October 22nd, 2003
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8:46pm

well, i was able to stay awake for a tiny bit longer since going to bed at 8pm is a bit ridiculous.
but i am crawling into bed now and am going to fall asleep to a documentary about lawrence of arabia.

5:28pm

2 and 1/2 hours until i can sleep...
counting down...

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred.

 

3:27pm

for me, being extremely tired but not beng allowed to sleep (as i am not alloing myself to right now),
is one of the most intolerable pains there is. being tickled would be more painful. and being hungry would be less painful. agony to keep my eyes open. sleep wants to pull me into it's warm hole.

i have to shake my body and walk around to jarr myself awake.

i'm getting lots of laundry done today and i'm crocheting my multicoloured furry blanket of joy.

2:22pm

pizza rolls...not as good as i remember them to be...

2:11pm

waiting for pizza rolls to be done.
listening to a dreamland show about how some egyptians are still worshipping in the ancient egyptian way under the guise of islam so they don't get in trouble.

i got my S hook in the mail today. it's made of walnut.
it's the largest size crochet hook you can get but i still want BIGGER.
i need to find a woodturning person who can make me a special sized huge crochet hook.
the bigger the hook, the more net-lke and open the fabric is you make and i love that.

oo, pizza rolls are done!

1:55pm

6 hours until i can go to bed.
must...hang...on....
i'm going to make some pizza rolls. i don't think i have had any of those since i was a kid.

1:16pm

and elliott smith commnited suicide.
what a huge loss to the world.
his music was amazing.

12:41pm

if i can just stay awake...hang on until 8pm.
then go to bed at 8pm that would be great.
then i can for certain shift myself into a morning schedule.
must...hang...on....
i will crochet and listen to dreamland and drink my cherry coke.
i WILL shift myself into a morning schedule!
i have to do this...

i am wondering if the sun spot that is the size of jupiter right now is the cause of my PMS being so damn intense.
i haven't have this extreely crabby of a PMS in a long time. i'm 10 times more crabby that i usually am.
my moods are just swinging all over the place. one minute i'm happy and content and the next minute i couldn't possibly be more discontent and angry. yesterday a i had to pull this blanket out of my washer and i was kind of stuck in there because my washer is small and the blanket is big. i let out such a blood curdling scream over this.
i hate to be this way.

when i was at the concert with my dad i couldn't have been more happy.

maybe i was picking up all the positive energy in the concert hall and that helped me to life myself out of PMS.
collective happiness.

11:50am

well, i fell asleep finally at 7am and got myself up at 11am.
i am hoping 4 hours of sleep only will make me go to bed early.
tring to get on a morning schedule is hell.
i feel very nervous and overstimulated today.
stomache ache.
queasy.
all the construction out my window isn't helping matters.

 

above diamond gif created by acedia, who made the anadoll.

 

4:44pm

i feel like a blob.

4:06am

confusing.
my dad said to me today that he put my name in google.
he said, "boy, some people sure do hate you."

this is true , as you know...but i went pages and pages into google just now and didn't find anything really negative on me.
which i am surprised...or either very tired and not paying attention.

where did he see this negative thing or things?

i saw pages and pages of very POSITIVE things.

now i am really IRKED that my dad said that to me.

why did he decide to focus on whatever it was that was negative about me that was pages and pages into google (that i didn't find yet). why did he have to say THAT to me, of all things? why not say "hey, there certainly is a lot of info on you when i put your name in google!"

what the fuck?

i am feeling bad that my dad said that to me.
i think that was really unecessary of him.

and then weirdly, this very night my mom said in her journal that she put her name in google and found out all this stuff i said about her. it was stuff i DID say about her but it was NOTHING she could have EVER found on google in a million years. it was just stuff like i have told you...that she is selfish and narcissistic. i think she is just rehashing shit from months and months ago. someone DID send her something that i said about her in my private journal months and months ago. there is no way she could have ever found it. SOMEONE was a huge traitor to me and sent it to her. if i ever find out who i will rip their eyes out and feed them to dogs.
and i mean that quite literally.

but she is obviously lying about finding any of it in google.
and she is only bringing it up now , AGAIN, months later, for further pathetic ploys for sympathy.

i told my dad about her making up this entire fake life in her journal.
he seemed to think this was normal and ok.
he is obviously refusing to see the whole picture.

uh. right, dad.

i feel weirded out.

i should get to sleep before i get even more irritated.

i WAS getting in a much better mood.

i did have a REALLY wonderful evening with my dad (except for that one comment).

and itzhak perlman was deeply hilarious at the concert.
god, do i ever love the jews. :)

 

 

2:38am

instead of trying to go to bed early,
i will try setting my alarm for very early,
enduring a day of tired hell,
and THEN going to bed earlier.
i will try to get up tomorrow at 9am
then 8am the next and so on....

i will need coffee. LOTS of coffee.

i had a GREAT time with my dad at the concert!

tommorrow i hope i have the energy to tell you all about it!