November 6th, 2003
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11:26pm

i'd rather throw up than cry.
but my body cries and there is nothing i can do about it.

there is nothing i can do about anything.

i'm exhausted.

11:23pm

and i can't take her to court because i can't fucking face her.
i can't deal with that trauma.
why do they make you face your harrasser in court???
how fucking ludicrious is that????

and so this is just NEVER going to end.
never.

i just want to die.

11:12pm

how can she even say she has done all she can do and that she tried her best?
how can she say she has forgiven herself?

how can she let herself off the hook like that?

how can she even think that way when she didn't do SHIT and CONTINUES to do not only nothing about it but actually goes out of her WAY to hurt me?

ALL i asked of her is for her to stop insulting me and criticizing me.
and when she refused to do that all i asked of her is to leave me alone.

that's ALL i have asked.
and she has done none of those things.
i don't even get a MONTH of rest from it.
and she has done ALL she can do?

she didn't do SHIT.
and she continues ot go OUT OF HER WAY to hurt me.

how can she let herself off the hook like that?
how can she lie to herself that deeply?

who IS this woman?

where is the mother that used to love me, i thought?

where is MY MOTHER????????????????

9:33pm

well, ok...no one is there.
"see" you later.
i'm going to go get some pizza.
i need some food really badly.
and i need some aspirin.

i shall return...

9:13pm

say something to me.
i feel too alone :(

9:05pm

the colours on this cam are pretty, tho.
i'm going to watch frontline now and smoosh with my monkeys.
jaosn will be home from school soon and then we are going to eat a frozen pizza at his house.
he had a tiring day, too. the work/school schedule is getting to be too much for him.
he graduates in may.

8:52pm

my mother and her friends are praying for me.
in fact, my mom wants a "faith box" from marshall fields.
you put your prayer in the box and turn it over to the lord.

and hey! it's ok to abuse because the lord died for our sins!
how convenient.

god, sometimes i really despise christians.

i think i'm seriously going to puke.

8:48pm

i'm sorry, i just cannot get the cam to focus :(
it focuses great really close up, tho.
maybe i will just have to live 5 inches away from the cam.
god.

life goes from happy to shit in zero seconds flat.

just kill me.

8:37pm

i don't know where the focus is on this other cam i have plugged in now.
argh. maybe it is a self focus but just does not work very well?

working on it....

this one i can actually attach to a tripod, tho.
and i will do that now...

8:13pm

and i don't know what happened to my cam. it's just all dark now.
like i need this, too. god.
so i am going to try to put a new one on. thank god i have another one.
so hold on for a sec while i try it out...

and this started out as SUCH a nice day.
it was really wonderful. i was so happy.

the nicest day i have had in awhile.

why god why.

8:07pm

and seriously, i really do think my mom is in here reading this.
and it's driving me bezerk.
how am i supposed to deal with this? HOW???
i feel so insanely violated.
i feel beyond violated.
there are no words to how violated i feel.

7:37pm

it's just that people who continually abuse others should not be allowed to get away with it.
period. and i don't think they should be allowed to even THINK they are getting away with it.
it doesn't matter who they are.
who is ANYONE to say that my emotional turmoil caused by emotional abuse is low on the totem pole?
if people who abuse are allowed to continue to abuse...then who is safe from ANYTHING?
laws need to be put into ACTION in order for them to have ANY effect.
we have laws to stop abuse, and i should be allowed to use those laws to stop abuse from happening to me.

so many people really belittle what is happening to me.
and it's a very lonely and horrible feeling to have on top of what i am already going through.
if you haven't walked a mile in my shoes YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.

i don't need to have what i am going through belittled on top of the already belittling feeling of being abused by my own mother.
what i am going through is NO SMALL THING.

my rights as a human being are being trampled on!

and it makes me a drama queen to put laws in effect that were meant to protect me?

because it's my MOTHER that somehow makes her EXEMPT from the laws of common decency?

why are people so utterly INSANE?

if i had written, "a big ugly fat man is emailing me violent things",
people would be more on my side.
but because it's a MOTHER...oh well, then...please let me lay flatter in the mud for her to trample on me further! oh holy mother! gosh, i am HONOURED that she is abusing me! wow, at last MY mom is PAYING ME SOME ATTENTION! i should be GRATEFUL!!!???

can anyone see the insanity in this????

