August 1st , 2003
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5:14pm

i can't believe it's august. time flies.

the movie, monster's ball, was VERY VERY good! but it made me have such anxiety
and i still have it. i feel this fear humming in my chest like an electric current.
the sheer exhaustion of the movie...the bad things that happened one after another...
i just know what that feels like too much...although in the movie the bad things were far more than anything i have ever had to experience. i just related to the soul ripping sadness and feeling of being out of control and the feeling that nowhere is safe and that nothing will ever be good.

but my life ISN'T like that movie. and things with me are FINE. so i need to realize that and be in the present moment here and chill out. i can tell myself that logically, but once that fear is in me as an actual physical presence, it's hard for me to disassociate myself from it and break free. at least i am conscious of the process and so i can separate myself THAT much from the experience.
and that is good.

i am also feeling anxious about jason leaving tomorrow for a week.
so many times when jason and i have been separated, bad things have happened, i won't go into the details of it.
and even tho i am positive that nothing bad is going t happen, i stilll associate the action of us being separated with anxiety.

that is probably why i am anxious. and i'm anxious ABOUT being anxious.
i'm in fear that i will be anxious for the entire week. and i can't bear that thought.

i think i'm anxious about being anxious more than i am anxious about him leaving.

oftentimes, my anxiety is anxiety about being anxious about being anxious.
it's completely ridiculous. and it's a total catch 22.

how did the term "catch 22" get started? i found out once what the history of that was...but now i have forgotten.

typing out about my anxiety helps me a little bit.

and then i'm anxious because we are going out tonight to see milo fine play and i'm anxious about being anxious there.
there's nothing worse than being anxious in a small, hot, humid, enclosed room sitting in a very uncomfortable wooden squeaky chair and listening to very dissonant free jazz.

sometimes, tho, the free jazz calms me and brings me into the now.
and i hope that will be the case this time.

but sometimes it just makes me more nervous.

if i get nervous i am just going to sit outside. i get anxious that by me sitting outside it might insult the musicians. but they are all really quirky nervous musicians, so i think they will understand.

i will bring my crocheting so i can channel my nervous energy into that.
when i can do that, it helps to calm me down and bring me more into the here and now so i can be more present for all things.

i don't have xanax anymore...so i crochet.

crocheting is surely more expensive than xanax ever was...
and just as addictive!
but at least it's not as bad for me (if xanax was bad for me...i don't know if it had any ill effects on my body..i don't feel it did),
and i can produce a tangible object that is far more rewarding.

but, ah, xanax, i miss it. and i wish i had jus a few pills a month i could take for those times where i am just miserable with anxiety.