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August
28th, 2003 |
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11:40pm
i calmed down, got my act together and met with the guy.
in the next week i will show him my ideas on paper and see what he thinks.
i talked his ear off about everything under the sun and now i have a headache.
it was mostly good
i am going to wind down now
fri, sat, sun i wear clothing and then all naked all week part 2 starts.
my mom has not yet contacted me...thank god. but her journal is still up.
i feel like this is the civil war.
more later...
5:20pm
i don't want to meet with this guy
in 1 1/2 hours.
i feel positively ill and shakey.
i haven't eaten yet. i can't concentrate on anything.
i don't feel confident. i can't deal with this stress.
i feel ugly. i don't know what to wear.
i'm so angry and upset.
i can't handle this.
there's more to the story that is adding to the stress but i can't talk about it.
i just want to go sit in a meadow
with a ball of string and a beer.
i want to be left alone.
4:15pm
i feel sick. i haven't eaten yet
today.
hurting shaking shaking hurting.
4:08pm
the LAST letter to my mom...as she keeps emailing me:
why this cannot work out.
1. i keep telling you to stop emailing me but you continue to do so even tho
you know it upsets me and proves to me that you don't give a crap about my
feelings or my boundries. you have zero respect for me. the fact that you
contnue to email me PROVES this without a shadow of a doubt to me. every time
you email me, even if it's a "nice" email, i hate you more because
you simply won't stop.
i don't know why you are doing this to me but it hurts me more than anything.
if you cannot even stop hurting me, why should i trust you on anything?
2. i told you that you can choose either to have a daughter or to have a livejournal.
you chose to have a livejournal. as long as you continue to have a livejournal,
i will NEVER NEVER NEVER try to work things out with you.
the fact that you chose livejournal over me is the biggest fuck you to me
you could ever have done.
i know without a shadow of a doubt that i mean zero to you. the fact that
you choose livejournal over me proves this to me.
and each day you stay on livejournal i hate you all the more because every
day you stay tells me you hate me.
3. i tell you to leave me alone but you just won't. you STALK me in my friends
journals and start going off on me on telling everyone you are my mother in
my FRIENDS journal. i don't feel safe to post anywhere now knowing that you
are following me around on the internet making friends with my enemies and
trying to humiliate me in public like that. i will NEVER forgive you for that
and i hate you for it.
you have no idea how much that hurt me and how much i cried over that. i feel
totally harrassed and stalked and i don't feel safe anywhere now.
you have completely ruined livejournal for me. and it's my JOB. it is how
i make my MONEY. screw you for that.
4. i have had to ban you from my journal, jason has had to ban you from his
journal, and now my friends are having to ban you from their journals because
you just won't stop harrassing me. how do you think this makes me feel? it
makes me feel like you hate me. well, i hate you too.
5. i don't even feel safe checking my email anymore because ther is always
email from you. every day you send me email i cry and cry and my whole day
is ruined. i HATE you for this. i don't know WHY you hate me so much that
you won't leave me alone.
6. your words mean shit to me because you simply won't leave me alone.
7. the ONLY way things could work out between us is that you leave livejournal.
and i mean don't go start another one on the side and just lie to me that
you left.
and then you would have to stop emailing me for at LEAST a year so i knew
you actually cared about my feelings.
because as long as you keep emailing me and staying on livejournal,
i will just hate you all the more as each day passes.
but i know you won't do these things for me because i don't mean enough to
you to do that.
and that is why things will never work out for us.
and that is why i want you to stop emailing me and LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
and stop stalking me on other people's journals!!!
i cried so hard i almost threw up when you did that.
i HATE YOUR GUTS FOR THAT.
and i didn't send some witch after you to put a hex on you.
you are OUT OF YOUR MIND if you think i would do something that stupid, silly,
immature, and highschool.
i don't send "henchmen" to you to harrass you.
you are PARANOID and DELUSIONAL if you think that.
that is absolutely like something out of the twilight zone to me.
NONE of my friends know your journal except jacqui now because you went into
her journal and made a totally embarassing scene.
i don't care if you didn't agree with me over my views on animal rights or
whatever.
you have no right to come in there and try to APOLOGIZE for me, announce to
everyone that you are my mother and then put the person i was arguing with
on your FRIENDS list. what kind of a mother are you?
telling everyone i treat YOU like garbage when it is exactly the opposite!
you have some nerve and i'm sorry that you are starving for such attention
that you would actually do that to me.
that was really a sick, pathetic and immature thing to do and i cannot even
believe you did that.
but i guess you are just capable of anything now.
and i know you are just going to think this email is "abuse"
well, wake up, sweetie...you emailed ME when i told you not to.
who is abusing who?
don't stay in your delusional state of mind that as long as you keep saying
nice things to me once in awhile in an email, that somehow makes up for the
crap you are doing. the actual "nice" email you send me IS abuse.
because it is an unwanted email! if you continue to do something to a person
when they tell you to stop..THAT is abuse.
everytime you email me you are abusing me because i don't WANT it. it HURTS
me.
YOU ARE ABUSIVE.
and when you write back to this email, you will be emailing me agaii...which
is abusing me further.
i don't care if YOU think that is silly. it's not up to YOU to tell me how
i SHOULD feel!!!!
EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU EMAIL ME YOU ARE ABUSING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why?
because i tell you that EVERYTIME YOU EMAIL ME IT HURTS ME BECAUSE I DO NOT
WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!!
and when you email me it tells me that YOU DO NOT CARE about how i feel AT
ALL.
you are being SELFISH by emailing me. all you care about is YOU by emailing
me.
