay :)
although i seriously do now know if i will have any extra money i can pay for a cab. every last dime might need to go for rent.
and if that happens, i don't know what i will do...