December 9th, 2003
past anagrams	menu	utb

 

 

11:59pm

good lord! i must stop frowning!

in other news...
i have thought and thought and thought and thought about jason's xmas present
and have wobbled back and forth about many things...
but i THINK i may have found it.

9:57pm

ya, i feel like a dork for saying this...
but i want the canon back...

9:41pm

well, i may have to take THIS camcorder back, too :(
when i turn it to nightshot it says "nightshot" on the picture and the text will NOT leave unless press "menu"

and leave the menu on my viewfinder. so when i look into my viewfinder right now...i am seeing the #$% menu.
and i don't need to be distracted by that when i am taking pix.
how retarded is that?

emailed sony and i'll see what they say.
i hope they have someting to tell me that helps because that is just stupid!

plus the nightshot is not as powerful as the one i had on the sony i had that broke :( in fact, it's 16X darker.
and to get one that is 16X lighter i think i have to pay and extra 100 to 200 bucks. *sigh*

but even tho that, and even tho there is a woman in photocontest who is completely bizarre and psycho to to eh point that she will not leave photocontest and i had to ban her from my journal,

today is a HECK of a lot better than yesterday.
and that is because of the nice kind support i have gotten from people.
that makes all the difference in the world to me.
just to get SOMETHING back.

thank you for that.

6:54pm

i traded in my camcorder for a sony one that has night vision like before.
i will hook the new one up in a sec...but 1st i must eat!
there is a huge snowstorm outside!
i got those 2 pacakages mailed off thanks to jason driving me to a UPS.
driving was terrible!

5:20am

an iron worker boy scout troop leader from alabama bought my rubber fetish ball.
interesting :)

i better get to bed now...

3:51am

i'm so glad i have my dogs.
i don't know what i'd do without them.

3:01am

i wonder if there is something astrological going on.
because as i go through my friends list, no one seems to be happy, including me.
in fact, many people seem very volatile.

12:59am

major rant
i hate stupid people.
i hate mean people.
i hate stupid mean people who actually think they are SMART.
THAT is the worst.
i don't think i want to even have another discussion with anyone i do not know on the internet EVER again.
it's not worth the torture.
i am deeply disappointed and disgusted with humanity in general.
i think i will just cultivate the friendships i know i can trust and just stop sticking my foot out the door and trying to say hi to anyone else. it's not worth the risk anymore. i don't get back what i wish to get out of it 99% of the time and 75% of the time it's pure agony. i'd rather be alone that have to deal with one single more person's bullshit. i'm so drained. i don't trust anyone.

i don't even want to write this out here because i'm so afraid.
my skin has been burned off.
i write everything in ana2, but i am even afraid to write in there. just don't know when some asshole is going to post it all over the internet and i'll be made fun of for 7 more years.
it's hard to always try to not care.
people are so cruel.

and i see what they do to the other camgirls.
it's not even camgirls, tho...it's everywhere.
have you ever read the forums at yahoo in the news section under each news article? i don't know what it is the deal with that but no matter WHAT the article is about it will always break into something about how niggers should die and iraqis should die and how women are whores and how gays should die.

you'd think i could just get numbed to this somehow.
but i just never do get numbed to it. which is a curse and a blessing.

it's hard for me to continue to write online.
or communicate online.

part of me just wants to have pictures only and take away all the ways that people could communicate to me about it.

not like people won't rip apart my pictures and read into those like they do my words.

i don't know anymore about this whole online journaling thing anymore. i used to think it was such a good thing. but now, i am not so sure. as the years go by and the scars accumulate...
it just gets less and less worth it for each year that passes.

i don't know what the lesson is in all of this.
is the lesson to just not open up?
is the world just not ready for it yet?
will it ever be?
should we all just hide our true selves to most of the world because that is what is safe and safe is better?
has online journaling helped anyone?
ask me that in the 1st few years and i would have said absolutely.
but as the years go by, the bile seeps in and pretty soon, after 6 years...you're just drowning in it.

i used to get a lot more positive feedback.
but now i FEEL like i get more negative, because i think the positive ones are more silent maybe?

and i am one of the positive ones and i feel like going more silent.
is that what happened to them?

does this mean the bad guys win?

is the solution for me to just put a stop to 2 way communication and just do my thing on the internet. stop all emails, forums, etc.
and i'll stop reading everything, too.
i may have to do it that way to regain my sanity.

i was seriously disturbed when i read this on internet today:

"I saw Amanda/Tiffany/Whoever this was! No, she is NOT in New York or even in California. She was in *****! She is thinner and looked sickly. I almost bumped in to her as she came out of a medical office building. I just said, "Amanda?" before I even realized it. She gave me a deer in the headlights look and I heard her gasp. She only said, "Yes, I mean no." and walked off (almost running) towards the parking lot. I think she got into a larger (Lincoln Towncar type) car that I saw in the parking lot. I had noticed it when I parked, a guy in his 50's was sitting behind the wheel. Very interesting!"

(***i deleted where she is now because i feel it's no ones business)

i mean, this poor woman who is just trying to live a life after she left her cam. and she tried to throw people off the trail of where she was and someone posts this on the internet where she is now.
and even tho this person could see she was in utter horror and pain it didn't matter to him. she isn't seen as a real human being who is hurting and needs to be left alone. she is seen as a deer who needs to be hunted down.
not only that but i think people really feel she DESERVES to be hunted down.

and here's a recent one on jennifer:

"Funny thing about money. Jenni has no problem laying in bed, nude,masturbating in front of a camera. But ask her how much money she takes in from operating Jennicam and it's none of your business."

now that is greatly disturbing and this is how a lot of people think.
i mean, WHAT is the logic behind if you make money from sex you OWE it to people to tell them your finances? can ANYONE make a logical connection with that?
but this is REALLY how a LOT of people think.
because people are even more fucked up about money than sex.
and when you mix sex and money together it gets even more twisted.
and GOD FORBID a woman should be in CHARGE of her own sexuality AND her own money and DARE to actually mix the two.
CRUCIFY HER.

HUNT HER DOWN LIKE A DEER.

there are even guys on there STILL who are trying to figure out her phone number to try to call her. and these are even from guys who profess to be on her side. WTF???
how creepy is that?

it just goes on and on.

if anyone who is writing a book on camgirls. or heck just women..
and women and celebrity...with sex and money.
THIS is the shit that should be addressed.

but i do not think i am the person to do it because i get too riled.
and i haven't saved my hatemail nor do i want to save any of this stuff on my computer because, to me, it just has evil evil energy in it and i don't want it anywhere near me.

and let me also make it clear that the people who have REALLY stalked me , harrassed me, and been violent to me have been people i have known and loved. or else it happened when i was working at winchells' donuts when i was a "nobody"
so it really has nothing to do with celebrity.

but online this shit is DOCUMENTED like no other time in history.
you can see the mysogyny. it's not hidden. and it needs to be addressed.

well, i had no idea this would turn into such a tirade.