7:19pm

god, people are so stupid..
if i get one more email saying "just block her email" or "just don't read her email"....
i'm just going to......

6:56pm

http://www.ramsey.courts.state.mn.us/ramsey_HRO.htm

unquietmind for that link for me.

here is what i wrote her in my lj:
"god, this sucks so fucking much.
and i don't want to have to see her in court.
i know i will break down and cry.

i have gone through this before with a former abusive boyfriend so i know how it goes.
thanks for finding this link for me. i was looking for this. i will call tomorrow and make an appointment.

the thing is, everyone keeps saying just to ignore this and i just cannot do that for a variety of reasons, as you know.

and i do mean business. and i don't see why i should have to take this when what she is doing is against the law.

and i just reported her to abuse at yahoo because that is what email she is using so i hope she hears from them, too. although she has several accounts with them.

it's just against the law and i should not have to "just ignore" this! y'know?

god, i just feel sickened.
it's really just beyond words."

 

5:42pm

i told me my mom that is she wrote me one more email i would take her to court for harrassment.
well, she wrote me another email.

"I have been debating for a long time whether or not to send this because I know you have clearly said not to contact you but I am taking a chance that this contact will not cause you too much turmoil. I have been doing a lot of research and soul searching regarding our relationship , narcissism and mothers, and abandonment issues ,and would really like to talk to you via email or any way you would prefer. If you don't want to engage at all again then just disregard this, but if by chance you will then please give me a sign. I am very sorry you have been through so much pain. I hope this message hasn't contributed to that. Love, Mom "

fucking bullshit. she knows how much it upsets me when she emails me. even when it is a so-called "nice" email.
you know i have told her this in no uncertain terms. now she thinks she is going to have compassion for me because she has recently studied up on NPD and she thinks *I* have it and not her. so right...i am supposed to contact her so she can tell me that *I* have NPD??? are you KIDDING ME??? and she keeps saying i have abandonment issues. GOD! will she just STOP??? who the fuck is she kidding??? she really thinks that i will want to talk to her about this??? she is sorry i am in pain?? BULLSHIT! she is NOT! if she was sorry she would NOT EMAIL ME!!!!! how can she email me????????????????? what the FUCK????
i have to get a lawyer to make her stop emailing me.
she obviously doesn't take me or my feelings at ALL seriously.
she is such a manipulative bitch.
i am going to get a lawyer and take her to court now.
i really did not want to do this but i must in order for it to STOP.

does anyone know of any good lawyers who will help me with this?
she has to be made to stop emailing me.

5:25pm

i don't know why the cam is all darkish!
argh.

5:08pm

eebomb came over with her new japanese chin named ping!
this is only the 3rd japanese chin i have ever met and so it was so bizarre for me!
ping is not a pookadog or a deiterdog, he is his own kind! :)
we finally figured out what is slightly different between my dogs and the pingdog and that is that ping's eyes are not as far apart and googly and bubbly as pooka's or deiter's. ping's face is so sweet and puppyish :)
he is a total extrovert and a real love bug! i hope he comes over for lots of visits!
all the dogs played and played on my bed and eebomb and i couldn't help but smile ear to ear at this :)

 

12:42pm

when it is sunny, i have so much more energy.
the comparison between a sunny day and a grey day and how it effects my energy level is black and white.
on a sunny day my switch is turned on. and when it's grey you may as well lock me away in a box in a closet.
today is sunny and i danced on my bed to new wave.
and i love the new hat i made! it has holes and tubes in it that i can pull my dreads through!

 

12:04pm