August 5th, 2003
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11:53pm

i didn't make pictures yet. i talked in lj to people about healing pain.
about the difficult and confusing path in life and steps to take to help with this.

someone wrote to someone who is my friend:

"It's very strange that you make mentions of not wanting to be alive often in your journal, but in the end you'd not do it. What makes you want to seize attention from others in this manner?"

i wrote

how is she"seizing attention from others" by writing in her own journal?
and what is she supposed to do, REALLY kill herself to prove she is REALLY in pain?

someone wrote:

Nobody wants her to kill herself to prove she's in pain. She's already made clear she's in pain, she doesn't need the embellishment of false suicidal threats.

i wrote:

and who are you to tell her what she needs or doesn't need to write in her journal?
and who are you to say that her writing about her wanting to leave the planet is "embellishment"? in my opinion, that is very insulting.and you didn't answer my 1st question. god, you are so clinical!

my friend who's journal is it wrote:

a big hug for you ana in being supportive and having compassion for my angry mood. for me talking about sucicide STOPS me from doing it. to see it for how gross it is- helps ground me in reality and to know for sure that killing my body would not solve my pain. i DO feel that my consciousness would continue and it might get worse with the karma of commiting suicide! i have a hunch i have killed myself in a past life and now here i am wanting to RUN AWAY again to escape the pain. the only way to heal is to feel the pain fully maybe and walk through the fire? what do you think? do you ever feel like leaving earth?

i wrote:

i completely understand what you are saying. and i think it's a good thing you write the things you do. it's good to get it out. it's confusing to some people that we would want to die so many times and the the next minute be happy and excited and then want to die again. it's completely real and valid each time. i'm sure there are many more people who feel this way but are just afraid to express it for fear of looking "wishy washy" or "overly melodramatic".

i do agree that killing oneself is not the right way...not that we will be punished for it. but i do believe that our higher selves wil chose to "make us" do it over. because running away isn't the answer.
i also think tho that we do not have to force ourselves to walk though fire either.
and i wish i could explain that better....but i just KNOW, in my heart of hearts...that we do not HAVE to learn through pain...although that is one way to learn.
neither is, perhaps, better than the other. meaning no way is "good" or "bad"
but i'd rather learn through joy than through sorrow.
and i think one can choose a more joyful path...i have yet to quite figure it out...but i'm doing my damndest to do so.

and yes, i feel like leaving the earth many times.
but i don't, because, like you, i don't think it would solve anything...as maddening as that is to know.
and yes, it DOES seem unfair and makes me angry.
and sometimes i just want to chuck myself off a cliff anyway :)

have you ever tried primal scream therapy?
i haven't..but it sounds like such a good thing.

i osrt of did it when i was in my band. i had some great screaming songs...nice to scream into a very large P.A. :)

if i had the money i would open a place that was soundproofed and i would make a rooms for people full of things to smash...like tvs and furniture.
and people could come and scream and smash things and cry.

i sure would love that...

someone wrote:
She can write whatever she wants in her journal, but if she knows that if she keeps her entries public and enables public comments, she'll get them. This is not the first time that good people here have gotten worried about her suicidal threats and given suggestions. It insulting for her to disgregard their genuine concern and say "Just kidding!" about suicide.

i wrote

then i would suggest that you stop reading her journal if it upsets you so.
maybe THAT is the behaviour that needs to change as you are the one who is upset with her entries and she knows that they feel good for her to make.
if you truly cared about her, i think you would let her write whatever it is she wants to write and give her that space to do it.
dont you get it?
she feels trapped and oppressed every which way she turns. this is one of the ONLY places she lets herself vent.
and you would deny her that to to make yourself feel more comfortable?

i believe that you are sincerely TRYING to care.
but i think your approach is altogether wrong. you are not looking very deep if you cannot see the sincere discomfort shannon must go through if she is saying things like "just kidding" after talking of wanting to die.
of course she isn't kidding if she talks about it that much. and if you see her show and her art and al that she says and is, you would see she isn't kiddng at all. she is just trying so hard to not upset anyone. she is walking a fine line between wanting to make everyone happy and feel happy and feeling a soul crushing rage and sorrow.

you don't think that's confusing?
of COURSE her journal entries are going to be confusing. she is going throuigh VERY confusing stuff.

this is HER SPACE to vent.
i would suggest you leave if you can't deal with the rawness of it.

because your clinical remarks do not help AT ALL..to be prefectly blunt.

my friend wrote lots...

and i wrote:

wow, it really clicked with me when you wrote that it won't solve anything by killing your body.
i have never heard it that way. it's always "killing YOURSELF" not "killing your BODY"
it really IS killing your body , isn't it? you can never kill YOU.
killing the vehicle doesn't kill YOU. you could shoot your head but you live on.
i mean, i KNEW that. but by saying "killing your body" instead us of "killing yourself"... it just became even more concrete to me...as maddening as that is.
not to then depress anyone here, but purely for the sake of argument...
CAN you ever kill youself? i mean, can you , as an entity...as unique piece of "all that is" ever decide...to "end it"?

