December 1st, 2003
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i have to add to what i wrote below because i don't think i was as clear as i wanted to be.
i pretty much always believed in the things i wrote about. so all those things are not recent ideas to me.
ideas that life goes on after death, etc. what IS new to me is the idea that life CAN be a smooth continuation of this one, in some respect, after death. it doesn't have to be this insanely radical departure from everything i understand now. sure, i won't have a physical body, so THAT is pretty freaky...and so you can do things like fly and walk through walls. but i think there still can still be things like walls , if you want. and i think you can have your own space and have a house. before i always thought about it as vast weird open space, futuristic landscapes, and wandering around in this forever. not very peaceful to me. i guess my dreams are like that. me wandering around in wildernesses wondering what i'm doing there and trying to figure out the rules and just being very alone.
i guess i dream that because that is kind of how i feel NOW, on earth.
so the thought that when i die i will get plummeted into some unknown reality of weirdness is not at all a comforting thought to me.
it seems actually quite ridiculous that just as i figure things out HERE, on earth, i should have to start all over again.
screw that.
this time i want things to be a continuation. and i want a smooth transition that makes SENSE.
i want it to be very much like walking through a door into another room. and i don't want this room to be like in the movie beetlejuice with weird vortexes and bizarre rules i don't understand.
there has to be a place where i finally get to have a HOME and settle down and just do my art in peace.
a place where i don't have to fear walking around at "night". a place where i will not be sold into white slavery if i travel to the opposite end of it. a place where i don't have to live in fear and where people let me be and i don't have to worry about nuclear war and biological attacks or rape. a place where i am not judged by my sex or by my size or my looks and where what i have to offer is valued. and if it is not valued, at least it is not used against me and where my body cannot be used against myself as a weapon.
a place where there is no government that can tax me on my home and on what i do.
and take away everything i own or throw me in jail if i cannot do that or refuse to.
and i won't have a body but if i did, it would be a place where good fresh food that is free of poisons will be a right to have and not a priveledge to have.
i would think that most of the universe would be like this and that earth MUST be some weird exception.
some weird crazy fluke.
i'm glad i'm here. i know i asked to be here. and i know that my memories of this place will be fond ones.
i'll be sad to go, whenever that is...but i am surely not going to miss the insanity of this world, and the crazy crap that we are allowing to happen here.

i suspect that where i go it won't be a TOTAL utopia. but i'm certainly NOT going to pick to live anywhere NEAR all the assholes on this planet. nex time, whereever they go...i am going in the opposite direction.
i shouldn't have to put up with this much insanity life after life after life.
i shouldn't have to be afraid to walk around and visit all the places on this planet.
i shouldn't have places that are off limits to me. and it certainly is ridiculous to me that there is a dress code here and that if i don't follow it, my life is in danger or i could get locked up in jail or an insane aylum for not following it.

no sirree. i have a lot still to do on this planet and i hope to live until i am 127 years old.
but i do look forward to leaving here, too.

but if i DO have to reincarnate. i'm coming back as a little fluffy dog that lives in a super groovy mansion.

6:09pm

just getting lots of little things done today. sometimes that all i can manage.
replying to some email, trimming sebastian's fur so he can see, heating up soup for jason.
jason moved my bookmark's from one computer to another. i think i may have more bookmarks than anyone on the planet, and they are all disorganized.
did anacam biz, updated the hat page. surfed around on lj.
i should clean a bit so i can keep my house clean. i should do that every day.
i'm starting to look back on 2003 and see what i accomplished.
looking into 2004 to see what is next.
i made over 50 hats so far in 2003 and i'll probably finish about 4 more before the end of the year.
i'd like to go back on the atkins soon and lose a bunch more weight before the new year so i can feel good about that. i also need to get off my ass and excercise. i think i have gained 2 pounds in the last month.
so i weigh around 111.

i'd be happy if i could lose 4 pounds by 2004.

i want to set lofty goals for myself, but then again, i do not.

i think my biggest goal right now is to get rid of most of my stuff and become a lot more minimal.

i might start putting myself on a schedule just to see if that improves my life.
but i really detest schedules.

i need to start SMALL.

and then so much BIG stuff is starting to get settled in my head.
you have seen me write about some of it. i think the big one was DEATH.
ha.

i have grappled with my "BIG ART PROJECT" of life and what i want to leave behind, etc etc etc.
doumenting my whole life.... yada yada yada , holding onto things because it's all part of my grand documenting plan.
but it has hit me finally that i really will live only approx 50 more years and this is no longer a super depressing thought but rather a kind of exciting thought because i have decided that i want to think in the positive way of that the ending of my life really IS just an illusion. and that i just cannot see that because when you reincarnate on earth the density here makes you forget the neverendingness of it all. i really MUST believe that when i die i will go on almost exactly as i am now. i will still be ME, i will still have the essence of this personality, i will still be an artist.
and that i still will and can make art on "the other side".
not only that, but i really must believe that i can live a very "earthlike" existence over there if i want it to be like that.
because the universe is infinite and all infinite possibilities are possible, and because i am just as much a part of the universe as anything else and therefore the captain of my own ship...because that is how i want it to be.
i am deciding that when i die, i would like to have my dream house and some peace and some nature over there.
it HAS to be that way because there is no way life could be THIS stupid and frustrating to always just not get what you want. i think i will be able to create my own reality a little bit better and a little bit quicker on the other side.
or..if not... still am going to have eons of infinite time to still read all the books i want and see all the movies i want and also visit the places i want.
if there really is an "akashic record/library" of ALL THAT IS
and if i can even access it now, then i must be able to access it after i die, too.
and therefore, that is why i will still be able to read all the books i want.
and why i will not forget who i am.

i am a big fan of the jane robert's "seth" books. and seth said HE had a house over there on the other side and also simultaeously was a dog living on earth. AND simultaneously was writing many books and joking around with jane roberts who pondered that seth was just really her in the "future".

so, if seth can have a house on the other side, so can i.

so, i don't feel as mad a rush to get everything done in this lifetime as i have infinite time to get things done.
i don't have to finish all my art projects, read all my books, and get a house while i am still here on earth.

i have all the time in the universe.

