November 7th, 2003
past anagrams	menu	utb

7:42pm

my mom is being really nice to me about this therapist thing.
i really hope this works out.

i joined coast to coast so i can listen anytime.
it was only 5 bucks a month so i figured i could afford that.

it's going to get down to 8 degrees tonight. i can feel the chill from my windows.
but i just ate some warm noodles so that was good.

i am in shock that my mom and i are talking through email and it is civil.
it's like a dream. i am scared. i am happy but too scared to be happy. it all feels a little surreal.

5:48pm

my mom said she will go to a counselor with me. i am in shock!
i have no idea who to pick or how i will afford it.
plus she lives about 1 1/2 hours away from me.
i really am in shock.

she said she will leave lj, too.
but is still trying to get me to say that she can stay.
but she has just used it against me too much. i don't feel safe with her on it. there are 5 billion other places she can have a journal.

although it's not a perfect analogy, i liken it to it's like my mom had an affair and tho it was fun for her and she will miss it, to continue it is abusive to me. i mean, too bad she had to ruin a thing that could have been a fine thing, but she DID ruin it and i don't think that the small happiness she gets from it is at all a good trade off for the pain it has caused me and she did agree with this. and the fact that she is still trying to woo me into her keeping it is kind of pissing me off because if she knew how much it hurt me she wouldn't keep trying to bug me to keep it. there are other places to have a journal. tons and tons of places. i gave her that lj code as a gift in good faith and she abused the hell out of it. i can't say with any honesty that i am crying any tears over having that small amount of enjoyment in that department gone from her life. that's the price you pay for completely fucking it up and it's a small price to pay to have your daughter back and to not HURT your daughter like a billion stab wounds to her soul. yes, i'm bitter and i don't think i am being unreasonable. i'm not doing this to punish her or have control over her just as a husband wouldn't say to his wife to stop an affair because he is tryiing to punish her or control her. he says to stop it because it's hurtful to him. but again, it's not a very good analogy since i creeps me out to think of myself as my mom's husband *shiver*. but the analogy is good for the emotion and hurt involved.

jason found a little calico kitten in the hallway with no collar.
i took her down to the front desk. i hope someone claims her/him.
it was so cute! how could you not notice your cat was missing?

5:03pm

a few stills from the treats movie and some misc cam pix

 

4:26pm

TREATS.MOV 11.33 MB

jason came home from work (now he has already left for school).
what he does when he comes home and comes over is give the dogs a treat.
and they know this and expect this of him and will all crowd around him and stare at him intently until he gives it to them. they know the word "treats" and so jason will tease them by prolonging that word.."tr....treeee....treeeeeeeeeeeeee...." until he finally says "TREATS!" and then they will go nuts.
whenever you say something to pooka, especially, the T word, he will turn his head to the side like he is trying so intently to understand what you are trying to say. at the end of each sentence he will turn his head in this way and his eyes will be so wide.

this is a movie of jason teasing the dogs with the T word, and then at the end when he finally says it, pooka twirls and twirls in mad circles, as he always does when he is very excited :)

 

3:51pm

 

3:14pm

 

2:56pm

 

2:28pm

i didn't mean to hurt my friend's feelings when i said i felt misunderstood and alone when she told me that she felt proud that i called my mom. i was just trying to clarify my feelings so she would understand me better and understand more clearly where i was coming from. i wasn't angry with her for saying that. not at all. and i know she meant well. i was just trying to clarify things for her and mostly also for myself. she is not the only one who has said things of that nature to me regarding my mom situation and so it was something i wanted to address in my journal to help me be more clear and to also help other people understand more clearly because she is not the only one who thinks it was a good thing that i called my mom. i have received many similiar emails throughout the months and years. and so i wanted to address that in my journal because even tho it is a well meaning statement...it is obviously not a statement based on the actual reality of my situation. because if you understood the the reality of my situation, i don't think a person would say that. so i thought, well, maybe i am just not making myself clear enough. so i tried to make things more clear. in no way do i think that that statement is at all mean. nevertheless, it DOES make me feel alone because it makes me feel misunderstood. and i think it is a GOOD thing that i tried to clarify that and put it into words...if for no other reason than for me, at least. because this whole situation and the way that many people react to it, makes me feel like i am crazy.

for instance. when i asked people about the lawyer thing....99% of all people said "well, just delete it! don't read it! block it!" . and while that may be, for the most part, a well meaning statement...i found it nonetheless insulting and exasperating because 1) it did not answer the question i was asking and 2) it insulted my intelligence because of course i would have thought of that as the 1st option to do and 3) it belittles the hugeness of the abuse by saying it can be easily and simply ignored

anyway, all i am trying to do is clarify because people are not at all understanding where i am coming from.
and while my friend pointed out to me that "i am not the only person who feels alone in the world",
it still does make me feel alone when i am not understood and just because i am not the only person who feels this way does not negate what a powerful feeling this is to me and does not make it any less important just because it is a common feeling.

am i being AT ALL clear?

i'm so exasperated from constantly feeling i need to clarify and explain all my thoughts/actions/feelings.
am i really that bad of a communicator?

1:54pm

i need to take it easy today.
i need to do comforting things while i anxiously await my mom's reply.
i have a password to coast to coast so i am going to listen to that.
and maybe the yarn will come today that i bought from my favourite yarnmaker, pluckyfluff.
it is this very deleicate multicoloured mohair.
and will go get a coke and have some noodles.
and i will smoosh with my pupsters.
it's only 23 degrees out. and sunny. you know it's winter when it can be sunny and only 23 degrees.
maybe i will clean some , too. that would make me feel really good.
it would be good to have things more clean, at least symbolically, for the harmonic concordance.
god, i'm such a hippy.