 

 

about parents and moving past...

i wouldn't expect anything back from your parents. i think expecting something is probably endowing them with greater power than they have. i actually don't think they have it in them...for whatever reason...to even think about it like you do. if they were strong enough to thin about their choices and the effect they have on others...then you would not have been writing that letter to them. sad but probably true.
you are a much stronger person than they are.
you can actually talk about it. that is why your art is far more powerful and visionary.
they can't even comprehend what level you are at, much less converse with you about it.
you probably scare them shitless.
you are th embodiment of everything they refuse to look at. and while it's their loss mostly...one cannot pretend it's not also your loss.

but while they refuse to take action over what they even refuse to acknowledge is their loss..you CAN move on..in a sense.

you can never truly divorce yourself from the past...tori told me that...and at the time, i did not know what she meant, but now i know.
i think...and this is my new "thing"..that the only way to be free of the past is to be HERE in the NOW.
easier said than done, to be sure. monks dedicate their lives to this. but i HAVE to do it. living in the past and the future...and all the mind chatter..IS a mental illness ( like we need more mental illnesses to know about...gah.)
my mother and father and boyfriends and even tori herself..have hurt me beyond words.
but the TRUTH of the matter is that HERE and NOW... that hurt is not happening to me. right NOW i am in my room with my dogs, typing to you. i have plenty of food and room and no one is hurting me and a cool summer breeze is coming through my window.
to not be here and now isn't even logical , really. but my brain is just trained...or something to ruminate on the past and hope the future will be better. all the while the here and now which is the REAL "present" passes me by.

i'm trying to just not think anymore and stay focused on the here and now. which is...REALLY hard. and i can only do it for seconds at a time...but i think this may be the only logical way out of pain and into true BEING

i have found that when i am living in fear...which is a lot of the time...one of the best and most simple things i can do is to look around my house and just say outloud all the things i am thankful for. as trite as that sounds.

like , thank you universe for my toaster!
thank you universe for my windows!
thank you universe for my dogs!
thank you universe i have jam in my fridge!

i think the universe , weirdly, works on this thing where whatever you are thinking about gets amplified. i think it thinks that whatever it is you are thinking about you want more of. and it wants to please you...so it gives you more of whatever it is you are thinking about. it's just like that....it's a law...like gravity...neither good not bad. it just works that way.
so if you are hankful for your apartment...it wants to give you more of that. if you thank it for the essence of what you apartment gives you ( security, a roof, warmth) it will give you more of that essence.

the way to not give "bad thoughts' power, i have found...is to say before and after them..." i take this out of the law"
i know this sounds crazy...

"the law" meaning the cause and effect of putting thoughts out there and then having them come back to us in fully realized physical form.
so when i am paranoid about all my bad thoughts making my situation worse ( self fulfilling prophecy) i say " i take whatever i am about to say out of the law...it will have no effect on anything...no harm will come to anyone from anything i say, feel, think, write...for the good of all. and so it is.

i learned about that trick in a book called "positive magic" by marion weinstein. i think that is her name.

anyway..now i'm rambling...and i have completely lost track of what i was thinking as it is late...

oh...so giving thanks for things is the best way i have found to stay in there here and now and get myself out of pain as quickly as i can.
when you feel yourself sinking back into the future or the present...look around yourself and just starting thanking the universe for what you DO have. and that is the fastest way out of that negative spiral.

i know it's hard, tho, i understand.

 

and

in norules about the joy of craft:

ya, i said you should get that book "power of now" and you said you were tired of all the self help stuff and somehow in that conversation you said you were tired of learning stuff or taking classes or something...because that is all you ever do.

i haven't learned to knit yet because that is a lot more hard, it seems. more structured...more counting. but i want to learn it because i love stuff that makes me forget everything because i have to concentrate and stay focused on...hehe...the power of now.

crochet is a lot easier. and you can take it into whatever direction you want. with free form crochet you just make it up as you go along...and you can make any shape you want with it. and all you need to do that is to know one really simple stitch. i could show u in 5 minutes if u lived near me. and you see how big it is and kind try it on as you make it.

knitting, which i don't knit but i read about it...
involves a lot more math ( i've heard). and a lot more paraphenilia...things to help you count stiches and so forth. and you can't try it on as you make it. it seems you also cannot make any shape you want with knitting. it more like knitting makes a fabric...and then you sew it into the shape you want later. like you cannot knit a circle...like a doily...but you can knit a cylinder and a square.

knitting also seems to be more elastic. the knots are looser...so it makes better sweaters. but you can make nice loose sweaters in crochet by just making the "knots" bigger and looser.

people also say that knitting takes longer.
there seems to be more instant gratification with crochet. and much much less so with knitting.

but as i crochet, i fond i want to do it with thinner and thinner yarn and smaller and smaller needles ...so that i take a long time! so i may take up knitting at some point just to make myself take forever :)
but free form crochet i know will always be my biggest passion because it's a lot like doodling.
i love to make things up as i go along.

i REALLY REALLY think that knitting, crocheting, embroidery, needlepoint..quilting...is right up your alley. i'm not just saying that because i love it.