PLUS, i only have to deal with this age thing for really not too long.
in 50 years or so i will be dead and i will get a new body.
i can have whatever groovy body i want.

and i can get rid of all my things because heck, they are all in the akashic records.
i probably can just *think* them into existence after i die.
and i can continue my documenting art project "over there"

when i've thought about death before i thought it would just be either extremely boring floating around...
or it would be way too ungrounding and overstimulating having all these gorgeous angels and music and swirling colours and multidimensions and entities all over the place.
i don't want to live in alice's wonderland.

or else i thought it would be too lonely because everyone i know is over here.
but when i die, i guess all my friends will also be dead, so we can all meet up over there.

it really has to be that way, i've decided. because having it another way just doesn't make sense to me.
and if i come back to earth, i'll just be a "walk in" because i have no desire to go through childhood all over again.
i really just don't want to keep forgetting then being reborn over and over. that is insanity.
i really do love earth so much and i am not one of those people who has ever wanted to leave it.
but as i see what is happening in the world now, and i see that even if i did make the ultimate documentation piece to leave behind when i go...that it will just get blown up very soon anyway because i do feel that ultimate destruction is going to happen for this planet very soon. i mean, everything comes to an end anyway in that respect.
i guess i have finally come to terms with it and i don't feel as strong a need to fight for my life, or for this planet, or for humanity, or for my art, or for my history or anyone's history.

i have gone back now and looked and studied the history of this planet (and am still studying as it really is a great story)....because i really want to understand WHY everything happens the the way it does.
i have come to the conclusion that i will never REALLY know the truth of what has happened and why things are happening now. and because there are infinite parallel realities, EVERYTHNG is true.
and everything is also then false. so it really negates everything.
all it is a really good story to get caught up in.
and it really IS true that all we have is NOW.

so...it has been really hard to give up my history.
yet at the same time love it and play with it.
it is a fine line.
and i think i am finally learning how to ride that line.
how to detach from it yet have just as much fun with it.
maybe even more fun because now my life does not depend on it.

because the answer, for me, is also not to totally give up my history until i become a total blank nothing.
i didn't come to earth so i can be this humming beingness of nothingness and everythingness.
i came to be a kick ass girl personality and to have fun with physical reality.
but i can't hold on to it either like it is EVERYTHING.
when you get born into earth you forget that because that is the nature of the density and "fogginess" here.
it really is like THIS is the dream. and when i die i will wake up, not the other way.
and even tho when i die i will "lose" this, i will not really lose it.
just as i have already lost my childhood and all that i was then..even that entire body i had when i was 7
is not even in existence anymore. but do i mourn it and i feel like it is lost forever?
no, i am happy i experienced it but i am happy to be where i am now.
my childhood and that body are still with me in spirit.
and that is really all i need from that.

and so, i definitely am still battling with this a bit.
battling with my attachment. but letting go of my history and my attachment to all groovy things of physical reality isn't as boring as i thought it would be. i thought i would have to get all zen and live in a white space and not care about anything and just be this blank state going "ohm" in a constant state of bliss.
and that just sounded so utterly boring to me.

but it doesn't have to be that way at all. i'm never going to be eckhart tolle talking in whispers and walking around in a robe in a garden staring at butterflies.

although, as i just wrote that, that sounds rather nice right now :)

i can still have my goals and my art and my ego and my personality and love all my things.

the KEY, for me, is to realize that all of this ISN'T going to end.
if i realize i have all the time in the universe to do my art just exactly how i want....
then i don't feel this horrible loss over time moving and not acheiving this or that by such and such a time.

this takes a HUGE MEGA load off my back.

all that is going to happen is that i will die. there isn't going to be this blank space and floating and nothingness.
i'm still going to be ME. and being me, i am still going to do the things i want to do.
so i will probably just ask for directions and then just go find a suitable place for me to do what it is i want to do and then go do it. it doesn't make a bit of sense that i should have to do things i don't want to do. like go float on a cloud.
i think i will make decisions for myself just as i do now. i am part of the universe and the universe will always do what it wants to do. i am the part of the universe that gets to do what it wants.
that is the part that i am. and i am that part BECAUSE i have decided it to be that way.

so, of course i still think
WHAT IF I AM WRONG???????

but i think i will just think this way for awhile and try it out.

i have to get ready now to go see the monday night movie with my friends now.

2:47pm

i'm trying to crochet myself silver dreads.
but they are rather stiff and take 500 years to make,so who knows when it will be done and how it will turn out.
i may just end up putting them on a hat.
i want to crochet SOME sort of dreads for me, tho.
or spin them.
i am thinking sparkly angelina fiber mixed with tencel to spin into dreads somehow.
*think think think*
i want to make myself the most ultimate wig or dread hat.

i have so much to do today but i have no idea if i will get anything done
it's just one of those days.

i feel bursting with ideas but most of them i cannot do due to $ shortages.

i want to crochet jason a blanket for xmas.
but to buy the yarn i want to make it from would cost hundreds.
i will figure something out...

my brain is full of lots of annoying little things.