August 29th, 2003
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2:00pm

2 hours have passed and i am still insanely nervous.
surfed the net to try to get my mind off my anxiety didn't help much.
maybe a bath will help. at least it's not super hot today so going to the fair won't be miserable temperature-wize.
i have 3 hours or less to get my act together.

12:19pm

well, she didn't delete her journal so i guess she has made her choice.

i feel like a barely slept all night. i just tossed and turned with a stomache ache and anxiety.
i can't catch my breath and i feel like the anxiety is squeezing my insides.
i wish i had a xanax or something. but i have just nothing to calm me down.

i feel nauseous and all i ate yesterday was a tiny piece of chicken and a stick of licorice.

so finally i just got up now thinking that maybe if i get up for awhile i can calm down and then i can take a nap later before i go to the fair with jason.

i feel completely overwhelmed and overstimulated and i feel really stupid about my conversation wit that guy last night as i really think i talked his poor ear off because i was so nervous and now i feel like a fool.
it's not very often i feel socially retarded like that. and maybe it's just all in my head and everything is fine. i mean, if he didn't like what i was talking about he could have left any time. i wasn't exactly holding him hostage.

and i really wish i had just told him i don't want to do the menu. but i just couldn't bring myself to do it.
maybe i will email him later and tell him i don't want to do it.
the more i draw this thing in my head, the more i am feeling my idea is just too weird for a menu.
i don't know. i'm sick of thinking about it. i just want my brain to shut off.

and my mom just wrote in her journal that an emergency had come up somewhere and so she had to leave lj for awhile.

i think this is just her backwards way of trying to get out of doing what it is she needed to do in order for us to ever have a relationship again.
i think she is manufacturing some sort of thing where because of this "emergency" she won't have to deal with the emergency of me. now she can pretend to just be "gone" and if i am mad that she didn't delete her journal, she can then just look at me as if i am being horribly mean and selfish to her because SHE had an EMERGENCY.

i am trying to find a good thought to hold on to. or a calming mantra of some kind.

i'm trying to breath when i can and say "everything is ok everything is ok"

i am so not in the mood to go to the fair and i think the smell of food would make me sick right now.

but maybe just getting out of the house and looking at stuff will do me good.
try to get my mind off things.

my whole apartment still smells like that fish i cooked days ago and it's making me ill.