it's great because you can pay a lot of attention on it. or barely any attention you want on it.
you can pick it up when you need and leave it for long periods. it soaks up nervous energy, gives such satisfaction...makes this beautiful tangible product..it's peaceful, comforting, absorbing, rewarding. it's not mkessy like other art where you get paint on everything, etc.
it's PORTABLE s you can do it Anywhere. i LOVE that aspect of it.
it's the perfect thing to do when waiting in line, on the bid, waiting for a phone call, etc.

and weirdly, it teaches you so much and is so spiritual...and cool after effect i had not counted on.

anyway..i could go on and on..and i have :)

9:15pm

thing i wrote in someone's lj:

what songs make you cry?

patsy cline makes me cry.

the underlining wrote:
"[well, i still want to be an archeologist and
dancer and fashion designer. and rock star. can't forget rock star.]"

me too! all of those :)
so far i have been fashion designer and rock star.
i guess sripper could count as dancer (i actually DID dance...."she's a brick...house..." or ..."she's supah freaky...ya...")
if my parents had let me take dance lessons i probably would have been an avant garde dancer.
i still may do this...

archeologist. totally!
i still have a great desire to discover hidden treasures. i think this is even the crux of what i do in all things.

i used to go on archeology hunts by myself when i was really young. i'd find cow bones in the corn firlds and think i discovered dinasaur bones. i had these white pants and a sombero and a walking stick. i would actually get into bed and pretend i was alseep...then i would pretend the scientists were calling me for an emergency dig and i would TIME myself getting dressed because i was CERTAIN this would happen any minute!

i would collect rocks and fossils, which i guess makes me more of a geologist..and i could never decide if i should organize my rocks by size or colour or by type. when i was supposed to be asleep i'd get up to organize them better and my mom would yell to me "get to bed! are you organizing your rocks again?"

thank you for helping me procrastinate.
i'm SUPPOSED to be motivating myself to take some glamourous pix right now :)

 

 

 

8:02pm

i missed mailing stuff at the p.o. by one minute. grr. but i did make it to the bank.
i have blisters on the bottoms of my feet from wearing my cool boots out and walkiing very fast.
i didn't take any pix outside except one, i was rushing around so much.

i think i may make some glamourous photos tonight. i'm trying to gear myself up for it and get myself in the mood.

i miss jason and want to talk to him on the phone...but when i do it seems it almost makes me miss him even more and then i get so sad when he has to leave. my god. he's only gone a week. how ridiculous of me. i'll see him on friday. *smacks myself on the head*

my house is such a mess again. i wish i could just snap my fingers and have it all clean.

i'm scrambling to get rent together. i have to find my cheques and write my rent cheque tonight and get it down there.
i think i am going to have enough just barely. i think it will all come together last minute.

and i have to pay this big 200+ electric bill by the 11th of this month or they will shut it off. i've been falling behind on that.
i'm just waiting for these cheques to arrive from things that people bought from me. and i hope it arrives before the 11th.

and i owe 177.00 to one of my servers. i paid them 62.00 today so now i still owe them 115.
thank goodness they are patient with me.

so...just waiting for these cheques and money orders to gte here and should be ok if that comes through.

and i have 5 more balls of yarn to sell. but i am still waiting for them to dry before i can sell them.

i've sold enough hats and yarn to pay for all the that expensive wool and silk and cashmere and pearls i bought.
so that i all broke even on. ok, i actually have to sell just $50.00 more stuff to break even on that to be truly honest.

but someone might buy another hat from me tonight and so that will cover it.

i'm living on the financial edge , baby, ya! i'm wheelin and dealin.

i'm torn between spinning tonight to make more yarn to sell and taking photos.
i think i may take photos , tho...because i feel more of a need for that inside of me today.

i'm going to turn off the tv now and turn on music to help me get into a creative mood.

but 1st..i must find my cheques to pay my rent...

3:03pm

i slept at jason's because i miss him.
watched this great documentary movie called "amargosa" about this woman who lives in death valley and dances. i swear she is me!

i lost 2 or 3 pounds. i don't know how that happened! go figure!
what a great surprise to me. so today i weigh 111.6 !
i wasn't even trying!

i hope i continue to lose weight. i would love to be at 107 by the time goldfrapp comes here to play at the end of september. and hopefully, sonia can do my hair the 1st week of september so i look like a rock and roll goddess.

you know how you have certain things you just want to look smashing at? well, that is one of them.

goldfrapp is such SEXY music and allison goldfrapp is so drop dead gorgeous...i just want to fit into the sexiness of it all and have a marvelous sexy sensual night of looking fab and listening to glamourous music.

i can't wait!

i might have an all nakes all week coming up for anacam's 6th anniversary on august 22nd.
i'm not sure yet but i am leaning towards yes.

can you believe SIX YEARS???

HOW on earth have i managed to do that???

ooo, jason just called me and i got to hear his voice *sigh*
i miss him so much. i love to hear him laugh.

i have to get ready now to go to the p.o. box and hopefully also to the bank.
i hope i make it...i'm not sure if i will, i am running behind on things, as usual.

i will take more pictures and get the pictures i took yesterday up here tonight.