July 27th, 2003
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7:04pm

i'm off to jason's to watch tv. but i will be back later on tonight!

2:58pm

i can't believe my mom thinks i sent a witch to her to put an evil hex on her.

am i in the twilight zone?

i mean, firstly..to do something like that would be immature beyond belief.
and secondly, if she had paid attention at ALL to what my spiritual beliefs are (which *surprise surprise* she hasn't, obviously), she would know that i am firmly against doing something as stupid as that if at LEAST for the fact that i believe everything you do comes back to you 7 fold so why would i want to do something so dumb? and thirdly, i guess that shows how strong HER christian beliefs are that she has her panties all in a wad over getting an anonymous email from some internet dumbfuck saying "i put a hex on you".
CLEARLY..i sent a witch to go put a hex on her. yes. CLEARLY.
and you know what reason she gives as to why i did this? because i don't want her lj to COMPETE with mine.
yes mom, i am COMPETIING against your lj. i am seriously threatened that you might put more people on your friends list than i have on mine.
you have what...20 friends and i have like 700 something?
wow, you're just catching up so fast! gosh, i'm SHAKING in fear <sarcasm>.
quick! it's a RACE to see how popular we can make our livejournals!
yes, THIS is what i live for... having a popularity contest on livejournal against my mother. and i'll send witches over to put hexes on you to achieve my evil scheme of total livejournal dominance! mwahahaa *evil laugh wrings hands in an evil way*

how SAD must it be to be her? to be THAT insecure and that hard up for attention that you would give up your only daughter to have some sort of delusional livejournal popularity contest against that daughter? how seriously sad and beyond pathetic is that?

i am working on feeling cold, distant, unempathetic, and disconnected from her and all her drama.
i think to do this is a wise and good thing if i want to survive this and stop crying at every thing she does.

i visualize her as so far away she is very small and faint. i can barely see or hear her.
she is fading off....her power over me is nonexistent.

it's funny, but she sees me as an vampire sucking on her neck.
this has to be the most classic case of projection ever as she is the vampire who won't leave.
it isn't me she feels who is sucking the lifeblood out of her and sending witches to her to put evil hexes on her,
but her own fear/hate/delusion who has grown to such proportions in her world as to take on it's own life as a separate entity feeding on her fear and hate. but she can't bare see that she has done this to herself, and so blames me.

i think i have even done that to myself from time to time. where the fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself and then just eats you alive. it's hard to discern when you are in so much pain as to where that pain is really coming from. and in fact, it may have started at one place but then you just kept it alive in a different form for after the fact. there are so many variations and it gets so confusing.

it's much easier to see when people are doing it to themselves than when you are doing it to yourself.
but i think that once you become aware that it can happen it is easier to discern and keep it all in check.
a LITTLE bit easier. easier said than done, to be sure.

i do feel bad for my mom, but i'm trying to keep my feeling bad for her as more like a disconnected intellectual feeling bad and not a put myself in her shoes empathetic feeling what she feels kind of feeling bad. because empathy connects us more...and i don't want any type of connection.

i read about this tactic in one of my books on how to deal with a narcissisic parent.

last night tho, i was up until 7am writing another long letter in my head to my dad explaining this thing that is happening between my mom and that was exhausting. i'm just so scared she wil turn him against me, too. sadly, i could see it happen.
so i really do think i will write my dad a letter about all of this, but it's a really tricky thing to do because he doesn't like to "get involved". but he's my DAD and the only family member i have, so i think it's reasonable of me to request of him to at least LISTEN to me. i'm not asking him to take my side, get involved, go say something to mom on my behalf ( which my mom has gotten him to do to me...which irked me to no end). i just want to let him know what is going on with me, and i would think that, as my DAD, he would want to know. i mean, he listens to people's problems for a living, why can't he listen to me?

 

 

 

2:35am

zen zen zen

rings the bell ding a ling

chant chant chant

you have no power over me

you have no control over me

your hell is not my hell

your pain is not my pain

i am as centered as a stone

your world is not my world

you are over there, far far away

and i am now/here being a good little zen buddist

i will not throw stones at you

i will not dance with you

i will not speak to you

you have no power over me

you have no control over me

i will not let you suck me into your pain

it's not mine it's not mine

here and now is pbs , pooka, and yarn

and i have a fresh cold diet cherry coke

you can never hurt me anymore.

