December 8th, 2003
    
     
     

a new interesting place?

http://www.rense.com/

10:59pm

going to a movie and seeing my friends that DON'T suck cheered me up.

even tho the movies are always depressing. :)

today was damn exhausting. i'm sure it was exhausting just to read this.

i don't think i am going to try to have any discussions with people on the internet (except in ana2) for a damn long time. i don't even feel like running photocontest right now because the apples that spoil the cart are so damn rotten.

at least 2 people finally stuck up for me and i can't even tell you how relieved that makes me.
my energy gets sucked bone dry and i need some support sometimes.

i feel like i should be russian now and smoke a filthy cigarette and lean against a cement wall as i say that.

i need to learn some russian swear words.

 

 

6:49pm

friend wrote back. didn't apologize or even acknowledeg i was hurt.
said nothing whatsoever to me to make me feel at all better.
nice...ok no wait...i just got an email that makes me feel a TAD bit better so that is much better.

and webcam32 people never wrote me back which i think is a pretty shitty policy to make someone pay for their product TWICE when they go and change whatever it was they changed so that it won't take my old registration code anymore. that sucks ass.

6:19pm

i emailed my friend and told her that what she did deeply hurt my feelings and humiliated me.
i wonder if i will here back anything.
i'm not going to count on it.

5:53pm

i broke down and i'm drinking a mountain dew code red.
i hope the sugary goodness stablizes my bizarre blown-out-of-proportion tantrum.
i hate when i get like that.

in 1 hour and 45 minutes i go to the movie with my friends.
maybe jason will come, too, for the first time if he gets home in time.

i need to take a calming bath.
and i need to eat something. all i ate today was 2 slices of cheese.
i'm so sick of chicken and cheese i could just die.

i am going to clean now. yes more cleaning. yay.
but i have to keep on top of it. i just have to.

i yelled in photocontest to the wimpdicks talking shit behind my back.
i feel all rock and roll now.
i'm pulling a courtney love.
don't mess with me all you stupid people.

the sugar is hitting my veins.

sugar sweeeet sweet sugar.
how do i love thee?

ok, i'm getting my sense of humour back
that is a good sign.

5:14pm

i may have to break down and have a sugar coke.
i am losing my fucking mind.
i don't at all feel well.
this is not a good day for me.
i feel ugly and i feel like a failure and i feel completely overwhelmed by everything.
and i know this is not really the way it is and this is all in my mind (sort of).
maybe if i can have a coke and i get a grip on reality and sort myself out before i flip out even more.

i could write an opera or put together a film crew and make a movie.
but i cannot deal with ups or the telephone or the mail.
or forms. how would i make a movie without being able to deal with that? i would hire someone else to do it, of course.

5:06pm

this woman from canada wants me to call this ups 1-800 # and have them put in on her account and then they come and pick it up and i fill out forms and what not.
she has no idea that this sort of thing makes me FREAK OUT.

i HATE FORMS.
I HATE UNKNOWN WEIRD SHIT WITH FORMS AND CALLING PEOPLE ON THE PHONE.
I HAVE HORRIBLE PARANOIA I WILL FUCK IT ALL UP.
I HATE PEOPLE I DO NOT KNOW COMING TO MY HOUSE TO MAKE ME FILL OUT FORMS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!
AND I HATE WAITING FOR THESE PEOPLE TO ARRIVE!

i hate it i hate it i hate it.

my phone is always out of batteries because i never plug it in.
i never know the code for people to ring my door.

i am a totally normal and functioning person,
EXCEPT when it comes to forms and the telephone and the mail.
put all three together and i am NOT HAPPY!

4:35pm

god i just HATE mailing things!!! it just WEIGHS on me like a lead brick on my brain all day and all night.
i FINALLY was going to get to the p.o box and send these 2 things. but AGAIN i can find NO BOX that fits this goddamn glass globe i must mail. NO box at the post service fits it. NO BOX at my house fits it.
NOTHING FUCKING FITS OR WORKS!! IT'S MADDENING!
i have bought boxes and expensive $#$#$# bubblewrap all in vain.
all i can do now is go to mail boxes etc and have them box this fucking thing so i can get it to the person in one piece. and they are SO EXPENSIVE. and they are NOT by my house and i have NO FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING way there except to take an expensive cab. which i have no CASH. so that means, haul my ass to to the other side of town in the winter to get cash. I HATE MAILING THINGS!!!!
you'd think this sort of thing would be easy for me , but no, it makes my life a LIVING HELL.

and THAT, my friends, is why i hate selling things on ebay.

and i want to send this OTHER thing off and i just realized this person has not given me her address!
not only that but she wants it sent usps worldwide priority with a tracking #.
no can do. there is no fucking ups around me and like i can afford that ( i'm paying for shipping)
she is just going to have to settle for normal mail and i can buy some sort of number for this thing for an extra $10 if this thing gets lost they can find it. this thing is going to canada so it's limited what i can do.

i HATE mailing shit. it bums me out SO MUCH, you have NO IDEA.
i HATE carrying heavy awkward packages through the cold ass winter crap.

i'm losing my fucking mind over this. i want these packages OUT of here.
i cannot deal with the stress of not being able to get these packages to people.
it's eating away at me.

i know this just seems ridiculous! but i can't help it!
i'm freaking out!!!! GODFUCKINGDAMMIT!

i am so unhappy right now!
everything just seems totally horrid and futile!
i want to chuck myself and everything i own out the window!
and i want a fucking coke and some french fries!!!

i can't seem to get organized.
and all i want is to get rid of my stuff.
WHY does it have to be a job within a job within a job just to do that??? WHY is it SO HARD for me to do???

and i'm SICK of cleaning my house.
FUCK CLEANING!!!

but i MUST! i NEED ORGANIZATION AND PEACE!

I NEED ROOM TO DO MY ART!

I CAN'T MOVE OR BREATHE IN HERE!

I FEEL UTTERLY CLAUSTROPHOBIC!!!

there is just no way out.

there is NOTHING i can do.

every step ahead i make it seems i fall one step behind and so i move NOWHERE. i am DYING!!!!!!!!

 

and people SUCK! so i ban that cheating girl from photocontest. and now *I* am an asshole, a tyrant. WHATEVER!
and people just MAKE SHIT UP about me. what the fuck???
and does ANYONE come to my rescue and say that these people are way off base? no they don't. no one says a fucking thing.
because everyone is a fucking WIMP.
it's just like high school all over again.
and the bullies go on bullying and everyone keeps their head up their goddammn wimp ass and so the pain goes on and on and on and on and on.

what am i???? some sort of robot with no feelings???
how fucking fair is that????

i'm sick of people and their wimpy ass bullshit.

i want off this planet.

 

 

2:29pm

i have a lot of errands to do today so i better snap to it.
i lost 2 pounds (probably just water weight) so i am at 107.4.
but it's cool just SEEING 107 since it was a big goal of mine to weigh 107. if i can get to 105, then i'll know i actually weigh 107, tho. cause you always lose lots of water weight on the 1st few days of atkins that you just get back when you go off of it.