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December
17th, 2003 |
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10:26pm
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(above) deiter likes to stand on jason and i :)
look at my sparkly faerie hat
that bionicgurl made me!
woo hoo!
she sent me a big box of prezzies!
more fabric to cut up, yarn, kitchy things and this hat!
and her grandmother's satin wedding dress which i am going to do a performance
on cam with!
i do have good friends :)
jason and i broke down and had part of xmas tonight :)
he kept wanting to give me his present
and he teases me about wanting to give it to me every day!
so since his family is opening presents for chanukah
this saturday, we aren't really THAT early opening some now :)
he still has to wait for his because his haven't arrived in the mail yet.
he got me this really miniature printer that you don't have to hook up to a computer to print photos off a memory card :)
it's so cute and cool and he even
got me a tote for it so i can travel with it :) i can't wait to play around
with it!
what a cool present!! :)
4:31om
cold and grey.
ate leftover noodle soup from yesterday. yum :)
i'm still laying low since yesterday's session with my mom used up all my
energy.
i'm feeling bad that my mom did not
get what she needed from me yesterday.
i know she needed some sort of connection with me but i just would not allow
it. and i'm afrid that because she didn't get what she wanted and also that
it hurt her so much, she will decide not to have any more sessions with me.
i already feel like care taking her and making sure she is ok and understands
what is going on.
i don't know. i hate this. i have so many conflicting feelings.
but on the other hand, i did not get what i needed from her either, which was to acknowledge what she has done to me and to the therapist.
i guess it is not my job to make sure that my mom is feeling ok and understands what is going on. i shouldn't have to feel that this is my job and i am the one who must somehow hold this whole thing together. but somehow i totally feel the burden of this responsibility and it really irks me.
i can't control this situation and i don't WANT to control this situation.
the session yesterday was just so
jarring and abrupt.
sessions should be 2 or 3 hours long, i feel.
who can get anything done in 45 minutes once every 2 weeks?
or even 45 minutes every week.
the psychologist yesterday said "i feel your communication is going THIS way...", and she made gestures with her hands coming toward each other but being on separate but parallel paths so when they should have met they didn't intersect but rather were like 2 planes in the sky passing each other.
and she continued, "and i want
you to communicate THIS way."
and she made her hands come towards each other put this time the tips of her
fingers on each hand touched each other.
well, DUH TIMES INIFINITY KINDERGARTEN LADY!
5:09am
i was up all night again researching
the raw food diet, fruitarianism mostly.
i came acoss this site:
which seemed pretty grounded and
insightful in it's assessment of all those types of diets.
getting past the myths and the dogma.
it really is interesting how deeply people feel about what foods they eat.
how it can become a religion, an identity, etc.
i have noticed that when i post about food, people can get as riled up about
that as a debate on sex or money.
we are a society that is pretty screwed up about food.
this page below, in particular, was really well thought out (Idealism vs. Realism: A Comparison), imo. but every page is very much "food for thought". and it's such a huge site. i've barely scratched the surface of it.
http://www.beyondveg.com/billings-t/ideal-real/idealism-realism-1a.shtml