December 15th, 2003
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10:05pm

a winter storm is on it's way.
if my mom has to cancel our appointment tomorrow because it will be too difficult to drive in it...
i will just scream. i need to get this over with. i can't handle one more day of waiting.

my mom spells tomorrow "tomarrow".
she always spells it that way.
when i pointed out to her the spelling mistake she just said that it was a typo because she types fast.
except that she makes this typo every time and the A and the O are on opposite sides of the keyboard.
she just can't admit to any mistake even if it something as trivial as not knowing how to spell one word.

in happier news, i am crocheting a really weird stuffed animal.
it's kind of a pig/elephant/anteater
it's going to have red and white striped furry legs, 6 tits,
and there will be a hole in it's back where i am going to stuff it's chest cavity full of white mohair "eggs".

sometimes my ideas rule so much i can hardly stand it! :)
i am so glad i amuse myself to no end :)

4:44pm

tomorrow i go to the therapist with my mom at 2pm.
i am so nervous about this i can barely breathe.
my stomache is in knots and i feel dizzy and nauseous.
i think i will probably be this way until it is finally over with tomorrow.
i am miserably anxious. i can barely stand to be in my own skin.
i just want to shut down.
i would give anything, anything at all, just to have a few xanax for tomorrow.
i am so terrified. i hope i don't throw up or faint.
or hyperventilate or start crying uncontrolably.
i will probably do at least 1 of those things.
i'll have to crawl into the office on my hands and knees because i don't know how i will walk.

i can't even bare to type this out.

i think i am going to bring in my little tape recorder and tape the session.
because i want to be able to go back and listen again in case i am so nervous i can't even take in what is being said.