12:24pm

i'm so nervous. my entire body is buzzing.
if my mom wants to work things out i don't think i can do it without a counselor.
i cannot face that task all by myself.
she still wants me to admit to the things i have done wrong and apologize for the things that i have done to hurt her.
like somehow things have to be "even".
and i really do not feel i have done anything wrong. and i have said hurtful things to her like "fuck off" but i am not sorry for that and i don't think i should have to apologize for that. a person shouldn't have to apologize to an attacker for using kung fu. i don't see how what happened to me could possibly be my fault or that somehow i had a part in it that i should apologize for.
and then that is the part that makes me feel like i am crazy. like what did i do?
did i DO something that i am just not seeing?
if i did do something wrong then i want a counselor or doctor to tell me. because i need a neutral person to see this.
but i really do feel strongly that i really have done nothing wrong in this whole thing.

and she still doesn't see herself as an abusive mother. because, in her mind, the things she did to me...like email me over and over when i begged her to stop, are not abuse because that was not her intention.
even tho she did apologize for it last night...i still don't feel "heard".
for instance, she kept saying then that "aren't i glad tho that she emailed because i DID call her last night because of it". and now i'm just like Gah...SHE GOT SOMETHING POSITIVE OUT OF DOING SOMETHING SO NEGATIVE.. OOPS CAPS LOCK. ack.

and i'm just like, NO, i'm NOT glad she emailed me. not at all.
because she just doesn't understand or comprehend still the torture and pain and anguish she puts me through when she does that.
i am NOT glad that she kept at it and kept emailing me. i would have MUCH rather called her someday because she HADN'T emailed me and then i had time to heal and so then i called.
i'm not glad that i called her because i FLIPPED OUT.
i shouldn't be pushed to the limit of flipping out and then have to be glad for that.
a dear friend of mine said she was proud of me for calling my mom.
i don't think it is something to be proud about.
i didn't do it because i was courageous. i didn't do it out of love.
i did it because i flipped out and it was an act of utter desperation and pain.
that is nothing to feel proud about.
if anything, i feel incredibly stupid.

i really need my mom to hear me. i really need her to own what she has done.
and i need to her to see that i am not in the wrong here and i haven't done anything i should aplogize for.

i am the victim. she is the attacker.
that is the way i see it. and i do not feel i am wrong for seeing it that way.

i am just going to email her and ask her AGAIN if she will go to a counselor with me.
that is the only way this can be resolved without me going absolutely crazy.

and if she says no she won't, again. then that is that.
but i cannot face this all by myself with no mediator.

again, i don't know why anyone would be happy for me that i called my mom. no one in their right mind would ever be happy for me if i called an abuser who was a male and was hitting me.
they would think i was stupid for calling. but because it's my MOM, people are happy and proud that i did that? WHY?
can ANYONE except just me see this?
why can no one see this except for me?
i feel so alone.
the world is insane.

it's like you throw in the word and the concept of "mother" and the entire world goes blind.

+++

i just sent this email to her:

"if we are going to work on our relationship and work things out,
i need to do it with you with a counselor or a doctor.
i cannot face this with you alone and without a mediator.

i hope you will agree to do that with me so we can work things out.
i hope you will understand that *I* cannot do this all by myself and face you alone.

i need a neutral person who can see things clearly to help.
i know you have said no to this before, but i am asking you again.
please.

think about this and then get back to me."

 

3:39am

well, i don't know if i did the stupidest thing on earth or what.
but i was in so much pain about my mom.
and i just couldn't take that amount of pain anymore.
i felt like i was going to either explode or implode quite literally.
so much pain i was ready to just start dissassociating from reality or from myself ...both.
a nightmare.
and i knew that i wouldn't be able to emotionally deal with taking my mom to court because i could not bear to see her.. and if i didn't then it would never end.
and so there was no way out.
and so i became completely hysterical.

i called up my mom and woke her up and screamed at her at the top of my lungs.
just screamed and screamed and screamed.

lomg story short we ended up talking for 4 1/2 hours.
and at the end of our conversation it was "good".
good meaning i was not screaming at her.

and i don't know if i am deluding myself and allowing myself to get sucked in again. i probably am.
i don't know. i don't trust anything she says and don't believe it either.
i don't know.
there just seems to be no way out of it either way i turn.
there is just no where to go , no way to get away.
there is nothing i can do.

and the pain is so great how could it have been worse?
there is no way it could have been worse. it was the worst pain there is.

so i talked.

and i don't know if we are now going to try to keep talking or what the hell.

it seemed like things might work out.

but i am highly highly doubting it.

yet i feel i have almost no choice but to believe it can get better because i cannot deal with it being that bad.

god, i am so confused.

this is so fucked up.

i almost wish it could just be that and so it could just end a a more positive note.

i don't really want to talk further.

i'm scared to death of her.

she seemed to understand where i am coming from and at the same time she seemed to not even understand anything at all.

i could be an alien from space the way she reacts to my feelings.

i don't know what i am trying to say or what end is up.

i am really scared.

i need to go to sleep so i don't start crying again.

did i just do the stupidest thing ever?

am i an idiot?

what am i doing?

i just want the pain to end.

i just want a mom.

if i start to go over the conversation now...
which i wish i had a recording of just so i could keep it straight...
i'm not sure she understood.
she would seem to get it...then say something hours later that negated everything.

it's like she is this illogical alien blob thing that will take on a logical mom shape if you scream at it long enough...or it's like a blob that ate my mom and once in awhile the blob will take on the form of my mom...but it can only hold that shape for a fraction of a second until it inevitably takes on a formless illogical mass shape again and returns to it's sleepy hypnotized state of nonsense.

i don't know if this will ever end or i will ever be free of it.

i feel some small sense of relief and victory now.

but will i pay for it dearly later?