August 11th, 2003
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i'm just exhausted. but i am putting myself back together again. each time i hope to recooperate faster. but it's like a nightmare.

i don't feel safe even posting in anyone else's livejournal now. my mom has made it clear she is ready to just drag every last bit of bitterness she has into anywhere she can find me.

her cruelty knows no bounds and now she is going up to assholes i am arguing with in lj and telling them she is my mother and that i am horrible to her and treat her like dirt then adding them to her friends list. this is a NIGHTMARE.

tis is exactly what i said would happen. soon she will be just talking about how i am so rotten to her in her own livejournal straight out. and everyone who i have ever had a fight with in livejournal will flock to her side and cement in her mind how evil i am and it will be lke they are having a tea party on my pain.

she can't stay silent and unknown long. she craves attention and revenge and control and will do anything to get it. if she is going to go into my friends journals stalking me and having horrible outbursts about how i am an awful person to her and letting everyone there who will pity her that she is the poor poor mother of ana voog...then so be it. what can i do to stop it? nothing.

it fucking kills me. i feel so violated. my chest is caving in.

then she has the audacity to announce that i am attacking HER. i haven't said a WORD to her. not a WORD.

i emailed my dad to call me but he didn't call. i don't think he checks his email that much.

i have to talk to him now. i just have to. i have to have him listen to me. i am in in SO MUCH PAIN.

i just want my mom to leave me alone. FUCKKKKKKKKKKkkkkkkkkk.

i bought some orange nailpolish, a coke, and a tv dinner.

but i ate a salad. i'm trying to remain positive and busy.

i'm not going to end up bitter and twisted like my mother.

she NOT going to do that to me. NO.

i watched The Hours. i think the oscar should have gone to julianna moore.
it was a very good movie.

i'm making another hat. nothing spectacular. just something to vent my nervous energy into.

i feel like it's the calm before the storm. i feel shell shocked and paranoid.

i don't know what my mom is going to try next. i try to be prepared for it. i try not to be surprised. but each time i am. it hurts so much. i hate her.

 

 

 

6:53pm

i'm just losing it. crying. tried to call my dad collect but he was not home. i so much need to talk to my dad.
i need to talk to my dad RIGHT NOW

6:35pm

my mom is now stalking me in other people's journals. i feel so violated and hunted down.

i made a marvellous yarn today.

i am going to eat something and then go for a walk with jason and i hope that will shake off this sick feeling in me.

4:19pm

went to sleep at 9am and got up at 3pm. i was still argueing with people in lj in my sleep. OY VEY!

before i got into arguments, i was spinnng some of my angora fiber which still smells a bit like the rabbit and drives my dogs crazy with sniffling and snuffling! it's sooo soft. it is a little bit har to spin because the fibers are so short. i need t play it with something to make it stonger but i haven't made up my mind what yet.

jason will be home from work any minute and we are going to go for a walk.

we went food shopping last night and i got corn on the cob, so that is what my dinner will be, YUM!

i am turning totally domestic ( except for the cleaning ). all i want to do is cook and spin.
if i had a house i would have a garden and be cooking even more.

except i will always still have my glamour side which needs to come out soon, now.

i will cook organic marvels in my rubber dress and high heels :)

8:02am

blarg

so weird. i thought i came up with the word "blarg" several years ago...maybe 1997? i'd say it then i noticed people around me laughing at that word then they said they would use it, too. and it just sort of caught on. now i see it around a lot and so i did a search on it just to see how widespread it is...but now it looks like it might have existed before i thought i made it up (in this context).

i mean, i don't know...did i make this word up? did others make it up at the same time as i did in mass synchronicity? did this word exist before i thought i made it up and i just thought i made it up because i had heard it before (which is most likely the case).

i don't know...but i swear i made that word up in the context as it is being used on that webpage. if someone can show me an example of blarg being used in that way before 1997 so i can put my mind to rest..please do!

7:38am

i am unattaching from all belief systems. even mine.

7:29am

lord. i have to just stay off lj! aaa. i mean, get off when i'm getting sucked in. how many hours of my life have i wasted arguing with assholes on lj? i should know better by now! my god! why do i do this to myself? i'll spare you the details...

but i will just say...i really believe the bible has done more harm than good in this world on all aspects of things.

from how we fuck to who we fuck...to what we eat and how we eat it.

how can so many people be so BRAINWASHED??

i mean, even my dad who is a REALLY intelligent guy!

i would find this all very hilarious and amusing if it weren't for the fact that this belief system is causing so much evil in this world.

and now *I* sound like the bible calling things evil and saying things should be stamped out.

it's maddening! it is madness. we are living in madness.

6:40am

i'm still up. i need to get out of this pissy mood i am in about the stupidity and cruelty of humanity.

i can get so damn angry about the stupidity of humanity that i just want to blow up everyone who i hate.

and that..would be an extremely stupid human thing to do.

i hate that i am what i hate.

 

here is what i could dredge up on the internet at this late and bleary hour:

http://www.derrickjensen.org/backster.html

http://www.tim.nu/swe/chap5.html

http://www.sentienttimes.com/02/june_july/GreenT.html

cleve backster has done extensive scientific experiments with plants. (for your scientific mind)

4:25am

the politics of food

how can people even think AT ALL that we are more important than animals and that we have every right to do whatever we want to to them?

how can people even think AT ALL that fish cannot feel pain?

and how can people think at all that all plant life is not just as miraculous as a cow as a human and that it, also, has just as much a will to live as every other living thing?

ALL things are equal. ALL things are equally holy and miraculous. ALL living things have a will to live and a desire not to die (except for humans that are suicidal...and even then i would argue that is just the ego that wants to die and not the soul). ALL is one.

we, with our puny minds, cannot even grasp our own brain power or even figure out how to not kill each other. what makes us think we could actually have the audacity to say that WE are the MOST important ones on this planet? and that, even further, because we think we are...we think we have the RIGHT to do whatever the fuck we want to to anything we deem lesser?

WAKE UP PEOPLE!
it's time to stop thinking like the dark ages!

things must die in order for things to live.
that is the way it is.
it's a good thing we do not empathize with everything we eat or we'd never eat.
because spinach doesn't want to be boiled any more than a rabbit wants to be a stew.
the more we don't look like our food , the more we think it can't feel or be sentient. that line of thinking is wrong.
vegetarians aren't any better than meat eaters. they still kill to eat. everything does. EVERYTHING. vegetarians are just becoming more globally conscious. universally conscious. they are waking up...

EVERYTHING is sentient.
it's a bitch we have to eat food.
but we live on in a physical world where this has to be done. it's not bad nor good. it's just like gravity or any other law of nature.
you could starve yourself but then you'd be doing harm to yourself, which is just as terrible as doing harm to any other living thing.

what to do then?

here is the way i see it.

1. do no harm. this means...don't be mean to your food.
let it live a good life and let it die a good death. honour and respect it.

2. don't waste. that doesn't mean eat everything on your plate. that means don't put so much on your plate to begin with.

3. be thankful.
it gave it's life for you. that is the greatest honour EVER.
realize this and give thanks. really. deep down do it...and mean it.