 

 

 

1:26am

jesus christ.

so i've still been reading my mom's journal because i want to know what she's up to so i don't get an weird surprises from her anymore. even tho keep getting them. like her recently trying to get to me through jason. and i have to keep boarding up the windows and doors in my life she might get through. each time i think i've got it sealed, she finds a new crack to slip through. so i have been paranoid as all get out as to what will happen next.

i think she is going to drop some huge horrible one on me any minute now and i'm glad i can at least see it coming this time. although, i don't know if it makes me any less nervous. each time she has had a journal (she's on her 3rd one), she has closed it because assholes who hate me or hate her or hate us both have found her and been mean to her. i kept telling her this would happen and when i would beg her to leave livejournal because of that, she laughed at me and called me crazy and narcissitic. i said there are whole places on the net DEDICATED to making my life miserable. she can't seem to grasp i am a bit of a celebrity, and this happens to celebrities. heck, it happens to EVERYONE on the internet now. everyone has their own personal internet stalker. but i have a LOT of them. and a lot of the are exceptionally crazy, perverse, and twisted. and they pretty much dedicate their lives (it seems) to know every last detail about my life so much so that they will go out of their way to know every last thing i ever posted on the internet anywhere EVER. it gets rather bizarre.

so of COURSE they want to track down my mother. what worse way to get to me than through her? and then there are those who, i guess want to make her miserable to do me a favour? i have no idea what is on their twisted minds. but i told her it would happen and when it happened to her the first time, she blamed ME ( of course) for it. even tho she does the most obviouslly stupid things like rushing into my journal and declaring that she knows my mom quite well. hello? why not just stick a red flag on your journal that says "fuck with me, crazy people of the internet!" that's not all she did. but i won't go into it all. and then she goes, you must have TOLD them about my journal. uhhh..no, mom. you're just a stupid idiot and leave obvious clues.

then i saw how it could even get worse for me. i didn't foresee that she would say it was all my fault after calling me crazy to think it would happen. and when it did happen tell me it's my fault....therefore wedging an even further gap between us.

and worse yet, i knew that there were other enemies who would see to it to befriend her just to feed lies to her about how i am such a horrible person and fuck mannequins and worship the devil and leech off society and self medicate and god knows what else. and this would just feed the terrible fire in her, and again, wedge more things between us. because she believes anything people tell her and nothing i say.

ok, i did fuck the mannequins. i will admit to that. but hey...

anyway, i'm just waiting for that part to happen now. like i can see a train out of control...and i can see where it's going to hit miles before it does. i can see my enemies telling her how i'm an egotistical maniac who ban people (like them) from my journal and how all i want is a band of sycophants and blah blah blah. if you've been around here long enough, you know the drill....
this will thrill her to no end because then she can feel good and smug in her stupidness. birds of a feather flock together.
ya, *I'M evil because i ban people from my journal. it couldn't be that they are assholes and that is why they got banned.

and so i wanted her to leave livejournal. i said you pick mom...livejournal or me.

she picked livejournal.

now somebody is harrassing her again. and i don't know what they are saying to her or who these people are...but she is CONVINCED that i have sent them to try to make her leave livejournal. can you believe this?
ya, i want to make my life even MORE stupid between my mom and i by sending evil weirdos after my mother.
i mean, is this highschool or what???

so now she is saying she is going to wage an all out "war" on me.
oh..the war is just starting NOW? she thinks she has the right to wage WAR on me??

so what...what is she going to do?

i am prepared for ANYTHING this time.

yes *I* am the evil daughter. so evil because i will not take your abuse and yes, i told you to fuck off.

but seriously, if you wage war on me, and you already HAVE and pretty much dropped the H BOMB on me...
dear, you haven't seen ANYTHING yet.

i've let you badmouth me to my entire family in canada and i didn't even say a peep.
i let you badmouth me to my DAD and i'm sure you're still going at that angle..and i haven't said a peep.
i've let you try to do the jason angle...i haven't said a peep.
i'vegiven uo my family, and i've even given up my public journal because of you, which is my BUSINESS not some fucking TEA PARTY which you seem to think it is. which is even MORE insulting that you chose a tea party with 5 fucking strangers so you can exchange cookie recipes or some bullshit over ME.

yes, i DID give you a six page email full of expletives when you kept emailing me, you stupid BITCH.

but that is NOTHING...NOTHING compared to the hell that will befall you if you do ONE MORE SINGLE THING TO ME.

i am sitting here in silence and i will do NOTHING to you.
i just want you to leave me alone.

but god help you if you fuck with me anymore.

it's YOUR KARMA, mom. and man, i can see it whirling up around you to give you a good smack to your head.
but you'll probably blame that on me , too.

and if the person who is bugging my mom is reading this right now, god help you too.

because you aren't doing me a DAMN bit of good. i'm pissed at my mom, but that doesn't mean i want people harrassing her, for fuck's sake. this is between my mom and i. stay the fuck out of it!!!!!!!!!!

i don't think any of you are since i don't think people who hate me would join ana2. but i just dont put it past anyone anymore.

so, please, if it's YOU. STOP IT!