September 22nd, 2003
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7:31pm

oh! and i got the new david bowie cd!
i'm going to listen to it now!

6:37pm

i had a hazy and fragmented day. sort of slept on my bathroom floor.
it was disconcerting but not as disconcerting as the jackhammers.
then jason came home and we went out to eat but we barely had time to eat because he had to get to class.
in an hour and a 1/2 i go out to see a movie at the warehouse with m friend carolyn.
i think that will be the best part of the day.

since my mom lied and told everyone she has a son who is a rich lawyer..
she has now decided , i guess, to just lie about all sorts of things.
for instance, i now have a sister! huzzah!
i can't wait to learn all about her. i'm sure she's a perfect angel :)
and now my mom knows how to play the volin (like i do)
and she collects orbs (like i do)
and now her husband is not only a professot of theology but he's ALSO a surgeon!
where does he find the time?
and my mom now speaks several languages (piglatin?)
and is the owner of a condo in the south (she wishes)
and a whole bunch of other things...

it's a funny thing watching this unfold.
it's actually making me feel a tiny bit better because i see how screwy she is ,
even when it's not me she is being screwy with.
so it's not just ME, you know?
it's not that she just lies to ME, she lies to EVERYONE.

it's funny, too, because her favourite lj friend has a lot in common with me.
and i think she really likes her because it's like her surrogate daughter.
she adds a lot of people to her friends list that have a lot on common with me.
i think it must be her way of gaining acceptance from me (in a symbolic way) by choosing people like me to be around her and be her friend. just my guess, so far.

like picking people who are lesbians. when i know she really fears gays of all types.
when i told her (years ago) that my next boyfriend could possibly be a girlfriend, she broke down and cried and told me she didn't want me to go to hell

and i think she adds these people to gain insight into me, and also i really just thinks she wishes she WAS me, to some extent. just in the fact that i know her true nature is a flirty gypsy spirit but that goes against her self imposed orthodox religious views and so she is terribly conflicted.

and is SHE has t kill her free spirit gypsy self, then , in her mind, i should, too.
because i think it's too painful for her to see a life she COULD have had (mine).
and so she wants to squash all images of it.

not saying she wanst my life literally, but i know she has that free spirit in her that wants to come out and play.
and that is all i mean by that.

so i've been watching in her lj, she lets her free spirit side come out a bit more.
she tries, at least. but because it's so squashed and twisted by her religion,
it comes out as lies ...lies about the way she wishes she was and the way she wishes life was for her.
and it's safer for her to idolize the people who are like me she chooses as her lj friends
because they AREN'T me. this way she doesn't give over any perceived power to me by acknowledging me.

and her free spirit comes out as snobbery.
like, "look at me! i'm such a free spirit! how cool am i? i am sooo cool!"

like a person who is an art snob and trying to one up the artists themselves.

it's painful to witness this.
but it helps me some , to get some insight into her.
and see the pain she is in.
hating herself so much and her life so much that she has to make up a person for herself...and a life.

but at least i know she doesn't do this to me only.
if that's any consulation.

 

1:28pm

jackhammers.

i am going to go make a nest on my bathroom floor and see if i can sleep there.

i think this construction is going to go on for a month,too.
they are ripping up the entire road!

i need to buy some earplugs online.

the gun silencer headphones help some, but earplugs on top of that would maybe do the trick.

1:07pm

stil awake. things are quieter. maybe they went to lunch.
i'm going to try to catch a few winks more of sleep.
i need 8 hours of sleep. not 6.
no wait...i hear the noise.

spent my time arguing with another jerk in my photocontest community
as all i wanted them to do was comply to a simple pixel limt rule.
but i guess that makes me a dictator now, according to them.

what IS it with today?

i think all the stupid stuff is happening now so that the rest of the day is perfectly wonderful!

and sleeping again will make this morning seem like a totally separate day!
so, if i got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, i know have another chance to start anew:)

i have another good idea for another camshow after the coconut extravaganza!

11:43am

augh! it's just as loud over there!
maybe i will try to sleep on my bathroom floor with the door closed?

10:53am

lord!
there is major construction right underneath my window. they are ripping up the road.it's intolerable.
i have my gun silencer headphones on and it's still too loud. i can feel it in my body...in my bones.
this really sucks.

i also just woke up from a terrible nightmare. this keyboardist we had in the blue up? for awhile,karla, for was just a real ass. long story. anyway, i dreamed that she was trying to get into my house and i had this cheap little lock. i was screaming at her and trying to hold the door shut and trying to figure out how to call 911 ...going through my mind...199? 499? 599? so i called 199. i was on hold forever. no one could help. but both my other bandmates, carolyn and renee, held her down as she got through the door and sebastian almost ran away but i caught him in time. god, it was so frustrating.

then i woke up to construction and this "friend" of mine trying to shame me for advertising MY site on MY mailing list. and this "friend" has never even given me a dime, never joined ana2 ever in all the 6 years i've known him and i think i even gave him free ana2 once. then he has the nerve to try to shame me saying that he hates when i ask for money (it's called advertising your business, asshole) and he doesn't want me to end up on a pier , too old to play bongos, playing for coins.

uh, ya.

first of all. too OLD to play bongos? WTF?

ya, all those old bongo players you better get inside now and stop trying to earn a living because otherwise we might have to LOOK at you! and hey, the economy is GREAT, isn't it? ya, NO one is struggling financially these days. and anyone who is must be pathetic, right?

whatever!

god. what a thing to wake up to.

and now the jackhammers are at it...

so...i'm going over to jason's now for another hour of sleep because i didn't go to sleep until 4am
and got woken up at 9:30am. i'm glad i have there to go because otherwise, i would seriously lose my mind.

 

 

1:22am

what did you eat today?
i want to know.

i ate the weirdest soup i have ever tasted.
it was something called tom khak khai or something. a thai dish. it had these weird mushrooms, coconutmilk, lots of lemongrass, i think there might have been ginger in there and it looked like onions or scallions were in it but it didn't taste like that. it was absolutely horrible to me but i couldn't stop eating it because the combinations of flavours intrigued me and confused me. it might have been the weirdest combination of flavours i have ever experienced. the sweetness of the milk with the very sourness of lemongrass...and then those weird way too chewy mushrooms.you know in star trek when the aliens order something from the simulator and the humans go...eww...what is that? i'm quite sure this soup was meant for aliens from another planet. i can't even explain it! it was like sour leaves and bark and white mushrooms and it was all just so pale.
oh ya, and it had chicken it in, too.

today jason and i went to an orchestra concert.
a mozart piano concerto that i loved.
it made me want to cry and i felt like a freak for that.

i think that music is like fractals. i see fractals when i hear it.

then was a piece by a guy i cannot remember who and jason loved that more,
but it did nothing for me because it either reminded me of an epic bible movie
or a chase scene with many rabbits.

 

it's getting cold now. really cold at night!
i thnk it got down into the 40's the other night.

tomorrow i HAVE to get to the p.o. and mail a bunch of stuff.

and then at night , carolyn and i are going to that movie thing again :)