LEAVE LIVEJOURNAL
STOP EMAILING ME
if you can do these 2 simple things then maybe i will communicate with you
again someday.
but if you can't...then FORGET IT!
then i have NO interest in ever seeing you again!
because why would i want to hang out with a person who disrespects me that
much and thinks that little about my wellbeing?
if i see that by the end of the day your livejournal is deleted
and that you do NOT email me back about this email i am sending you...
then i will know that you are at least going to try to stop hurtiing me.
but if you journal is still up by the end of this day and if you email me
back even just one small email.
you can just forget about ever having a realtionship with me again.
seriously. i am NOT kidding around AT ALL.
i will never ever ever ever speak to you again.
and this will be the last communication you ever receive from me again EVER
unless it's from my lawyer to get a restraining order on you to make you stop
emailing me. i am so dead serious.
really think long and hard on this because i am not at all joking here.
you have until midnight tonight to decide whether you want to perhaps have
a daughter again someday.
and you have only to do 2 simple things to demonstrate that you are going
to do that.
1. leave livejournal TODAY
2. do not email me.
if you decide that livejournal is more important to you, then so be it.
but that is YOUR choice. don't go crying to everyone over how unfair it is
you don't have a daughter.
it's YOUR CHOICE.
and if you email me again, prepare to hear from my lawyer because i will get
a restraining order on you to make you stop emailing me.
and then i guess you will see me again because it will be in court. and that
would be seriously sad if it has to happen that way,
but i am FULLY PREPARED to go through that to have some small semblance of
peace of mind from your abusive and harrassing emails.
abusive and harassing because they are UNWANTED.
don't push my limits on this because the time is up now. and my limit has
been pushed to the very last inch now.
i'm not going to take any more of this. not one single more drop. period.
you can take the step into a healing direction now and do what i need you
to do to help me heal and to demonstrate to me that you still care...
or you can just do what YOU think needs to be done and totally dismiss everything
i have just said. but i'm warning you that doing what YOU THINK needs to be
done and what YOU THINK SHOULD be done will just seal your fate on not having
a realtionship
2:27pm
for the new members, click on "past
anagrams" to see what i was doing yesterday and on other past days, etc.
also, take the time to explore all that ana2 has to offer! look at the tens
of thousands of photos and download my music :)
and thank you for subscribing, even
if it was for selfish perverted reasons :)
it's great! because this month i actually have enough $ to pay my rent NOW
(not 5 days late)
and even my phone bill! hurrah! thank you for supporting my project! i really
really appreciate it!
and i hope that as you peruse ana2 you will discover new things and new ways
of seeing things even tho i know, most of you, as soon as i stop being nude,
will unsubscribe. hey...i'm realistic...but a girl can dream!
today at 7pm i'm meeting with the
owner of minneapolis' kitty kat klub, one of the hippest places in the twin
cities.
he also owns the loring bar. he wants me to design a menu for him, and perhaps
some other design work.
i'm really nervous because i don't
know what this all entails and i don't know if i am up for it.
for instance, i do not know any fancy design computer programmes and layout
stuff or colour separation or all that commercial design knowhow. i am a fine
artist and that's it. so...i'll see if i can do it.
the other thing i may not be up for is that i usually detest trying to figure out someone else's vision and then try to accomplish meeting that. especially when that person doesn't even know what his vision is...and then i just have to guess. doing design work to someone else's standards is usually a huge pain in the ass and i don't know if i eally want to subject myself to it.
plus, i am just not much in a drawing/painting sort of mode and i don't know if i can force myself to be.
actually, to be perfectly honest, i already want out of this and i haven't even gotten in!
but i am going to force myself to go meet him and see what's what.
i just have a total stomache ache
about it. i HATE trying to sell myself and my ideas to people.
i already told him i could make him the yummiest and sexiest menu in the world
and now i have painted myself into that corne to live up to that. and the
thing is, i probably CAN do that but not without a lot of pain and anguish.
is it worth it?
i am not cut out to work for other people. it's already making my skin crawl.
in other news, i have lost another
pound and was at 110 this morning.
i don't know how exactly i am losing weight as i am not even trying,
but it's just the best and i'm so happy about it!
it's weird too because i thought i had actually gained weight as i am due for my period any second today and feel really puffy and bloated.
and my skin is breaking out terribly...yet another reason i do not want to meet with anyone today.
all i want to do is spin and crochet.
i have also wanted to do music again too and i need to clean my house to make
room to set up all my stuff.
i always do music backwards. for instance, i know the title of my next album and what the album cover will look like.
the next thing that happened is i
saw the video for the 1st single in my head.
then i knew what it was called.
now i just have to write the song..and i'll do the drums 1st, then bass, then other stuff and lyrics last...
god, i don't want to spend the next week making a designing a menu...
i want to spin, crochet, and make music..
oh..and dance...i want to get back into dancing.
i don't know how i lived without dancing and singing for these many years.
i used to need it like i needed air and water and sun
indeed, i have not felt like myself without it. i feel like the real me went dormant for awhile
and now it's all small, stiff, and disfigured for being in the closet for so long
i have to rehabilitate this part of me and teach it how to dance and sing again
i just have to get over the fear because i don't want these things used against me as a weapon again like the music business did to me.
also i find that when i come out of hiding and shine people are more apt to kind fo clamour around me...weird people like people in elevators who stare at me and nasty men on the street leering and hollering...
and i just don't want that to happen.
sometimes it's easier and more relaxing to just be invisible
but i have to give it a go again