December 16th, 2003
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11:37pm

i went to bed at 10:30 but now i am awake again.

5:09pm

yes, i am pretty exhausted.
jason and i are going to go eat at the noodle place.
soup will be good.

4:36pm

it's impossble to put a king sized duvet on a king sized comforter all by oneself.
i could get it on straight at all...but i give up on that ofr now until someone can help me with it.
i'm also questioning my judgement on buying the beige one instead of the red one.

3:52pm

i think all the positive thoughts coming way way from my friends must have helped with my therapist session with my mom today because i did rather well.
and i wore an obsidian bracelet for protection and brought along the amulet thingie made me.
and btripp did shielding and jaosn sent me healing, too. and all the rest of my friends sent me positive vibes.
at 1st i didn't know if i would do well because my throat totally closed up and i couldn't breathe.
but somehow i got my breath back.
it was just the basic beginning session of filling out paperwork and then each of us told our sides of the story
and said what we wanted to accomplish.
my mom was the one who did most of the crying, and i think that's why i dd not cry.
seeing her cry just made me shut down. i do that with a lot of situations. i become the opposite of what the other person is to balance out the room..
i just became really calm and shut down but kind of in a good grounding type of way.
i feel bad to leave my mom crying like that but i just couldn't allow myself to take that in.
i didn't want to empathize with her because that would mean opening up my heart center to her and i did not want to merge with her in any way whatsoever. i didn't want to be vulnerable in any way.
i think that was a smart way to be.
i even hugged her goodbye but i wanted to remain detached from it so it was more like i was just hugging and aquaintence. i just could not take in the reality and ramifications of that was my mom standing right in front of me.

she gave me some oranges and i gave her this shawl i had crocheted for her long ago.

as i'm typing this out it's making me feel way worse over the image of my mom crying and looking all lost and vulnerable. but to allow myself to get sucked into that and empathize is NOT a good idea for me.
but it's hard not to because she's my MOM and seeing her cry is just the worst.

i don't know what more i can say.
the therapist seemed nice enough.
the session was too short...i don't know how you are supposed to get anything done in 1/2 an hour.
it just feels like everything was stirred up and then left.

we are supposed to now each write what was want to accomplish with this.
but i thought i had already said that today so i don't know why i have to reiterate it again on paper.
our next session is january 6th at 2pm.
i am feeling pessimistic that this will heal anything.
but i'll give it a try. i'm glad this isn't costing me any money!

i need to go vedge out now.
watch tv. anything but mull this over for the rest of the day...
even tho i know that's what i will do...

eebomb is the one who gave me a ride there and back. she crocheted in the lobby while we were in the session. she is such a good friend.

mabe i will take a nap now.
i'm just exhausted.

but 1st, my ikea duvet came today that igot on ebay.
i'm going to put fresh sheets on my bed now and put that on,
and then snuggle to tv and crochet.

4:09am

3:36am

see the red x on the 1st picture of deiter there?
i didn't put that there and i have no idea how it got on there!
how weird and mysterious is that?

when i put on the nightshot now on my cam, the word "nightshot" doesn't show up on the cam picture anymore. even tho we emailed sony and asked them how to get that off and they said it couldn't be done...it obviously can be done.
it's off!
but HOW and WHY?

yet another very mysterious thing...

1:47am

here are some pictures of the "snorkler" i am making!
i didn't mean for it to be a hat, but it kind of turned into a hat at one point of the stage. it's going to be very elaborate, i think.
next i'm going to make the arms and legs and then it will be a lot of detailing.

i better get to bed soon....